Well, it is official. I need to get serious about losing some unwanted weight. To that end, I am going to journal my journey in hopes that it will help me stay on track! I am thinking of this as so much of a diet as much as a gift to myself to get healthier. Who knows, maybe that will help me get pregnant. An article I read recently said anyone with a BMI over 25 may have trouble getting pregnant. My BMI is currently at 28.2 something so shedding a few pounds is not a bad thing.
This blog is about honesty. I have a couple of faithful readers (you know who you are....) My goal is go get down to a healthy weight of 140. This will put my weight smack dab in the middle of a healthy weight for my height. That means I have LOTS of work to do!
Here are the stats as of yesterday (the first day of this journey)
Weight: 185
BMI: 28.2
Chest: 43"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 43"
Thigh: 24"
Every week I will post my results (every Wednesday). I am going to use the First Place tools to get this silly weight off. However, every day will be a day of success, even if I fail miserably in the food area because I am taking steps to be healthier. Failure tends to produce more failure in me (well, my mind anyway). With a new year, a new decade comes a new attempt at success.
Ready, set .....GO!
So, for today, I had a love Starbucks Eggnog Frappaccino (the last of the season) and so far a banana. I am a little tired and looking forward to some lunch! Left over chicken noodle soup (creamy and wonderful) over spanich salad. Then, dinner will be fruit and veggies at a New Year's Eve Party. I will post results of the evening tomorrow.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Word of the Week - Thankful
This was an interesting week. Nothing in particular happened. It was just a good week. Thank you, Jesus!
In church last Sunday the message was about muscial worship. The speaker did a wonderful job of reminding us that when we come to church to worship it is about giving back to God. It is about praising him for who he is. It is about worshiping the King that is on the throne. It was very powerful to me and I left very thankful.
That idea has been running through my mind this past week. Each day has brought a little something to be thankful for. Monday, was an eye opener day. I have started playing this computer game with my husband called Farmtown. It is fun but my already tight schedule does not allow for useless leisure activities. However, I was drawn to the game. It is a game about completion. It is a game about growing crops and harvesting them. There are tasks that need to be accomplished which bring a reward, more coins so you can buy more things to create this farm. It is a nice, family game. No blood or guts (which I like) and it is something Dave and I can do together. The problem, I spent a little too much time on the game Monday. Yes, I went for my walk with Will and the dogs but as soon as I was back I sat down with my laptop and the planting, harvest, visiting, neigbors, ect, began. I was sitting outside while Will was playing and I justified it. He needs play time along, right? Well, then the neighbor kids came over. I was so into my game that I kind of missed out on talking with them. They are kids that are in my life for a reason. I missed out on the chance to build a relationship with them. So where does the thankful part come in? I am so thankful that God gently pointed that out to me. There was a little nagging voice that said, don't miss the relational opportunities. Those are more important. So, the rest of the week, the game waited until Will went to bed. As a result, I had more play time with him and we did play - a lot. I am not sure that I would have paid as much attention to just playing if not for that Monday experience.
Tuesday, I was thankful for my husband. We had a little run in, nothing big, just small but slightly challening nonetheless. Again, I was thankful. I am thankful for a husband that shares his feelings with me, even when I don't want to hear them. I was thankful that he went and played disc golf with some buddies. I was thankful that he has an outlet.
Wednesday was play day. Actually, first it was grocery shopping and then playing. Will and I went grocery shopping which is always a fun experience. Everything is a learning opportunity for that little guy and for me. I love looking for ways to teach him. He is like a little sponge and he loves to learn from me. I embraced that opportunity. After shopping we went to the farmer's market in Downs. We bought some potatoes and I let him carry the bag. He was so proud of himself. It was so cute! I also realized it was time to teach him about being respectful to adults. One way to do that is to acknowledge them when they speak to him. Sometimes he will bashfully shy away. I decided that action could do more harm than good so no more excuses. When someone greets Will he greets them back. I feel like that was a little nudge from God for me to impress upon Will. Respect is one of those attributes Dave and I feel very strongly about imparting to our kids. Twenty-two months is not too early to begin the lessons. And, he was receptive. After the market we played outside for over an hour. I was pulling weeds and he was exploring. Every once in awhile I would look over at him and he would be playing in some water or exploring a patch of rocks. I found him in the wood chips pile at one point. I thought about the fact that maybe some of the things he was doing might be dangerous but I assessed the risk. I did not feel anything was too much of a risk so I let him explore. He was one filthy boy when we went inside but we both felt a sense of accomplishment. Again, thank you.
Thursday was a busy afternoon. I had to take Maddy and Tucker to the vet and then it was Bunco night. While I was at bunco a lady that typically is a little loud and I struck up a conversation. It was incredibly encouraging and just want I think both of us needed. I felt like I had been at Bunco for a very specific purpose and it wasn't to play bunco!
Today, is Friday. I am thankful for Fridays. It is almost like crossing the finishing line for the week. After finishing a race the reward is a nice, refreshing shower and a long nap. I am looking forward to both of those this weekend. Thank you, Lord, for Fridays.
In church last Sunday the message was about muscial worship. The speaker did a wonderful job of reminding us that when we come to church to worship it is about giving back to God. It is about praising him for who he is. It is about worshiping the King that is on the throne. It was very powerful to me and I left very thankful.
That idea has been running through my mind this past week. Each day has brought a little something to be thankful for. Monday, was an eye opener day. I have started playing this computer game with my husband called Farmtown. It is fun but my already tight schedule does not allow for useless leisure activities. However, I was drawn to the game. It is a game about completion. It is a game about growing crops and harvesting them. There are tasks that need to be accomplished which bring a reward, more coins so you can buy more things to create this farm. It is a nice, family game. No blood or guts (which I like) and it is something Dave and I can do together. The problem, I spent a little too much time on the game Monday. Yes, I went for my walk with Will and the dogs but as soon as I was back I sat down with my laptop and the planting, harvest, visiting, neigbors, ect, began. I was sitting outside while Will was playing and I justified it. He needs play time along, right? Well, then the neighbor kids came over. I was so into my game that I kind of missed out on talking with them. They are kids that are in my life for a reason. I missed out on the chance to build a relationship with them. So where does the thankful part come in? I am so thankful that God gently pointed that out to me. There was a little nagging voice that said, don't miss the relational opportunities. Those are more important. So, the rest of the week, the game waited until Will went to bed. As a result, I had more play time with him and we did play - a lot. I am not sure that I would have paid as much attention to just playing if not for that Monday experience.
Tuesday, I was thankful for my husband. We had a little run in, nothing big, just small but slightly challening nonetheless. Again, I was thankful. I am thankful for a husband that shares his feelings with me, even when I don't want to hear them. I was thankful that he went and played disc golf with some buddies. I was thankful that he has an outlet.
Wednesday was play day. Actually, first it was grocery shopping and then playing. Will and I went grocery shopping which is always a fun experience. Everything is a learning opportunity for that little guy and for me. I love looking for ways to teach him. He is like a little sponge and he loves to learn from me. I embraced that opportunity. After shopping we went to the farmer's market in Downs. We bought some potatoes and I let him carry the bag. He was so proud of himself. It was so cute! I also realized it was time to teach him about being respectful to adults. One way to do that is to acknowledge them when they speak to him. Sometimes he will bashfully shy away. I decided that action could do more harm than good so no more excuses. When someone greets Will he greets them back. I feel like that was a little nudge from God for me to impress upon Will. Respect is one of those attributes Dave and I feel very strongly about imparting to our kids. Twenty-two months is not too early to begin the lessons. And, he was receptive. After the market we played outside for over an hour. I was pulling weeds and he was exploring. Every once in awhile I would look over at him and he would be playing in some water or exploring a patch of rocks. I found him in the wood chips pile at one point. I thought about the fact that maybe some of the things he was doing might be dangerous but I assessed the risk. I did not feel anything was too much of a risk so I let him explore. He was one filthy boy when we went inside but we both felt a sense of accomplishment. Again, thank you.
Thursday was a busy afternoon. I had to take Maddy and Tucker to the vet and then it was Bunco night. While I was at bunco a lady that typically is a little loud and I struck up a conversation. It was incredibly encouraging and just want I think both of us needed. I felt like I had been at Bunco for a very specific purpose and it wasn't to play bunco!
Today, is Friday. I am thankful for Fridays. It is almost like crossing the finishing line for the week. After finishing a race the reward is a nice, refreshing shower and a long nap. I am looking forward to both of those this weekend. Thank you, Lord, for Fridays.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Word of the Week - Worry
What an interesting little five letter word, worry. It is a little word that describes one of my most fallible areas. The more I learn about myself the more I learn that I have a little problem with this sin. That is what it is. I would love to call it something else but the truth is that is what it is.
This morning I found myself in an interesting place. I found myself worried about my husband. He did not sleep well last night, actually did not sleep at all. I was worred that his attitude would be very poor which would cause me grief. Instantly a wall went up. It was a wall of fear. The wall has a facade that is called worry. When I looked at the worry in my life this morning I saw it for what it really was.
The worry was selfish on my part. You see, when Dave is out of sync, he, like anyone truthfully, gets moody. I feel like I need to fix his moodiness. I tend to walk on egg shells until he is back to "normal." The problem is I don't know what normal is. There is no normal because we are always in a state of growing and changing. If we were always constant we would never grow.
So I started thinking about this a little deeper. I took a very specific event, one night of insomnia, and thought about what happens when I don't sleep. I am tired the next day but I still get through it. I function. I lay down and rest when I can. I seek Christ for my strength. This is what I do now but not what I have always done. In the past I worried, incredibly. I had this little demon on my shoulder that equated not sleeping with depression or anxiety. While depression and/or anxiety usually does follow from several nights of not sleeping well that is no longer my focus. My focus is what is God doing? You see it is in the valleys that I grow.
Thankfully we don't have to stay in the valley forever. In the book, Breaking Free, one of the characteristics of a rebellious child of God that I identified with tremendously was that sometimes I rely on oppression. As I look back at my life it was filled with oppression. I was never certain of what lay at the next corner. Would mom be drunk? Would she be alive? Would she be honest? Would I meet Dad's expectations? Now, I am married. I have moved away from my childhood family but those qualities still haunt me, only now through my husband and little boy. Thoughts such as will Dave be depressed, will he be detached, will he be angry lurk in my mind. That oppression of worry, of not knowing what is around the corner - that keeps me in bondage.
Wow. Another layer of the onion. Every time God reveals a piece of the onion I think that revelation is the most amazing revelation and how can the next be even better. The truth, the next is always life changing. You see, this is an area of my life that has to do with my personality. It has to do with the way I was raised. It is ingrained in me. For a long time that was acceptable. Through this book, through prayer and through reading the Bible I know bondage of any kind is unacceptable in God's eyes. No bondage is good bondage. Isaiah 61:1-4 says "he (Christ) has come to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and the garment of praise instead of dispair." But, it doesn't stop there, he goes on to say that, "he will restore the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated. He will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations." The first part is all about me. He will restore me. He will bind up my hurts from the past. He will comfort me. Not only will he but he does. He is so gentle and patient as he moves me through each day. He shows me new gifts and new ways to love him by loving others. He is turning my mourning into beauty and my tears into dancing. He is freeing me, one day at a time.
The second part is all about the restoring process. As we allow him to comfort us, free us, bind up our broken hearts and allow Him to bless us we change. We become more like him. He rebuilds us but the wall has to come down first. I can't be changed unless I am willing to do my fair share of the hard work.
Beth Moore also commented that, "we want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us." She goes on to say, "God desires to change us from the inside out - renewing our minds, starving our self destructive tendencies and teaching us to form new habits." This takes time. Lots and lots of time and an incredible amount of willingness. It is a very, very, very hard task to change because we want things now! Think about it, the best things in life take time. A cake, takes time to bake. Lasagna, takes time (and crockpot lasagna, my favorite takes a really long time!). Friendship bread takes several days to make but it is so good in the end. Things that are worth waiting for are always the sweetest blessings. Something good to remember.
So back to my worry statement that I started out with. I can beat myself up with the best of them for worrying but I think that defeats the lesson God is teaching me. Instead, I am going to surrender to him today by nailing my worries to the cross. When something pops into my head that would lead to worry it goes on the cross. We will see how it works! I have a feeling it will work well.
This morning I found myself in an interesting place. I found myself worried about my husband. He did not sleep well last night, actually did not sleep at all. I was worred that his attitude would be very poor which would cause me grief. Instantly a wall went up. It was a wall of fear. The wall has a facade that is called worry. When I looked at the worry in my life this morning I saw it for what it really was.
The worry was selfish on my part. You see, when Dave is out of sync, he, like anyone truthfully, gets moody. I feel like I need to fix his moodiness. I tend to walk on egg shells until he is back to "normal." The problem is I don't know what normal is. There is no normal because we are always in a state of growing and changing. If we were always constant we would never grow.
So I started thinking about this a little deeper. I took a very specific event, one night of insomnia, and thought about what happens when I don't sleep. I am tired the next day but I still get through it. I function. I lay down and rest when I can. I seek Christ for my strength. This is what I do now but not what I have always done. In the past I worried, incredibly. I had this little demon on my shoulder that equated not sleeping with depression or anxiety. While depression and/or anxiety usually does follow from several nights of not sleeping well that is no longer my focus. My focus is what is God doing? You see it is in the valleys that I grow.
Thankfully we don't have to stay in the valley forever. In the book, Breaking Free, one of the characteristics of a rebellious child of God that I identified with tremendously was that sometimes I rely on oppression. As I look back at my life it was filled with oppression. I was never certain of what lay at the next corner. Would mom be drunk? Would she be alive? Would she be honest? Would I meet Dad's expectations? Now, I am married. I have moved away from my childhood family but those qualities still haunt me, only now through my husband and little boy. Thoughts such as will Dave be depressed, will he be detached, will he be angry lurk in my mind. That oppression of worry, of not knowing what is around the corner - that keeps me in bondage.
Wow. Another layer of the onion. Every time God reveals a piece of the onion I think that revelation is the most amazing revelation and how can the next be even better. The truth, the next is always life changing. You see, this is an area of my life that has to do with my personality. It has to do with the way I was raised. It is ingrained in me. For a long time that was acceptable. Through this book, through prayer and through reading the Bible I know bondage of any kind is unacceptable in God's eyes. No bondage is good bondage. Isaiah 61:1-4 says "he (Christ) has come to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and the garment of praise instead of dispair." But, it doesn't stop there, he goes on to say that, "he will restore the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated. He will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations." The first part is all about me. He will restore me. He will bind up my hurts from the past. He will comfort me. Not only will he but he does. He is so gentle and patient as he moves me through each day. He shows me new gifts and new ways to love him by loving others. He is turning my mourning into beauty and my tears into dancing. He is freeing me, one day at a time.
The second part is all about the restoring process. As we allow him to comfort us, free us, bind up our broken hearts and allow Him to bless us we change. We become more like him. He rebuilds us but the wall has to come down first. I can't be changed unless I am willing to do my fair share of the hard work.
Beth Moore also commented that, "we want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us." She goes on to say, "God desires to change us from the inside out - renewing our minds, starving our self destructive tendencies and teaching us to form new habits." This takes time. Lots and lots of time and an incredible amount of willingness. It is a very, very, very hard task to change because we want things now! Think about it, the best things in life take time. A cake, takes time to bake. Lasagna, takes time (and crockpot lasagna, my favorite takes a really long time!). Friendship bread takes several days to make but it is so good in the end. Things that are worth waiting for are always the sweetest blessings. Something good to remember.
So back to my worry statement that I started out with. I can beat myself up with the best of them for worrying but I think that defeats the lesson God is teaching me. Instead, I am going to surrender to him today by nailing my worries to the cross. When something pops into my head that would lead to worry it goes on the cross. We will see how it works! I have a feeling it will work well.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Word of the Week - Respect
I have been pondering this word for awhile. Not sure why I have to think about it at 2:00 am but that was what was on my mind this morning.
I looked it up in the dictionary and to respect someone means "to hold in esteem or honor" or "to show regard or consideration for." As a noun it means "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability."
Dave told me the other day that he felt like deep inside, I did not respect him. I, of course, being the "perfect" little lady, was hurt that my husband felt this way. Instantly I wanted to throw into his face all the times and ways I have showed him respect. Thankfully, God stepped in an silenced my mouth. I said nothing.
The truth, as I looked deep inside my walled up self, I acknowledged that in some ways I do not respect him. As I prayed about this today, looking back, the way people gained respect was through their job. My dad taught me that. While I have always tried to detour from that idea, I think in the back of my mind it is there. Dave stays at home with Will and while that is an incredibly important job, society doesn't look at that very favorably.
God showed me an area of my life where I needed to ask forgiveness. I was judging my husband and setting expectations in my mind of who he needed to be for me. Pride was once again rearing its ugly head. Thankfully, God showed this to me very gently and affirmatively. He said, "my dear sweet little lady. You have been praying for wisdom, particularly in your marriage. Here is a little hint. Respect your husband for the man I have created him to be. Respect him for the challenges he is working through. Respect him because I respect him. I love that man so much. He is my son. Share in loving him with me."
You see, Dave is God's son before he is my husband. When we married he did not become my project. I was not his savior although I must admit, I think I married partly because I felt like he needed me. Again, pride rearing its ugly head in my life.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are revealing these little tidbits to me. Thank you for saving my marriage by showing me the lies I have believed for so long. My prayer is that my love for my husband will be authentic and sweet. I want to love Dave more now than I ever have before. I want to love him with Christ's love because Dave deserves that. Does he have his issues? Don't we all?
So, I step forward today.
I looked it up in the dictionary and to respect someone means "to hold in esteem or honor" or "to show regard or consideration for." As a noun it means "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability."
Dave told me the other day that he felt like deep inside, I did not respect him. I, of course, being the "perfect" little lady, was hurt that my husband felt this way. Instantly I wanted to throw into his face all the times and ways I have showed him respect. Thankfully, God stepped in an silenced my mouth. I said nothing.
The truth, as I looked deep inside my walled up self, I acknowledged that in some ways I do not respect him. As I prayed about this today, looking back, the way people gained respect was through their job. My dad taught me that. While I have always tried to detour from that idea, I think in the back of my mind it is there. Dave stays at home with Will and while that is an incredibly important job, society doesn't look at that very favorably.
God showed me an area of my life where I needed to ask forgiveness. I was judging my husband and setting expectations in my mind of who he needed to be for me. Pride was once again rearing its ugly head. Thankfully, God showed this to me very gently and affirmatively. He said, "my dear sweet little lady. You have been praying for wisdom, particularly in your marriage. Here is a little hint. Respect your husband for the man I have created him to be. Respect him for the challenges he is working through. Respect him because I respect him. I love that man so much. He is my son. Share in loving him with me."
You see, Dave is God's son before he is my husband. When we married he did not become my project. I was not his savior although I must admit, I think I married partly because I felt like he needed me. Again, pride rearing its ugly head in my life.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are revealing these little tidbits to me. Thank you for saving my marriage by showing me the lies I have believed for so long. My prayer is that my love for my husband will be authentic and sweet. I want to love Dave more now than I ever have before. I want to love him with Christ's love because Dave deserves that. Does he have his issues? Don't we all?
So, I step forward today.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Word of the Week - Insecurity
So, I am reading this book right now called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I feel like I get a counseling session every time I sit down to read it. This week we looked back at generational sin that is handed down from one generation to another. We had to do some work to identify some of those areas. I discovered several things.
First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.
Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.
So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.
So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.
So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.
First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.
Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.
So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.
So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.
So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Word of the Week - Clarity
Interesting how God works. For some time now I have been struggling. It has been a learning struggle. It has been a struggle where I have learned about dependence on God. It has been a time of growing a relationship. It has been a season of dying to myself and allowing my heart to be open to what God has to say. Very slowly and gently he has shown me areas of sin in my life. Very slowly and gently he has asked me to give up some of the old lies I held on to so tightly.
He has opened my eyes to perfection. The first step was acknowledging that sometimes I did not start things, often times I did not, because I could not do them exactly the way I wanted them done, what I deemed perfect. Through a book called "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman I learned perfection keeps us in a place of discouragement. We don't start things because we won't finish them the way we think we should. Instead, we need to strive for excellence. This is a place where we extend grace to ourself.
Enter a lesson about Grace. Grace is something I don't give myself very often. I hold myself to very high expectations. When I don't meet those expectations I feel like I have failed. There in lies the lie. When I don't reach the desirable end result that is okay. Wow. That does not mean I don't give it my best shot. It just means I give myself a little grace. I am not a perfect woman. In fact, I am a broken woman. I have lots of holes. I don't have it all together but I am learning.
Next lesson is about acceptance. Finally, I am accepting myself and my imperfections. I am starting to accept the fact that I have issues with my brain chemicals. I need meds to function fully. I can get by without them but I don't get to enjoy the gifts that God has given me as much because it takes so much energy to overcome the side effects of low seratonin levels. The good news. I can do it. Even better news, I can do it with meds. I have to smile as I say that because it sounds funny. It is funny. It is funny that I have been so obstinent not to take the meds that would help me. It hit me this morning what the problem was, pride.
Possibly the biggest area of growth in me has taken place as God has opened my eyes to the pride in my life. I had a lot. When you are trying to be perfect you are trying so that you can receive the glory for being a good person. You do things at work to receive praise. You do things at home to receive praise. You do things for God so you can get the glory. YIKES! I have heard the cliche for a long time that you should do all things to bring glory to God. however, when I stopped and really looked at my life I realized I was doing exactly the opposite. Everything I was doing was to bring glory to me. I was living off of the alcolades of others. As a result of being off my meds for almost 2 months I have a new dependence on God. It is a true dependence. I have cried more. I have prayed more. I have read more. I have longed to know the truth more and more. I have also learned to listen more. God has so much to say and it is so quietly. Never does he speak harshly to me. HE knows I need a gentle answer and so that is what he gives me. He encourages me whenever no one else is around. He shows me where to find answers to my tough questions. All that he asks is that I listen and follow through. That is easy when you have the Savior of the world as your best friend. Life is bearable. Shoot, sometimes it is every pretty.
So, the latest area in my life where God has revealed my prideful spirit is in the area of my meds and anxiety/depression. I was not taking meds because I wanted to overcome this problem. I was doing it at the expense of my family. God has given me the responsibility to be a wife and a mom. When you are ultra sensitive it is hard to be a wife. When you are weepy it is hard to be a mom. It is also hard to move on in life when you are so exhausted from fighting negative thoughts. For a very long time I have seen meds as a crutch. If my faith was greater I would not need meds. If I exercised more I would not need meds. If I ate better foods I would not need meds. While these things all help the truth is I do need meds. God has so much planned for my life. I don't need to be stuck when I know what will help. It is like withholding chemo from a patient with cancer waiting for God to heal them. Yes, it is very possibly that God would miraculously heal them but honestly, if the meds work it is a miracle too. We sometimes only think of God as a God that rescues us without any intervention. That would be a true miracle we might think. If that isn't putting God in a little box I am not sure what is! God is in control of ALL things. That means he is in charge of meds even coming on the market to bring relief to people. I truly believe God does not want us to suffer. However, because sin entered into the world there will be seasons of suffering. It is up to us what we do with that suffering. Do we continue to depend on Christ and his promise that he loves us and will walk with us through every endeavor or do we try and do it ourself? I have tried both. I really like walking with God.
So, today I feel like I am experiencing clarity. It is a freedom. It is hard to explain but the lie that I can't have a close relationship with God and feel good has been exposed. I can have both and it is only because God is showing me what freedom looks like. Pride. For me, that is where Satan attacks me most. I never would have known if God had not walked me through this season and if I hadn't taken the time for learning. That is not pride but truth.
He has opened my eyes to perfection. The first step was acknowledging that sometimes I did not start things, often times I did not, because I could not do them exactly the way I wanted them done, what I deemed perfect. Through a book called "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman I learned perfection keeps us in a place of discouragement. We don't start things because we won't finish them the way we think we should. Instead, we need to strive for excellence. This is a place where we extend grace to ourself.
Enter a lesson about Grace. Grace is something I don't give myself very often. I hold myself to very high expectations. When I don't meet those expectations I feel like I have failed. There in lies the lie. When I don't reach the desirable end result that is okay. Wow. That does not mean I don't give it my best shot. It just means I give myself a little grace. I am not a perfect woman. In fact, I am a broken woman. I have lots of holes. I don't have it all together but I am learning.
Next lesson is about acceptance. Finally, I am accepting myself and my imperfections. I am starting to accept the fact that I have issues with my brain chemicals. I need meds to function fully. I can get by without them but I don't get to enjoy the gifts that God has given me as much because it takes so much energy to overcome the side effects of low seratonin levels. The good news. I can do it. Even better news, I can do it with meds. I have to smile as I say that because it sounds funny. It is funny. It is funny that I have been so obstinent not to take the meds that would help me. It hit me this morning what the problem was, pride.
Possibly the biggest area of growth in me has taken place as God has opened my eyes to the pride in my life. I had a lot. When you are trying to be perfect you are trying so that you can receive the glory for being a good person. You do things at work to receive praise. You do things at home to receive praise. You do things for God so you can get the glory. YIKES! I have heard the cliche for a long time that you should do all things to bring glory to God. however, when I stopped and really looked at my life I realized I was doing exactly the opposite. Everything I was doing was to bring glory to me. I was living off of the alcolades of others. As a result of being off my meds for almost 2 months I have a new dependence on God. It is a true dependence. I have cried more. I have prayed more. I have read more. I have longed to know the truth more and more. I have also learned to listen more. God has so much to say and it is so quietly. Never does he speak harshly to me. HE knows I need a gentle answer and so that is what he gives me. He encourages me whenever no one else is around. He shows me where to find answers to my tough questions. All that he asks is that I listen and follow through. That is easy when you have the Savior of the world as your best friend. Life is bearable. Shoot, sometimes it is every pretty.
So, the latest area in my life where God has revealed my prideful spirit is in the area of my meds and anxiety/depression. I was not taking meds because I wanted to overcome this problem. I was doing it at the expense of my family. God has given me the responsibility to be a wife and a mom. When you are ultra sensitive it is hard to be a wife. When you are weepy it is hard to be a mom. It is also hard to move on in life when you are so exhausted from fighting negative thoughts. For a very long time I have seen meds as a crutch. If my faith was greater I would not need meds. If I exercised more I would not need meds. If I ate better foods I would not need meds. While these things all help the truth is I do need meds. God has so much planned for my life. I don't need to be stuck when I know what will help. It is like withholding chemo from a patient with cancer waiting for God to heal them. Yes, it is very possibly that God would miraculously heal them but honestly, if the meds work it is a miracle too. We sometimes only think of God as a God that rescues us without any intervention. That would be a true miracle we might think. If that isn't putting God in a little box I am not sure what is! God is in control of ALL things. That means he is in charge of meds even coming on the market to bring relief to people. I truly believe God does not want us to suffer. However, because sin entered into the world there will be seasons of suffering. It is up to us what we do with that suffering. Do we continue to depend on Christ and his promise that he loves us and will walk with us through every endeavor or do we try and do it ourself? I have tried both. I really like walking with God.
So, today I feel like I am experiencing clarity. It is a freedom. It is hard to explain but the lie that I can't have a close relationship with God and feel good has been exposed. I can have both and it is only because God is showing me what freedom looks like. Pride. For me, that is where Satan attacks me most. I never would have known if God had not walked me through this season and if I hadn't taken the time for learning. That is not pride but truth.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Word of the Week - Humility
This week, the word that has been at the forefront of my mind has been humility. I am reading through a book called Breaking Free with two good friends. This book is all about looking at areas in your life that are in bondage. First of all, I must admit I did not realize I had so many areas of my life that were in bondage. The root of this bondage is tied up in pride. Let me explain.
There are some ideas I have had in life about myself that are now being challenged. I have always though I need to perform well so my self esteem would be increased. WRONG. There is only one reason to do anything and that is to do everything to bring glory to God. So what does that mean? when I think about how i want my house to look or think about how sad it is that I don't have a larger home where I can entertain that is pride. When I think about wanting to stay home and when I really examine why I want to stay home, there is some pride in that mix. I think I could do a better job of keeping up the home and organizing events. While some of that is true, that is not where God has called me for right now. My question needs to be more of how can I bring glory to God in my current situation instead of having a pity party. When my husband gets upset about something that I think is trivial, do I condemn him or listen? If I condemn, that is pride. That says you are silly for feeling the way you do and if you would just listen to me our problems would be solved. Enter false hoods.
You see, many areas of my life are coated with lies. Either these are lies that I have believed from childhood or lies that have recently crept into my life. The truth, the lies keep me in bondage. It is only by the Grace of God, literally, that I am even here. That is where my focus has to be. Otherwise I take undo liberties in promoting myself. Not cool.
There are also areas in my life that I am looking at for the first time. Areas that I dared not look at before because I did not want to look at the problem or the solution. Denial can be a good place to be sometimes. However, denial built on more denial leads to bondage and deception. Beth Moore says in her book that "the worst kind of captive: a prisoner unaware." That was me! Even now, as I look at events in my life I am pained. It is hard to look back and think about why you really love someone or where the lie began. Then, the next step is to do something with that lie. Once it is discovered it has to be dealt with. Otherwise, it festers and depression sinks in. For me, that means taking my concerns and worries to the cross, literally. In my mind I picture the cross and when a worry pops in that is out of my control I nail it to that cross. If the worry is about my husband, I nail it to the cross. If the worry is about relationships that are struggling I nail it to the cross. It might sound like I am not dealing with those issues and you would be right. I am letting God deal with those issues. I have tried to deal with them for a long time and I end up hidding the issues further and further within my heart. When I pass them along to God, they are no longer my issues. Sounds simple. It honestly gets easier. As I recognize that something is a worry I am able to pass it along to Christ a little faster. This keeps the garbage out and the truth in.
I read an intro to a funny book (don't remember the name right now) but it was by Marilyn Myberg. She said she thinks of the heart as a compartment with a zipper. On the left side of the zipper is the bad stuff in our lives (thoughts, words, addictions, ect). On the right side of the zipper is the fruits of the Holy Spirit and the attibutes of Christ. In the middle is Christ. As I get to know him more and trust him more the items on the left side move over to the right side. Interesting. Bringing this full circle, I can't trust God if I am hanging on to pride. Pride prevents that free flowing relationship because pride says I can do it myself. I am here to say I can't do it myself. I need Jesus to be as close as a call away.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Word of the Week - Grace
I struggled this week to find the right word to describe it. Thanksgiving ran through my mind, struggle, temptation and then it came to me - Grace.
Grace. What an amazing word. I have heard it mean "God's Riches at Christ's expense." Websters says it means "a virtue coming from God" and "a state of sanctification enjoyed through devine grace." Either way, it is a virtue that comes straight from God - even the dictionary agrees on that!
I have experienced grace from God and from family this week. I had a situation at work that felt like the "friendship" was headed in the wrong direction through words that were spoken. I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to stop the jovial banter before it went any further. The person when confronted was very apologetic.
Then, I had to deal with my guilt. I felt like I had betrayed my husband even though this situation hadn't resulted in sin. I wasn't going to talk to Dave about it because I was afraid he would feel additional pressure to get me out of my work environment. However, after not sleeping for a good portion of the night I decided it was time to chat with him. Enter, Grace.
Dave was incredible gracious. He could have gotten upset. He could have not said anything. Instead, he shared with me his experiences where he could easily fall prey to a similar situation. He was aware of the situations and had set up boundaries so he did not fall into temptation. The conversation did two things for me. One, it allowed me an opportunity to get rid of my guilt by sharing the burden with my husband. Two, it allowed me to see that my husband is just a vulnerable to temptation as I am but he is maturing and recognizes the temptation. I guess there is a third thing too. I feel closer to my husband knowing I can talk with him about these kinds of temptations. He validates me instead of losing trust in me. I really appreciate that.
I have a good hubby and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him regardless of the challenges that come our way. Yesterday, repeatedly the verse that ran through my head was Mark 10:9, "Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate." Oh how true it is.
Grace. What an amazing word. I have heard it mean "God's Riches at Christ's expense." Websters says it means "a virtue coming from God" and "a state of sanctification enjoyed through devine grace." Either way, it is a virtue that comes straight from God - even the dictionary agrees on that!
I have experienced grace from God and from family this week. I had a situation at work that felt like the "friendship" was headed in the wrong direction through words that were spoken. I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to stop the jovial banter before it went any further. The person when confronted was very apologetic.
Then, I had to deal with my guilt. I felt like I had betrayed my husband even though this situation hadn't resulted in sin. I wasn't going to talk to Dave about it because I was afraid he would feel additional pressure to get me out of my work environment. However, after not sleeping for a good portion of the night I decided it was time to chat with him. Enter, Grace.
Dave was incredible gracious. He could have gotten upset. He could have not said anything. Instead, he shared with me his experiences where he could easily fall prey to a similar situation. He was aware of the situations and had set up boundaries so he did not fall into temptation. The conversation did two things for me. One, it allowed me an opportunity to get rid of my guilt by sharing the burden with my husband. Two, it allowed me to see that my husband is just a vulnerable to temptation as I am but he is maturing and recognizes the temptation. I guess there is a third thing too. I feel closer to my husband knowing I can talk with him about these kinds of temptations. He validates me instead of losing trust in me. I really appreciate that.
I have a good hubby and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him regardless of the challenges that come our way. Yesterday, repeatedly the verse that ran through my head was Mark 10:9, "Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate." Oh how true it is.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Word of the Week - Perseverance
I was kind of thinking about what words describe this past week and one pops into mind - PERSEVERANCE.
This is a word the person who married us gave us as we left for Kansas 6 days after our wedding ceramony. He said if there was one piece of advice he would give us it was to persevere. That was a God word in our relationship because it has proven to be what word best describes our relationship.
Dave and I have a relationship of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We both have expectations for ourself and for the other person. When one of us is struggling with our own set of "issues" the expectations are not met and that can cause tension. Great tension at times. Usually it is me who gets so frustrated with Dave when he does not follow through because he is depressed but sometimes I am sure he gets frustrated with me. It is during those times that we must persevere - keep moving forward.
We are such different people which is probably what makes us right for each other. I am a planner and organizer while he flies by the seat of his pants. I like order and stability. He likes those things too but feels like he should be the provider of those things. When he cannot meet his expectation he feels like a failure. That little voice in his head has been screaming rather loudly lately. The thing is, only he can silence that voice. Nothing I say or anyone else says can silence that voice because it is something he has to do. It takes LOTS of work to listen to the truth instead of the lie. I know. I have been there - recently.
On the other side is me. I have been experiencing levels of anger lately. Anger over my job. Anger of my husband. Anger over a stupid car that we just poured money into but is basically ready for the junk yard. Anger of the miscarriage. The thinks I was sad over a few days ago have now turned into things I am angry about. I hate being angry. That isn't who I want to be but as I have posted before, emotions are there for a reason. In the past I would just stuff my anger. Bury it. This time I am allowing myself to feel that anger. It doesn't feel good but I think there is probably healing that comes with being willing to at least acknowledge the feelings. The feeling is there for a reason. On this side of heaven things aren't going to be fair. Things are going to happen. That is part of life. Sometimes it just feels like the stresses of life are burdensome and very heavy.
So, what is the next step in this journey? We must persevere. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other. We must acknowledge our feelings and present them to Christ. We must keep moving forward. It was very intersting that the Proverbs 31 ministries devotional was on a very similiar topic this morning. That is kind of like a note from God to me. I love it when he does that. It is like a love, tangable note. It says to me, "I heard your prayer this morning and I know your heart. You are not alone and it is okay to feel the way you do. This too shall pass and on the other side you will have the knowledge and experience to share with others. Besides, emotions are normal. They are part of life and something special I created. Your life is more complete when you allow yourself to feel all the feelings instead of just the "good" feelings. How would you understand how poeple feel that do allow themselves to experience emotions? Feelings create empathy and that is a powerful gift. That is how relationships are grown. You are a woman of relationships. That is one of the reasons I have created you. Embrace that gift."
So, we persevere not always because we want to but because it is the right thing to do in moving forward. It is the next right step.
This is a word the person who married us gave us as we left for Kansas 6 days after our wedding ceramony. He said if there was one piece of advice he would give us it was to persevere. That was a God word in our relationship because it has proven to be what word best describes our relationship.
Dave and I have a relationship of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We both have expectations for ourself and for the other person. When one of us is struggling with our own set of "issues" the expectations are not met and that can cause tension. Great tension at times. Usually it is me who gets so frustrated with Dave when he does not follow through because he is depressed but sometimes I am sure he gets frustrated with me. It is during those times that we must persevere - keep moving forward.
We are such different people which is probably what makes us right for each other. I am a planner and organizer while he flies by the seat of his pants. I like order and stability. He likes those things too but feels like he should be the provider of those things. When he cannot meet his expectation he feels like a failure. That little voice in his head has been screaming rather loudly lately. The thing is, only he can silence that voice. Nothing I say or anyone else says can silence that voice because it is something he has to do. It takes LOTS of work to listen to the truth instead of the lie. I know. I have been there - recently.
On the other side is me. I have been experiencing levels of anger lately. Anger over my job. Anger of my husband. Anger over a stupid car that we just poured money into but is basically ready for the junk yard. Anger of the miscarriage. The thinks I was sad over a few days ago have now turned into things I am angry about. I hate being angry. That isn't who I want to be but as I have posted before, emotions are there for a reason. In the past I would just stuff my anger. Bury it. This time I am allowing myself to feel that anger. It doesn't feel good but I think there is probably healing that comes with being willing to at least acknowledge the feelings. The feeling is there for a reason. On this side of heaven things aren't going to be fair. Things are going to happen. That is part of life. Sometimes it just feels like the stresses of life are burdensome and very heavy.
So, what is the next step in this journey? We must persevere. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other. We must acknowledge our feelings and present them to Christ. We must keep moving forward. It was very intersting that the Proverbs 31 ministries devotional was on a very similiar topic this morning. That is kind of like a note from God to me. I love it when he does that. It is like a love, tangable note. It says to me, "I heard your prayer this morning and I know your heart. You are not alone and it is okay to feel the way you do. This too shall pass and on the other side you will have the knowledge and experience to share with others. Besides, emotions are normal. They are part of life and something special I created. Your life is more complete when you allow yourself to feel all the feelings instead of just the "good" feelings. How would you understand how poeple feel that do allow themselves to experience emotions? Feelings create empathy and that is a powerful gift. That is how relationships are grown. You are a woman of relationships. That is one of the reasons I have created you. Embrace that gift."
So, we persevere not always because we want to but because it is the right thing to do in moving forward. It is the next right step.
Monday, May 11, 2009
WOW. What an emotional month...
Do you ever feel like something is wrong with you because of emotions? The emotion I am referring to at present is the emotion that produces tears, both good and bad. I once believed that tears were a bad thing and I sometimes still wonder. They signify something is wrong or that something has been wrong. They are an emotional release of energy. I have always equated tears with depression but I am starting to think that is not always the case. Sometimes tears reflect the heart of a person. When someone you love is struggling with something the tears are a sign that yes, I understand what you are going through. I know it is not fun and I wish I could change it for you but I can't. It says I am willing to walk beside you and hold your hand beause I don't know how to do anything differently. It says I will pray for you and my heart hurts for you.
That is kind of where I am at right now. If you have read this post for awhile you know it is about emotions and feelings that creep up on me. Sometimes I try to explain the feelings away. Sometimes I move past the feelings by writing and sometimes I own the feelings. Today, I am owning my feelings because they are ligit.
This month has been a tough, tough month. We had a miscarriage and then we took a trip to visit my family, the second trip in two weeks. Augh.... I love my family dearly but they wear me out. They wear my husband out even more. There is this drive to be better than the next person. The competition is almost unbearable at times. My husband is pushed aside in some ways because no one understands his struggles. No one understands the sacrifices he is making right now. No one seems to understand that finding a job is more than just settling for what comes about. Sure, he could settle for any old job but he and I both want him to have the right one.
Granted, he puts pressures on himself, tremendous pressures and I know I contribute to that sometimes. I have it in my head that if he had a job and I got to stay home life would be oh so perfect. However, the reality is that is not necessarily the case. Yes, I would enjoy being a wife, mom and friend and not going to work. However, there are struggles that come with the isolation of being at home. We would get into a routine and that would be good but I know there are struggles that would come.
Getting back to this weekend, my brothers just don't understand. They don't understand why my husband doesn't give me exactly what I want and isn't willing to move everything in order to give me that. They don't understand that we truly believe God is in control of this situation and that means sometimes doing things against the norm. They do not understand why I am not so dogmatic with my husband and demanding.
The truth, I love my husband very much. I HATE it when people try and put a wedge between us, even when that someone is me. I love the man God has made Dave to be and the pressures he feels probably serve two purposes. The first might be so that he doesn't become stagnant and the second is because he does have tremendous responsibilities. The Bible is very explicit about his role. That is a tremendous amount of pressure that many men never even consider.
So, where does that leave me with my emotions. Who knows. The sun is shining, my son is down for a nap and I think I am going to pull some weeds. The tears will come and the tears will go but one thing I know for sure, God is right beside me, holding my hands and willing to listen to me. That is where I find my peace. When life is out of control He is still in control.
That is kind of where I am at right now. If you have read this post for awhile you know it is about emotions and feelings that creep up on me. Sometimes I try to explain the feelings away. Sometimes I move past the feelings by writing and sometimes I own the feelings. Today, I am owning my feelings because they are ligit.
This month has been a tough, tough month. We had a miscarriage and then we took a trip to visit my family, the second trip in two weeks. Augh.... I love my family dearly but they wear me out. They wear my husband out even more. There is this drive to be better than the next person. The competition is almost unbearable at times. My husband is pushed aside in some ways because no one understands his struggles. No one understands the sacrifices he is making right now. No one seems to understand that finding a job is more than just settling for what comes about. Sure, he could settle for any old job but he and I both want him to have the right one.
Granted, he puts pressures on himself, tremendous pressures and I know I contribute to that sometimes. I have it in my head that if he had a job and I got to stay home life would be oh so perfect. However, the reality is that is not necessarily the case. Yes, I would enjoy being a wife, mom and friend and not going to work. However, there are struggles that come with the isolation of being at home. We would get into a routine and that would be good but I know there are struggles that would come.
Getting back to this weekend, my brothers just don't understand. They don't understand why my husband doesn't give me exactly what I want and isn't willing to move everything in order to give me that. They don't understand that we truly believe God is in control of this situation and that means sometimes doing things against the norm. They do not understand why I am not so dogmatic with my husband and demanding.
The truth, I love my husband very much. I HATE it when people try and put a wedge between us, even when that someone is me. I love the man God has made Dave to be and the pressures he feels probably serve two purposes. The first might be so that he doesn't become stagnant and the second is because he does have tremendous responsibilities. The Bible is very explicit about his role. That is a tremendous amount of pressure that many men never even consider.
So, where does that leave me with my emotions. Who knows. The sun is shining, my son is down for a nap and I think I am going to pull some weeds. The tears will come and the tears will go but one thing I know for sure, God is right beside me, holding my hands and willing to listen to me. That is where I find my peace. When life is out of control He is still in control.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Ironic, I think not....
So this morning I was praying about my situation at work. Typically I pray and then read the Bible. This morning was no different. Both the old and New Testament directly related to my situation at work. In 2 Samuel 9 David has the opportunity to show kindness to anyone left in Saul's household. There is only one person and he is crippled, Mephibosheth. Not only does David ask him to live in the palace with him the rest of his life but he also gives back the land that belonged to Saul and his family. He even included the servants from the house of Ziba, Saul's servants. They were to care for the land.
.
What this says to me is that even when someone persecutes you it is still time to do the right thing. For David, a man who had been almost killed by Saul several times, he understood that when he made a promise to Jonathon he was going to keep that promise. A man true to his word. I can learn a lot from that.
The next chapter talks about David sending some amabassadors to the Ammonites to show sympathy for the King Nahash. When the ambassadors arrived some advisors of the new king were afraid of what was going on. They created a story saying the ambassadors were really spies sent to scope out the best way to overtake the city. I can understand David's frustration a little bit. His intentions were pure and what would be expected. The advisors to the new king could not believe there wasn't alterior motives. Why would they think any different? They would not send an ambassador to the people of Isreal without a hidden agenda.
I relate to this because there are times I do things because I feel like the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do them. As a result, I think people often times think I have a hidden agenda. Honestly my agenda is to get along with others and to point them towards Christ. That is hard to do when those people just don't understand.
Fast forward to the New Testament reading, again along the same lines. The idea that these ladies I work with really don't know any better. Luke 13:48 talks specifically about people who don't know any better. They will be judged less harshly because they don't know the good news. They don't know that they are doing wrong. They don't have the same moral code I do. I wish I didn't care but I do. The pain comes into play when I forget that they really don't know any better. My job is to continue to be myself. Eventually that will speak louder than words. In the mean time, I can continue to pray for strength to get me through this season at work. I can continue to pray that the Holy Spirit would fill the aisles at work and would comfort those who are hurting. I can pray that these people would see Jesus some how. Those are my prayers. All three of those only require one thing from me, obedience to stay true to the course.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Sweet Friends = Sweet Therapy
So, there is only one friend that I know of that knows me better than anyone else except maybe Dave. Today was emotionally exhausting but full of blessings. It is ending on a blessing. A phone call from a good friend. Not only was it a phone call but it was a phone call that came in two parts. The first part was a quick how are you doing/small talk but she followed up after she put her kids to bed in an amazing 17 minutes! That told me I was a priority to her. That made me feel very special and loved.
Not only did we get to talk about the miscarriage which actually happened to be the shortest part probably of our conversation but I got to share with her my struggles at work, something that is so close to my heart. She passed along a reminder that she had been given. The people I work with, the majority of them are probably not Christians. They do not have a set of standards that they live by. With that said, they honestly don't know any better. They treat people the way the do because that is how they have been treated. Anyone that treats them differently might be a breath of fresh air for awhile but eventually that person becomes intimidating. They become somewhat scary because there is something different about them (them being me). Please don't get me wrong. I am not boastful at all about my relationship with Christ because the closer I get to Him the more I see that I need him and how I don't have a clue about him. There are times when I feel like a baby Christian still on milk. Thankfully, those times are fewer and farther between but it is because of His grace and patience with me. It is also because I want something different for myself and my family. I want Christ to be the center of my life. That trumps all pressures - as strong as they might be at times.
I shared with my friend that almost daily as I walk into work I picture God opening his hand to mine, taking my hand and walking into work with me. There have been so many times where I have been prompted to pray that the Holy Spirit would fill the aisles. It honestly feels a little weird for me to pray that prayer but it is what has popped into my head and what I feel the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart. Maybe no one else prays for these people. Maybe that is part of my work at COUNTRY Financial.
I must be honest, the emotional job is tough. There are many, many days where I am ready to throw in the towel. There are days where I catch myself behaving poorly just like the people I do not enjoy being around. I would trade my job in a heartbeat and honestly, not look back. God has me there for a reason for this season. I hope the season changes soon but this challenge has definitely brought me closer to Christ. For that I am very thankful.
Not only did we get to talk about the miscarriage which actually happened to be the shortest part probably of our conversation but I got to share with her my struggles at work, something that is so close to my heart. She passed along a reminder that she had been given. The people I work with, the majority of them are probably not Christians. They do not have a set of standards that they live by. With that said, they honestly don't know any better. They treat people the way the do because that is how they have been treated. Anyone that treats them differently might be a breath of fresh air for awhile but eventually that person becomes intimidating. They become somewhat scary because there is something different about them (them being me). Please don't get me wrong. I am not boastful at all about my relationship with Christ because the closer I get to Him the more I see that I need him and how I don't have a clue about him. There are times when I feel like a baby Christian still on milk. Thankfully, those times are fewer and farther between but it is because of His grace and patience with me. It is also because I want something different for myself and my family. I want Christ to be the center of my life. That trumps all pressures - as strong as they might be at times.
I shared with my friend that almost daily as I walk into work I picture God opening his hand to mine, taking my hand and walking into work with me. There have been so many times where I have been prompted to pray that the Holy Spirit would fill the aisles. It honestly feels a little weird for me to pray that prayer but it is what has popped into my head and what I feel the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart. Maybe no one else prays for these people. Maybe that is part of my work at COUNTRY Financial.
I must be honest, the emotional job is tough. There are many, many days where I am ready to throw in the towel. There are days where I catch myself behaving poorly just like the people I do not enjoy being around. I would trade my job in a heartbeat and honestly, not look back. God has me there for a reason for this season. I hope the season changes soon but this challenge has definitely brought me closer to Christ. For that I am very thankful.
I can now go to bed refreshed. Thank you Jesus.
Christmas Present Returned
Well, sometimes life just sucks. I was a very early pregnant, probably about 5 weeks and when we went to do a sonogram there was nothing. That was so discouraging. That was on Wednesday. We did more blood work yesterday but my numbers that should have doubled only went up by 4 instead of 29. Now I am crampy and spotting. This truly is a bummer.
So, I have been using some of the tools I have learned in the past few months to cope with this loss. I have another blood test on Monday but as I bleed more the hope is fading. So, I am coming to terms with it. Yesterday as I was sitting in the doctor's office my blood pressure was way up, in fact, I have never had a reading that high before 124/80. Usually it is 110/70. The nurse said it was because I was nervous and I was. My heart was practically beating out of my chest! I had to wait for the nurse practioner to come in to chat with me and as I lay there, I was able to use some breathing techniques I had learned to calm down. When she got into the room I felt like I could have a conversation with her without crying or being completely irrational. I also did some visualization while taking some deep breaths. My mind was wondering for awhile but everywhere it went caused my anxiety and sadness to increase except one place. When I found myself in Jesus' arms I found peace. I pictured myself walking up to Jesus and asking if we could snuggle for awhile because I was scared. He pulled me up on his lap and just held me in his arms. That is where I found my peace.
As I type this I have tears rolling down my face. My heart is very sensitive and in the past I would have thought there was something wrong with that. Now I know tears are okay. Tears are healing. Tears are a sign of an emotion that is causing pain. I describe the pain I feel in my heart as a battle field. I use to think the battle field was in my mind and sometimes it still is but their is also a battle in my heart. My heart is where true change happens. Sometimes that is last resort for Satan to say, so what you ganna do? As soon as I choose Christ, my battle is over because it is turned over to Him.
The past few months, probably going on 7 or 8 now, have been a true time of growth for me in my relationship with Christ. I think it is because of this reason that I can get through the tough times with a little bit of clarity. One of the things I believe with my whole heart is that God is in control of ALL things. He is in control of my life. He is in control of Dave's life. He is in control of when we have additional children. He is in control of when Dave gets a new job. He is in control of all of that. Sometimes I push the issue. I want things to happen now. I am a planner and I like to see the plan. I am okay with whatever happens but I want to know the end result. But, if we always knew the end result what role would faith play in our lives? IF we knew what was always going to happen we would not have a need for faith. My security is often times in "the plan" but that is not where my security needs to be. It needs to be in Christ.
So, I have been using some of the tools I have learned in the past few months to cope with this loss. I have another blood test on Monday but as I bleed more the hope is fading. So, I am coming to terms with it. Yesterday as I was sitting in the doctor's office my blood pressure was way up, in fact, I have never had a reading that high before 124/80. Usually it is 110/70. The nurse said it was because I was nervous and I was. My heart was practically beating out of my chest! I had to wait for the nurse practioner to come in to chat with me and as I lay there, I was able to use some breathing techniques I had learned to calm down. When she got into the room I felt like I could have a conversation with her without crying or being completely irrational. I also did some visualization while taking some deep breaths. My mind was wondering for awhile but everywhere it went caused my anxiety and sadness to increase except one place. When I found myself in Jesus' arms I found peace. I pictured myself walking up to Jesus and asking if we could snuggle for awhile because I was scared. He pulled me up on his lap and just held me in his arms. That is where I found my peace.
As I type this I have tears rolling down my face. My heart is very sensitive and in the past I would have thought there was something wrong with that. Now I know tears are okay. Tears are healing. Tears are a sign of an emotion that is causing pain. I describe the pain I feel in my heart as a battle field. I use to think the battle field was in my mind and sometimes it still is but their is also a battle in my heart. My heart is where true change happens. Sometimes that is last resort for Satan to say, so what you ganna do? As soon as I choose Christ, my battle is over because it is turned over to Him.
The past few months, probably going on 7 or 8 now, have been a true time of growth for me in my relationship with Christ. I think it is because of this reason that I can get through the tough times with a little bit of clarity. One of the things I believe with my whole heart is that God is in control of ALL things. He is in control of my life. He is in control of Dave's life. He is in control of when we have additional children. He is in control of when Dave gets a new job. He is in control of all of that. Sometimes I push the issue. I want things to happen now. I am a planner and I like to see the plan. I am okay with whatever happens but I want to know the end result. But, if we always knew the end result what role would faith play in our lives? IF we knew what was always going to happen we would not have a need for faith. My security is often times in "the plan" but that is not where my security needs to be. It needs to be in Christ.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
It's Been Awhile...
I haven't posted anything new in awhile. Sometimes it is easier to post when life is tough. Why is that? Sometimes getting thoughts out on paper some how helps.
Life is so full of uncertainities. Sometimes I want to crawl into a ditch and just hide. Sometimes I get so angry and ask God, what is the deal. Regardless of what I do with my struggles I find myself in God's arms more often than not. Time and time again, when I take a few minutes to talk to God and tell him my thoughts and feelings all the sudden I feel so much better. I feel that peace that surpasses all understanding. I find myself still uncertain about the future but more confident that my small situation is part of the big picture.
Ironically, (naw, probably not ironically) I was reading a devotional this morning that said exactly what I was trying to say above. I love the Proverbs 31 devotionals because they are real. The authors don't sugar coat things. They say that life is tough, but, God is good. I read that verse yesterday in a doctor's office and did not realize it would follow me out the door. Thankfully, that idea has been on my heart and mind repeatedly throughout these past 24 hours.
I wish I could say that I love learning lessons but I would be lying. I love wisdom and I asked that God would give that to me but it is not an easy gift. It requires care and use. Even though I have wisdom, I still have free will. Sometimes those two characteristics battle it out in my heart. Sometimes I want to throw a fit and say, "but God, it's not fair!" And he replies, "life isn't fair but I am good and I am in control. Trust me."
That is good news.
Life is so full of uncertainities. Sometimes I want to crawl into a ditch and just hide. Sometimes I get so angry and ask God, what is the deal. Regardless of what I do with my struggles I find myself in God's arms more often than not. Time and time again, when I take a few minutes to talk to God and tell him my thoughts and feelings all the sudden I feel so much better. I feel that peace that surpasses all understanding. I find myself still uncertain about the future but more confident that my small situation is part of the big picture.
Ironically, (naw, probably not ironically) I was reading a devotional this morning that said exactly what I was trying to say above. I love the Proverbs 31 devotionals because they are real. The authors don't sugar coat things. They say that life is tough, but, God is good. I read that verse yesterday in a doctor's office and did not realize it would follow me out the door. Thankfully, that idea has been on my heart and mind repeatedly throughout these past 24 hours.
I wish I could say that I love learning lessons but I would be lying. I love wisdom and I asked that God would give that to me but it is not an easy gift. It requires care and use. Even though I have wisdom, I still have free will. Sometimes those two characteristics battle it out in my heart. Sometimes I want to throw a fit and say, "but God, it's not fair!" And he replies, "life isn't fair but I am good and I am in control. Trust me."
That is good news.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where I am at....
I don't even know where to start. I am not sure what exactly is on my mind other than that it is almost 1am and I am I awake. Hate that. Almost three nights like this now. Grrrr..... But, that presents an opportunity for reflection and prayer.
Lately, work has been on my mind. It has been a struggle of the mind, quite honestly. I feel like people look at me differently there. I am not sure why. I didn't do anything that I know of. I know sometimes the gossip ring gets to flowing and people make things up. Why do they do that? Why do people have to be mean and hateful? Why do I even care? I go back to this feeling of heavy oppression at work. It is a feeling like what I felt in high school. It is this desire for people to like me. I want to be treated with respect. I feel like I go out of my way to treat others with respect. I don't talk about them behind their backs even though sometimes I want to be mean and hateful. When I feel like that I pray about it. I just don't get it.
So, I think about what thoughts fill my head. Thoughts about "I am not my brother's keeper" and "pray for those who persecute you." I feel a little like a major persecution is taking place. Again, I have to ask myself, why do I care? I care because I care about the truth coming out. I care about treating people fairly. I care about kindness and gentleness. I care about how others feel and I want them to care about how I feel. I feel like leader who has fallen from her position of leadership. I love leading but something happened.
All of this is very humbling and I kind of look at it for a minute and ask, what would Jesus do? He was perscuted more than any other. People could not handle the truth that he shared. Jesus pushed on. That is where I am struggling. I am having trouble pushing on. Sure, I am going to work and doing my job but I want more than that. I am a woman who loves relationships. The relationships at work are broken and that makes me sad.
I want to run away, honestly. I want to start fresh, start over. But, I know I can't do that. As I have prayed and asked God for wisdom the response is that He won't keep me there one day longer than he needs me there. He knows my heart. He knows I am hurting and at times, lonely at work. He also knows that it is through the tough times that we grow and change. We are refined. I feel like I am in the refining process and the fire is hot. So often I just want out of the fire. I want to be in the cool of stability. I want peace, internal peace. Even when chaos is flowing all around me I want the peace that surpasses all understanding. And the truth, that peace is available to me. I just have to accept it. It is a complete submission to Christ and his authority over my life. It is continuing to tell myself the truth. I am a good person with a good heart. I want to do what Christ has called me to do and right now, that is to work at COUNTRY. As I type that tears come to my eyes because that is not what I want. However, during this Easter season I am reminded that Christ did not want to die on the cross. He did not want to be separated from His Father yet that was what had to be done. He prayed and pleaded. In the end, he submitted.
Based on this, I have to give myself some grace. Once again, I see that Christ knows how I feel. He knows what it feels like to want something differently but to submit to his current situation. He knows which is why when I walk into work every morning he walks in with me. Honestly, when I walk into work I ask God to join me. I can't get through the day without him. I picture him holding my hand and saying, "let's do this together. You are not alone." And that is where there is peace.
A hymn just popped into my head that must be straight from God because I don't usually think in terms of hymns. The song is In the Garden. The refrain says, "He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known." My relationship with Christ is the most special relationship I have. He does walk with me and he does talk with me. He whispers sweet encouragement to me and he is never harsh. Sometimes I think what have I done that God would allow me in this position at work and in my life. The truth, I have trusted him. He is in the business of refining. If I wasn't going through a tough time I might miss the sound of His voice. With that being said, I am encouraged to know that I can hear his voice during times of prosperity too. But, I must be faithful. Job was faithful when he lost everything. He didn't do anything to deserve that yet he continued to be true to God. He must have struggled with his thoughts just like I do at times but the truth comes back to Him being in control. That is where I find my peace and my strength.
Lately, work has been on my mind. It has been a struggle of the mind, quite honestly. I feel like people look at me differently there. I am not sure why. I didn't do anything that I know of. I know sometimes the gossip ring gets to flowing and people make things up. Why do they do that? Why do people have to be mean and hateful? Why do I even care? I go back to this feeling of heavy oppression at work. It is a feeling like what I felt in high school. It is this desire for people to like me. I want to be treated with respect. I feel like I go out of my way to treat others with respect. I don't talk about them behind their backs even though sometimes I want to be mean and hateful. When I feel like that I pray about it. I just don't get it.
So, I think about what thoughts fill my head. Thoughts about "I am not my brother's keeper" and "pray for those who persecute you." I feel a little like a major persecution is taking place. Again, I have to ask myself, why do I care? I care because I care about the truth coming out. I care about treating people fairly. I care about kindness and gentleness. I care about how others feel and I want them to care about how I feel. I feel like leader who has fallen from her position of leadership. I love leading but something happened.
All of this is very humbling and I kind of look at it for a minute and ask, what would Jesus do? He was perscuted more than any other. People could not handle the truth that he shared. Jesus pushed on. That is where I am struggling. I am having trouble pushing on. Sure, I am going to work and doing my job but I want more than that. I am a woman who loves relationships. The relationships at work are broken and that makes me sad.
I want to run away, honestly. I want to start fresh, start over. But, I know I can't do that. As I have prayed and asked God for wisdom the response is that He won't keep me there one day longer than he needs me there. He knows my heart. He knows I am hurting and at times, lonely at work. He also knows that it is through the tough times that we grow and change. We are refined. I feel like I am in the refining process and the fire is hot. So often I just want out of the fire. I want to be in the cool of stability. I want peace, internal peace. Even when chaos is flowing all around me I want the peace that surpasses all understanding. And the truth, that peace is available to me. I just have to accept it. It is a complete submission to Christ and his authority over my life. It is continuing to tell myself the truth. I am a good person with a good heart. I want to do what Christ has called me to do and right now, that is to work at COUNTRY. As I type that tears come to my eyes because that is not what I want. However, during this Easter season I am reminded that Christ did not want to die on the cross. He did not want to be separated from His Father yet that was what had to be done. He prayed and pleaded. In the end, he submitted.
Based on this, I have to give myself some grace. Once again, I see that Christ knows how I feel. He knows what it feels like to want something differently but to submit to his current situation. He knows which is why when I walk into work every morning he walks in with me. Honestly, when I walk into work I ask God to join me. I can't get through the day without him. I picture him holding my hand and saying, "let's do this together. You are not alone." And that is where there is peace.
A hymn just popped into my head that must be straight from God because I don't usually think in terms of hymns. The song is In the Garden. The refrain says, "He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known." My relationship with Christ is the most special relationship I have. He does walk with me and he does talk with me. He whispers sweet encouragement to me and he is never harsh. Sometimes I think what have I done that God would allow me in this position at work and in my life. The truth, I have trusted him. He is in the business of refining. If I wasn't going through a tough time I might miss the sound of His voice. With that being said, I am encouraged to know that I can hear his voice during times of prosperity too. But, I must be faithful. Job was faithful when he lost everything. He didn't do anything to deserve that yet he continued to be true to God. He must have struggled with his thoughts just like I do at times but the truth comes back to Him being in control. That is where I find my peace and my strength.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Moving On
Ever have those weeks that are just tough? I mean really tough. Not just physically but emotionally. It is the kind of week that leaves you feeling tired.
I had that kind of a week this past week and it was very tough. There was a situation at work that ended up hurting me emotionally very deeply. I hurt at the core of who I am. That doesn't happen very often. In the past I would have chosen to deal with the situation by stuffing my feelings and just "moving on" but this time was different. This time I decided to allow my emotions to run. I cried - a lot. I was hurt. I felt betrayed and so angry. I wanted peace but it wasn't at work and at times it wasn't at home either. I found myself on my knees pouring out my heart to God and he met with me. I was sitting down with my Bible yesterday morning and I had read my passages for the day. I just prayed a very simple pray, "Sorry Lord but this is all I have for you today. I am broken." As clearly as I can hear the Lord in the small part of my heart I felt him say, "That is okay. I love you and together we will make it through today."
The stillness of God. The promises of God. The truth of God. The legacy of God. The love of the heavenly Father, my Heavenly Father. I felt all of that this week and so much more. I realized that my experience was something Christ could relate to all too well. After Jesus had been arrested Peter, a very special disciple whom Jesus loved very much and I believe the feeling was mutual, betrayed Jesus. He said he did not know Jesus. OUCH! Wait a minute. You guys were best friends and you just denied knowing him. And to top it all off, Jesus said you would do that. Wow. That is brutal. So, Jesus knows how I felt. There is relief in that.
I have also seen just how far I have come and I give the glory to God. He has walked me through so much this past year. I kind of feel like I am on the verge of being done with the latest set of trials because I get it. I get where I have to go when life is tough. I get where I have to go when life is good. I get it. Not only do I get it, I believe it.
That is the difference, I actually believe that God truly loves me. I believe he has my best interest in hand. As I was thinking about it a little bit this morning the thought came to mind that maybe I was hurt by this situation at work to prevent me from being hurt even more deeply later.
I have had to look at some very serious topics this past week. I have had to look at anger. I have stared it in the face and chosen to do the right thing. I have had to take a look at the verse that talks about loving your enemies. Ouch. That is really tough - especially when you thought your enemies were friends. I have found that the best way for me to combat the anger is to pray for them. It is a very, very simple prayer. Lord, bless them. That is all I can muster.
I have had to look at hurt. Physical pain is one thing but emotional pain - that hurts in a different way. That hurts at the core of who I am. I had to ask myself who I was and the answer, I am a woman who loves people. When I prayed about what needed to do through this process the answer, love them.
Love them. I don't want to even look at them or be in the same area as them! But, that is the answer. I have to love them. I have to pray for them. That is part of my healing process. Revenge is God's. It is my responsibility to do as he commands and asks of me.
I have had to look at the past and the present. God has gently pulled me along on an amazing journey. The journey is far from over and I am confident there will be more challenges, some that seem daunting but I also know that God is faithful. Just as He has gently pulled me through this experience he will do that with whatever comes my way - one step at a time.
So, today, I am taking a day to take care of myself and enjoy time at home. I took an extra long shower, pampered myself with lotions, spent extra time on my make-up and did something I love to do, prepared a dinner for a neighbor that just had a baby. I get to share the love of Christ with others and that is what this life is all about. It is about sharing God's love with others, even those that persecute us. God is love. Since we are made in his image that also makes us love. What an amazing journey.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Hurt and trying to move on
Ever had those times when someone does something to you and you try to move on but are having a rough time? I am having one of those times now at work with the people I work with. I have confronted to no avail. I was told I was paranoid. You see, someone said I said something about someone but no one has the guts to say what I said. The injustice is what is bothering me more than anything. It hurts in my chest. The more I try to let it go the more I hold on to it.
Why do I care what others think of me? Why is that so important? I guess more than anything I want to make things right. That is kind of hard to do when you don't know what you did. The hardest part of all of this, I have to work with these people on a daily basis. I can't just ignore them. Maybe I can a little bit but I can't all together.
A good friend told me yesterday there is a good chance I haven't done anything other than stand strong for what I believe. That can be intimidating. True, but the hurt is still there. What do I do with the hurt? How do I move on?
Enter, God. I can't do this alone. I have cried out to him so much over this situation. I have found myself literally on my knees begging for wisdom and guidence - some relief. Last night our study was on forgiving debts - all kinds of debts. That means forgiving people who don't know any better. That means putting the past behind and moving forward. That is so tough for me to do for some reason. Why?
Lord, help me today please. Send me some joy and open my eyes so that I don't miss it. Let that be my focus instead of pettiness and caddiness. Help me to be above that. Heal me please. Let me know the truth and may that set me free.
Why do I care what others think of me? Why is that so important? I guess more than anything I want to make things right. That is kind of hard to do when you don't know what you did. The hardest part of all of this, I have to work with these people on a daily basis. I can't just ignore them. Maybe I can a little bit but I can't all together.
A good friend told me yesterday there is a good chance I haven't done anything other than stand strong for what I believe. That can be intimidating. True, but the hurt is still there. What do I do with the hurt? How do I move on?
Enter, God. I can't do this alone. I have cried out to him so much over this situation. I have found myself literally on my knees begging for wisdom and guidence - some relief. Last night our study was on forgiving debts - all kinds of debts. That means forgiving people who don't know any better. That means putting the past behind and moving forward. That is so tough for me to do for some reason. Why?
Lord, help me today please. Send me some joy and open my eyes so that I don't miss it. Let that be my focus instead of pettiness and caddiness. Help me to be above that. Heal me please. Let me know the truth and may that set me free.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Kind of like posting
So, I decided I kind of like posting new blogs. Kind of fun. Kind of interesting. Kind of lets me get my thoughts out. I kind of like that!
So, this weekend was very nice. I love time at home with my boys. Dave has hit a turning point in his struggles with perfectionism and it has been an amazing transformation. There is freedom when we realize we need to persue excellence, not perfection. Thanks to The Birth Order book by Kevin Leman, both Dave and I are in persuit of excellence instead of perfection. Good thing too because we are definintely not perfect.
I was reminded of that this past weekend. We went to visit some friends and Will was all over the place during dinner. He had already eaten and decided that he wanted to bang on the tray instead of just sit there. Honestly, I don't blame him. He was kind of bored. So, I let him down. My hope was that he would just play by himself and for the most part he did. However, I had a hard time enjoying the conversation because I was not comfortable with our friends not being comfortable. I felt like they were looking down on us because Will is not a "perfect" child. Even as I write this I am convicted. I want Will to be perfect at times because I think it is a reflection of what Dave and I are doing with him. STOP!
Truth time. Dave and I are learning as we go but we are doing an okay job. We have a happy little guy that loves us dearly. He loves to explore and loves to test his boundaries. Our job is to make sure those boundaries are in place. We are working with him on training him up instead of waiting for him to need correction. For example, I worked with him a little bit on teaching him to come to me on the first call this weekend. He was on the floor playing and I would say, "Come to mama." When he would come I would praise him. The time that he didn't I went over, picked him up and then took him back to where he was originally sitting so we could try it again. It worked! Will is a pleaser kind of like me. He hates it when he disappoints us.
I kind of think about myself in this light. I too am a pleaser. I hate it when people are not happy with me and even more so when there is nothing I can do about it. As I have prayed about a situation at work this weekend the thought continually comes to mind, pray for your enemies. Pray for those poeple that hurt you. Part of me wants to treat them the same way they are treating me but that is not the right thing to do. So, time for some space. Time for a time out. Time for prayer. Prayer changes things ten fold. Prayer repairs relationships. Prayer restores time lost. Prayer restores my heart and keeps me focused on what is important. Prayer lifts my burdens and replaces them with joy. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you are faced with trials because the testing of your faith produces perserverance and that is what will carry me through.
Pure joy. It is not an emotion. It is a state of being. It is the result of choices we make. It is a free gift. It does not mean I will feel happy persay but rather that I know I am doing God's will and that makes all the difference.
So, this weekend was very nice. I love time at home with my boys. Dave has hit a turning point in his struggles with perfectionism and it has been an amazing transformation. There is freedom when we realize we need to persue excellence, not perfection. Thanks to The Birth Order book by Kevin Leman, both Dave and I are in persuit of excellence instead of perfection. Good thing too because we are definintely not perfect.
I was reminded of that this past weekend. We went to visit some friends and Will was all over the place during dinner. He had already eaten and decided that he wanted to bang on the tray instead of just sit there. Honestly, I don't blame him. He was kind of bored. So, I let him down. My hope was that he would just play by himself and for the most part he did. However, I had a hard time enjoying the conversation because I was not comfortable with our friends not being comfortable. I felt like they were looking down on us because Will is not a "perfect" child. Even as I write this I am convicted. I want Will to be perfect at times because I think it is a reflection of what Dave and I are doing with him. STOP!
Truth time. Dave and I are learning as we go but we are doing an okay job. We have a happy little guy that loves us dearly. He loves to explore and loves to test his boundaries. Our job is to make sure those boundaries are in place. We are working with him on training him up instead of waiting for him to need correction. For example, I worked with him a little bit on teaching him to come to me on the first call this weekend. He was on the floor playing and I would say, "Come to mama." When he would come I would praise him. The time that he didn't I went over, picked him up and then took him back to where he was originally sitting so we could try it again. It worked! Will is a pleaser kind of like me. He hates it when he disappoints us.
I kind of think about myself in this light. I too am a pleaser. I hate it when people are not happy with me and even more so when there is nothing I can do about it. As I have prayed about a situation at work this weekend the thought continually comes to mind, pray for your enemies. Pray for those poeple that hurt you. Part of me wants to treat them the same way they are treating me but that is not the right thing to do. So, time for some space. Time for a time out. Time for prayer. Prayer changes things ten fold. Prayer repairs relationships. Prayer restores time lost. Prayer restores my heart and keeps me focused on what is important. Prayer lifts my burdens and replaces them with joy. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you are faced with trials because the testing of your faith produces perserverance and that is what will carry me through.
Pure joy. It is not an emotion. It is a state of being. It is the result of choices we make. It is a free gift. It does not mean I will feel happy persay but rather that I know I am doing God's will and that makes all the difference.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Trials & Blessings
It is always amazing to me how life can be rolling along, things can be good and then, you can hite a huge pothole in the road. I have always thought about potholes as being a bad thing but today, I have a different perspective. I think it can be a major pothole that leaves me with a flat tire or it can be a reminder to slow down.
Today I had a choice to make. I had a pothole and I was sinking in it. I was being swallowed up by it kind of like sinking in quick sand. It was about a situation at work I have absolutely no control over. It does effect me but I think in it effecting me I am growing as a person.
I am a pleaser, definintely. I like to please poeple and like for people to be pleased with me. Both issues can be a problem but also good. There is a happy medium. Part of who God made me to be is a pleaser but more than a pleaser, an encourager. I love to encourage poeple. I love to be a part of their life in any way I can be. But, here is the issue. When I am trying to please people I am doing it on my own merit and I miss the blessings that God can provide. When I feel God's prompting to encourage people both me and the other person receive the blessing. So, the moral of this story, chat with God first, and please second.
I love how God kind of reminds us of a message. So, I went for a walk and just prayed about my situation at work. Do I confront this person or not? The answer was different than the one I received two weeks ago when I had to confront a different person (been a rough few weeks). The answer, just pray for her. "God, are you sure? I mean, you are teaching me how to confront and all. Maybe I should just ask her what her beef is with me." And the answer again was please don't question me. Just pray for her. She is hurting right now and searching for acceptance in the wrong places. Yes, you are receiving the brunt of the attack (a silent attack which in my opinion is the worse kind) but my grace and love for you are sufficient. Then I felt like I was suppose to go back and read my devotional again from Proverbs 31 ministries. It was all about having Faith. The verse was perfect, "Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth" (Col 3:2). Not on things or people. I have to retrain my mind to look up to God when the tire is hitting a pothole instead of trying to push the car through it. One option has grace, the other is very difficult and energy zapping.
Another blessing was a post I was reading from Gillian Peabody. Her son died last fall from a brain tumor and her posts over the past few months have been precious. They have been a true pouring out of her heart and what God is teaching her. She is so honest. Her post today was about being tired and she equated it to a spiritual drowsiness. She needed to engage but didn't have the strength. Instead, she trusted God and he engaged for her. It reminded me that the same God who is crazy about Gillian is crazy about me. He loves me so much. That is the truth. That is what is important.
Today I had a choice to make. I had a pothole and I was sinking in it. I was being swallowed up by it kind of like sinking in quick sand. It was about a situation at work I have absolutely no control over. It does effect me but I think in it effecting me I am growing as a person.
I am a pleaser, definintely. I like to please poeple and like for people to be pleased with me. Both issues can be a problem but also good. There is a happy medium. Part of who God made me to be is a pleaser but more than a pleaser, an encourager. I love to encourage poeple. I love to be a part of their life in any way I can be. But, here is the issue. When I am trying to please people I am doing it on my own merit and I miss the blessings that God can provide. When I feel God's prompting to encourage people both me and the other person receive the blessing. So, the moral of this story, chat with God first, and please second.
I love how God kind of reminds us of a message. So, I went for a walk and just prayed about my situation at work. Do I confront this person or not? The answer was different than the one I received two weeks ago when I had to confront a different person (been a rough few weeks). The answer, just pray for her. "God, are you sure? I mean, you are teaching me how to confront and all. Maybe I should just ask her what her beef is with me." And the answer again was please don't question me. Just pray for her. She is hurting right now and searching for acceptance in the wrong places. Yes, you are receiving the brunt of the attack (a silent attack which in my opinion is the worse kind) but my grace and love for you are sufficient. Then I felt like I was suppose to go back and read my devotional again from Proverbs 31 ministries. It was all about having Faith. The verse was perfect, "Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth" (Col 3:2). Not on things or people. I have to retrain my mind to look up to God when the tire is hitting a pothole instead of trying to push the car through it. One option has grace, the other is very difficult and energy zapping.
Another blessing was a post I was reading from Gillian Peabody. Her son died last fall from a brain tumor and her posts over the past few months have been precious. They have been a true pouring out of her heart and what God is teaching her. She is so honest. Her post today was about being tired and she equated it to a spiritual drowsiness. She needed to engage but didn't have the strength. Instead, she trusted God and he engaged for her. It reminded me that the same God who is crazy about Gillian is crazy about me. He loves me so much. That is the truth. That is what is important.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A Gentle Reminder
Do you ever wake up angry? I do. I did this morning. I was angry about my husband and the struggles he is going through. I wanted to do something but what? So, I got on my knees and poured out my heart to God asking him to make me clean on the inside. Throughout the morning God has dropped little hints in my lap of how much he loves me. I was looking for a verse to put on Will's album and came across this one, "He tends to his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11.
I think God wrote this verse just for me, just for today. I am part of his flock and I was struggling this morning. He holds me close to His heart. I am wrapped up in his arms. No matter how much I kick and scream Jesus is still holding me. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to share everything with him, my struggles and praises. He wants me to be honest. I was honest this morning. It felt a little ackward. Why should I be angry at the man I love so much? Dave is a gift that has been given to me. Yet, I saw him this morning as selfish and lazy. The struggle is that it might appear he is selfish and lazy on the outside but on the inside I know he is struggling with himself. He struggles with selfishness. He struggles with perfection that can be misconstrued at laziness. He listens to the lies and it keeps him sick.
Enter God. The God of the universe promises to carry me close to his heart but this verse is also true for Dave. God will hold him close, love on him and pull him from the pit of dispair. There is an awesome verse in the Book Breaking Free by Beth Moore that talks about why Christ came. It is in Isaiah. It says, "He has anointed me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of dispair and the garmet of praise in stead of mourning. " Isaiah 61:1-3.
Also, I heard on the radio a song this morning about how God puts people together. We are put together because we are a strong combo. Otherwise, we would not be together. Pride and resentment damage that relationship but God builds it back up. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, grace and fingerprints on everyday. You are the ultimate encouragement.
I think God wrote this verse just for me, just for today. I am part of his flock and I was struggling this morning. He holds me close to His heart. I am wrapped up in his arms. No matter how much I kick and scream Jesus is still holding me. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to share everything with him, my struggles and praises. He wants me to be honest. I was honest this morning. It felt a little ackward. Why should I be angry at the man I love so much? Dave is a gift that has been given to me. Yet, I saw him this morning as selfish and lazy. The struggle is that it might appear he is selfish and lazy on the outside but on the inside I know he is struggling with himself. He struggles with selfishness. He struggles with perfection that can be misconstrued at laziness. He listens to the lies and it keeps him sick.
Enter God. The God of the universe promises to carry me close to his heart but this verse is also true for Dave. God will hold him close, love on him and pull him from the pit of dispair. There is an awesome verse in the Book Breaking Free by Beth Moore that talks about why Christ came. It is in Isaiah. It says, "He has anointed me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of dispair and the garmet of praise in stead of mourning. " Isaiah 61:1-3.
Also, I heard on the radio a song this morning about how God puts people together. We are put together because we are a strong combo. Otherwise, we would not be together. Pride and resentment damage that relationship but God builds it back up. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, grace and fingerprints on everyday. You are the ultimate encouragement.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Confrontation - Easier Over Time
So, I have an experience I wanted to share about. There was a lady at work I was having a conflict with but I wasn't sure what the conflict was over. I had im'ed her one day asking if we were okay and she said sure. I did not buy it but wanted to give it a little time (and honestly, did not want to confront the situation). I mulled over it all weekend and by today, I could not take it any longer. I had to find out what was going on. I even cried over it. So, I went for a short walk and prayed about it. As I listened quietly I knew what I had to do. I had to have a face to face confrontation.
Now, for people that know me they know I hate confrontation. I use to not do it. I would just stuff my feelings. I have begun to turn over a new leaf. I have to confront situations because they naw at me. It was to the point today that I did not even want to come to work. I cried over this for cryin' out loud. I was hurt because the cold shoulder was more than I could take and I did not know what I had done.
Turns out, the playful banter had caused some pain. We would joke with each other and sometimes it gets out of hand. It did. Thankfully, God, in his infinite wisdom gave me the courage to confront her and mend our relationship. We were friends. Thankfully, I think we are still friends. We have a better understanding of each other now. I have asked her to let me know when I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt her feelings and she is going to do the same with me. In some ways, we now have a deeper relationship. We have had a conflict and are rising above it. I feel like literally one thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Lord for the opportunity and the courage to confront the situation.
Another thing that has come out of this is that I am so thankful for the way my husband handles conflict, external anyway. He confronts the situation. I never have to wonder if I have said something that has hurt his feelings. He is quick to let me know. Sometimes this can be draining but I will take this any day over the cold shoulder. And I need to keep that in mind. I can be the giver of the cold shoulder at times. Man, that must make people feel really rotten. Yuck.
So, next time, and there will be a next time, hopefully I can confront the situation sooner instead of letting it last a week. The stress has been unbelievable this past week. Running from problems never solves anything. Confronting them solves everything.
Now, for people that know me they know I hate confrontation. I use to not do it. I would just stuff my feelings. I have begun to turn over a new leaf. I have to confront situations because they naw at me. It was to the point today that I did not even want to come to work. I cried over this for cryin' out loud. I was hurt because the cold shoulder was more than I could take and I did not know what I had done.
Turns out, the playful banter had caused some pain. We would joke with each other and sometimes it gets out of hand. It did. Thankfully, God, in his infinite wisdom gave me the courage to confront her and mend our relationship. We were friends. Thankfully, I think we are still friends. We have a better understanding of each other now. I have asked her to let me know when I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt her feelings and she is going to do the same with me. In some ways, we now have a deeper relationship. We have had a conflict and are rising above it. I feel like literally one thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Lord for the opportunity and the courage to confront the situation.
Another thing that has come out of this is that I am so thankful for the way my husband handles conflict, external anyway. He confronts the situation. I never have to wonder if I have said something that has hurt his feelings. He is quick to let me know. Sometimes this can be draining but I will take this any day over the cold shoulder. And I need to keep that in mind. I can be the giver of the cold shoulder at times. Man, that must make people feel really rotten. Yuck.
So, next time, and there will be a next time, hopefully I can confront the situation sooner instead of letting it last a week. The stress has been unbelievable this past week. Running from problems never solves anything. Confronting them solves everything.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Pressing on Towards the Goal
What is a goal? Do I have any goals? Yes, I do. As a matter of fact, I have several. Granted, some of them are long term and there is no way I can spead up the result but some are shorter term. Here are some of them (I am kind of into lists right now!)
Short term
I would like to have another baby
I would like to train for another marathon and qualify for the Boston Marathon
I would like to go hiking in the Grand Canyon
I would like to be a stay at home mom
I would like to finish the Birth Order book and Breaking Free (I have someone that is going to read Breaking Free with me - yea!)
I would like to make dinner for my hubby for tomorrow night when he gets home
I would like to get my laundry folded (been sitting in a pile for three days now - YIKES!)
I want to be able to encourage someone every day (already had the opportunity today!)
I want to lose another 20 pounds (16 down since Will)
Long Term Goals
I want to raise Will to be a God fearing young man who loves the Lord at a young age
I want to travel to Greece with my hubby
I want to get completely out of debt
I want to be comfortable in my own skin the majority of the time
I want to have a deeper love of Christ and trust Him all the time instead of just when it is convenient.
I want to write a devotional book and maybe do public speaking - more sharing my heart with others
What are your goals?
Short term
I would like to have another baby
I would like to train for another marathon and qualify for the Boston Marathon
I would like to go hiking in the Grand Canyon
I would like to be a stay at home mom
I would like to finish the Birth Order book and Breaking Free (I have someone that is going to read Breaking Free with me - yea!)
I would like to make dinner for my hubby for tomorrow night when he gets home
I would like to get my laundry folded (been sitting in a pile for three days now - YIKES!)
I want to be able to encourage someone every day (already had the opportunity today!)
I want to lose another 20 pounds (16 down since Will)
Long Term Goals
I want to raise Will to be a God fearing young man who loves the Lord at a young age
I want to travel to Greece with my hubby
I want to get completely out of debt
I want to be comfortable in my own skin the majority of the time
I want to have a deeper love of Christ and trust Him all the time instead of just when it is convenient.
I want to write a devotional book and maybe do public speaking - more sharing my heart with others
What are your goals?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Blah Kind of a Day
Ever have those days where you just feel blah. People around you feel blah. The weather is blah. Blah....
I wish how people felt did not effect me but moods do. My husband's mood effects me. The people I work with effect me. Kind of gets me down.
So, what do I do? I went to counseling and we talked a little bit about this but the bottom line is that humans feed off of each other. When one person is down, everyone suffers a little bit. When one person is happy people feed off of that. My problem is that I think sometimes people are mad at me when I don't know what I have done wrong. I hate that!
So, time for some self talk. Getting back to the basics. First, I am a good person. I am loved by many and when I don't feel loved I need to go out and get a hug (usually from my hubby). I am a child of God and learning more about him daily. When I feel crummy it is usually because I have not given something completely up to him. Third, there is a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now. My hubby is depressed because he doesn't have a job, my mother-in-law is in the nursing home now because she can't take care of herself, my son is being a very picky eatter, my dog needs surgery, and people are grumpy at work. Grrr.... It is taking a toll on me.
I guess it is good that I can admit this stuff is bothering me. I have not always been able to do that. Usually I just stuff things deep inside. I don't let anyone know what is bothering me. I am trying to change that but it is tough. Tough but doable. I find that on blah days I really have to focus on the good that is going on around me. So here is a small list.
I have two legs to run and walk with
I have a job that provides for our family, most of the time
I have a new relationship beginning to blossom with my mom
I know where I am going when I die
I have lots of good friends that love us so much
I have a little boy that laughs and smiles daily, many times a day
I know what it means to love so much it hurts
I know I have a husband that is committed to me until the day I die
I know I am loved by God (seriously loved - he is crazy about me!)
I know sunny days will return
I love sunrises
I love reading good books
I love reading my Bible and learning more about the God I long to be more like
I love my family
I am so thankful for my physical health and that of my family
I love encouraging people
I love praying with people and for people
I love encouragement
I love overcoming challenges
I love to cry with people
I love to try new things
I love organizing events
I love snuggling with my dogs
I love snuggling with my hubby
I enjoy following the routines by FlyLady
I love scrapbooking with friends
I love putting things away (kind of crazy but I like putting things where they belong)
I love Starbucks Frappaccinos on a warm day
I love my dear friend that will read this
I love hot tea on cold days - warms me up on the inside
I love fellowshipping with others
I love eating dinner together with my family
I love worshipping with my family
I love the thought of going to heaven one day and singing at the top of my lungs with so many other believers
I love reading the gospels and the letters Paul wrote - they are so encouraging.
I love teaching Will how to talk (so cute and exciting)
I love taking care of my family
I love serving others
I love hot baths
I love candles that burn and give off a fresh fregrence
I love our Bible Study group
I love our first Bible Study group that set the standard for how a small group should function
I love cross stitching (would like to make a stocking for Will - already made one for Dave and Dave made one for me!)
I enjoy playing with legos
Kind of enjoyed this list!
Toodles for now.
I wish how people felt did not effect me but moods do. My husband's mood effects me. The people I work with effect me. Kind of gets me down.
So, what do I do? I went to counseling and we talked a little bit about this but the bottom line is that humans feed off of each other. When one person is down, everyone suffers a little bit. When one person is happy people feed off of that. My problem is that I think sometimes people are mad at me when I don't know what I have done wrong. I hate that!
So, time for some self talk. Getting back to the basics. First, I am a good person. I am loved by many and when I don't feel loved I need to go out and get a hug (usually from my hubby). I am a child of God and learning more about him daily. When I feel crummy it is usually because I have not given something completely up to him. Third, there is a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now. My hubby is depressed because he doesn't have a job, my mother-in-law is in the nursing home now because she can't take care of herself, my son is being a very picky eatter, my dog needs surgery, and people are grumpy at work. Grrr.... It is taking a toll on me.
I guess it is good that I can admit this stuff is bothering me. I have not always been able to do that. Usually I just stuff things deep inside. I don't let anyone know what is bothering me. I am trying to change that but it is tough. Tough but doable. I find that on blah days I really have to focus on the good that is going on around me. So here is a small list.
I have two legs to run and walk with
I have a job that provides for our family, most of the time
I have a new relationship beginning to blossom with my mom
I know where I am going when I die
I have lots of good friends that love us so much
I have a little boy that laughs and smiles daily, many times a day
I know what it means to love so much it hurts
I know I have a husband that is committed to me until the day I die
I know I am loved by God (seriously loved - he is crazy about me!)
I know sunny days will return
I love sunrises
I love reading good books
I love reading my Bible and learning more about the God I long to be more like
I love my family
I am so thankful for my physical health and that of my family
I love encouraging people
I love praying with people and for people
I love encouragement
I love overcoming challenges
I love to cry with people
I love to try new things
I love organizing events
I love snuggling with my dogs
I love snuggling with my hubby
I enjoy following the routines by FlyLady
I love scrapbooking with friends
I love putting things away (kind of crazy but I like putting things where they belong)
I love Starbucks Frappaccinos on a warm day
I love my dear friend that will read this
I love hot tea on cold days - warms me up on the inside
I love fellowshipping with others
I love eating dinner together with my family
I love worshipping with my family
I love the thought of going to heaven one day and singing at the top of my lungs with so many other believers
I love reading the gospels and the letters Paul wrote - they are so encouraging.
I love teaching Will how to talk (so cute and exciting)
I love taking care of my family
I love serving others
I love hot baths
I love candles that burn and give off a fresh fregrence
I love our Bible Study group
I love our first Bible Study group that set the standard for how a small group should function
I love cross stitching (would like to make a stocking for Will - already made one for Dave and Dave made one for me!)
I enjoy playing with legos
Kind of enjoyed this list!
Toodles for now.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Family...
Family. Blessings. Curses. Love. Pride. Anger. Resentment. Fueding. All in the name of concern and love. What a mess!
No wonder we have such family problems right now. Ironically, it is not my family causing the problems right now. Actually, my family has come a long way and will continue to progress (hopefully). This time, it is Dave's family. More specifically, his mom.
She requires lots of extra grace and extra love. Sometimes so much love that a person runs out of love to extend and then the anger, resentment, pride, ect, follow. That is where my husband finds himself right now. He loves his mom dearly. He promised his dad he would take care of his mom but there are some serious problems with the relationship. His mom doesn't trust him to make choices for her even though she originally made him power of attorney over healthcare. Today it was suggested that she have a consultation with a doctor and she did not like that. So, she changed the power of attorney without telling Dave. He found out from the nurse at the hospital. Nice. How is that for a kick in the stomach.
That is leaving him upset and very understandably so. I am upset too. My husband is incredibly trustworthy. He would risk his life for that of someone else. I honestly believe he only had his mom's interest in mind and up until today, I think he wanted to have a relationship with her. Now, I am not so sure.
The relationship is damaged, almost severed but not quite. I almost equate the feelings to those I had when we had to make the decision to step away from a relationship with my mom for awhile. The time was good for both of us. When we stepped away we took that step knowing we might never see her alive again. I took some time to grieve the decision we were making because it was very painful. My husband was strong during that. He saw my hurts and walked with me through that time. My mom has changed to the best that I can tell. Our conversations over email and occassionally on the phone show promise but guarentee nothing. The relationship is building very, very slowly. Will is almost 1.5 years old and she hasn't met him in person yet. Not sure when that will take place but hopefully, one day it will. We took time apart from each other and we have both grown through that experience.
Again, the tables are turned. I am watching my husband experience a tough thing, the rejection of his mom. As a child we work towards independence but we always want our parents approval. Even the most independent person has a little person inside that wants to be appreciated and approved. Dave's mom rejected him today.
Is Dave completely off the hook? No, definitely not. He can be very impatient with his mom. He can become emotionally charged very quickly. There is a lack of respect that goes both ways. They both want the same thing but they are not able to communicate that to the other. Dave wants to be respected and loved for his ideas. He continues to try to prove himself not only to himself but to others. His mom wants to be taken care of but I think she equates being taken care of with love. It is almost as if she feels most loved when she is being waited on hand and foot. Dave appears to feel most loved when he can go out and conquer something. So, there is a conflict. There is Dave who wants to fix his mom and his mom who just wants to be left alone unless you are going to show her "love."
Maybe the problem lies within each one of them (oh wait, now I am trying to fix both of them!). Actually, I don't know that I am that far off. I think I can only analyize this based off of the lessons I have learned most recently. I cannot expect love from others until I learn to love myself. If I find myself angry and resentful or trying to change someone I have learned that I need to stop, look at myself and evaluate if the feelings I feel are related to anything I need to change in myself first. Nine times out of ten, the conflict is something internal with me. I cannot change the people around me and they cannot make me feel a certain way. I choose to react to the way people treat me or events that happen in my life and there might be a series of emotions (like with my mom) but in the end, I am only responsible for me. That is a huge load off my shoulders. That freedom allows me to make choices that are less emotionally charged. I can allow my husband to have a bad day knowing that I too will have a bad day every once in awhile. I want him to extend grace to me during those days. Shouldn't I extend the same grace?
So, full circle. What would God do in this situation and since we are not God, what do we do? First, pray about it. I know Dave has been. Second, I need to support my husband. I am finding that it is actually not a difficult thing because I completely understand where he is at right now. Third, I think we need some time to recover. That doesn't mean we don't think about it but we just have some space. There is too much tension right now. Jesus would take some time to pray about it. He would resolve the conflict but he would love sometimes with tough love. He was not afraid to tell the truth even with the truth wasn't popular. Dave's mom needs some counseling. It is driving her relationships into the ground. Dave needs wisdom too. He made a promise to his Dad to take care of his mom. I know he takes that very seriously.
And so, maybe this is a time of restoration. Maybe it is a timing of growth and healing. Maybe it is a time for hope. Maybe....
No wonder we have such family problems right now. Ironically, it is not my family causing the problems right now. Actually, my family has come a long way and will continue to progress (hopefully). This time, it is Dave's family. More specifically, his mom.
She requires lots of extra grace and extra love. Sometimes so much love that a person runs out of love to extend and then the anger, resentment, pride, ect, follow. That is where my husband finds himself right now. He loves his mom dearly. He promised his dad he would take care of his mom but there are some serious problems with the relationship. His mom doesn't trust him to make choices for her even though she originally made him power of attorney over healthcare. Today it was suggested that she have a consultation with a doctor and she did not like that. So, she changed the power of attorney without telling Dave. He found out from the nurse at the hospital. Nice. How is that for a kick in the stomach.
That is leaving him upset and very understandably so. I am upset too. My husband is incredibly trustworthy. He would risk his life for that of someone else. I honestly believe he only had his mom's interest in mind and up until today, I think he wanted to have a relationship with her. Now, I am not so sure.
The relationship is damaged, almost severed but not quite. I almost equate the feelings to those I had when we had to make the decision to step away from a relationship with my mom for awhile. The time was good for both of us. When we stepped away we took that step knowing we might never see her alive again. I took some time to grieve the decision we were making because it was very painful. My husband was strong during that. He saw my hurts and walked with me through that time. My mom has changed to the best that I can tell. Our conversations over email and occassionally on the phone show promise but guarentee nothing. The relationship is building very, very slowly. Will is almost 1.5 years old and she hasn't met him in person yet. Not sure when that will take place but hopefully, one day it will. We took time apart from each other and we have both grown through that experience.
Again, the tables are turned. I am watching my husband experience a tough thing, the rejection of his mom. As a child we work towards independence but we always want our parents approval. Even the most independent person has a little person inside that wants to be appreciated and approved. Dave's mom rejected him today.
Is Dave completely off the hook? No, definitely not. He can be very impatient with his mom. He can become emotionally charged very quickly. There is a lack of respect that goes both ways. They both want the same thing but they are not able to communicate that to the other. Dave wants to be respected and loved for his ideas. He continues to try to prove himself not only to himself but to others. His mom wants to be taken care of but I think she equates being taken care of with love. It is almost as if she feels most loved when she is being waited on hand and foot. Dave appears to feel most loved when he can go out and conquer something. So, there is a conflict. There is Dave who wants to fix his mom and his mom who just wants to be left alone unless you are going to show her "love."
Maybe the problem lies within each one of them (oh wait, now I am trying to fix both of them!). Actually, I don't know that I am that far off. I think I can only analyize this based off of the lessons I have learned most recently. I cannot expect love from others until I learn to love myself. If I find myself angry and resentful or trying to change someone I have learned that I need to stop, look at myself and evaluate if the feelings I feel are related to anything I need to change in myself first. Nine times out of ten, the conflict is something internal with me. I cannot change the people around me and they cannot make me feel a certain way. I choose to react to the way people treat me or events that happen in my life and there might be a series of emotions (like with my mom) but in the end, I am only responsible for me. That is a huge load off my shoulders. That freedom allows me to make choices that are less emotionally charged. I can allow my husband to have a bad day knowing that I too will have a bad day every once in awhile. I want him to extend grace to me during those days. Shouldn't I extend the same grace?
So, full circle. What would God do in this situation and since we are not God, what do we do? First, pray about it. I know Dave has been. Second, I need to support my husband. I am finding that it is actually not a difficult thing because I completely understand where he is at right now. Third, I think we need some time to recover. That doesn't mean we don't think about it but we just have some space. There is too much tension right now. Jesus would take some time to pray about it. He would resolve the conflict but he would love sometimes with tough love. He was not afraid to tell the truth even with the truth wasn't popular. Dave's mom needs some counseling. It is driving her relationships into the ground. Dave needs wisdom too. He made a promise to his Dad to take care of his mom. I know he takes that very seriously.
And so, maybe this is a time of restoration. Maybe it is a timing of growth and healing. Maybe it is a time for hope. Maybe....
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Lessons I am Learning
First of all, I give all the glory to God for the lessons I am learning. They are very hard lessons but they are valuable and life changing.
Last night, again, I did not sleep very well. My husband was so gentle and kind. He slept on the couch so I could have the opportunity to sleep well. When I got up and told him I had not slept very well and that I was frustrated he was very wise. He said, "Don't be frustrated because that is just another word for anxiety." I had never thought about that before but it makes sense. I am frustrated because of something I cannot change. When I get frustrated I get angry at myself instead of loving myself. There is a little voice that comments louder in louder in me, "Em'ly, just love yourself just the way you are. You are okay." What a blessing! I am okay. I might struggle with anxiety but it is not because of something I haven't done or have done. It is because life is tough and on this side of heaven, we will have struggles. Masking that or trying to push it aside as to act like it doesn't exist is a lie - a lie to myself and I can't love myself if I am lying to myself.
Lesson #2 - Sugar is not my friend. A few months ago I felt very passionately that I needed to give up refined sugars. As I prayed for God to heal me time and time again the answer was give up refined sugars. This means sugars in sweets, mostly. Well, I have had several opportunities to try this theory. When I eat sugary foods (mostly on the weekend) it is followed by a few nights of insomnia. So, this weekend, no sugars. Ironically, it hasn't been that hard to avoid them. it has been more of a thing of them being available so I eat them. It isn't like I am on a diet or anything but more an act of obedience. That is kind of a bummer because I really like sweets but in the end, I am learning a valuable lesson and possibly the root cause of my anxiety. I can give up sugars for that!
Lesson #3 - Feelings are okay to have. I grew up in a family where there were few feelings, at least that were encouraged. Success was key. Competition was key. If you wanted attention you had to fight for it. As a result, I stood back. I didn't need the attention, so I thought. I was wrong. I did need the attention. I needed to be a kid and I lost that opportunity. It wasn't necessarily me but rather the circumstances. I felt like I had to be happy most of the time or something was wrong. Turns out, we have many more emotions than just happiness, joy, and excitement. We have built in emotions that tell us when something is wrong. Anxiety is one of those emotions for me. For the longest time I thought it was a psychological problem. However, the more I learn about anxiety and the root cause of it, an imbalance in chemicals, I am more convinced sugars might play a roll in all of this. The anxiety could very well have been a symptom of an imbalance in my chemistry. Medicine is the easy solution and one that I will partake of for now but I am committed to resolving anxiety for the long term. Another reason why I think it is a chemical imbalance is because when I was pregnant I had very few problems with anxiety. It was like it did not exist. It was a blessing and gave me further ammunition to find the root of the problem.
So, what is next? No more sweets. Meds for now and faith that God is in control of this situation, 100%. He loves me and not only promises not to give me more than I can handle but promises to walk through this season with me. I cannot imagine not knowing God as my personal Savior.
Last night, again, I did not sleep very well. My husband was so gentle and kind. He slept on the couch so I could have the opportunity to sleep well. When I got up and told him I had not slept very well and that I was frustrated he was very wise. He said, "Don't be frustrated because that is just another word for anxiety." I had never thought about that before but it makes sense. I am frustrated because of something I cannot change. When I get frustrated I get angry at myself instead of loving myself. There is a little voice that comments louder in louder in me, "Em'ly, just love yourself just the way you are. You are okay." What a blessing! I am okay. I might struggle with anxiety but it is not because of something I haven't done or have done. It is because life is tough and on this side of heaven, we will have struggles. Masking that or trying to push it aside as to act like it doesn't exist is a lie - a lie to myself and I can't love myself if I am lying to myself.
Lesson #2 - Sugar is not my friend. A few months ago I felt very passionately that I needed to give up refined sugars. As I prayed for God to heal me time and time again the answer was give up refined sugars. This means sugars in sweets, mostly. Well, I have had several opportunities to try this theory. When I eat sugary foods (mostly on the weekend) it is followed by a few nights of insomnia. So, this weekend, no sugars. Ironically, it hasn't been that hard to avoid them. it has been more of a thing of them being available so I eat them. It isn't like I am on a diet or anything but more an act of obedience. That is kind of a bummer because I really like sweets but in the end, I am learning a valuable lesson and possibly the root cause of my anxiety. I can give up sugars for that!
Lesson #3 - Feelings are okay to have. I grew up in a family where there were few feelings, at least that were encouraged. Success was key. Competition was key. If you wanted attention you had to fight for it. As a result, I stood back. I didn't need the attention, so I thought. I was wrong. I did need the attention. I needed to be a kid and I lost that opportunity. It wasn't necessarily me but rather the circumstances. I felt like I had to be happy most of the time or something was wrong. Turns out, we have many more emotions than just happiness, joy, and excitement. We have built in emotions that tell us when something is wrong. Anxiety is one of those emotions for me. For the longest time I thought it was a psychological problem. However, the more I learn about anxiety and the root cause of it, an imbalance in chemicals, I am more convinced sugars might play a roll in all of this. The anxiety could very well have been a symptom of an imbalance in my chemistry. Medicine is the easy solution and one that I will partake of for now but I am committed to resolving anxiety for the long term. Another reason why I think it is a chemical imbalance is because when I was pregnant I had very few problems with anxiety. It was like it did not exist. It was a blessing and gave me further ammunition to find the root of the problem.
So, what is next? No more sweets. Meds for now and faith that God is in control of this situation, 100%. He loves me and not only promises not to give me more than I can handle but promises to walk through this season with me. I cannot imagine not knowing God as my personal Savior.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Case of Insomnia
Ever have those nights where you just toss and turn. Everything in the world is fine but your mind just won't settle down. I hate those nights. Grrrr.... It is an internal battle. My body says rest but my mind says hey, did you think about this. Honestly, I think it is a spiritual attack. I hate to give Satan credit but I think that is what it boils down to.
I have to say, these bouts of insomnia are much less frequent than they use to be which is amazing and a testimony to God of his healing power. And,when I suffer with a night of it it gives me time to reflect a little bit.
I struggle with my schedule. I like to knwow hat I am doing on a daily basis. I like order. Right now at work, there is none of that. Every day is a day where I am looking for something to do. So, I am filling my time with some home stuff but what about when that is finished. Then what? And the cycle continues. The struggle with contentness. Why do we have such a hard time just being content where we are at? As a friend shared with me yesterday, this side of heaven, we are going to struggle. It is the nature of the fall of man. Does that mean I don't get to be happy? Does that mean I give up the hope of contentness?
And then, enter Christ. I find myself clinging to Him during these times of discontentment. I find myself wrestling with Him and asking why? Why do I struggle to be content? Sometimes it isn;t a struggle at all and other times it is huge! And the worse part, I look at my life and really have nothing to be all that concerned about. Sure, I would rather be home than at work but I see God working through me at work. Sure, I would rather my husband not have struggles with motivation and depression but the reality is, he does. What do I do with that?
Well, once again, I find myself at the cross. I find myself on my knees asking for strength to make it through another day. I ask for my eyes to be open to the blessings in my life and that I will embrace those blessings. I have a sweet family that loves to encourage. I love to encourage others. It is part of who I am. I was made to love people. I am a little girl loved by the most Heavenly Father. He has choosen me as His own and he is proud of me. He loves my determination to overcome anxiety. He loves my heart. He created it. He loves that I crawl up in His lap and rest in his arms until I have the strength to continue on. He loves that I all out to Him, "Lord, help me. Give me direction. Fill my heart with joy."
As I learn more about God I find myself at a cross roads. Do I walk the walk with Him or do I do it on my own. Honestly, that is a struggle. On the outside my initial response is of course, I want to walk the walk with Him. The honest answer is that it is hard road. It is hard to do the right thing sometimes. But, it is always the right thing to do.
Honesty. As I grow in my relationship with God and as a person I have discovered something very important about myself. I really try to hide my emotions. I really try to search for everything to always be okay. But, the truth is I have emotions. I have the good with the bad. It is when I grow. I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time but they are tears that say, "hey, something isn't quite right, and that is okay." I have cried over my husband and his struggles. I have cried over the fact that my little boy is growing up. I have cried over spilt maccronni (honesty, I did). What I have found out is that those tears are refreshing. They let out a little piece of me that has been stuffed for so long. It is okay to feel emotions - all of them. As I continue to tell myself my old way of thinking that only good emotions were acceptable falls by the wayside. I have compassion for people like I never had before. I find myself interested in what is going on in the life of people more now than before. I find I do pray for people when I say I will because I know what it is like to struggle. And, I find that I like myself because of that. As God whispered in my ear the other day, "Em'ly, you are okay."
So, time to start the day. Time to read my Bible and cling to the words in it. Time to pray for my friends and praise God for them. Time to love on my family. Time to be the me God created me to be, emotions and all...
I have to say, these bouts of insomnia are much less frequent than they use to be which is amazing and a testimony to God of his healing power. And,when I suffer with a night of it it gives me time to reflect a little bit.
I struggle with my schedule. I like to knwow hat I am doing on a daily basis. I like order. Right now at work, there is none of that. Every day is a day where I am looking for something to do. So, I am filling my time with some home stuff but what about when that is finished. Then what? And the cycle continues. The struggle with contentness. Why do we have such a hard time just being content where we are at? As a friend shared with me yesterday, this side of heaven, we are going to struggle. It is the nature of the fall of man. Does that mean I don't get to be happy? Does that mean I give up the hope of contentness?
And then, enter Christ. I find myself clinging to Him during these times of discontentment. I find myself wrestling with Him and asking why? Why do I struggle to be content? Sometimes it isn;t a struggle at all and other times it is huge! And the worse part, I look at my life and really have nothing to be all that concerned about. Sure, I would rather be home than at work but I see God working through me at work. Sure, I would rather my husband not have struggles with motivation and depression but the reality is, he does. What do I do with that?
Well, once again, I find myself at the cross. I find myself on my knees asking for strength to make it through another day. I ask for my eyes to be open to the blessings in my life and that I will embrace those blessings. I have a sweet family that loves to encourage. I love to encourage others. It is part of who I am. I was made to love people. I am a little girl loved by the most Heavenly Father. He has choosen me as His own and he is proud of me. He loves my determination to overcome anxiety. He loves my heart. He created it. He loves that I crawl up in His lap and rest in his arms until I have the strength to continue on. He loves that I all out to Him, "Lord, help me. Give me direction. Fill my heart with joy."
As I learn more about God I find myself at a cross roads. Do I walk the walk with Him or do I do it on my own. Honestly, that is a struggle. On the outside my initial response is of course, I want to walk the walk with Him. The honest answer is that it is hard road. It is hard to do the right thing sometimes. But, it is always the right thing to do.
Honesty. As I grow in my relationship with God and as a person I have discovered something very important about myself. I really try to hide my emotions. I really try to search for everything to always be okay. But, the truth is I have emotions. I have the good with the bad. It is when I grow. I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time but they are tears that say, "hey, something isn't quite right, and that is okay." I have cried over my husband and his struggles. I have cried over the fact that my little boy is growing up. I have cried over spilt maccronni (honesty, I did). What I have found out is that those tears are refreshing. They let out a little piece of me that has been stuffed for so long. It is okay to feel emotions - all of them. As I continue to tell myself my old way of thinking that only good emotions were acceptable falls by the wayside. I have compassion for people like I never had before. I find myself interested in what is going on in the life of people more now than before. I find I do pray for people when I say I will because I know what it is like to struggle. And, I find that I like myself because of that. As God whispered in my ear the other day, "Em'ly, you are okay."
So, time to start the day. Time to read my Bible and cling to the words in it. Time to pray for my friends and praise God for them. Time to love on my family. Time to be the me God created me to be, emotions and all...
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