Word of the Week - Respect

I have been pondering this word for awhile. Not sure why I have to think about it at 2:00 am but that was what was on my mind this morning.

I looked it up in the dictionary and to respect someone means "to hold in esteem or honor" or "to show regard or consideration for." As a noun it means "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability."

Dave told me the other day that he felt like deep inside, I did not respect him. I, of course, being the "perfect" little lady, was hurt that my husband felt this way. Instantly I wanted to throw into his face all the times and ways I have showed him respect. Thankfully, God stepped in an silenced my mouth. I said nothing.

The truth, as I looked deep inside my walled up self, I acknowledged that in some ways I do not respect him. As I prayed about this today, looking back, the way people gained respect was through their job. My dad taught me that. While I have always tried to detour from that idea, I think in the back of my mind it is there. Dave stays at home with Will and while that is an incredibly important job, society doesn't look at that very favorably.

God showed me an area of my life where I needed to ask forgiveness. I was judging my husband and setting expectations in my mind of who he needed to be for me. Pride was once again rearing its ugly head. Thankfully, God showed this to me very gently and affirmatively. He said, "my dear sweet little lady. You have been praying for wisdom, particularly in your marriage. Here is a little hint. Respect your husband for the man I have created him to be. Respect him for the challenges he is working through. Respect him because I respect him. I love that man so much. He is my son. Share in loving him with me."

You see, Dave is God's son before he is my husband. When we married he did not become my project. I was not his savior although I must admit, I think I married partly because I felt like he needed me. Again, pride rearing its ugly head in my life.

Thank you, Jesus, that you are revealing these little tidbits to me. Thank you for saving my marriage by showing me the lies I have believed for so long. My prayer is that my love for my husband will be authentic and sweet. I want to love Dave more now than I ever have before. I want to love him with Christ's love because Dave deserves that. Does he have his issues? Don't we all?

So, I step forward today.

Word of the Week - Insecurity

So, I am reading this book right now called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I feel like I get a counseling session every time I sit down to read it. This week we looked back at generational sin that is handed down from one generation to another. We had to do some work to identify some of those areas. I discovered several things.

First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.

Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.

So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.

So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.

So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.