A Gentle Reminder

Do you ever wake up angry? I do. I did this morning. I was angry about my husband and the struggles he is going through. I wanted to do something but what? So, I got on my knees and poured out my heart to God asking him to make me clean on the inside. Throughout the morning God has dropped little hints in my lap of how much he loves me. I was looking for a verse to put on Will's album and came across this one, "He tends to his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11.

I think God wrote this verse just for me, just for today. I am part of his flock and I was struggling this morning. He holds me close to His heart. I am wrapped up in his arms. No matter how much I kick and scream Jesus is still holding me. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to share everything with him, my struggles and praises. He wants me to be honest. I was honest this morning. It felt a little ackward. Why should I be angry at the man I love so much? Dave is a gift that has been given to me. Yet, I saw him this morning as selfish and lazy. The struggle is that it might appear he is selfish and lazy on the outside but on the inside I know he is struggling with himself. He struggles with selfishness. He struggles with perfection that can be misconstrued at laziness. He listens to the lies and it keeps him sick.

Enter God. The God of the universe promises to carry me close to his heart but this verse is also true for Dave. God will hold him close, love on him and pull him from the pit of dispair. There is an awesome verse in the Book Breaking Free by Beth Moore that talks about why Christ came. It is in Isaiah. It says, "He has anointed me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of dispair and the garmet of praise in stead of mourning. " Isaiah 61:1-3.

Also, I heard on the radio a song this morning about how God puts people together. We are put together because we are a strong combo. Otherwise, we would not be together. Pride and resentment damage that relationship but God builds it back up. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, grace and fingerprints on everyday. You are the ultimate encouragement.

Confrontation - Easier Over Time

So, I have an experience I wanted to share about. There was a lady at work I was having a conflict with but I wasn't sure what the conflict was over. I had im'ed her one day asking if we were okay and she said sure. I did not buy it but wanted to give it a little time (and honestly, did not want to confront the situation). I mulled over it all weekend and by today, I could not take it any longer. I had to find out what was going on. I even cried over it. So, I went for a short walk and prayed about it. As I listened quietly I knew what I had to do. I had to have a face to face confrontation.

Now, for people that know me they know I hate confrontation. I use to not do it. I would just stuff my feelings. I have begun to turn over a new leaf. I have to confront situations because they naw at me. It was to the point today that I did not even want to come to work. I cried over this for cryin' out loud. I was hurt because the cold shoulder was more than I could take and I did not know what I had done.

Turns out, the playful banter had caused some pain. We would joke with each other and sometimes it gets out of hand. It did. Thankfully, God, in his infinite wisdom gave me the courage to confront her and mend our relationship. We were friends. Thankfully, I think we are still friends. We have a better understanding of each other now. I have asked her to let me know when I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt her feelings and she is going to do the same with me. In some ways, we now have a deeper relationship. We have had a conflict and are rising above it. I feel like literally one thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Lord for the opportunity and the courage to confront the situation.

Another thing that has come out of this is that I am so thankful for the way my husband handles conflict, external anyway. He confronts the situation. I never have to wonder if I have said something that has hurt his feelings. He is quick to let me know. Sometimes this can be draining but I will take this any day over the cold shoulder. And I need to keep that in mind. I can be the giver of the cold shoulder at times. Man, that must make people feel really rotten. Yuck.

So, next time, and there will be a next time, hopefully I can confront the situation sooner instead of letting it last a week. The stress has been unbelievable this past week. Running from problems never solves anything. Confronting them solves everything.

Pressing on Towards the Goal

What is a goal? Do I have any goals? Yes, I do. As a matter of fact, I have several. Granted, some of them are long term and there is no way I can spead up the result but some are shorter term. Here are some of them (I am kind of into lists right now!)

Short term
I would like to have another baby
I would like to train for another marathon and qualify for the Boston Marathon
I would like to go hiking in the Grand Canyon
I would like to be a stay at home mom
I would like to finish the Birth Order book and Breaking Free (I have someone that is going to read Breaking Free with me - yea!)
I would like to make dinner for my hubby for tomorrow night when he gets home
I would like to get my laundry folded (been sitting in a pile for three days now - YIKES!)
I want to be able to encourage someone every day (already had the opportunity today!)
I want to lose another 20 pounds (16 down since Will)

Long Term Goals
I want to raise Will to be a God fearing young man who loves the Lord at a young age
I want to travel to Greece with my hubby
I want to get completely out of debt
I want to be comfortable in my own skin the majority of the time
I want to have a deeper love of Christ and trust Him all the time instead of just when it is convenient.
I want to write a devotional book and maybe do public speaking - more sharing my heart with others

What are your goals?

Blah Kind of a Day

Ever have those days where you just feel blah. People around you feel blah. The weather is blah. Blah....

I wish how people felt did not effect me but moods do. My husband's mood effects me. The people I work with effect me. Kind of gets me down.

So, what do I do? I went to counseling and we talked a little bit about this but the bottom line is that humans feed off of each other. When one person is down, everyone suffers a little bit. When one person is happy people feed off of that. My problem is that I think sometimes people are mad at me when I don't know what I have done wrong. I hate that!

So, time for some self talk. Getting back to the basics. First, I am a good person. I am loved by many and when I don't feel loved I need to go out and get a hug (usually from my hubby). I am a child of God and learning more about him daily. When I feel crummy it is usually because I have not given something completely up to him. Third, there is a lot of stressful things going on in my life right now. My hubby is depressed because he doesn't have a job, my mother-in-law is in the nursing home now because she can't take care of herself, my son is being a very picky eatter, my dog needs surgery, and people are grumpy at work. Grrr.... It is taking a toll on me.

I guess it is good that I can admit this stuff is bothering me. I have not always been able to do that. Usually I just stuff things deep inside. I don't let anyone know what is bothering me. I am trying to change that but it is tough. Tough but doable. I find that on blah days I really have to focus on the good that is going on around me. So here is a small list.

I have two legs to run and walk with
I have a job that provides for our family, most of the time
I have a new relationship beginning to blossom with my mom
I know where I am going when I die
I have lots of good friends that love us so much
I have a little boy that laughs and smiles daily, many times a day
I know what it means to love so much it hurts
I know I have a husband that is committed to me until the day I die
I know I am loved by God (seriously loved - he is crazy about me!)
I know sunny days will return
I love sunrises
I love reading good books
I love reading my Bible and learning more about the God I long to be more like
I love my family
I am so thankful for my physical health and that of my family
I love encouraging people
I love praying with people and for people
I love encouragement
I love overcoming challenges
I love to cry with people
I love to try new things
I love organizing events
I love snuggling with my dogs
I love snuggling with my hubby
I enjoy following the routines by FlyLady
I love scrapbooking with friends
I love putting things away (kind of crazy but I like putting things where they belong)
I love Starbucks Frappaccinos on a warm day
I love my dear friend that will read this
I love hot tea on cold days - warms me up on the inside
I love fellowshipping with others
I love eating dinner together with my family
I love worshipping with my family
I love the thought of going to heaven one day and singing at the top of my lungs with so many other believers
I love reading the gospels and the letters Paul wrote - they are so encouraging.
I love teaching Will how to talk (so cute and exciting)
I love taking care of my family
I love serving others
I love hot baths
I love candles that burn and give off a fresh fregrence
I love our Bible Study group
I love our first Bible Study group that set the standard for how a small group should function
I love cross stitching (would like to make a stocking for Will - already made one for Dave and Dave made one for me!)
I enjoy playing with legos

Kind of enjoyed this list!

Toodles for now.

Family...

Family. Blessings. Curses. Love. Pride. Anger. Resentment. Fueding. All in the name of concern and love. What a mess!



No wonder we have such family problems right now. Ironically, it is not my family causing the problems right now. Actually, my family has come a long way and will continue to progress (hopefully). This time, it is Dave's family. More specifically, his mom.



She requires lots of extra grace and extra love. Sometimes so much love that a person runs out of love to extend and then the anger, resentment, pride, ect, follow. That is where my husband finds himself right now. He loves his mom dearly. He promised his dad he would take care of his mom but there are some serious problems with the relationship. His mom doesn't trust him to make choices for her even though she originally made him power of attorney over healthcare. Today it was suggested that she have a consultation with a doctor and she did not like that. So, she changed the power of attorney without telling Dave. He found out from the nurse at the hospital. Nice. How is that for a kick in the stomach.



That is leaving him upset and very understandably so. I am upset too. My husband is incredibly trustworthy. He would risk his life for that of someone else. I honestly believe he only had his mom's interest in mind and up until today, I think he wanted to have a relationship with her. Now, I am not so sure.

The relationship is damaged, almost severed but not quite. I almost equate the feelings to those I had when we had to make the decision to step away from a relationship with my mom for awhile. The time was good for both of us. When we stepped away we took that step knowing we might never see her alive again. I took some time to grieve the decision we were making because it was very painful. My husband was strong during that. He saw my hurts and walked with me through that time. My mom has changed to the best that I can tell. Our conversations over email and occassionally on the phone show promise but guarentee nothing. The relationship is building very, very slowly. Will is almost 1.5 years old and she hasn't met him in person yet. Not sure when that will take place but hopefully, one day it will. We took time apart from each other and we have both grown through that experience.

Again, the tables are turned. I am watching my husband experience a tough thing, the rejection of his mom. As a child we work towards independence but we always want our parents approval. Even the most independent person has a little person inside that wants to be appreciated and approved. Dave's mom rejected him today.

Is Dave completely off the hook? No, definitely not. He can be very impatient with his mom. He can become emotionally charged very quickly. There is a lack of respect that goes both ways. They both want the same thing but they are not able to communicate that to the other. Dave wants to be respected and loved for his ideas. He continues to try to prove himself not only to himself but to others. His mom wants to be taken care of but I think she equates being taken care of with love. It is almost as if she feels most loved when she is being waited on hand and foot. Dave appears to feel most loved when he can go out and conquer something. So, there is a conflict. There is Dave who wants to fix his mom and his mom who just wants to be left alone unless you are going to show her "love."

Maybe the problem lies within each one of them (oh wait, now I am trying to fix both of them!). Actually, I don't know that I am that far off. I think I can only analyize this based off of the lessons I have learned most recently. I cannot expect love from others until I learn to love myself. If I find myself angry and resentful or trying to change someone I have learned that I need to stop, look at myself and evaluate if the feelings I feel are related to anything I need to change in myself first. Nine times out of ten, the conflict is something internal with me. I cannot change the people around me and they cannot make me feel a certain way. I choose to react to the way people treat me or events that happen in my life and there might be a series of emotions (like with my mom) but in the end, I am only responsible for me. That is a huge load off my shoulders. That freedom allows me to make choices that are less emotionally charged. I can allow my husband to have a bad day knowing that I too will have a bad day every once in awhile. I want him to extend grace to me during those days. Shouldn't I extend the same grace?

So, full circle. What would God do in this situation and since we are not God, what do we do? First, pray about it. I know Dave has been. Second, I need to support my husband. I am finding that it is actually not a difficult thing because I completely understand where he is at right now. Third, I think we need some time to recover. That doesn't mean we don't think about it but we just have some space. There is too much tension right now. Jesus would take some time to pray about it. He would resolve the conflict but he would love sometimes with tough love. He was not afraid to tell the truth even with the truth wasn't popular. Dave's mom needs some counseling. It is driving her relationships into the ground. Dave needs wisdom too. He made a promise to his Dad to take care of his mom. I know he takes that very seriously.

And so, maybe this is a time of restoration. Maybe it is a timing of growth and healing. Maybe it is a time for hope. Maybe....