Family...

Family. Blessings. Curses. Love. Pride. Anger. Resentment. Fueding. All in the name of concern and love. What a mess!



No wonder we have such family problems right now. Ironically, it is not my family causing the problems right now. Actually, my family has come a long way and will continue to progress (hopefully). This time, it is Dave's family. More specifically, his mom.



She requires lots of extra grace and extra love. Sometimes so much love that a person runs out of love to extend and then the anger, resentment, pride, ect, follow. That is where my husband finds himself right now. He loves his mom dearly. He promised his dad he would take care of his mom but there are some serious problems with the relationship. His mom doesn't trust him to make choices for her even though she originally made him power of attorney over healthcare. Today it was suggested that she have a consultation with a doctor and she did not like that. So, she changed the power of attorney without telling Dave. He found out from the nurse at the hospital. Nice. How is that for a kick in the stomach.



That is leaving him upset and very understandably so. I am upset too. My husband is incredibly trustworthy. He would risk his life for that of someone else. I honestly believe he only had his mom's interest in mind and up until today, I think he wanted to have a relationship with her. Now, I am not so sure.

The relationship is damaged, almost severed but not quite. I almost equate the feelings to those I had when we had to make the decision to step away from a relationship with my mom for awhile. The time was good for both of us. When we stepped away we took that step knowing we might never see her alive again. I took some time to grieve the decision we were making because it was very painful. My husband was strong during that. He saw my hurts and walked with me through that time. My mom has changed to the best that I can tell. Our conversations over email and occassionally on the phone show promise but guarentee nothing. The relationship is building very, very slowly. Will is almost 1.5 years old and she hasn't met him in person yet. Not sure when that will take place but hopefully, one day it will. We took time apart from each other and we have both grown through that experience.

Again, the tables are turned. I am watching my husband experience a tough thing, the rejection of his mom. As a child we work towards independence but we always want our parents approval. Even the most independent person has a little person inside that wants to be appreciated and approved. Dave's mom rejected him today.

Is Dave completely off the hook? No, definitely not. He can be very impatient with his mom. He can become emotionally charged very quickly. There is a lack of respect that goes both ways. They both want the same thing but they are not able to communicate that to the other. Dave wants to be respected and loved for his ideas. He continues to try to prove himself not only to himself but to others. His mom wants to be taken care of but I think she equates being taken care of with love. It is almost as if she feels most loved when she is being waited on hand and foot. Dave appears to feel most loved when he can go out and conquer something. So, there is a conflict. There is Dave who wants to fix his mom and his mom who just wants to be left alone unless you are going to show her "love."

Maybe the problem lies within each one of them (oh wait, now I am trying to fix both of them!). Actually, I don't know that I am that far off. I think I can only analyize this based off of the lessons I have learned most recently. I cannot expect love from others until I learn to love myself. If I find myself angry and resentful or trying to change someone I have learned that I need to stop, look at myself and evaluate if the feelings I feel are related to anything I need to change in myself first. Nine times out of ten, the conflict is something internal with me. I cannot change the people around me and they cannot make me feel a certain way. I choose to react to the way people treat me or events that happen in my life and there might be a series of emotions (like with my mom) but in the end, I am only responsible for me. That is a huge load off my shoulders. That freedom allows me to make choices that are less emotionally charged. I can allow my husband to have a bad day knowing that I too will have a bad day every once in awhile. I want him to extend grace to me during those days. Shouldn't I extend the same grace?

So, full circle. What would God do in this situation and since we are not God, what do we do? First, pray about it. I know Dave has been. Second, I need to support my husband. I am finding that it is actually not a difficult thing because I completely understand where he is at right now. Third, I think we need some time to recover. That doesn't mean we don't think about it but we just have some space. There is too much tension right now. Jesus would take some time to pray about it. He would resolve the conflict but he would love sometimes with tough love. He was not afraid to tell the truth even with the truth wasn't popular. Dave's mom needs some counseling. It is driving her relationships into the ground. Dave needs wisdom too. He made a promise to his Dad to take care of his mom. I know he takes that very seriously.

And so, maybe this is a time of restoration. Maybe it is a timing of growth and healing. Maybe it is a time for hope. Maybe....