Lessons I am Learning

First of all, I give all the glory to God for the lessons I am learning. They are very hard lessons but they are valuable and life changing.

Last night, again, I did not sleep very well. My husband was so gentle and kind. He slept on the couch so I could have the opportunity to sleep well. When I got up and told him I had not slept very well and that I was frustrated he was very wise. He said, "Don't be frustrated because that is just another word for anxiety." I had never thought about that before but it makes sense. I am frustrated because of something I cannot change. When I get frustrated I get angry at myself instead of loving myself. There is a little voice that comments louder in louder in me, "Em'ly, just love yourself just the way you are. You are okay." What a blessing! I am okay. I might struggle with anxiety but it is not because of something I haven't done or have done. It is because life is tough and on this side of heaven, we will have struggles. Masking that or trying to push it aside as to act like it doesn't exist is a lie - a lie to myself and I can't love myself if I am lying to myself.

Lesson #2 - Sugar is not my friend. A few months ago I felt very passionately that I needed to give up refined sugars. As I prayed for God to heal me time and time again the answer was give up refined sugars. This means sugars in sweets, mostly. Well, I have had several opportunities to try this theory. When I eat sugary foods (mostly on the weekend) it is followed by a few nights of insomnia. So, this weekend, no sugars. Ironically, it hasn't been that hard to avoid them. it has been more of a thing of them being available so I eat them. It isn't like I am on a diet or anything but more an act of obedience. That is kind of a bummer because I really like sweets but in the end, I am learning a valuable lesson and possibly the root cause of my anxiety. I can give up sugars for that!

Lesson #3 - Feelings are okay to have. I grew up in a family where there were few feelings, at least that were encouraged. Success was key. Competition was key. If you wanted attention you had to fight for it. As a result, I stood back. I didn't need the attention, so I thought. I was wrong. I did need the attention. I needed to be a kid and I lost that opportunity. It wasn't necessarily me but rather the circumstances. I felt like I had to be happy most of the time or something was wrong. Turns out, we have many more emotions than just happiness, joy, and excitement. We have built in emotions that tell us when something is wrong. Anxiety is one of those emotions for me. For the longest time I thought it was a psychological problem. However, the more I learn about anxiety and the root cause of it, an imbalance in chemicals, I am more convinced sugars might play a roll in all of this. The anxiety could very well have been a symptom of an imbalance in my chemistry. Medicine is the easy solution and one that I will partake of for now but I am committed to resolving anxiety for the long term. Another reason why I think it is a chemical imbalance is because when I was pregnant I had very few problems with anxiety. It was like it did not exist. It was a blessing and gave me further ammunition to find the root of the problem.

So, what is next? No more sweets. Meds for now and faith that God is in control of this situation, 100%. He loves me and not only promises not to give me more than I can handle but promises to walk through this season with me. I cannot imagine not knowing God as my personal Savior.

Case of Insomnia

Ever have those nights where you just toss and turn. Everything in the world is fine but your mind just won't settle down. I hate those nights. Grrrr.... It is an internal battle. My body says rest but my mind says hey, did you think about this. Honestly, I think it is a spiritual attack. I hate to give Satan credit but I think that is what it boils down to.

I have to say, these bouts of insomnia are much less frequent than they use to be which is amazing and a testimony to God of his healing power. And,when I suffer with a night of it it gives me time to reflect a little bit.

I struggle with my schedule. I like to knwow hat I am doing on a daily basis. I like order. Right now at work, there is none of that. Every day is a day where I am looking for something to do. So, I am filling my time with some home stuff but what about when that is finished. Then what? And the cycle continues. The struggle with contentness. Why do we have such a hard time just being content where we are at? As a friend shared with me yesterday, this side of heaven, we are going to struggle. It is the nature of the fall of man. Does that mean I don't get to be happy? Does that mean I give up the hope of contentness?

And then, enter Christ. I find myself clinging to Him during these times of discontentment. I find myself wrestling with Him and asking why? Why do I struggle to be content? Sometimes it isn;t a struggle at all and other times it is huge! And the worse part, I look at my life and really have nothing to be all that concerned about. Sure, I would rather be home than at work but I see God working through me at work. Sure, I would rather my husband not have struggles with motivation and depression but the reality is, he does. What do I do with that?

Well, once again, I find myself at the cross. I find myself on my knees asking for strength to make it through another day. I ask for my eyes to be open to the blessings in my life and that I will embrace those blessings. I have a sweet family that loves to encourage. I love to encourage others. It is part of who I am. I was made to love people. I am a little girl loved by the most Heavenly Father. He has choosen me as His own and he is proud of me. He loves my determination to overcome anxiety. He loves my heart. He created it. He loves that I crawl up in His lap and rest in his arms until I have the strength to continue on. He loves that I all out to Him, "Lord, help me. Give me direction. Fill my heart with joy."

As I learn more about God I find myself at a cross roads. Do I walk the walk with Him or do I do it on my own. Honestly, that is a struggle. On the outside my initial response is of course, I want to walk the walk with Him. The honest answer is that it is hard road. It is hard to do the right thing sometimes. But, it is always the right thing to do.

Honesty. As I grow in my relationship with God and as a person I have discovered something very important about myself. I really try to hide my emotions. I really try to search for everything to always be okay. But, the truth is I have emotions. I have the good with the bad. It is when I grow. I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time but they are tears that say, "hey, something isn't quite right, and that is okay." I have cried over my husband and his struggles. I have cried over the fact that my little boy is growing up. I have cried over spilt maccronni (honesty, I did). What I have found out is that those tears are refreshing. They let out a little piece of me that has been stuffed for so long. It is okay to feel emotions - all of them. As I continue to tell myself my old way of thinking that only good emotions were acceptable falls by the wayside. I have compassion for people like I never had before. I find myself interested in what is going on in the life of people more now than before. I find I do pray for people when I say I will because I know what it is like to struggle. And, I find that I like myself because of that. As God whispered in my ear the other day, "Em'ly, you are okay."

So, time to start the day. Time to read my Bible and cling to the words in it. Time to pray for my friends and praise God for them. Time to love on my family. Time to be the me God created me to be, emotions and all...