Lessons I am Learning

First of all, I give all the glory to God for the lessons I am learning. They are very hard lessons but they are valuable and life changing.

Last night, again, I did not sleep very well. My husband was so gentle and kind. He slept on the couch so I could have the opportunity to sleep well. When I got up and told him I had not slept very well and that I was frustrated he was very wise. He said, "Don't be frustrated because that is just another word for anxiety." I had never thought about that before but it makes sense. I am frustrated because of something I cannot change. When I get frustrated I get angry at myself instead of loving myself. There is a little voice that comments louder in louder in me, "Em'ly, just love yourself just the way you are. You are okay." What a blessing! I am okay. I might struggle with anxiety but it is not because of something I haven't done or have done. It is because life is tough and on this side of heaven, we will have struggles. Masking that or trying to push it aside as to act like it doesn't exist is a lie - a lie to myself and I can't love myself if I am lying to myself.

Lesson #2 - Sugar is not my friend. A few months ago I felt very passionately that I needed to give up refined sugars. As I prayed for God to heal me time and time again the answer was give up refined sugars. This means sugars in sweets, mostly. Well, I have had several opportunities to try this theory. When I eat sugary foods (mostly on the weekend) it is followed by a few nights of insomnia. So, this weekend, no sugars. Ironically, it hasn't been that hard to avoid them. it has been more of a thing of them being available so I eat them. It isn't like I am on a diet or anything but more an act of obedience. That is kind of a bummer because I really like sweets but in the end, I am learning a valuable lesson and possibly the root cause of my anxiety. I can give up sugars for that!

Lesson #3 - Feelings are okay to have. I grew up in a family where there were few feelings, at least that were encouraged. Success was key. Competition was key. If you wanted attention you had to fight for it. As a result, I stood back. I didn't need the attention, so I thought. I was wrong. I did need the attention. I needed to be a kid and I lost that opportunity. It wasn't necessarily me but rather the circumstances. I felt like I had to be happy most of the time or something was wrong. Turns out, we have many more emotions than just happiness, joy, and excitement. We have built in emotions that tell us when something is wrong. Anxiety is one of those emotions for me. For the longest time I thought it was a psychological problem. However, the more I learn about anxiety and the root cause of it, an imbalance in chemicals, I am more convinced sugars might play a roll in all of this. The anxiety could very well have been a symptom of an imbalance in my chemistry. Medicine is the easy solution and one that I will partake of for now but I am committed to resolving anxiety for the long term. Another reason why I think it is a chemical imbalance is because when I was pregnant I had very few problems with anxiety. It was like it did not exist. It was a blessing and gave me further ammunition to find the root of the problem.

So, what is next? No more sweets. Meds for now and faith that God is in control of this situation, 100%. He loves me and not only promises not to give me more than I can handle but promises to walk through this season with me. I cannot imagine not knowing God as my personal Savior.