Word of the Week - Insecurity

So, I am reading this book right now called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I feel like I get a counseling session every time I sit down to read it. This week we looked back at generational sin that is handed down from one generation to another. We had to do some work to identify some of those areas. I discovered several things.

First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.

Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.

So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.

So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.

So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.