Interesting how God works. For some time now I have been struggling. It has been a learning struggle. It has been a struggle where I have learned about dependence on God. It has been a time of growing a relationship. It has been a season of dying to myself and allowing my heart to be open to what God has to say. Very slowly and gently he has shown me areas of sin in my life. Very slowly and gently he has asked me to give up some of the old lies I held on to so tightly.
He has opened my eyes to perfection. The first step was acknowledging that sometimes I did not start things, often times I did not, because I could not do them exactly the way I wanted them done, what I deemed perfect. Through a book called "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman I learned perfection keeps us in a place of discouragement. We don't start things because we won't finish them the way we think we should. Instead, we need to strive for excellence. This is a place where we extend grace to ourself.
Enter a lesson about Grace. Grace is something I don't give myself very often. I hold myself to very high expectations. When I don't meet those expectations I feel like I have failed. There in lies the lie. When I don't reach the desirable end result that is okay. Wow. That does not mean I don't give it my best shot. It just means I give myself a little grace. I am not a perfect woman. In fact, I am a broken woman. I have lots of holes. I don't have it all together but I am learning.
Next lesson is about acceptance. Finally, I am accepting myself and my imperfections. I am starting to accept the fact that I have issues with my brain chemicals. I need meds to function fully. I can get by without them but I don't get to enjoy the gifts that God has given me as much because it takes so much energy to overcome the side effects of low seratonin levels. The good news. I can do it. Even better news, I can do it with meds. I have to smile as I say that because it sounds funny. It is funny. It is funny that I have been so obstinent not to take the meds that would help me. It hit me this morning what the problem was, pride.
Possibly the biggest area of growth in me has taken place as God has opened my eyes to the pride in my life. I had a lot. When you are trying to be perfect you are trying so that you can receive the glory for being a good person. You do things at work to receive praise. You do things at home to receive praise. You do things for God so you can get the glory. YIKES! I have heard the cliche for a long time that you should do all things to bring glory to God. however, when I stopped and really looked at my life I realized I was doing exactly the opposite. Everything I was doing was to bring glory to me. I was living off of the alcolades of others. As a result of being off my meds for almost 2 months I have a new dependence on God. It is a true dependence. I have cried more. I have prayed more. I have read more. I have longed to know the truth more and more. I have also learned to listen more. God has so much to say and it is so quietly. Never does he speak harshly to me. HE knows I need a gentle answer and so that is what he gives me. He encourages me whenever no one else is around. He shows me where to find answers to my tough questions. All that he asks is that I listen and follow through. That is easy when you have the Savior of the world as your best friend. Life is bearable. Shoot, sometimes it is every pretty.
So, the latest area in my life where God has revealed my prideful spirit is in the area of my meds and anxiety/depression. I was not taking meds because I wanted to overcome this problem. I was doing it at the expense of my family. God has given me the responsibility to be a wife and a mom. When you are ultra sensitive it is hard to be a wife. When you are weepy it is hard to be a mom. It is also hard to move on in life when you are so exhausted from fighting negative thoughts. For a very long time I have seen meds as a crutch. If my faith was greater I would not need meds. If I exercised more I would not need meds. If I ate better foods I would not need meds. While these things all help the truth is I do need meds. God has so much planned for my life. I don't need to be stuck when I know what will help. It is like withholding chemo from a patient with cancer waiting for God to heal them. Yes, it is very possibly that God would miraculously heal them but honestly, if the meds work it is a miracle too. We sometimes only think of God as a God that rescues us without any intervention. That would be a true miracle we might think. If that isn't putting God in a little box I am not sure what is! God is in control of ALL things. That means he is in charge of meds even coming on the market to bring relief to people. I truly believe God does not want us to suffer. However, because sin entered into the world there will be seasons of suffering. It is up to us what we do with that suffering. Do we continue to depend on Christ and his promise that he loves us and will walk with us through every endeavor or do we try and do it ourself? I have tried both. I really like walking with God.
So, today I feel like I am experiencing clarity. It is a freedom. It is hard to explain but the lie that I can't have a close relationship with God and feel good has been exposed. I can have both and it is only because God is showing me what freedom looks like. Pride. For me, that is where Satan attacks me most. I never would have known if God had not walked me through this season and if I hadn't taken the time for learning. That is not pride but truth.
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