Do you ever feel like something is wrong with you because of emotions? The emotion I am referring to at present is the emotion that produces tears, both good and bad. I once believed that tears were a bad thing and I sometimes still wonder. They signify something is wrong or that something has been wrong. They are an emotional release of energy. I have always equated tears with depression but I am starting to think that is not always the case. Sometimes tears reflect the heart of a person. When someone you love is struggling with something the tears are a sign that yes, I understand what you are going through. I know it is not fun and I wish I could change it for you but I can't. It says I am willing to walk beside you and hold your hand beause I don't know how to do anything differently. It says I will pray for you and my heart hurts for you.
That is kind of where I am at right now. If you have read this post for awhile you know it is about emotions and feelings that creep up on me. Sometimes I try to explain the feelings away. Sometimes I move past the feelings by writing and sometimes I own the feelings. Today, I am owning my feelings because they are ligit.
This month has been a tough, tough month. We had a miscarriage and then we took a trip to visit my family, the second trip in two weeks. Augh.... I love my family dearly but they wear me out. They wear my husband out even more. There is this drive to be better than the next person. The competition is almost unbearable at times. My husband is pushed aside in some ways because no one understands his struggles. No one understands the sacrifices he is making right now. No one seems to understand that finding a job is more than just settling for what comes about. Sure, he could settle for any old job but he and I both want him to have the right one.
Granted, he puts pressures on himself, tremendous pressures and I know I contribute to that sometimes. I have it in my head that if he had a job and I got to stay home life would be oh so perfect. However, the reality is that is not necessarily the case. Yes, I would enjoy being a wife, mom and friend and not going to work. However, there are struggles that come with the isolation of being at home. We would get into a routine and that would be good but I know there are struggles that would come.
Getting back to this weekend, my brothers just don't understand. They don't understand why my husband doesn't give me exactly what I want and isn't willing to move everything in order to give me that. They don't understand that we truly believe God is in control of this situation and that means sometimes doing things against the norm. They do not understand why I am not so dogmatic with my husband and demanding.
The truth, I love my husband very much. I HATE it when people try and put a wedge between us, even when that someone is me. I love the man God has made Dave to be and the pressures he feels probably serve two purposes. The first might be so that he doesn't become stagnant and the second is because he does have tremendous responsibilities. The Bible is very explicit about his role. That is a tremendous amount of pressure that many men never even consider.
So, where does that leave me with my emotions. Who knows. The sun is shining, my son is down for a nap and I think I am going to pull some weeds. The tears will come and the tears will go but one thing I know for sure, God is right beside me, holding my hands and willing to listen to me. That is where I find my peace. When life is out of control He is still in control.
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