Well, sometimes life just sucks. I was a very early pregnant, probably about 5 weeks and when we went to do a sonogram there was nothing. That was so discouraging. That was on Wednesday. We did more blood work yesterday but my numbers that should have doubled only went up by 4 instead of 29. Now I am crampy and spotting. This truly is a bummer.
So, I have been using some of the tools I have learned in the past few months to cope with this loss. I have another blood test on Monday but as I bleed more the hope is fading. So, I am coming to terms with it. Yesterday as I was sitting in the doctor's office my blood pressure was way up, in fact, I have never had a reading that high before 124/80. Usually it is 110/70. The nurse said it was because I was nervous and I was. My heart was practically beating out of my chest! I had to wait for the nurse practioner to come in to chat with me and as I lay there, I was able to use some breathing techniques I had learned to calm down. When she got into the room I felt like I could have a conversation with her without crying or being completely irrational. I also did some visualization while taking some deep breaths. My mind was wondering for awhile but everywhere it went caused my anxiety and sadness to increase except one place. When I found myself in Jesus' arms I found peace. I pictured myself walking up to Jesus and asking if we could snuggle for awhile because I was scared. He pulled me up on his lap and just held me in his arms. That is where I found my peace.
As I type this I have tears rolling down my face. My heart is very sensitive and in the past I would have thought there was something wrong with that. Now I know tears are okay. Tears are healing. Tears are a sign of an emotion that is causing pain. I describe the pain I feel in my heart as a battle field. I use to think the battle field was in my mind and sometimes it still is but their is also a battle in my heart. My heart is where true change happens. Sometimes that is last resort for Satan to say, so what you ganna do? As soon as I choose Christ, my battle is over because it is turned over to Him.
The past few months, probably going on 7 or 8 now, have been a true time of growth for me in my relationship with Christ. I think it is because of this reason that I can get through the tough times with a little bit of clarity. One of the things I believe with my whole heart is that God is in control of ALL things. He is in control of my life. He is in control of Dave's life. He is in control of when we have additional children. He is in control of when Dave gets a new job. He is in control of all of that. Sometimes I push the issue. I want things to happen now. I am a planner and I like to see the plan. I am okay with whatever happens but I want to know the end result. But, if we always knew the end result what role would faith play in our lives? IF we knew what was always going to happen we would not have a need for faith. My security is often times in "the plan" but that is not where my security needs to be. It needs to be in Christ.
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