Moving Past... "Seriously"

Seriously.  That is the word that comes to mind when I think about my current situation at work.  I am struggling with a co-worker that is just doing her job but it is starting to feel like bullying.  And there is nothing I can do about it.  So, my work is jeopardized because she is just doing her job.

Internal miscommunication.  And to be honest, I would love for the agent to climb the anger ladder.  I would love it!  Not because I want bad to come to this person but because I feel that the area this person resides in gets away with anything and everything they want.  They control the speed at which things happen.  And I think that is rediculus.  And if I say something to anyone really, I am just seen as a complainer.  I don't think there is anything I can do to resolve this.  And that is what is most frustrating.

So what is my plan going forward?  To reduce my contact with this department as much as possible.  Yep.  And that feels like a copout.  I mean really.  Why should I have to do a dance around a department just because they won't play nice with others?  And the problem, I feel people could easily start saying that about me.  My confidence is waning.  I do good work but I feel like I am starting to be pushed under a thumb and I don't like that.  I don't want to be pushed around.  That is not my nature.  Well, it is my former nature but I am so trying to move forward.

Enter, God.  Lord, what do I do about this situation?  Do I apologize?  but I haven't done anything wrong.  Then again, neither did Jesus but he was killed.  But he never apologized.  So he knows how I feel.  And knowing that, and trusting that he is in control of ALL situations, I need to let this go.  I need to move forward.  I need to be a team player.  That means playing with the teammates on my team, not on other teams.  Give me wisdom, Lord, as we move upstairs.  Give me discernment.  Give me a peace that surpasses all understanding.  Help me stay out of the pot.  I hate pot stirring and I feel like I am privy to too many people that like to stir the pot.  I don't want to be seen as someone that does not play nicely with others.  I need to give up.  I need to let go and let God.  I hate being hurt and misunderstood.  It is a tough, tough world out there at COUNTRY, especially right now.  People are scarred and it is every man for himself.  Somewhat of a hostile environment.  Lord, HELP!

Things that bring me joy - 2013

This next year my focus is going to be on things or people that bring me joy. 

Since it is not officially 2013 yet this is more of a prequal to what will be.

December 26th - Returns complete!  I had three items I needed to exchange at 3 different stores, one of them being Walmart.  I had an early start to the day and headed to Starbucks for a little quiet time prior to the day starting.  I left and was headed to work when I thought, I wonder if Kohl's is open.  I drove by and sure enough - it was.  I ran inside to discover there was no waiting in the exchange line!  Cha-ching!

I was excited about this journey thus far and wondered if I could do maybe 2 exchanges before 7am.  Of course, the stores needed to be open so I ventured on down Veterans Parkway to Menards to exchange some gloves I had gotten for Dave (ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION TO SIZE PEOPLE!).  They opened at 6:30 and it was not quite 6:30 so I went across the street to Walmart.  They were open and while the customer service desk was not officially open there was one lady at a check out that was able to do exchanges.  The most difficult return - COMPLETE - cha-ching....

Back to Menards.  I found the gloves in the correct size, took them up to the customer service center guy who decided it was too early to mess with paperwork, especially for an exchange and just did a swap.  Excellent. 

All exchanges complete before 7am.  Oh Yah.....

December 27th - Weight Watchers Meeting - I have been following the Weight Watchers program for a year.  I have lost a total of 15 pounds, gained some back and then lost again.  I have been tempted to give up on several occasions but I have stuck with it.  What I have learned is that this weightloss journey is just that - a journey.  It doesn't just happen.  There are ups and downs.  I can't just mark it off my list of things to do.  What I can do is embrace the journey and stay on it. 

The meeting this morning was amazing.  It was a small group - about 6 poeple total and it was my favorite meeting so far.  Just seemed to be a lot of break throughs.  And besides that, my head was not in the right spot this morning.  This meeting was perfect for me.  It helped me refocus and gave me some hope.  And hope not just about weightloss but about life.  Sometimes Satan messes with me and he was really trying to pull my chain this morning. 

Crazy Day

To be a displaced employee - what does that feel like?  The range of emotions are so numerous I can hardly begin to explain.  First there is the shock.  I am sitting in a room with 28 of my co-workers.  We know something is up but really not 100% sure what is going on.  Then, the bomb drops.  I figured it was something when the director to be could hardly keep from passing out.  He looked like crap.  I would too if I was in his shoes and frankly, if he hadn't looked like crap I would have been a little disappointed.  Would have fueled my fire.

What did I hear after the words "ADS (that is my department name) is desolving" and "jobs are being reallocated to other areas"?  It is a little jumbled.  The company has implemented a program called Operational Excellence affectionately referred to as "OE."  I at this point I have nothing nice to say about this program.  Sure, at the root it scientifically roots out access waste.  Apparently our department was full of waste.  To an extent, I would agree.  It was.  But to completely dissolve it - that is another matter entirely.  Seems a little harsh.

When I step back and really think about the reality of the situation - removing emotions - I know this was needed.  I know this is the right thing.  I know there is "waste" in our department.  I know all of this.  What gets me is that people are not waste and that is what it feels a little bit like right now.  How do we get rid of people in a friendly way?  We offer them jobs within the company - 21 positions to fill 28 lost jobs.  Those jobs are only open to us which I appreciate.  If the job is not filled then they will look else where.  If we do not find a job then we get a severence package equal to 2 weeks of pay for every year we have been there.  That would equate to 26 weeks of pay.  The chances of me getting one of the jobs we can post for is good.  I have a good reputation within the division.  However, for the position I currently hold one of the three of us will lose our job because there are only two positions to fill.  Nice.  That means my work load will increase.  Nice again.  But I would have a job.  Again, this needed to happen.

The emotional side of me is screaming right now.  YOU ARE MESSING WITH MY WORLD!  I don't want to do a resume.  I don't want to post for positions.  I don't even know if I want to work for a company that is so completely out of control right now.  This doesn't just effect me.  It effects everyone I work with - everyone.  I just feel betrayed to a degree.  And I don't know how they could have made it better.  At least the elephant is out of the bag or whatever that phrase is.  We can move forward.  We have known something was going to happen - have known that for some time now.  The when was what was outstanding.

But, I go back to the truth.  It is a simple truth - God is in control.  He is orchestrating this entire process.  He reminded me of his simple promise when Timothy came up to me when I got home and just wanted to read books.  My world might be rocked but his isn't.  The most important things are still the most important things.  My job is a means to care for the most important things.  I was praying even this morning that we could find a way to homeschool but that God would have to move mountains to make that happen because we aren't seeing that as an option right now.  Maybe he is moving mountains.  Maybe we are suppose to go to Huntsville.  Tangela sent me several jobs or maybe Dave is suppose to get a job.  Or who knows.  Who knows.  That is what I am praying about right now - wisdom.  I don't want to make an emotional decision.  I want to make a godly decision.  Besides, I will be forced to do some of those things I have put off for so long - like creating a resume.  Need to get that done this weekend.  It will also motivate Dave to do the same.

Wow - what a crazy week.  And yesterday we learned that one of Dave's former students lost a brother to suicide.  He touched many lives that we know so I feel like we are finding people that knew him all over the place.  So very, very sad.  So many emotions....  I think I will just go to bed.

Sweet Kids & Big Ideas

First, a story about a very sweet boy who I am very close to.  Yesterday WHO was out playing in the dirt (his favorite place to play) and discovered a worm.  We have a bird's nest outside our back door that has three baby birds in it - probably 2 weeks old.  We saw them when they first hatched and now they have feathers and everything.  Very cool.  The mother frequents our back door often so the fact that dogs have come and gone and people have come and gone is nothing short of amazing.  When the mother bird first started building her next there Dave would take it down - daily.  This went on for a week or so.  Finally I said, "Honey, let survival of the fittest take its course."  I figured the mother bird would just not take care of the eggs so there would never be birds.  Well, I was wrong.  The babies have been well fed.  Enter life lesson.

So, WHO was playing outside in the dirt and found this worm.  We had talked about what birds eat so he put the worm aside and told his daddy he was going to leave it for the mama bird so she could feed the babies.  Dave took the worm and put it on the edge of the nest.  My son is learning to care even for the birds.  I love his heart.  It is so sweet and tender.  I pray that gentle spirit continues to blossom and grow.

On to Big Ideas.  I have been inspired by several books I have read recently on the Navy Seals.  They are an amazing group of warriors.  I have great respect for them and for all of our service men and women.  I want to be able to give back to them but not sure how.  Right now so many of the veterans come back wounded - either physically or mentally.  They have a life in front of them but they need some help.  I want to be able to assist.  Again, I have no idea what that looks like but going to be praying about it. 

Another thought on my head is that of adoption.  Again, not sure what that looks like but I have a heart for those who have been wounded.  I love listening to people talk.  I love sharing in their hurts and watching them move forward.  I love hugging and holding those that are hurting.  That is my nature.  That is my strength.  I want to use that strength.  Not sure how but definitely something I want to continue to pray about.

April 1, 2012

I think I am going to try my hand at blogging on a day by day basis. We will see how it goes.

Today, we went to church, Menard's to pick up some supplies for boxes Dave is making and found a few extra things. I am finally going to get the rest of Will's 12"x12" squares hung in his room. That poor boy. I had so many higher hopes for his room. It is a work in process.

Timothy - missed his nap this morning and then was woken up by Maddy early so e was GRUMPY this afternoon. He is really exploring his boundaries right now, completely testing Dave and I. Consistency is key during this stage of his development. This is where being parents is hard because sometimes you just get tired. Thankfully, we kept on top of it most of today. His smile lights up my life though. When he looks at me and just grins I can't help but grin back. Can't help but kiss his little face and hug him. He is lovable. Daily I feel like he says new words. So far he says Bible, Jesus, brother (auder), mama, dada, please (peese), water, banana (nana), ball, baby, strawberries, raspberries, bye-bye and all done. He blows kisses for night night and good bye. He is a good kiddo too.

Will - He is my buddy but I am still his mama. I just enjoy most everything about this kid except when he doesn't listen. Thankfully that doesn't happen to often. Today it happened a couple of times. He ended up not getting stories for bedtime which is very powerful to him and got spanked when I caught him looking out his window after bedtime. I hate both of those and it wasn't the act as much as it was the disobedience. That is what he was disciplined for. Otherwise he enjoyed life today as only a 4 year old boy can. He played in some water, which turned into mud. He rode his bike. He is doing so well with that. I am really proud of him. He helped me dig up dandelions out of the yard. He joined me on a special trip to Starbucks and the grocery store. He had a full day and I was so glad to spend time with him. Very cool kid.

Dave - He makes me smile on a regular basis. He has been building some boxes that are absolutely beautiful. It is so good to see him come into the house with a smile on his face. Does my heart so much good. I love standing next to him as he sings in church and I love that he tries to keep me awake in church when I am so sleepy. Today we both were. He is a good guy and I am blessed.

WW Update: It went mostly well. I snaked a little bit more than I would have liked (prefer no snacking) but overall I think today was a good day. I got a walk in, worked outside for a bit this evening, cleaned the kitchen tonight. All in all, I was active. I love keeping my house and making it more of a home. Praying I can do that more and more. Tomorrow I go to the gym for some elliptical. I would rather run outside but I need to get back into my routine so inside it is for tomorrow.

Until tomorrow...

Just Love it when God does this!

So, I was having a little bit of a personal, private pity party about how many responsibilities I have and how I don't have enough time to get them done and still have a little bit of down time. Really was focused on blaming Dave for many of the problems because shoot, he is the other adult in the house and he could help out more, right? Most of the time I see him with an ipad in hand or at the computer. It aggravates me and that was the road I have been on the last few days.

I have been praying about it. God, give me a break through in better understanding where my husband is mentally and what I can do to help. I want to show him compassion and love him despite of what he does but my goodness, my desires sometimes become so strong and I just want to dig my heels in.

Enter God...

One of the beautiful things about my heavenly father is that he loves me unconditionally. He put Dave and I together with all of our issues and like a mother or father might say to a child, he lets us work through our issues. He knows the answers. He could fix it and sometimes does but usually he lets us walk through the situation because we gain wisdom along the way. It is kind of like video games where you get tins in order to have more life. You are not given all the tools right off the bat. You have to earn them. As you pass through levels that are challenging you gain more tools. Similarly to the human life, as I pass through a struggle I have the opportunity to pick up bits of wisdom and understanding along the path. I have the choice though, just like in a video game. I can pick up the pieces along the journey and have more "life" or I can ignore the pieces all together and have no life. That option stinks.

So, in my current "level" I have options. Discouragement and an attitude of entitlement which will lead to further discouragement or I can look at my life as an opportunity to serve my family and friends. One way leads to more life and includes God (he fuels this endeavor) and the other way leads to disappointment, anger and much less than the abundant life.

Today's devotional was about this very subject. Love it when God SPELLS it out for me! Thank you Lord. I love you.

Verse on my heart this morning

I will be very honest right now. I am tired. Not just physically tired but emotionally tired. The idea of doing one more thing is overwelming. The idea of doing what needs to be accomplished today is overwelming. I am just tired.

I could blame many things on my exhaustion. Maybe it is the change in the weather or the fact that I don't get enough sleep at night. Maybe it is that we just got back from a long weekend trip to Huntsville or maybe it is that my youngest child still wakes up once in the night crying. Or maybe it is a little bit of all of those combined to form my exhaustion.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Mercies in Disguise

This song has been running through my head all morning and I really like it. It is called "Blessings" by Laura Story. The chorus goes something like this:

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepness nights
Are what it takes to know you're near
What if the trials in this life are your mercies in disguise....

My life has been marked by a few significant events that have humbled me to the core and caused my relationship with Christ to soar. It is amazing how closely we hold on to God when life is tough. And how much we can grow when we allow ourselves to rely on Christ.

It is through the trials that I grow. When I have a season of depression or disappointment my emotional side cries out - God, why???? I hate this season. But, the reality, my spiritual side is rejoicing because my mind and body are turned to Christ. There is a refreshment that comes with submitting myself to Christ and saying, I am weak but you are strong. I am failing according to my standards but in you I am whole. That doesn't always make the pain go away or the depression lift but it does give me the strength to make it through yet another day. It gives me hope because all we have is today.

When my mind is on Christ I can face the day because I know in my heart I have my best friend beside me. He makes me laugh and he lets me cry. I never have to hide my tears when I am around Christ. He lets me be the me who I am at the core and he encourages that person. He encourages me to be the woman he has created and sometimes that means she cries. Sometimes that means she laughs but she always cares. She always loves. She knows where to turn when the blessings come through raindrops...

My Hubby

I have to tell you something. I have a best friend. It is a he and sometimes I forget that he is my best friend. Sometimes I don't treat him like my best friend - I treat him not so nice.

That is what happened yesterday. My nerves had been grated and I was fiesty but not in a good way. I was mean. that wasn't like me. What was going on? Why was I so PO'ed at the world and in particular, at my hubby?

I could list the outside factors that seemed very logical - dishes to do, laundry to fold, floors to mop, floors to vacuum, toys to pick up. Why was I doing all of this after working all day? So, I put on my most unattractive attitude - martidum - and quickly picked things up. The main focus on where to put said toys was a large trash can outside. I mean, if we didn't have all these toys then we (I) wouldn't have to pick them up! The fire in my thought process was being fanned and all the sudden there was a bonfire. Logs were being added. Things not usually ment for burning were being added (plastic cups, stuffed animals, legos, toy cars, tools sitting on my kitchen counter, games, papers, ect, ect...).

To calm my frustration I decided I needed a nice candle to burn, literally. I thought maybe the aroma would be therapy for my soul. Ironically, I couldn't find a lighter. So I had this amazing bonfire and nothing to light it with, literally.

What can be hotter than fire? What is sharper than a sword? My mouth. And the words I wish I could take back simply spilled out. Once they were out there I looked at my husband. He was hurt. Very, very hurt. He was already down I and came in for the final kick. It wasn't intential but it must have been on my mind because the words flowed out without any analysis on my part. I hate it when that happens!

He went off to sooth his aching soul and then he said something I will never forget. He said, "Sometimes I think you would be better off without me." Oh wow. I deserved it. Dave has never been one to keep things to himself.

As I drove off to a party, of all things, last night I had time to think and pray. I realized as I prayed that my husband is my best friend and yet I wasn't treating him as such. I was treating him more like a kid. He is a 41 year old man. He deserves a little more respect than that. He deserves to have a bad day, week, month every once in a while. And he deserves to have a wife that will let him figure things out without her ever so helpful "encouragement."

I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my Dave-O, Handsome Boy, Knight in Shinning Armor. All of his expectations and mine for that matter, might not be met yet but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I hope he can know that.

Another week as come and gone...

What a crazy week! Dave came up with this great plan to surprise my dad on his birthday by showing up in Nashville for a couple of days - unannounced. We told my brother and sister-in-law who live next door but other than that, my dad did not have a clue. We were going to show up at his house and stick both boys in a wrapped box and then have my dad open the box but we arrived right as he was scheduled to see a client. Instead we met him at his work as he was pulling in. He was definitely surprised! I loved his smile. Very genuine. We enjoyed nice conversation over dinner with my brother and his very sweet wife. I love her. She is such an excellent addition to our family. Then we all headed to bed. Poor Timothy didn't sleep well. I actually slept on the floor next to his little bed for a bit that night with my hand on his back. As soon as I moved he would wake up. Just needed his mama nearby I guess.

The next day we went and saw the trains at Cheekwood and lunch with Colin. Lunching with two children, even well behaved children, does not lend itself to much conversation. But, we enjoyed the meal anyway. We took two very tired children back to Dad's. Dad and I went out to grab a couple of items we needed for the all american dinner - hamburgers, baked beans, watermelon and corn on the cob. Yum.... The meal was finished off by dad's famous milk shakes. Never can get enough of those. Will LOVES my dad's milkshakes. He went up and asked specifically for one after dinner and again the next morning for breakfast. For dinner, yes but not for breakfast. Oh well. Can't blame the boy for trying! That afternoon (before dinner) dad decided he wanted to wash the car for us. When my dad washes a car he doesn't just run some soap and water over the exterior. He does it right. First he washes, uses some tar/bug remover, then dries so no water spots are left over and then waxes. He was doing this in 101 degree weather. He was SOAKED when he came inside and looked very tired. Michelle helped with the vacuuming and the next day Dad and I finished up with windows, final vacuuming, and more de-hairing. He had this really neat brush that took up dog hair better than anything I have ever used before. Very slick.

One of the things I truly appreciate about my dad is that he does things right. And he loves to do things for his children. I hope he is around for a long, long time - because I love him very much.

And then we had a flair up with my mom. I HATE divorce and alcoholism. If anyone ever tries to tell me addictions will not effect the family I would call them ignorant at best. The problem with divorce is that we have to split our time between parents. You would think after 20+ years I would be use to it but alias, I am not. I still wish my parents were married. But then there is this nasty addiction that has plagued our family. It is evil and vindictive. I am so thankful that God has healed so many of the wounds and anger I had towards my mom. Slowly I am beginning to trust her and open up to her and it feels so good. Grace is what I have learned and it has freed me up to have a relationship with her. Dave come to this addiction situation with a different viewpoint. He wants to protect his family. And protection from a person struggling with an addiction is tricky. I want to have a relationship with my mom but I don't want to allow the disease to ruin that. I have to remember to love my mom in spite of the addiction. She is a woman who happens to be my mom. I am not going to continue to fault her for struggling with an addiction. But everyone gets to that point at a different speed. Dave is not there yet so we had to bypass a visit with her this time. I really want her to be able to hold the boys and love on them. But, as I am learning, I have to trust God.

My mom was very disappointed and hurt when she found out we were in town. I purposely had not told her we would be in town in case we were not able to see her. She found out because of a facebook post. Thankfully something good was able to come out of all of this. My mom and I were able to reconcile quickly. In the past it has taken months sometimes for the hurt to subside but this time it only took a couple of days. She apologized for getting so upset and said she still doesn't understand but is going to be patient. I was able to confront her on something she had said the evening before and God gave me the grace to say it with love. Thank you LORD!!

Next week I go back to work and while I like routine I find myself somewhat sad. I love being a house wife. I love taking care of my family. I love taking care of the house. My new prayer is simple, show me how to trust you more and stop me when I forget.

So Holy Spirit Like...

Ever have those times when you would swear the pastor knew exactly what you were going through or reading at this exact moment? Doesn't happen to me very often but when it does I call it a Holy Spirit moment and I listen. The reason why, no one can plan that kind of thing. It is not a coincidence.

Todays message was on the Ethiopian Philip means on a road near the red sea. It is all about trusting God and responding to the Holy Spirit. Philip had no intention of taking this road. He was headed to a revival where everyone was being converted. It was a huge party! But, God had other plans. He knows that EVERYONE needs salvation and those that already have it, getting together to celebrate is important but having a new member join the Family is more important. Philip takes this road somewhat begrudgingly. He runs into this Ethiopian who is a eunuch. He is the treasure for Candace (the queen of Ethiopia) and also in charge of the Harem for the king. The king did want this person in this job to be destracted from their responsibilities so the eunuch was castrated. Here was a man who could not have children during a period of time where children were very important. He was black which means he stuck out like a sore thumb in Judea. Yet, he needed salvation.

Here comes Philip and he notices the Ethiopian on the side of the road reading the Bible and perplexed. Philip asks if he understands what he is reading and the reply is not at all. Philip then has the opportunity to explain the passage in Isaiah which happens to be a foreshadowing of Christ. At the end of the conversation the Ethiopian is baptized. The bottom line, he rejoices. His circumstance hasn't changed. He is still a eunuch but his life is changed because he now knows Christ. He knows his life is not his own. He knows someone loved him enough to die for him. He trusts and believes.

Mike challenged us. He stated your circumstances might not be the best and you might ask the who, what, why, how questions to God all the time to which he is quiet, but maybe that is not what this is all about. Maybe it isn't ours to ask God but rather to respond to the leading of the Holy Spirit. God is at work in our life. We just have to trust and believe.

I get it. I get it more today then I have in a long time. I feel like I am somewhat of a free woman right now. God is in control. The questions that all come to mind right now are silenced. I am enjoying the peace that comes from knowing that God is in control. It is not mine to question why but rather to follow where he leads. That is the heart of a changed life in Christ.

Type A Personality - a blessing and a curse

God is working on me and it is interesting to be a part of what he is doing.

You will have to forgive my over analytical mind. It works much faster than I can keep up with most of the time. I am working through in my mind how to do things for God's glory instead of mine. I have been programmed, okay we all have been, to do things to receive praise for them. In and of itself that isn't a bad thing except that the praise is pointless. You work hard, get praise and then have to work hard again to get praise to feel good about yourself. Eventually the praise, like recreational drugs I suppose (although thankfully I have never tried them), isn't enough. You can't work any harder to get the praise you need. And in the process, you get very, very tired and discouraged.

Enter God. The solution - duh.... If I am working for God and looking to him for praise that is praise that is eternal. Hear me out. I was created to bring praise and glory to God. That is my ultimate purpose. I achieve that through doing things for him, not for myself. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is in this world and at this moment, it is to take care of those things he has placed in my life - my husband, my boys, my friends. People. And taking care of people is an interesting thing. It can become a chore if I look at it from a human standpoint. I get wiped out. Interestingly enough, my mom and dad both on separate occasions have commented on how proud they are of me and Dave and the work we are doing. Do you know that it really did nothing for me? It was human praise which was nice and appreciated but it did not make me want to try harder. Very interesting to me. I think this is where God is changing me.

What brings a smile to my face is knowing that I am doing what God has called me to do. He has placed two beautiful boys in my life and a very loving husband. He has given me these blessings and only asks that I enjoy them. I need to respect them, love them and seek God for how to proceed in the relationships. Other than that, I am free to enjoy them. I am free to smile when I make baby food for Timothy. It isn't a chore, it is a privilege. I am free to smile when I tuck Will into bed at night and he wants to snuggle just a little bit longer. I am free to also spank his little bottom when he needs it - doesn't produce smiles but it is what I have to do sometimes. Anyway, freedom is a new feeling for me and something I am not overly comfortable with. However, I am very comfortable experiencing the joy and peace that comes from looking up to God instead of out to man for my contentment.

Something tough for this type A personality person to learn but by grace, I am getting it.

A Humorous God

Ever have those days where you have to laugh because if you don't you will cry. I had one of those days today. It all started when I didn't sleep well - never good. I did manage to take a bath (because those are all I get to take at the moment) by myself and even had my hair dried before the house woke up. Then, snuggle time with everyone - I love that time. Can't get enough of that. And then, off to the doctor to check on the old foot which is healing very nicely - thank you very much.

So, sounds good so far. Except, I had this underlying low key depression feeling the better part of the day. I want to blame it on routine and that is part of it but if I am really honest with myself, I just hate worrying yet I can't always stop the worry once it starts. It is a very bad habit I have. And like I have said before, when these brief seasons erupt in my life God always shows me something brilliant. This is no different.

Enter, one of the books I read on a regular basis. This is actually my third reading of it and every time I read it I get something better out of it than the last time. It is called Laugh Again, Experience Outrageous Joy by Charles Swindoll. I love the topic of joy. I feel like joy was one of those things I missed out on as a child and I want to know more about it. I want to experience joy on the foggiest of days.

This book is all about joy but through the apostle Paul and his letter to Philippi. The man was in chains and had been for some time. He had no routine on a day to day basis but he still experienced joy - because he knew the bigger picture. I love this. He knew that what was happening to him for today was furthering God's kingdom. It was not about him and his circumstances. It was about the ultimate goal of why we are on this earth - to bring glory to God. It wasn't happiness but he could survive the daily grind of sitting in a dark jail cell with his mind and maybe a few cell mates because he took each opportunity to share about Christ not only with those around him but even those further away. His message is still around today and that is so inspiring.

Let's get one thing straight here, I don't want to be in chains or in challenging situations for the rest of my life but I do want to be part of God's team. I want to be able to say without any hesitation that I am sold out to Christ even when the going gets tough. And thankfully, I feel like I am near a place where I can. I love that. I love my personal relationship with my personal Heavenly Father. I love that he is with me every step of every day. I really never am alone. I wish others knew what that was like. I can't explain it very well with words because it is something you just begin to understand one day. It is one of the pleasures that comes out through the journey - the serious pot holes and the smooth road.

So, today got better the more I read about joy. The more I was challenged to remember that everything that happens is already known by God and could be used to further his kingdom. I had to discipline Will several times today - more than usual and I found it ironic. I got to use what I had learned and I will be honest, while discipline is not fun, it is necessary. I had several times where I could have caved into poor behavior and even justified it a little bit but I choose to use the opportunities to teach with grace and humility.

I am not a perfect mama and never will be. I will always be far from it but when I die I want my boys to know that they were loved and taught to respect others and love God with all their heart. My prayer is that I will continue to learn what these different attributes mean so I can show them not only in word but more importantly, in action.

There are so many amazing quotes in this book - even as I look back I am amazed at what I have learned again already (remember, third time is a charm!). But, this is what I am most impressed with this evening:

"If we hope to maintain our joy in the process (of overcoming a dilemma), we must (repeat must) allow the Lord to be our Guide, our Strength, our Wisdom - our all."

Allowing Others to Serve

There are points in my life where God stops me and shows me some amazing things. I will be honest, I rarely like the stopping points. Remember, I am a routine person and breaking out of my routine causes me to stop or at least slow down.

So this morning I was reading a devotional about Job. He was a good man. He had many good things and they had been given to him. In one fellow swoop all was taken away from him. Instead of critizing God and asking why he plunged forward. He allowed God the time to heal him. It didn't happen all at once. It happened over a season of time but at the end of that season life was better than it had been before.

I wonder if Job ever thought back about life before? I wonder if he ever dwelt on what was? Did he suffer from PTSD and if not, why not? He had EVERYTHING taken from him. His family. His job. Everything but his life. In the midst of that he said I am still going to praise God. I am still going to believe he is the true God.

I think about that in my life right now. In no way am I like Job except I am slightly inconvenienced. My family is laughing in the other room. My husband is doing dishes for me and bring me laundry that he has moved from the washer to the dryer. Life is so good and yet I find tears in my eyes because I am not content. I hate that. What is wrong with me? Seriously. I have more in a short 33 years of life than most people have in a life time. I have a husband that loves me and serves me. I have two boys who light up my life. They are such joy. I have two dogs that love me and most importantly I have a relationship with God. I know I am going to heaven when I die and I know his work here on earth with me is just beginning. That is exciting.

I have this feeling that this piece of my puzzle is something we (God and I) have to work through before he can show us the next stage or step of life. Maybe that looks like contentment regardless of what comes our way. Trusting Jesus even through the trials. There is something beautiful about that and freeing. That doesn't mean there won't be tears. That doesn't mean there won't be times of questioning but that does mean there is peace in the midst of the storm. It does mean there is guidance even when there are struggles. That does mean there are open arms when all other doors are closed. His name is Jesus and he loves me more than anything. Everything else pales in comparison to how much he loves me.

Journal Entry

This week has been tough on me (and yes, it is only Monday). I am a routine driven person to a fault. When my routine is thrown out of kilter I don't hardly know what to do with myself! As I have been pondering this and praying about it today a small piece of revelation came to mind (I love it when God does that to/for me). I have a really hard time when people tell me I can't do something. It makes me want to do it that much more. For instance, right now, I am not suppose to walk much so what do I do, fight it. Why do I have so much time enjoying a change of pace? Why I am I so routine driven? These are questions I really struggle with.

And to top it all off, I left my Bible at work. I could really use that right now! Instead, I have daily devotionals from Eastview. Todays was what was life like before Christ. I am very pleased to report that the memories of what I was like before I truly accepted Christ in my life are faint. I love that! I love that I have a personal relationship with a God who has washed me whiter than snow and loves me for who I am. He loves me when I struggle. He loves me when I excel. He loves me when I am depressed or when I am anxious. He loves me all the time and he loves it when I come to him with my thoughts. It is like sitting down to have a conversation with my favorite person. Here is how it goes:

Setting: An open porch overlooking a garden with spring flowers always in bloom, rocking chairs and ice cold lemonade. The steps are on the side. As soon as I walk up God stands up opens his arms, plants a huge smile on his face and welcomes me onto the porch. He is thrilled to see me and so thankful that I stopped by for this unexpected visit.

God: Em'ly. So good to see how. Please join me. Can I get you some lemonade?

Em'ly: Thank you. I would love some. How are you Lord?

God: I am better now that you are here. I have been sitting all day admiring the beauty of this yard and no one to share it with. It isn't that uncommon. I made the humans and they are always BUSY. How I wish they would slow down and have a drink with me.

Em'ly: I have missed you. Coming to visit with you is like coming to visit with an old friend only better. You love me just as I am and to be honest, I am a broken person. I struggle. I need your advise.

God: Shoot. What is going through your beautiful mind?

Em'ly: I am struggling right now with routine vs. change. I want to be a person that accepts change and adapts accordingly. How do I do that?

God: What are you so afraid of? Are you in a constant state of fear or just periodically? Tell me a little bit more.

Em'ly: When my routine is changed I experience this problem. For instance, right now I am tied up with a bum foot and really not suppose to use it much. I am on the couch most of the time. Ironically, if I was going to work like normal and came home I might end up on the couch for a good chunk of time but because I am forced to I struggle with it. I fear I won't have anything to do? And then reality kicks in and I say, Seriously? Nothing to do? How about organizing pictures and scrapbooking or reading a book or doing a puzzle. Don't waste your time off worrying about what you might not do because then you won't have any time left!

God: Hum.... I see. Let me ask you a question. Who is in charge of all things?

Em'ly: You

God: It is very, very possible that I have a specific plan and reason for your situation. I might be teaching you something very valuable. Look for that lesson and when you get nervous, just pray. I am only a step away and my door is always open to you.

Em'ly: Why is it so easy when you say it and it makes so much sense but in my feeble mind I struggle? Your word trumps all. THANK GOODNESS!

And we could go on and on. This is what my relationship with Christ is like. It is personal and real. It is gentle. He doesn't put me down or ask me why I think I certain way. He listens and inserts his wisdom. Ironically, I don't find myself questioning it once I have clarity. We move forward together.

Now why don't I do this with everything that comes across my lap!

Feeling Good Yesterday - Day #2, Not so Much!

Surgery Day turned out to be very good. We arrived at the center on time, my nurse did an excellent job of getting an IV into my arm the ankle block worked like a charm and I was completely numb, until about 4am this morning. All in all, surgery day was okay.

Funny story about being "out." The anastegiologist was funny which really helped calm my nerves. He asked me how awake I wanted to be and I said I needed to be mostly out (see previous post) and he complied. I started waking up once the procedure was over and I remember at one point trying to get up from the table. I remember hearing people talking and laughing at their stories. It was fun to listen to. I even chimed in once or twice - not sure I made much sense. It was funny because at the time I remember exactly what was said but now, I can't tell you a thing. So interesting how that works.

I finally woke up in recovery and true to form, the itching began. Something about the anastesia causes me to itch big time! They gave me benedryl and some nausea meds because I started feeling a little qweezy. I was somewhat out again. Benedryl makes me very sleepy! Dave was able to come into the recovery room with me which was really nice. I like being with him. And then we came home. The whole process only took about 3 hours. On the way home we got Starbucks (how can my hubby say no to me at this point) and then picked up the boys. Again, I was still in a daze. Will was excited to see me but could tell something was a little different. At home I promptly went to bed and slept off more of the meds. Finally woke up after the boys had naps and then fell asleep again. I was just tired! The evening hours were better with me being awake but it was hard not being able to get up and do things.

This morning I woke up around 4am and realized today was going to be a little more challenging pain wise. Ouch! I can't put any weight on my left foot today! More numbing agent please!!! The meds aren't even taking away the pain. Not good. I feel sorry for kids that break bones. Poor things! hopefully each day will get better. Today is another resting day.

Pray for my hubby...

Foot Surgery - ugh...

So, Tomorrow is a special day for me. I get to have surgery. Now, with c-sections there was some excitement because at the end I got to hold a precious new baby (boy in my case). This time around I am struggling with seeing the beauty of this procedures.

What are they going to do you ask? Well, first, they cut open my foot. Then they use some kind of saw like instrument to remove a portion of the bone in the metatarsal connected to my big toe. Then they screw the bone back together. And finally, they take some kind of sanding tool and grind down the bone spur.

I think in terms of carpentery tools, probably because my hubby is skilled in building beautiful things (IE Pergola, beds, a garage, ect). When I think of a saw I think of a tool with sharp spikes on the end or a chain saw. Both of which have a loud buzzing noise. When I think of screws I think of metal pieces that require a philips screw driver or an electric drill. Now, do they use the 8 hp or the 14hp? How dense is this bone? Seriously, at 10:15 the night before foot surgery this is where my mind goes.

And then for the sanding. Is it like an electric sander where they just run over the bone until it is down to the desired hight? Is there dust or do they use a dust machine that connects to the "sander? Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, and how long with this surgery take? At what point will I be out and how "out" will I be because I really think all the way is best for me. If I even see a saw or a screw or an electric sander in the operating room I think I will throw up! What happened to me? Am I the daughter of a doctor and the sister of two doctors, niece of one doctor and they took all medical tolerance? When did I become such a dork about medical procedures? Good grief!

I will have lots of answers for you tomorrow! Oh, and while I am at home for the next two weeks, three days of which I am confined to my bed, I plan to think about how to lose some weight. How to enjoy lots of reruns of MASH. How to enjoy time with my boys. How to keep my hubby from going completely crazy and maybe even how to keep myself from going nuts. Any suggestions? I don't want the usual suggestions like read a book or scrapbook. I need something creative and fun that can be done from the pleasure of my own bed. Anyone???

What My Relationship with Christ Looks Like

Today in my quiet time/prayer time I realized my relationship with Christ is changing - drastically. Let me take you on a journey through my heart. This is highly personal but helps me come full circle in my relationship with Christ.

God meets me every morning. Actually, I meet him. He never pressures me into visiting with him but the more I meet with him and get to know him the more I want to meet with him. The more I want to be in prayer for long periods of time. The more I want to enjoy his company. It kind of goes like this. My meeting place is kind of like a stage. I enter but the stage is just me and God and there aren't any people in the audience. It is dark and the room is only lit by a fire in the fireplace. There are two over sized leather chairs that are just comfortable, not over stuffed but perfect for sitting in and talking. There is a small table in between the two chairs and either coffee, tea or something of that nature sitting on the table for me to drink. Never does God drink. He just looks at me and listens.

You might be thinking, what does God look like to me? He looks like an older man - a very fatherly figure. He greets me with a hug and a smile every time. He always says, "thanks for coming and I am so glad to see you." He really enjoys my company. Then we talk. Actually, typically I do a lot of the talking. He listens with a very peaceful look on his face. Sometimes his face shows sadness but usually it is just a gentle face, confident that he is in control and so glad I am seeking him. He is very personal to me. After joining him in this room I always feel peace. He lays out my plan for the day and tells me my purpose which is always the same. He tells me I am to be a wife and mama today. I need to treat my co-workers with respect and tackle challenges head on. When problems arise deal with them. Sweeping them under the rug is not dealing with them. They will resurface.

Because of this encounter my relationship with God is totally changing. Prayer is not just a bunch of words that I hope to express correctly. There is feeling behind the words. It is about a relationship and that is a two way street. I have access directly to God. I don't think I have understood that in this light before. I know Satan is alive and well but I know I can go to this place of prayer at any time. Never is God too busy for me. In fact, it is as if he is always waiting for me. And when I leave he leaves with me - guiding my every step and protecting me against so many things I never even know about. With this in mind, I am never alone. His presence is alive and living in me.

Step by step, I am growing.

Hum.... A blah day....

I hate blah days. Makes me ask the question, "what is wrong with me!" I have such a good life. I have a husband who loves me dearly and two boys who I would not trade for anything. I have two dogs that are such good sports. They don't get nearly enough attention but they still love me. I have a decent job that allows my husband to stay home with our boys. I have extended family that loves me. I am very loved. But yet, some days none of that completely matters. Some days I feel like I am just existing. Today is kind of one of those days.

I am going through the motions and getting things done. It is not like a full blown depression but more like a hint of what depression is like. It is a reminder of where I do not want to be. And yet, as I was thinking about this this past weekend (kind of been in a funk all weekend) I had several thoughts run through my head.

1. I am thankful for my seasons of depression. Don't get me wrong, I would not mind if I never had another episode but having been on this journey, I know how others feel. This journey has made me a stronger person. When depression rears its ugly head I know life goes on and depression does not last forever. I know tools to use to move past this and I am thankful for that. One of those tools is medicine. Another is exercise but probably the most beneficial tool I have is prayer. It is when I am quiet and still that God can speak to me. He whispers about his love for me, his daughter. He reminds me of the good gifts I have and is in the process of teaching me how to enjoy those gifts.

2. Accepting good gifts. I have a bit of a problem accepting the good gifts God has given to me. Why is that? I don't feel worthy but to be honest, I am not worthy. I am a sinner in need of grace. What a better example of grace then receiving good gifts in the midst of my sinful nature. Sometimes I find myself fearful that I won't enjoy the gifts and as a result, I don't enjoy them to the fullest. My prayer is that I will enjoy the gifts I have been given and not question them - just accept them. There is so much doom in gloom in this world. It is easier to see that than it is to see the blessings. As my eyes are more opened to the blessings I want to grab ahold of them and LIVE.

3. Serving in church. Yesterday morning I woke up concerned about how much I was serving in church. God answered my prayer question in the service yesterday. Mike, our pastor, reminded us that we can only do a few things really well. Those are the areas we are to be serving. For me, that means I get to serve my family, serve through my work and then serve at church. If it seems a little out of wack I don't think it really is. God has given me a family to take care of. He has also given me a job. As much as I don't like my job some days it is where I get to share the love of Christ through my actions. God has me here for a reason for a season. I might not get to see the fruits of labor but he is working. My hope is that I get to see some of the poeple I work with in heaven one day. God is using me here, I just don't always know how or understand why.

Bottom line. I am loved. That much I do know. One day I will love myself in all kinds of weather. I am a special case and that makes me smile.

Today when I got up, the thought ran through my head that has run through my head often. Good morning Lord. and Satan, watch out. No tellin' what God is going to do with me today to further his kingdom!

Random Thoughts

I had a thoughtful morning this morning. One of those days where my emotions and thoughts were all over the place. If people could really see what goes on in this head of mine they would think I was a freak of nature! But I digress.

Started out feeling pretty good this morning. I had been feeling a little depressed the last week or so due to lack of sleep. Then I remembered while my dad was here visiting two weeks ago I forgot to take my meds for depression/anxiety. When I did a little research on what happens when that happens it was fairly clear what was going on. DON'T STOP COLD TURKEY and for me, best if I don't stop at all.

I will be honest, I still struggle with the depression meds and this morning I asked myself why. What is the honest reason I don't want to take meds? I mean, if I had cancer medicine would be considered a God send but with depression meds they are still seen as a crutch. Why? Not sure. But, this much I know, they are an enormous help to me and while I can do life without them, it is not in my best interest or the best interest of my family.

But, this morning I contemplated this reoccurring idea again. This is going to sound sick but it is the competitive string in me I suppose. There is a part of me that likes the fight to feel better. When I am depressed and coming out of it I do things differently:

- I give myself more grace to let things be
- I tend to look for the good in life and look for the blessings
- I can become very focused because whatever is bothering me tends to consume my thoughts
- My dependence on Christ increases

So, as I further evaluate there is no reason why I can't do the above things when I am not depressed/anxious (and for all intended purposes this is more of an anxiety issue than a depression issue). In fact, I can do so much more. Some things that come to mind:

- SLEEP - when anxiety hits I can't sleep and I become very emotional
- Enjoy my family more - I can control my thoughts - things don't bother me so much
- I can be more flexible - a change of plans doesn't cause me to do back flips
- I worry so much less - especially of what others think of me
- Ridiculous thoughts don't consume me - ex: what if one of my kids gets cancer (you get the picture. My poor children are already in the hospital and the doctor is telling Dave and nothing can be done).

Bottom line, life is better when I can think more clearly. So my next question this morning was why I would even consider not taking my meds. Is it rebellion? Is it only the issue I described above? Or something or someone else.

And then my brain jumped to some really sordid thoughts. Sexual abuse seems to plague the news. I thought, what if one of my boys was sexually abused and what if I caused it? Seriously? Why would my mind even go there? That was when I decided Satan was really invading my car this morning.

Right then and there I started praying. It always amazes me how passionate I can get when I tell Satan to take a hike. And then I asked God to send his army of angels to protect me because I was under serious attack this morning.

And then, I was peaceful again, remarkably quickly. And some beautiful thoughts came to my head. First one, my actions always need to be those things that build others up. I should never do ANYTHING that would purposely destroy some one's life. Yes, God can make beauty come out of horrible situations but I would not be able to live with myself if I did something purposely that I knew would have devastating effects on someone else.

I thought about my boys and the challenge I have been given to be their mama. I know that parenthood is a daily process of letting go but to be honest, I find myself wanting to hold them closer and closer all the time. I know I can't slow down time but some days I just want it to stop. I don't want this season of our life to change and yet I know it has to. I know that having children means allowing them to grow up and how important that process is. So after a few tears, I am giving into the fact that I can't stop time and they are going to grow up - they need to. Dave and I are raising the next generation of young men and trying to stop time is teaching them unrealistic expectations. Besides, it would stifle them and ultimately that would make their life harder in the long run.

The process of letting go - sounds like the name of a book on parenthood...