Random Thoughts

I had a thoughtful morning this morning. One of those days where my emotions and thoughts were all over the place. If people could really see what goes on in this head of mine they would think I was a freak of nature! But I digress.

Started out feeling pretty good this morning. I had been feeling a little depressed the last week or so due to lack of sleep. Then I remembered while my dad was here visiting two weeks ago I forgot to take my meds for depression/anxiety. When I did a little research on what happens when that happens it was fairly clear what was going on. DON'T STOP COLD TURKEY and for me, best if I don't stop at all.

I will be honest, I still struggle with the depression meds and this morning I asked myself why. What is the honest reason I don't want to take meds? I mean, if I had cancer medicine would be considered a God send but with depression meds they are still seen as a crutch. Why? Not sure. But, this much I know, they are an enormous help to me and while I can do life without them, it is not in my best interest or the best interest of my family.

But, this morning I contemplated this reoccurring idea again. This is going to sound sick but it is the competitive string in me I suppose. There is a part of me that likes the fight to feel better. When I am depressed and coming out of it I do things differently:

- I give myself more grace to let things be
- I tend to look for the good in life and look for the blessings
- I can become very focused because whatever is bothering me tends to consume my thoughts
- My dependence on Christ increases

So, as I further evaluate there is no reason why I can't do the above things when I am not depressed/anxious (and for all intended purposes this is more of an anxiety issue than a depression issue). In fact, I can do so much more. Some things that come to mind:

- SLEEP - when anxiety hits I can't sleep and I become very emotional
- Enjoy my family more - I can control my thoughts - things don't bother me so much
- I can be more flexible - a change of plans doesn't cause me to do back flips
- I worry so much less - especially of what others think of me
- Ridiculous thoughts don't consume me - ex: what if one of my kids gets cancer (you get the picture. My poor children are already in the hospital and the doctor is telling Dave and nothing can be done).

Bottom line, life is better when I can think more clearly. So my next question this morning was why I would even consider not taking my meds. Is it rebellion? Is it only the issue I described above? Or something or someone else.

And then my brain jumped to some really sordid thoughts. Sexual abuse seems to plague the news. I thought, what if one of my boys was sexually abused and what if I caused it? Seriously? Why would my mind even go there? That was when I decided Satan was really invading my car this morning.

Right then and there I started praying. It always amazes me how passionate I can get when I tell Satan to take a hike. And then I asked God to send his army of angels to protect me because I was under serious attack this morning.

And then, I was peaceful again, remarkably quickly. And some beautiful thoughts came to my head. First one, my actions always need to be those things that build others up. I should never do ANYTHING that would purposely destroy some one's life. Yes, God can make beauty come out of horrible situations but I would not be able to live with myself if I did something purposely that I knew would have devastating effects on someone else.

I thought about my boys and the challenge I have been given to be their mama. I know that parenthood is a daily process of letting go but to be honest, I find myself wanting to hold them closer and closer all the time. I know I can't slow down time but some days I just want it to stop. I don't want this season of our life to change and yet I know it has to. I know that having children means allowing them to grow up and how important that process is. So after a few tears, I am giving into the fact that I can't stop time and they are going to grow up - they need to. Dave and I are raising the next generation of young men and trying to stop time is teaching them unrealistic expectations. Besides, it would stifle them and ultimately that would make their life harder in the long run.

The process of letting go - sounds like the name of a book on parenthood...