I hate blah days. Makes me ask the question, "what is wrong with me!" I have such a good life. I have a husband who loves me dearly and two boys who I would not trade for anything. I have two dogs that are such good sports. They don't get nearly enough attention but they still love me. I have a decent job that allows my husband to stay home with our boys. I have extended family that loves me. I am very loved. But yet, some days none of that completely matters. Some days I feel like I am just existing. Today is kind of one of those days.
I am going through the motions and getting things done. It is not like a full blown depression but more like a hint of what depression is like. It is a reminder of where I do not want to be. And yet, as I was thinking about this this past weekend (kind of been in a funk all weekend) I had several thoughts run through my head.
1. I am thankful for my seasons of depression. Don't get me wrong, I would not mind if I never had another episode but having been on this journey, I know how others feel. This journey has made me a stronger person. When depression rears its ugly head I know life goes on and depression does not last forever. I know tools to use to move past this and I am thankful for that. One of those tools is medicine. Another is exercise but probably the most beneficial tool I have is prayer. It is when I am quiet and still that God can speak to me. He whispers about his love for me, his daughter. He reminds me of the good gifts I have and is in the process of teaching me how to enjoy those gifts.
2. Accepting good gifts. I have a bit of a problem accepting the good gifts God has given to me. Why is that? I don't feel worthy but to be honest, I am not worthy. I am a sinner in need of grace. What a better example of grace then receiving good gifts in the midst of my sinful nature. Sometimes I find myself fearful that I won't enjoy the gifts and as a result, I don't enjoy them to the fullest. My prayer is that I will enjoy the gifts I have been given and not question them - just accept them. There is so much doom in gloom in this world. It is easier to see that than it is to see the blessings. As my eyes are more opened to the blessings I want to grab ahold of them and LIVE.
3. Serving in church. Yesterday morning I woke up concerned about how much I was serving in church. God answered my prayer question in the service yesterday. Mike, our pastor, reminded us that we can only do a few things really well. Those are the areas we are to be serving. For me, that means I get to serve my family, serve through my work and then serve at church. If it seems a little out of wack I don't think it really is. God has given me a family to take care of. He has also given me a job. As much as I don't like my job some days it is where I get to share the love of Christ through my actions. God has me here for a reason for a season. I might not get to see the fruits of labor but he is working. My hope is that I get to see some of the poeple I work with in heaven one day. God is using me here, I just don't always know how or understand why.
Bottom line. I am loved. That much I do know. One day I will love myself in all kinds of weather. I am a special case and that makes me smile.
Today when I got up, the thought ran through my head that has run through my head often. Good morning Lord. and Satan, watch out. No tellin' what God is going to do with me today to further his kingdom!
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