Word of the Week - Clarity

Interesting how God works. For some time now I have been struggling. It has been a learning struggle. It has been a struggle where I have learned about dependence on God. It has been a time of growing a relationship. It has been a season of dying to myself and allowing my heart to be open to what God has to say. Very slowly and gently he has shown me areas of sin in my life. Very slowly and gently he has asked me to give up some of the old lies I held on to so tightly.

He has opened my eyes to perfection. The first step was acknowledging that sometimes I did not start things, often times I did not, because I could not do them exactly the way I wanted them done, what I deemed perfect. Through a book called "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman I learned perfection keeps us in a place of discouragement. We don't start things because we won't finish them the way we think we should. Instead, we need to strive for excellence. This is a place where we extend grace to ourself.

Enter a lesson about Grace. Grace is something I don't give myself very often. I hold myself to very high expectations. When I don't meet those expectations I feel like I have failed. There in lies the lie. When I don't reach the desirable end result that is okay. Wow. That does not mean I don't give it my best shot. It just means I give myself a little grace. I am not a perfect woman. In fact, I am a broken woman. I have lots of holes. I don't have it all together but I am learning.

Next lesson is about acceptance. Finally, I am accepting myself and my imperfections. I am starting to accept the fact that I have issues with my brain chemicals. I need meds to function fully. I can get by without them but I don't get to enjoy the gifts that God has given me as much because it takes so much energy to overcome the side effects of low seratonin levels. The good news. I can do it. Even better news, I can do it with meds. I have to smile as I say that because it sounds funny. It is funny. It is funny that I have been so obstinent not to take the meds that would help me. It hit me this morning what the problem was, pride.

Possibly the biggest area of growth in me has taken place as God has opened my eyes to the pride in my life. I had a lot. When you are trying to be perfect you are trying so that you can receive the glory for being a good person. You do things at work to receive praise. You do things at home to receive praise. You do things for God so you can get the glory. YIKES! I have heard the cliche for a long time that you should do all things to bring glory to God. however, when I stopped and really looked at my life I realized I was doing exactly the opposite. Everything I was doing was to bring glory to me. I was living off of the alcolades of others. As a result of being off my meds for almost 2 months I have a new dependence on God. It is a true dependence. I have cried more. I have prayed more. I have read more. I have longed to know the truth more and more. I have also learned to listen more. God has so much to say and it is so quietly. Never does he speak harshly to me. HE knows I need a gentle answer and so that is what he gives me. He encourages me whenever no one else is around. He shows me where to find answers to my tough questions. All that he asks is that I listen and follow through. That is easy when you have the Savior of the world as your best friend. Life is bearable. Shoot, sometimes it is every pretty.

So, the latest area in my life where God has revealed my prideful spirit is in the area of my meds and anxiety/depression. I was not taking meds because I wanted to overcome this problem. I was doing it at the expense of my family. God has given me the responsibility to be a wife and a mom. When you are ultra sensitive it is hard to be a wife. When you are weepy it is hard to be a mom. It is also hard to move on in life when you are so exhausted from fighting negative thoughts. For a very long time I have seen meds as a crutch. If my faith was greater I would not need meds. If I exercised more I would not need meds. If I ate better foods I would not need meds. While these things all help the truth is I do need meds. God has so much planned for my life. I don't need to be stuck when I know what will help. It is like withholding chemo from a patient with cancer waiting for God to heal them. Yes, it is very possibly that God would miraculously heal them but honestly, if the meds work it is a miracle too. We sometimes only think of God as a God that rescues us without any intervention. That would be a true miracle we might think. If that isn't putting God in a little box I am not sure what is! God is in control of ALL things. That means he is in charge of meds even coming on the market to bring relief to people. I truly believe God does not want us to suffer. However, because sin entered into the world there will be seasons of suffering. It is up to us what we do with that suffering. Do we continue to depend on Christ and his promise that he loves us and will walk with us through every endeavor or do we try and do it ourself? I have tried both. I really like walking with God.

So, today I feel like I am experiencing clarity. It is a freedom. It is hard to explain but the lie that I can't have a close relationship with God and feel good has been exposed. I can have both and it is only because God is showing me what freedom looks like. Pride. For me, that is where Satan attacks me most. I never would have known if God had not walked me through this season and if I hadn't taken the time for learning. That is not pride but truth.

Word of the Week - Humility

This week, the word that has been at the forefront of my mind has been humility.  I am reading through a book called Breaking Free with two good friends.  This book is all about looking at areas in your life that are in bondage.  First of all, I must admit I did not realize I had so many areas of my life that were in bondage.  The root of this bondage is tied up in pride.  Let me explain.

There are some ideas I have had in life about myself that are now being challenged.  I have always though I need to perform well so my self esteem would be increased.  WRONG.  There is only one reason to do anything and that is to do everything to bring glory to God.  So what does that mean?  when I think about how i want my house to look or think about how sad it is that I don't have a larger home where I can entertain that is pride.  When I think about wanting to stay home and when I really examine why I want to stay home, there is some pride in that mix.  I think I could do a better job of keeping up the home and organizing events.  While some of that is true, that is not where God has called me for right now.  My question needs to be more of how can I bring glory to God in my current situation instead of having a pity party.  When my husband gets upset about something that I think is trivial, do I condemn him or listen?  If I condemn, that is pride.  That says you are silly for feeling the way you do and if you would just listen to me our problems would be solved.  Enter false hoods.

You see, many areas of my life are coated with lies.  Either these are lies that I have believed from childhood or lies that have recently crept into my life.  The truth, the lies keep me in bondage.  It is only by the Grace of God, literally, that I am even here.  That is where my focus has to be.  Otherwise I take undo liberties in promoting myself.  Not cool.  

There are also areas in my life that I am looking at for the first time.  Areas that I dared not look at before because I did not want to look at the problem or the solution.  Denial can be a good place to be sometimes.  However, denial built on more denial leads to bondage and deception.  Beth Moore says in her book that "the worst kind of captive: a prisoner unaware."  That was me!  Even now, as I look at events in my life I am pained.  It is hard to look back and think about why you really love someone or where the lie began.  Then, the next step is to do something with that lie.  Once it is discovered it has to be dealt with.  Otherwise, it festers and depression sinks in.  For me, that means taking my concerns and worries to the cross, literally.  In my mind I picture the cross and when a worry pops in that is out of my control I nail it to that cross.  If the worry is about my husband, I nail it to the cross.  If the worry is about relationships that are struggling I nail it to the cross.  It might sound like I am not dealing with those issues and you would be right.  I am letting God deal with those issues.  I have tried to deal with them for a long time and I end up hidding the issues further and further within my heart.  When I pass them along to God, they are no longer my issues.  Sounds simple.  It honestly gets easier.  As I recognize that something is a worry I am able to pass it along to Christ a little faster.  This keeps the garbage out and the truth in.

I read an intro to a funny book (don't remember the name right now) but it was by Marilyn Myberg.  She said she thinks of the heart as a compartment with a zipper.  On the left side of the zipper is the bad stuff in our lives (thoughts, words, addictions, ect).  On the right side of the zipper is the fruits of the Holy Spirit and the attibutes of Christ.  In the middle is Christ.  As I get to know him more and trust him more the items on the left side move over to the right side.  Interesting.  Bringing this full circle, I can't trust God if I am hanging on to pride.  Pride prevents that free flowing relationship because pride says I can do it myself.  I am here to say I can't do it myself.  I need Jesus to be as close as a call away.  

Word of the Week - Grace

I struggled this week to find the right word to describe it. Thanksgiving ran through my mind, struggle, temptation and then it came to me - Grace.

Grace. What an amazing word. I have heard it mean "God's Riches at Christ's expense." Websters says it means "a virtue coming from God" and "a state of sanctification enjoyed through devine grace." Either way, it is a virtue that comes straight from God - even the dictionary agrees on that!

I have experienced grace from God and from family this week. I had a situation at work that felt like the "friendship" was headed in the wrong direction through words that were spoken. I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to stop the jovial banter before it went any further. The person when confronted was very apologetic.

Then, I had to deal with my guilt. I felt like I had betrayed my husband even though this situation hadn't resulted in sin. I wasn't going to talk to Dave about it because I was afraid he would feel additional pressure to get me out of my work environment. However, after not sleeping for a good portion of the night I decided it was time to chat with him. Enter, Grace.

Dave was incredible gracious. He could have gotten upset. He could have not said anything. Instead, he shared with me his experiences where he could easily fall prey to a similar situation. He was aware of the situations and had set up boundaries so he did not fall into temptation. The conversation did two things for me. One, it allowed me an opportunity to get rid of my guilt by sharing the burden with my husband. Two, it allowed me to see that my husband is just a vulnerable to temptation as I am but he is maturing and recognizes the temptation. I guess there is a third thing too. I feel closer to my husband knowing I can talk with him about these kinds of temptations. He validates me instead of losing trust in me. I really appreciate that.

I have a good hubby and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him regardless of the challenges that come our way. Yesterday, repeatedly the verse that ran through my head was Mark 10:9, "Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate." Oh how true it is.

Word of the Week - Perseverance

I was kind of thinking about what words describe this past week and one pops into mind - PERSEVERANCE.

This is a word the person who married us gave us as we left for Kansas 6 days after our wedding ceramony. He said if there was one piece of advice he would give us it was to persevere. That was a God word in our relationship because it has proven to be what word best describes our relationship.

Dave and I have a relationship of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We both have expectations for ourself and for the other person. When one of us is struggling with our own set of "issues" the expectations are not met and that can cause tension. Great tension at times. Usually it is me who gets so frustrated with Dave when he does not follow through because he is depressed but sometimes I am sure he gets frustrated with me. It is during those times that we must persevere - keep moving forward.

We are such different people which is probably what makes us right for each other. I am a planner and organizer while he flies by the seat of his pants. I like order and stability. He likes those things too but feels like he should be the provider of those things. When he cannot meet his expectation he feels like a failure. That little voice in his head has been screaming rather loudly lately. The thing is, only he can silence that voice. Nothing I say or anyone else says can silence that voice because it is something he has to do. It takes LOTS of work to listen to the truth instead of the lie. I know. I have been there - recently.

On the other side is me. I have been experiencing levels of anger lately. Anger over my job. Anger of my husband. Anger over a stupid car that we just poured money into but is basically ready for the junk yard. Anger of the miscarriage. The thinks I was sad over a few days ago have now turned into things I am angry about. I hate being angry. That isn't who I want to be but as I have posted before, emotions are there for a reason. In the past I would just stuff my anger. Bury it. This time I am allowing myself to feel that anger. It doesn't feel good but I think there is probably healing that comes with being willing to at least acknowledge the feelings. The feeling is there for a reason. On this side of heaven things aren't going to be fair. Things are going to happen. That is part of life. Sometimes it just feels like the stresses of life are burdensome and very heavy.

So, what is the next step in this journey? We must persevere. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other. We must acknowledge our feelings and present them to Christ. We must keep moving forward. It was very intersting that the Proverbs 31 ministries devotional was on a very similiar topic this morning. That is kind of like a note from God to me. I love it when he does that. It is like a love, tangable note. It says to me, "I heard your prayer this morning and I know your heart. You are not alone and it is okay to feel the way you do. This too shall pass and on the other side you will have the knowledge and experience to share with others. Besides, emotions are normal. They are part of life and something special I created. Your life is more complete when you allow yourself to feel all the feelings instead of just the "good" feelings. How would you understand how poeple feel that do allow themselves to experience emotions? Feelings create empathy and that is a powerful gift. That is how relationships are grown. You are a woman of relationships. That is one of the reasons I have created you. Embrace that gift."

So, we persevere not always because we want to but because it is the right thing to do in moving forward. It is the next right step.

WOW. What an emotional month...

Do you ever feel like something is wrong with you because of emotions? The emotion I am referring to at present is the emotion that produces tears, both good and bad. I once believed that tears were a bad thing and I sometimes still wonder. They signify something is wrong or that something has been wrong. They are an emotional release of energy. I have always equated tears with depression but I am starting to think that is not always the case. Sometimes tears reflect the heart of a person. When someone you love is struggling with something the tears are a sign that yes, I understand what you are going through. I know it is not fun and I wish I could change it for you but I can't. It says I am willing to walk beside you and hold your hand beause I don't know how to do anything differently. It says I will pray for you and my heart hurts for you.

That is kind of where I am at right now. If you have read this post for awhile you know it is about emotions and feelings that creep up on me. Sometimes I try to explain the feelings away. Sometimes I move past the feelings by writing and sometimes I own the feelings. Today, I am owning my feelings because they are ligit.

This month has been a tough, tough month. We had a miscarriage and then we took a trip to visit my family, the second trip in two weeks. Augh.... I love my family dearly but they wear me out. They wear my husband out even more. There is this drive to be better than the next person. The competition is almost unbearable at times. My husband is pushed aside in some ways because no one understands his struggles. No one understands the sacrifices he is making right now. No one seems to understand that finding a job is more than just settling for what comes about. Sure, he could settle for any old job but he and I both want him to have the right one.

Granted, he puts pressures on himself, tremendous pressures and I know I contribute to that sometimes. I have it in my head that if he had a job and I got to stay home life would be oh so perfect. However, the reality is that is not necessarily the case. Yes, I would enjoy being a wife, mom and friend and not going to work. However, there are struggles that come with the isolation of being at home. We would get into a routine and that would be good but I know there are struggles that would come.

Getting back to this weekend, my brothers just don't understand. They don't understand why my husband doesn't give me exactly what I want and isn't willing to move everything in order to give me that. They don't understand that we truly believe God is in control of this situation and that means sometimes doing things against the norm. They do not understand why I am not so dogmatic with my husband and demanding.

The truth, I love my husband very much. I HATE it when people try and put a wedge between us, even when that someone is me. I love the man God has made Dave to be and the pressures he feels probably serve two purposes. The first might be so that he doesn't become stagnant and the second is because he does have tremendous responsibilities. The Bible is very explicit about his role. That is a tremendous amount of pressure that many men never even consider.

So, where does that leave me with my emotions. Who knows. The sun is shining, my son is down for a nap and I think I am going to pull some weeds. The tears will come and the tears will go but one thing I know for sure, God is right beside me, holding my hands and willing to listen to me. That is where I find my peace. When life is out of control He is still in control.

Ironic, I think not....

So this morning I was praying about my situation at work.  Typically I pray and then read the Bible.  This morning was no different.  Both the old and New Testament directly related to my situation at work.  In 2 Samuel 9 David has the opportunity to show kindness to anyone left in Saul's household.  There is only one person and he is crippled, Mephibosheth.  Not only does David ask him to live in the palace with him the rest of his life but he also gives back the land that belonged to Saul and his family.  He even included the servants from the house of Ziba, Saul's servants.  They were to care for the land.

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What this says to me is that even when someone persecutes you it is still time to do the right thing.  For David, a man who had been almost killed by Saul several times, he understood that when he made a promise to Jonathon he was going to keep that promise.  A man true to his word.  I can learn a lot from that.

The next chapter talks about David sending some amabassadors to the Ammonites to show sympathy for the King Nahash.  When the ambassadors arrived some advisors of the new king were afraid of what was going on.  They created a story saying the ambassadors were really spies sent to scope out the best way to overtake the city.  I can understand David's frustration a little bit.  His intentions were pure and what would be expected.  The advisors to the new king could not believe there wasn't alterior motives.  Why would they think any different?  They would not send an ambassador to the people of Isreal without a hidden agenda.

I relate to this because there are times I do things because I feel like the Holy Spirit is prompting me to do them.  As a result, I think people often times think I have a hidden agenda.  Honestly my agenda is to get along with others and to point them towards Christ.  That is hard to do when those people just don't understand.

Fast forward to the New Testament reading, again along the same lines.  The idea that these ladies I work with really don't know any better.  Luke 13:48 talks specifically about people who don't know any better.  They will be judged less harshly because they don't know the good news.  They don't know that they are doing wrong.  They don't have the same moral code I do.  I wish I didn't care but I do.  The pain comes into play when I forget that they really don't know any better.  My job is to continue to be myself.  Eventually that will speak louder than words.  In the mean time, I can continue to pray for strength to get me through this season at work.  I can continue to pray that the Holy Spirit would fill the aisles at work and would comfort those who are hurting.  I can pray that these people would see Jesus some how.  Those are my prayers.  All three of those only require one thing from me, obedience to stay true to the course.

Sweet Friends = Sweet Therapy

So, there is only one friend that I know of that knows me better than anyone else except maybe Dave. Today was emotionally exhausting but full of blessings. It is ending on a blessing. A phone call from a good friend. Not only was it a phone call but it was a phone call that came in two parts. The first part was a quick how are you doing/small talk but she followed up after she put her kids to bed in an amazing 17 minutes! That told me I was a priority to her. That made me feel very special and loved.

Not only did we get to talk about the miscarriage which actually happened to be the shortest part probably of our conversation but I got to share with her my struggles at work, something that is so close to my heart. She passed along a reminder that she had been given. The people I work with, the majority of them are probably not Christians. They do not have a set of standards that they live by. With that said, they honestly don't know any better. They treat people the way the do because that is how they have been treated. Anyone that treats them differently might be a breath of fresh air for awhile but eventually that person becomes intimidating. They become somewhat scary because there is something different about them (them being me). Please don't get me wrong. I am not boastful at all about my relationship with Christ because the closer I get to Him the more I see that I need him and how I don't have a clue about him. There are times when I feel like a baby Christian still on milk. Thankfully, those times are fewer and farther between but it is because of His grace and patience with me. It is also because I want something different for myself and my family. I want Christ to be the center of my life. That trumps all pressures - as strong as they might be at times.

I shared with my friend that almost daily as I walk into work I picture God opening his hand to mine, taking my hand and walking into work with me. There have been so many times where I have been prompted to pray that the Holy Spirit would fill the aisles. It honestly feels a little weird for me to pray that prayer but it is what has popped into my head and what I feel the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart. Maybe no one else prays for these people. Maybe that is part of my work at COUNTRY Financial.

I must be honest, the emotional job is tough. There are many, many days where I am ready to throw in the towel. There are days where I catch myself behaving poorly just like the people I do not enjoy being around. I would trade my job in a heartbeat and honestly, not look back. God has me there for a reason for this season. I hope the season changes soon but this challenge has definitely brought me closer to Christ. For that I am very thankful.

I can now go to bed refreshed.  Thank you Jesus.