Excitement and Hope

Today was an interesting day. I called about a counseling appointment with one lady who happens to not be with this group any more but was put in touch with a different lady who I think is going to be perfect for me. I called today and actually had my first appointment today. As I sat and talked and told her what my goals were she was understanding and encouraging. She even gave me homework! I am kind of excited to work on it because even though I know it is sometimes tough to look back and reflect on the past there is something back there I need to deal with so I can move on and be the woman God created me to be. I am that woman now but I feel like there is so much more He can do through me if I can allow him.

Tonight Dave is out of town on a disc golf trip, the last overnighter of the year (I think) so it is just Will, me and the dogs. I decided to do a spur of the moment dinner invite. I had some friends over that live a short distance from us. Will and I walked over to invite them and they accepted. I made some chicken dish and rice and a salad. It was fun to put it together. The house was not a mess so I did not have lots of cleaning up to do. The only problem, I could hardly keep my eyes open. My body is tired. Hopefully good sleep will be the result tonight.

Victory In Christ

So, it has been a little bit of a long night. I have slept, a little bit but for the most part, I have rested. In doing so, my mind shifts to God. I picture him holding me in his arms and loving on me. It is a sweet picture and one of my favorites.

In thinking about that, I began to think about what Victory in Christ means. To me, it means being a conquerer over tough times. It means freedom. It means relying on Christ, not myself to overcome obsticles. For example, not sleeping well is an obsticle. It means tomorrow will be a rough day but when I turn it into a competition, it becomes a time to be victorious. When I am really tired and trying to stay awake at work, I have to depend on God to keep my eyes open. Sometimes that means getting up and going for a walk. That means allowing the sun to bask on my face and that always makes me smile. Sometimes that means just walking around the office (if it is raining outside). Sometimes it means laying my head down on my desk and closing my eyes for a few minutes. Sometimes it means going into the bathroom and splashing some water on my face.

What it does not mean is to worry. Looking at this as a challenge can be tough. I think about the fact that Dave will be gone this weekend so it is just Will and me and the pups. Will I have the energy to take care of my responsibilities. On my own, probably not but when I cry out to Christ for help, he always leads me on the right path.

I have also come to a conclusion. It is time to deal with this anxiety. There is something that triggers it and when that emotion surfaces it scares me. After talking to a good friend who happens to be a nurse practitioner, we decided I shouldl go back on the meds but should get some counseling to deal with this. There is an underlying issue that I have not dealt with. That is what I want to get to the bottom of. I thought I had dealt with all my issues but there are definitely some still there. The victory is in discovering what is hindering me and presssing on with that knowledge. I feel there is so much more God wants to do with my life but I have to "deal" with this issue and I need some outside help. My friend gave me the name of a good counselor that she and her husband have gone to in the past. She is a Christian counselor and when I read her website I teared up. She is a nurse and a counselor. She has experience in dealing with all kinds of situations from eating disorders to post tramatic stress syndrome to everything in between and she counsels by sharing the love and gentleness of Christ with her counselees. I am so excited to get started and unpeel yet another layer of the onion.

Random Thoughts

I am on an intersting path right now. I have been off of some medicine for anxiety for some time now. Every once-in-awhile I will get a twinge that causes me to think, maybe I should still be on the medicine but I have noticed something. I don't need the meds to be successful in coping with my anxiety. Infact, I think in some ways the meds do me a disservice because I don't feel. My emotions are pacified. Sometimes the angry emotion is not but the joy and the excitement for life tend to fade into the distance.

This is something I have only recently realized. I have been off the meds for probably 6, maybe 8 months now. It has only been in the last month that I have had a few bouts of anxiety and it is usually because of a situation. For example, a few weeks ago I had a bout. It was the week after we had been down to Johnson City to visit some family, Will was not eating well and we had our neice from Huntsville up for a visit. I was overwelmed and stressed. Stress resulted in anxiety.

More recently I had a day where I just felt a little anxious. That subsided. I took one anxiety med that is not suppose to work for some time once it has been out of your system and I was back to normal. That made me go, ummm. What is it about anxiety that scares me so much?

I know what it is. I had an experience a number of years ago where anxiety and depression took over my being. Death was knocking on my door. My emotions were so raw that I did not even know what to feel. I was so lonely and scared. Medicine helped, signifigantly. I was able to get back on my feet and feel like a real person so that I could deal with some of my issues. While the issues are mostly resolved, that feeling creeps up and scares the snot out of me.

There I said it. I am afraid of anxiety. I am afraid of what it can do to my body. However, fear fuels anxiety and the cycle continues. I can be enslaved to the feeling of anxiety, or I can pacify my feelings and never again experience the joy that comes with freedom.

Let me explain. Recently, as in today and yesterday, I experienced a joy that I have not felt in a long time. It is a joy that says, yes, you can do anything you put your mind to. It is a joy that seeks Christ and finds refuge in him. It is a joy that only comes from him. Since last October I have been praying that God would fill our home with his Love, Joy and Peace. Only now do I realize that my home is in my heart. When Christ fills my heart with his love, joy and peace I am a new woman, free from fear of the past. It is at this point that I can do all that God has called me to do and to be. I notice I am more gentle and peaceful but because I am on the verge of this discovery, Satin is playing with me. Do I go for the meds or do I surrender to Christ. I want to surrender to Christ and enjoy the range of emotions he has created us to feel. That is what I want to do.

Can I really give this completely up to Him? Trust is not the issue. I trust him with my whole heart. If that is really true, do I trust him to turn the fear into rejoicing and times of celebration? Could that really happen? I hope with all my heart it can because I love feeling joy and peace. I love feeling love.

So, where does this love and joy come from. Straight from God. Without him I am hopelessly lost. That is when I fall back on meds to help me get through my day. That is when I get discouraged and feel dispair. That is when I begin to feel overwelmed with life and all it has to offer. It is then that I cry out to Christ, but why wait? What if I cried out to Christ every morning and asked him to specifically bless my day? What if I prayed for peace and joy to overflow in my life everyday and believed he could do it? What would happen to my family if I allowed Christ to fully work in my life? What if....

I think I will give it a try. God is so good and he won't give me more than I can handle. I also believe he will fully lead me back to medication if that is what I need to do. It is not that I am against it because I know it helps people all the time. I just think there is more to life that I am missing out on because I am afraid of one little emotion.

What are you afraid of???

My Best Friend

The image that came to mind tonight was Jesus choosing me for his team. He said, "Hey Em, I want you on my team. I want you to play for me. I believe you are the best one for the job I have prepared but I need to be your captain. I need to teach you and lead you. Apart from me, you will fall every time. The time requirement is minimal but very important. I need you to spend time with me every morning so that you are briefed on the upcomings for the day. I don't want you to go at this alone or be blind sided so you have to show up for the meetings. Excuses will only hurt you and prevent you from doing the best I have for you to do."

This seems simple enough so why is it so hard? Why do I have such a hard time committing to God? I can commit to my husband, my child and my friends. My most important relationship in this world should be with the "team captain." He is in charge of my team. He is incharge of the relationships in my life. He is in charge of my life. But boy do I struggle with this.

It is about a choice. Daily, I make lots of choices. When I give God a few minutes in the morning it affects the choices I make throughout the day in a positive way. I have noticed that my attitude towards people is different. I am not so short or quick to judge. When I don't spend that few minutes in the morning with God, not only do I suffer but so does those around me.

Pride kicks in. YUCK. It is dirty and heavy. While some pride is good, the kind of pride I experience when I "do it on my own" is dirty. There is no other word for it. I feel dusty and in need of good pledging. I love it when I dust (once in a blue moon - if even that often). It smells so clean an makes the room shine. That is what I am in need of and I get that every time I turn to God.

Turning to Christ is a special thing for me. He is so gentle with me and patient. He welcomes me with open arms every single time. All I have to say is "Lord, I have fallen away from you again. I need to be back in your presence because I need your guidence and direction" and as if I was never away he welcomes me back. He holds me in his arms as a daddy would hold his daughter and with a smile on his face says, "boy I am glad to have you home! I have missed you."

I hate to say it but this falling away happens often and that is where I come into the picture. I am weak but he is strong. Sometimes, often times, more often than I care to think about, I put on the "strong" hat. While I think I can wear it successfully for awhile it is only a short time before I realize, nope, apart from Christ I can do nothing.

So, I just happened to read the Daily Bread this morning already and low and behold, it was about Paul and his friend, Odeicious. Odecious had been up and down on a roller coaster ride with Christ. He was back where he needed to be with his relationship with Christ and had been called to be Paul's voice to the Philemons. As I read the scripture and brief devotional what I had been contemplating was confirmed. Sometimes we stray but Jesus always welcomes me back into the flock and daily teaches me about himself and how I can share that with others through actions alone. eventually I might get to use words but for the most part, my actions speak very loudly. People are always watching me to see how I will respond. I respond so much better when I have conferenced with Christ first!

Thought to Ponder

I just love it when I get an email from a friend I haven't heard from in a long time. Actually, I had written her to ask for some prayer about a few things and she emailed back. Her note was so encouraging and yet, it hardly said anything. It was more the fact that she said she was praying for me and I knew she would.

She is a mentor that I met with once every month or so when she was in Bloomington. She and her husband with their daughters have moved down to the Dominican Republic to be missionaries. She is super busy down there especially right now with summer mission trips coming down but she had the time to email me back. I was blessed because she took some time out of her day. She is older and wiser and a blessing to anyone she comes into contact with. The people in the DR are blessed to have her.

She is an example of a godly woman with a heart of gold. She has her struggles but she finds herself at the cross at each cross roads. I have learned a lot from her. I have learned the importance of prayer and how it works. When I am out of patience and need a small glimpse of reality she gently shifts me back in the right direction. She is a blessing to me.

I pray that one day I can be that person to someone. Life is tough. We need friends. We need each other. In the end, God's work is carried out and it is good.

A Growing, Somber Day

Today was one of those weird days were I was emotional. Not crabby but actually teary. It doesn't happen very often so when it does it throws me into a little bit of a tail spin. So, I journaled. I tried to figure out what was bothering me at the root. On the surface things bothering me included my son not eating well and feeling responsible, being tired because of a long week at work prior to a long weekend out of town, and worried about my relationship with my husband. The problem was/is deeper than that. The problem lies within my heart.

I have this problem. I like to be responsible for everything and everyone. Maybe it is the big sister in me or maybe it is a control issue or both. Regardless, it tends to creep up every now and again. I want to tell me son he has to eat from me and I want him to do it. I want to tell my husband to find a job and for him to do it. I want to tell me to lose weight and then do it. That would be so simple, or would it. Do I really want all the responsibility for my husband and my little boy? An absolute NO!

This is where God comes into the picture. When Will was born Dave and I felt an incredible responsibility to look to God for his guidence in raising this little boy into a man God would be proud of. Will is God's child and as much as I love him, he does not belong to me. As I write that I get tears in my eyes. I have to trust God to do what is best for this little boy. I also have to trust God to lead our family. I look to Dave for leadership. I so badly want him to step up to the plate and create structure in our family with goals. But, that is not Dave. This not who he is. So, what do I do with that? I have to love him for who he is. He loves video games. He loves Will. He loves me. Sometimes I get so tied up in what he is not doing to meet my expectations that I forget what he is doing. Just now, for example, he called me because he wanted to talk with me. We talked Disc Golf. Maybe we can go to a tournament together. We need some together time.

So, time to sign off. God is good. Dave is good. Will is good and so am I. Sometimes I just need to write it out...

God's Presence this time around

This week thus far has been very intersting, insightful and healing. Dave has been gone and I have been home with Will, which I love, but it can be challenging at times. The challenge comes into play when I stop, take a deep breath and allow God to work in my life. Let me explain.

I am very good at taking situations by the horns and trying to control the outcome. That take control mentality often leaves me alone, and bitter. I look around, particularly at my husband, and question why he does not do some of the things I think he should. I am doing so much. Look at me. Praise me because I have my act together. And then, inevidable, I find myself at the feet of God asking for forgiveness.

You see, it is a cycle for me. I start out at God's feet, asking for his help with a situation, usually when anxiety is involved. My anxiety is curtailed, to the point of none existance. Instead of praising God and moving forward with him I find myself take back control. I get the "I can do it" mentality which, because it is on my own, results in the human emotions of bitterness, anger, depression and down right grumpiness which brings me full circle and back to the feet of God.

With Dave gone this week I have had some serious quiet, alone time, and I haven't been able to run. That is important because running is a great way for me to deal with anxiety on a human level. Interestingly enough, Mike's sermon this past week, the part that I heard, was about finding a quiet spot and communing with God. I was forced into that this week a little bit but I so badly needed it. I needed to be refreshed by the Holy Spirit. I close my eyes and picture myself running to his open arms as a daddy would his child. He scoops me up in a fatherly hug and says, "boy I have missed you. Welcome home."

While I have been in this place in the past I have never felt a "welcome home" quite like this. God is all smiles when he reaches down for me. I say I am sorry for being gone for so long and not accepting his help and he smiles and says, you are forgiven. I have and always will love you as if you were my only child. And only by the grace of God, this time I accept his forgiveness. I accept his open arms. I accept his love. I accept his grace. I accept his peace. I accept his rest.

Do I really need to follow this same path again and again before I get it, God is the only way to succeed in this life?