A Growing, Somber Day

Today was one of those weird days were I was emotional. Not crabby but actually teary. It doesn't happen very often so when it does it throws me into a little bit of a tail spin. So, I journaled. I tried to figure out what was bothering me at the root. On the surface things bothering me included my son not eating well and feeling responsible, being tired because of a long week at work prior to a long weekend out of town, and worried about my relationship with my husband. The problem was/is deeper than that. The problem lies within my heart.

I have this problem. I like to be responsible for everything and everyone. Maybe it is the big sister in me or maybe it is a control issue or both. Regardless, it tends to creep up every now and again. I want to tell me son he has to eat from me and I want him to do it. I want to tell my husband to find a job and for him to do it. I want to tell me to lose weight and then do it. That would be so simple, or would it. Do I really want all the responsibility for my husband and my little boy? An absolute NO!

This is where God comes into the picture. When Will was born Dave and I felt an incredible responsibility to look to God for his guidence in raising this little boy into a man God would be proud of. Will is God's child and as much as I love him, he does not belong to me. As I write that I get tears in my eyes. I have to trust God to do what is best for this little boy. I also have to trust God to lead our family. I look to Dave for leadership. I so badly want him to step up to the plate and create structure in our family with goals. But, that is not Dave. This not who he is. So, what do I do with that? I have to love him for who he is. He loves video games. He loves Will. He loves me. Sometimes I get so tied up in what he is not doing to meet my expectations that I forget what he is doing. Just now, for example, he called me because he wanted to talk with me. We talked Disc Golf. Maybe we can go to a tournament together. We need some together time.

So, time to sign off. God is good. Dave is good. Will is good and so am I. Sometimes I just need to write it out...