Random Thoughts

I am on an intersting path right now. I have been off of some medicine for anxiety for some time now. Every once-in-awhile I will get a twinge that causes me to think, maybe I should still be on the medicine but I have noticed something. I don't need the meds to be successful in coping with my anxiety. Infact, I think in some ways the meds do me a disservice because I don't feel. My emotions are pacified. Sometimes the angry emotion is not but the joy and the excitement for life tend to fade into the distance.

This is something I have only recently realized. I have been off the meds for probably 6, maybe 8 months now. It has only been in the last month that I have had a few bouts of anxiety and it is usually because of a situation. For example, a few weeks ago I had a bout. It was the week after we had been down to Johnson City to visit some family, Will was not eating well and we had our neice from Huntsville up for a visit. I was overwelmed and stressed. Stress resulted in anxiety.

More recently I had a day where I just felt a little anxious. That subsided. I took one anxiety med that is not suppose to work for some time once it has been out of your system and I was back to normal. That made me go, ummm. What is it about anxiety that scares me so much?

I know what it is. I had an experience a number of years ago where anxiety and depression took over my being. Death was knocking on my door. My emotions were so raw that I did not even know what to feel. I was so lonely and scared. Medicine helped, signifigantly. I was able to get back on my feet and feel like a real person so that I could deal with some of my issues. While the issues are mostly resolved, that feeling creeps up and scares the snot out of me.

There I said it. I am afraid of anxiety. I am afraid of what it can do to my body. However, fear fuels anxiety and the cycle continues. I can be enslaved to the feeling of anxiety, or I can pacify my feelings and never again experience the joy that comes with freedom.

Let me explain. Recently, as in today and yesterday, I experienced a joy that I have not felt in a long time. It is a joy that says, yes, you can do anything you put your mind to. It is a joy that seeks Christ and finds refuge in him. It is a joy that only comes from him. Since last October I have been praying that God would fill our home with his Love, Joy and Peace. Only now do I realize that my home is in my heart. When Christ fills my heart with his love, joy and peace I am a new woman, free from fear of the past. It is at this point that I can do all that God has called me to do and to be. I notice I am more gentle and peaceful but because I am on the verge of this discovery, Satin is playing with me. Do I go for the meds or do I surrender to Christ. I want to surrender to Christ and enjoy the range of emotions he has created us to feel. That is what I want to do.

Can I really give this completely up to Him? Trust is not the issue. I trust him with my whole heart. If that is really true, do I trust him to turn the fear into rejoicing and times of celebration? Could that really happen? I hope with all my heart it can because I love feeling joy and peace. I love feeling love.

So, where does this love and joy come from. Straight from God. Without him I am hopelessly lost. That is when I fall back on meds to help me get through my day. That is when I get discouraged and feel dispair. That is when I begin to feel overwelmed with life and all it has to offer. It is then that I cry out to Christ, but why wait? What if I cried out to Christ every morning and asked him to specifically bless my day? What if I prayed for peace and joy to overflow in my life everyday and believed he could do it? What would happen to my family if I allowed Christ to fully work in my life? What if....

I think I will give it a try. God is so good and he won't give me more than I can handle. I also believe he will fully lead me back to medication if that is what I need to do. It is not that I am against it because I know it helps people all the time. I just think there is more to life that I am missing out on because I am afraid of one little emotion.

What are you afraid of???