God has been so good to me lately. He is taking me on a journey that leads straight to his leadings and promptings. Without him, I am very lost and for awhile I have been without him.
I believed a lie that I think many people believe. It is a lie that engages pride. It is a lie that says, "I can do it on my own and I don't need any help." It is a little lie that is like a weed. It begins with confidence, which in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, when the weed is not torn out it begins to take over the garden of the heart and the home of the Holy Spirit. When that happens, Christ gets lost in the shuffle.
Don't get me wrong. He is always there but my focus is not. My focus is on the pride. My focus is on what I don't have instead of what God has blessed me with. My focus is on the past instead of "forgetting the past and straining towards what is ahead." While the past is the building blocks that make us who we are the past is gone. It cannot change the future. We can learn from the past but we can't have the past back to make things better.
Instead, we can look at the future as a clean slate. We can look at the present as a clean slate and enjoy every moment of it. I am reading a book right now by Charles Swindoll called Laugh Again. It is about finding joy in potentially joyless situations. It is about looking for the truth in every situation and standing firm on the grounds that God is in control. While that is a cliche that many people toss around I have been challenged to take that thought out for a test drive. Join me on this journey.
If God is in control, then he has a reason for me to still be working at COUNTRY Financial. If God is in control, he is working on Dave to mold him and make him into the man He needs for his kingdom. If God is in control God will put the people in my life and in Dave's life to help us on the adventure. If God is in control, Will will grow up knowing that God loves him and so do his mommy and daddy. If God is in control he is in charge of when additional Owens children come along. If God is in control He will use my past to further His kingdom. If God is in control, I have nothing to worry about because all that happens is for His kingdom.
There is a great deal of freedom when I realize that God is in Control. It frees me up to be able to enjoy life instead of second guessing it. It allows me to enjoy the day the Lord has made instead of fretting over it. It allows me to smile at the days ahead because God knows what is going to happen and has it under control. It allows me to hand over a part of me that I have I have held on to very tightly, the pride.
No longer is it about me. It is about God working through me. When I can give God the glory I feel real joy. When I am in a situation and I see God working, I see real joy and experience excitement.
Now for anger. Have you ever been so angry at someone that you did not even realize you were? You loved this person so much but you were angry at them. You were hurt by choices they had made and you felt somewhat responsible for those choices. You found yourself manipulating various situations so that this person who you loved would be happy.
I recently discovered I was very angry at someone I loved very much. I was angry at my husband. I wanted to badly to fix him and I did not even realize I was trying. I wanted to make life nice for him so that he would not have to worry his head about anything. I wanted to be responsible for him and took great responsibility of his feelings. However, that is not true love. That created incredible anger and resentment in my heart. I was about to explode with anger but instead of exploding I stuffed it a little deeper and a little deeper until I did not even realize I was angry. When anxiety would surface I would look at it and ignore it. I might spend a little time with God here or there but I could handle it on my own (pride). Finally, I broke down. I sobbed my eyes out. I was so angry. I was so resentful and I did not want to be. I was so sorry for feeling the way I did but I did feel that way. It was time to own up to what I was feeling.
I am learning that feelings are okay. That sounds silly but the only feelings I want to feel are good ones. Who doesn't. But, that is not life. God did not create only a few feelings for us to feel. Shoot, he felt incredible feelings as he died on the cross for my sins. It would have been bad enough if it was only for my sins but he died for every one's sins. The heaviness of that decision is more than I can comprehend and never want to comprehend. I about had a nervous breakdown by carrying only one persons burdens. It is only God who can carry all of our burdens. What a freedom to know he is in control.
So, where does that leave me? I have a new appreciation for the God of the universe. As I closed my eyes and was praying this morning I was overcome with a sense of awe I have never felt. I felt incredibly privileged to be in His presence. I think of what an honor it would be to meet with President Bush and God is so much greater than that. I experienced an incredible sense of awe and amazement that was super special. And at the same time, this same God lives in me and is so personal. He comes to my rescue at a moments notice. When I call he always answers. I never have to go to voicemail. He is transforming the way I think and allowing me the opportunity to have more of a personal relationship with Him. He is my strength. Satan might try to bombard me and he has but God stands firm. He is my rock. He is my stronghold. He is my King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is my Protector. He is also my best friend. What an amazing God we serve.
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