Misc Thoughts

Last night as I was journaling it hit me in a different way. It was an an oh my moment. The definition of mom was redefined for me. When Will was born I became his mom but last night I experienced what it truly means to be a mom. I experienced letting go of that little guy a little bit more. Every day is an exercise in letting go a little more but last night was a defined stopping point of an activity I have been doing with him since he was born. I weaned him completely. And a part of my heart is sad.

I am a little sad because this activity was something only I could do with Will. It was something very special between me and him. It connected us in a way that I had never been connected to someone before. I provided nurishment to him. Granted, there were sacrifices. But they were well worth it. The sacrifices were nothing compared to the joy it gave me and the satisfaction of taking care of my little guy. And he let me.

So, I was thinking about how this correlates to Christ. God is in the process of refining us. That means going through some tough times. That means He choose to give his Son up for my salvation - eternal salvation with Him. That is such a gift and so satisfying. But, there is a cost for this freedom. The cost, God had to let his only son die. Oh my goodness. His death was something his Father did. This is where I know God is so much bigger than anything I can imagine. I cannot imagine watching my son die for the sins of many people who don't or won't acknowsledge him. I would be so angry and disheartened. But, there is joy in this journey. God saw the sins of all of his children and wanted to save all of them but could only do that through the sacrifice of his Son. He let go. In fact, he separated himself completely from his Son for three whole days. Life without God for three days - the thought is so saddening.

And to think I am one of God's children. He loves me so much that he sent his only Son to die for a sinner like me. He holds me in his arms and walks with me through all my trials. He gives me compassion and a gentle spirit. He teaches me but not without some struggles. The verse that comes to mind is the one about perserverance so that we can encourage others when they could through similar struggles. There will be struggles but how we deal with them, whether we turn to God or turn to other things, that is what will change us and make us more into the children God desires us to be. Becoming more like Christ is a day by day process. Eventually, I will wake up and have an aw-ha moment and the love of Christ will overflow in my life. The difference between that now and then, I will be changed because I will better comprehend his love for me.

My walk through motherhood is teaching me more about God's love for me. When I look into Will's eyes and he laughs it makes me laugh. When he is crying I want to provide whatever he needs. God is the same. He wants to provide and change lives. The process takes time - a life time.