12 Weeks - and counting...

Wow. I can't believe we are already at 12 weeks! The last 8 weeks have flown by which tells me the next eight will probably do the same. And I am so excited. In these next twelve weeks I should be able to start to feel the baby move. I think I am looking forward to that more than anything. To feel a baby inside moving around is amazing. I look forward to when Dave can feel the baby and when Will can. Every step makes it more real.

Yesterday I got to see the little monkey moving around in there. It was so fun. I saw him or her arching their back and kicking their little legs. Then, it was very quiet for some time as it nuzzled closer to me inside a little pocket. There is plenty of room in there right now but it wanted to snuggle. Will use to do the same thing. I don't mind. My babies can snuggle with me as long as they want and whenever they want (even before I get to snuggle with them). The heartbeat is starting to slow down. It was down to 153 yesterday down from the highest of 183 and more recently, 173. I remember, Will's did the same thing. Once it got in the 140's it stayed there which is probably a good thing since they don't like it to go much lower than that.

When asked about how I was feeling yesterday the answer was just tired. I feel more tired now that I did earlier on even though I know I was very, very tired then too. Our schedule is a little too full at the moment with the normal day to day activities. I use the weekend to catch up on sleep and house hold chores. That poor laundry, it just doesn't get done unless it is the weekend. Thankfully, we have enough clothes to get us through so not a huge deal - just something to do.

Last week I moved into my maternity clothes. I could still wear my pants but the shirts were just not long enough. So, maternity clothes it is. They are too big at the moment but more comfortable than stressing about my fly being open because I have elastic holding my button together. Besides, I can wear the clothes with pride. Am I showing? Yes. Am I showing to people who don't know I am pregnant? Not yet. That is okay. Keeping them guessing is kind of fun!

When I think about how we have been blessed, I have a new perspective on being a mom. It is an honor, not a chore. It is a priviledge, not a burden. To feel the love of a child is something I cannot articulate. It is similar to the love I have for my husband but entirely different. I think it is more the like the love God has for us, his children. You can't describe it but you know it is there and it is amazing. Thank you Lord for the gift of children.

You Just Never Know What a Day Holds...

Today started out very early. Will woke up around 3 am because he was cold and after that, I could not go back to sleep. I was thinking about work - grrr.... The stressful situation has not resolved itself. There was a position open in the department but under a different supervisor. This particular supervisor is very laid back but with the good comes the more challenging. There would be very little if any room for advancement or movement. So, that is out. I need a challenge and this job would not provide that for me.

As the day evolved one of the meetings we had involved splitting up our territories amongst five people. For the most part it was a very amicable meeting until the one girl that requires extra grace started spouting off how she was going to be more busy because she had areas that were more challenging. Well, that left a sour taste in everyones mouth. For some reason, it did not bother me.

Fast forward to this afternoon. Tomorrow I was scheduled to have a laparoscopy (however that is spelled) to see what is the issue with me not getting pregnant. I had to do some pre-testing before the surgery to make sure my hemoglobin was where it should be and that I wasn't pregnant. If either of these came back with issues the surgery was off. I joked with the nurse, Kelly - my favorite nurse at the office, that wouldn't it be funny if I was pregnant and then we would not have to worry about this. She said I would be her favorite pre surgery visit if that was the case. We were so sure the surgery would be on that I peed in the cup after the blood was drawn.

I had some paperwork insurance wise I had to take care of so I was chatting with the insurance lady when the nurses found out that indeed, one of my tests came back positive and it wasn't the hemoglobin test! Kelly was so shocked not only did she take three different tests and one from a brand new box, she also had a nurse in the office who was not pregnant pee in a cup so they could make sure it wasn't a fluke. Kelly called me and left a voicemail on my phone. I had left it in the car. She said I needed to call her ASAP but didn't state why. I kind of had a hunch. Why else would she call? As soon as I answered she asked me where I was and said I needed to come back in for more blood work. Thankfully (and this is a God thing) I checked my phone when I got into the car. I saw a call and even checked voice mail. Honestly, I don't always do that - rarely in fact so this is truly a God thing! I went back into the office and joked with the receptionist that I liked hanging out at the office :). Kelly wanted to do a HCG test stat so we could see what we were dealing with. The main concern was the progesterone level. Historically mine have been low. Even two weeks ago when I thought I might be ovulating I went in for a test and the count was low leading us to conclude I had not ovulated. That level was checked as well.

I love my doctor's office! Kelly said she would call me if she got the results before she left or Dr. Nord would call me if it was after she had left. About 6:15 pm I got a call from Kelly. She said she had stayed to get the results because she was just in shock that this was happening. My numbers even looked good. My HCG level was over 200 which was so cool because with my miscarriage last year they never got about 100. My progesterone level was 14 which is lower than the 20 they want but not as low as they were expecting. So, I am on progesterone twice a day but the bottom line I AM PREGNANT!!!!!

God is so good. He has truly orchestrated this entire journey. He always does but honestly, on paper and scientifically, I should not be pregnant. Dave actually saw my ovulation test which was a very faint line - I did not even see it. My progesterone level came back normal after ovulation which it should have been elevated. I ovulated 2 days after the end of my last cycle - again, doesn't make much sense and my last cycle was only 23 days as opposed to the 38-60 day cycles I had been having. It just doesn't add up and that is what I love. Even last night, as Dave and I were praying, I was reminded that this is God's child. I have the awesome experience of carrying this baby and being its mama but this baby belongs to my Almighty, Heavenly Father. I feel a huge sense of peace. I should be nervous but I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I want to share the news with everyone that I know will pray for us. Support is good. I am already thinking about Will's new room and how this will effect him. I am thinking about the baby clothes I get to wash and how I get to prepare his or her room. I think about that special time I will have where I get to breast feed. I think about that early morning feeding and honestly, I am not concerned. With my past sleep issues God has brought me to a place where I understand that sometimes I will be awake in the middle of the night and that is okay - especially to care for a baby. This experience is already so different and I find myself so very thankful.

And the Truth will Set you Free

So, remember my little situation from yesterday? Well, I decided to continue the confrontation streak. I decided to confront my co-workers to verify they were still okay with me working my hours since that was one of the gripes. They were. In fact, they were really surprised that was an issue. I did not want this to be a gossip session so I tried to steer the conversation in other directions but the feedback I received was helpful - stand up for yourself or she will walk all over you.

Honestly, my heart is all over the place on this one. On one side I feel great animosity towards her. I feel betrayed and stepped on. On the other side I feel like I just need to pray for her. She needs Jesus something terrible. She is hard as a rock but I know there is beauty inside, but no one is allowed to see it, most of all, not her. It will take Jesus to help her deal with those deeply buried issues. So, I pray. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." The praying part is getting easier but the love your enemies part, that is tough. Ironically, the last message I heard at church was about perfect love driving out fear. And fear is what I often feel around this lady. A great sense of insecurity. Yuck! But I know God is working on me with that as well. I don't have to be a door mat to anyone, most of all a lady at work.

One lady at work, and I wish she hadn't said it in the group, said she aspired to be more like me. She did not expound but honestly, while I was flattered, I don't want to be on a pedestal because inevitably, I will fall off. It was flattering but something did not seem right about it. If she really knew what all went through my mind she might not want to be anything like me! Hopefully it is the god given gifts she is striving for. Maybe God is using me as a light in a very dark place. Maybe...

Devious - Never been called that before!

So this morning I was praying and thinking about my next steps with this lady at work. This lady, I felt, had it out for me in a big way. She was very rude, manipulative and very much about the praise of her bosses. Turns out, she sees me as the same way. Interesting.

Devious - a word that means "not straight forward; shifty or crooked." Interesting. I get the not straight forward part. Sometimes when I have someone to confront I will beat around the bush but crooked or shifty, I don't see that.

I honestly think I am more hurt and confused than anything. And it didn't stop there. Supposedly I go to Kim and Carl all the time (my bosses), I lie and I am basically not a very nice or good person. That is hard to swallow. The worst part, that identity has been spread around so very few people in my team of five will even speak to me. Kind of makes it hard to get things accomplished.

And I was accused of pushing things off on my co-workers. I am not available after hours. Truth be known, I usually am enjoying time with my family and I don't intend to stop that short of my boss telling me I have to.

I am angry, hurt and I just want to run away. I so badly want to give me two day notice tomorrow but, that probably would not work out so well either.

Where is God in all of this? He was there this morning when I was praying and felt very strongly it was time to confront her. He was there during the meeting (although, not so sure joy showed up - didn't feel much of that this afternoon. As I was walking and crying this afternoon I felt like he was right beside me, holding my hand and letting me cry. He knows what it feels like to be betrayed. He was betrayed and in an earthly sense, nothing good came of the betrayal. He gave me salvation through that betrayal but he knows what it feels like. He knows what it is like to not be able to defend yourself. He knows what it is like to be at a loss for words. He knows. So if he knows why it hurts so much why do we have to go through that? To be more like him?

What are my next steps? Where do I go from here? Not sure. Tonight, I go to bed. I don't even have the energy to do dishes or anything. I just need rest. And tomorrow, who knows. Maybe I just let it all go. Maybe I find a new job. Maybe Christ comes back. Who knows. All I know is that I can't worry about tomorrow for today has enough of its own worries. Much easier said than done.

Silly People...

This weekend was interesting. It was a weekend with the family - Grandma Balch (formally Neff) to be exact. She is a very interesting lady - one you take with a grain of sand because so many of the things she says are simply - offending if taken personally. For example, she said my son was unfriendly just because he would not go to her from the get go. Well, my motherly instinct came up but then the Holy Spirit kicked in and reminded me, this is the way she is. This the way I made her and right or wrong, she is who she is. Besides that, she is very old, 84.5 years old to be precise.

Her husband should be a saint, I have decided. He puts up with more than any man should but again, I think he has learned the value of taking her with a grain of sand. He doesn't take anything too seriously. And he loves her, very much. A screen door fell on my grandma this weekend and I felt more sorry for him then for her. He was so sad. He was speechless which, if you know Budd (that is her husband's name), you know that doesn't happen often. He is one of these guys that can find a topic to discuss from any conversation. Very rarely does the conversation end. He loves to talk and share his tales of the past. I enjoyed listening and tried to polietly excuse myself when I had heard enough. To be honest with you, I had trouble keeping up sometimes!

I have a soft spot in my heart for older men. Not sure what it is but nothing brings me to tears faster than seeing an older man cry - maybe because he has lost something dear to him. I want to "fix it" more than any other time whatever "it" is.

I have that same feeling with my husband. I want to "fix" whatever is wrong so badly but, t he reality, I have absolutely no power to "fix it" other than prayer. Maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for older men because I think of God as an older man in the golden years of his life. I think of a protector that holds me in his arms and comforts me. I think of the wisdom that comes from God. He always tells me the right thing to do - when I listen or ask. Otherwise, he is perfectly content to stand back and watch me. Sometimes I falter and sometimes I use the gifts that he has given me to fly. I think he rarely wants to stand back and watch. I think most of the time he wants to be along for the ride. Daily God becomes more personal to me - more of a best friend, more of a Father and more of a Savior to me. When I am in his presence I feel that peace that only he can bring. It makes me want to serve him more. It makes me want to be in his presence more - to snuggle up on the couch with him and listen to His wisdom...

Random Thoughts

Good Morning, World.

I find myself in a perplexed state. Depression is setting in which is problem number one but I know the causes which I suppose is a step in the right direction. The problems are separate but very intertwined.

Mom issue - I am a child of an alcoholic. My mom is a closet alcoholic and when I have asked her about her disease she becomes very defensive. There is no talking about it. I asked her just the other day how she was doing. I suppose I was confronting but I was trying to take the next step in having a relationship. I can't have a relationship with her if she can't be honest with me - at least no deeper than it currently is. She is still a sick woman and I can't allow her to disrupt my life the way it does.

Work issue - I have been humbled at work. I was at the top of my team and feeling very respected. Now, not so much. I find myself questioning my abilities. I am afraid people are talking about me behind my back when they honestly have nothing to say. I am afraid of the back stabbing and lying. I am having a very hard time dealing with all of that and I just want to run away.

I find the two issues very related. The root problem is honesty. Please, just tell the truth. Be kind to others and respectful of others.

And yet, some things are going well. My marriage is solid. THANK YOU, JESUS! I have a husband who loves me and cares about me more than words can say. He lets me work through my issues and while I know he wants to fix them he knows he can't. He loves me in spite of the trials. He is the one source I can trust that is super close to me. I have some friends too who love me and care about me more than words can say. They can give me a hug and make the issues go away for a time. Kind of like Christ. He makes the issues go away. As I have prayed the last few days the phrase that continues to come to mind is "I love you". Jesus loves me and this fire I am going through, it makes me stronger. The one thing I know for sure is that Jesus is walking me through the flames. He is holding my hand and step by step we move forward. My prayer recently is that God would heal my cracks with his love. Let's face it, we all have broken hearts. The only one who can heal those hurts is Jesus. He can give me the tools but ultimately, he heals.

Grrr......

The battle between the good and bad is occuring. I know what I need to do but everything in me wants to fume. I work with this lady who is hardly a lady. Everything in her from what I can tell is nit-picky, knieving, back stabbing and manipulative. While I attempt to not take things personally I find myself taking them very personally and it makes me very upset. I fume....

So, as I have thought about this I have thought about how I need to react as opposed to how I do react. In theory, I should be able to work with this lady. I should be able to ask questions when they come up and trust that she will give me the respect that is due. However, past experiences have dictated that is not the case. She belittles me and truthfully, I don't want to play the game. I think she probably gets a rise out of watching me struggle.

Enter in Christ. What would he do in this situation? I have really thought about that this week. What would he do? He would love her. How do I love her I ask? The answer, I put aside my anger and frustration. I put aside this ill will I feel towards her. THAT IS SO HARD TO DO!!! It is a struggle. I feel like I am at one of those points in my life that is a cross roads. How I handle this situation will effect the rest of my life. If I truly forgive her even though she does not recognize that she has done anything wrong I am experiencing the forgiveness Christ extends to us. If I hold on to the bitterness I really am not any better than she is.

I will be honest. I am not at the forgive and forget stage yet. Her stings hurt. She knows exactly which buttons to push. I must push past that. It is kind of like when you are trudging through mud. At first, each step is heavy and hard to push through but as you continue to wade through the steps get easier. You figure out the best way to walk through the muck. This is kind of like that situation. As I learn more about forgiveness and grace, it is easier to let go. It is easier to forgive. It is easier to extend grace. Grace, I think that is probably the key.

This lady does not know Jesus. She does not know what it means to be loved. She has fought all her life for what she wants. She doesn't know what it means to be on the receiving end of love. She did not experience it from her parents. She is a fighter and she never puts down that facade. She doesn't let people into her world. We probably do have something in common. Neither of us trusts others very well. While some people easily trust others there are those of us who have been hurt. Every time I am hurt by someone it is harder and harder to trust them. That trust takes longer and longer to rebuild.

I must turn to God. He is the only one I can truly trust. He is the only one that completely understands. He understands my emotions and loves me through them. He is complete love and he will give me what I need to persevere through this muck. And, I will grow. I will take the correct road at the cross roads and it will make all the difference.