I find myself in a perplexed state. Depression is setting in which is problem number one but I know the causes which I suppose is a step in the right direction. The problems are separate but very intertwined.
Mom issue - I am a child of an alcoholic. My mom is a closet alcoholic and when I have asked her about her disease she becomes very defensive. There is no talking about it. I asked her just the other day how she was doing. I suppose I was confronting but I was trying to take the next step in having a relationship. I can't have a relationship with her if she can't be honest with me - at least no deeper than it currently is. She is still a sick woman and I can't allow her to disrupt my life the way it does.
Work issue - I have been humbled at work. I was at the top of my team and feeling very respected. Now, not so much. I find myself questioning my abilities. I am afraid people are talking about me behind my back when they honestly have nothing to say. I am afraid of the back stabbing and lying. I am having a very hard time dealing with all of that and I just want to run away.
I find the two issues very related. The root problem is honesty. Please, just tell the truth. Be kind to others and respectful of others.
And yet, some things are going well. My marriage is solid. THANK YOU, JESUS! I have a husband who loves me and cares about me more than words can say. He lets me work through my issues and while I know he wants to fix them he knows he can't. He loves me in spite of the trials. He is the one source I can trust that is super close to me. I have some friends too who love me and care about me more than words can say. They can give me a hug and make the issues go away for a time. Kind of like Christ. He makes the issues go away. As I have prayed the last few days the phrase that continues to come to mind is "I love you". Jesus loves me and this fire I am going through, it makes me stronger. The one thing I know for sure is that Jesus is walking me through the flames. He is holding my hand and step by step we move forward. My prayer recently is that God would heal my cracks with his love. Let's face it, we all have broken hearts. The only one who can heal those hurts is Jesus. He can give me the tools but ultimately, he heals.
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