Well, it is official. I need to get serious about losing some unwanted weight. To that end, I am going to journal my journey in hopes that it will help me stay on track! I am thinking of this as so much of a diet as much as a gift to myself to get healthier. Who knows, maybe that will help me get pregnant. An article I read recently said anyone with a BMI over 25 may have trouble getting pregnant. My BMI is currently at 28.2 something so shedding a few pounds is not a bad thing.
This blog is about honesty. I have a couple of faithful readers (you know who you are....) My goal is go get down to a healthy weight of 140. This will put my weight smack dab in the middle of a healthy weight for my height. That means I have LOTS of work to do!
Here are the stats as of yesterday (the first day of this journey)
Weight: 185
BMI: 28.2
Chest: 43"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 43"
Thigh: 24"
Every week I will post my results (every Wednesday). I am going to use the First Place tools to get this silly weight off. However, every day will be a day of success, even if I fail miserably in the food area because I am taking steps to be healthier. Failure tends to produce more failure in me (well, my mind anyway). With a new year, a new decade comes a new attempt at success.
Ready, set .....GO!
So, for today, I had a love Starbucks Eggnog Frappaccino (the last of the season) and so far a banana. I am a little tired and looking forward to some lunch! Left over chicken noodle soup (creamy and wonderful) over spanich salad. Then, dinner will be fruit and veggies at a New Year's Eve Party. I will post results of the evening tomorrow.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Word of the Week - Thankful
This was an interesting week. Nothing in particular happened. It was just a good week. Thank you, Jesus!
In church last Sunday the message was about muscial worship. The speaker did a wonderful job of reminding us that when we come to church to worship it is about giving back to God. It is about praising him for who he is. It is about worshiping the King that is on the throne. It was very powerful to me and I left very thankful.
That idea has been running through my mind this past week. Each day has brought a little something to be thankful for. Monday, was an eye opener day. I have started playing this computer game with my husband called Farmtown. It is fun but my already tight schedule does not allow for useless leisure activities. However, I was drawn to the game. It is a game about completion. It is a game about growing crops and harvesting them. There are tasks that need to be accomplished which bring a reward, more coins so you can buy more things to create this farm. It is a nice, family game. No blood or guts (which I like) and it is something Dave and I can do together. The problem, I spent a little too much time on the game Monday. Yes, I went for my walk with Will and the dogs but as soon as I was back I sat down with my laptop and the planting, harvest, visiting, neigbors, ect, began. I was sitting outside while Will was playing and I justified it. He needs play time along, right? Well, then the neighbor kids came over. I was so into my game that I kind of missed out on talking with them. They are kids that are in my life for a reason. I missed out on the chance to build a relationship with them. So where does the thankful part come in? I am so thankful that God gently pointed that out to me. There was a little nagging voice that said, don't miss the relational opportunities. Those are more important. So, the rest of the week, the game waited until Will went to bed. As a result, I had more play time with him and we did play - a lot. I am not sure that I would have paid as much attention to just playing if not for that Monday experience.
Tuesday, I was thankful for my husband. We had a little run in, nothing big, just small but slightly challening nonetheless. Again, I was thankful. I am thankful for a husband that shares his feelings with me, even when I don't want to hear them. I was thankful that he went and played disc golf with some buddies. I was thankful that he has an outlet.
Wednesday was play day. Actually, first it was grocery shopping and then playing. Will and I went grocery shopping which is always a fun experience. Everything is a learning opportunity for that little guy and for me. I love looking for ways to teach him. He is like a little sponge and he loves to learn from me. I embraced that opportunity. After shopping we went to the farmer's market in Downs. We bought some potatoes and I let him carry the bag. He was so proud of himself. It was so cute! I also realized it was time to teach him about being respectful to adults. One way to do that is to acknowledge them when they speak to him. Sometimes he will bashfully shy away. I decided that action could do more harm than good so no more excuses. When someone greets Will he greets them back. I feel like that was a little nudge from God for me to impress upon Will. Respect is one of those attributes Dave and I feel very strongly about imparting to our kids. Twenty-two months is not too early to begin the lessons. And, he was receptive. After the market we played outside for over an hour. I was pulling weeds and he was exploring. Every once in awhile I would look over at him and he would be playing in some water or exploring a patch of rocks. I found him in the wood chips pile at one point. I thought about the fact that maybe some of the things he was doing might be dangerous but I assessed the risk. I did not feel anything was too much of a risk so I let him explore. He was one filthy boy when we went inside but we both felt a sense of accomplishment. Again, thank you.
Thursday was a busy afternoon. I had to take Maddy and Tucker to the vet and then it was Bunco night. While I was at bunco a lady that typically is a little loud and I struck up a conversation. It was incredibly encouraging and just want I think both of us needed. I felt like I had been at Bunco for a very specific purpose and it wasn't to play bunco!
Today, is Friday. I am thankful for Fridays. It is almost like crossing the finishing line for the week. After finishing a race the reward is a nice, refreshing shower and a long nap. I am looking forward to both of those this weekend. Thank you, Lord, for Fridays.
In church last Sunday the message was about muscial worship. The speaker did a wonderful job of reminding us that when we come to church to worship it is about giving back to God. It is about praising him for who he is. It is about worshiping the King that is on the throne. It was very powerful to me and I left very thankful.
That idea has been running through my mind this past week. Each day has brought a little something to be thankful for. Monday, was an eye opener day. I have started playing this computer game with my husband called Farmtown. It is fun but my already tight schedule does not allow for useless leisure activities. However, I was drawn to the game. It is a game about completion. It is a game about growing crops and harvesting them. There are tasks that need to be accomplished which bring a reward, more coins so you can buy more things to create this farm. It is a nice, family game. No blood or guts (which I like) and it is something Dave and I can do together. The problem, I spent a little too much time on the game Monday. Yes, I went for my walk with Will and the dogs but as soon as I was back I sat down with my laptop and the planting, harvest, visiting, neigbors, ect, began. I was sitting outside while Will was playing and I justified it. He needs play time along, right? Well, then the neighbor kids came over. I was so into my game that I kind of missed out on talking with them. They are kids that are in my life for a reason. I missed out on the chance to build a relationship with them. So where does the thankful part come in? I am so thankful that God gently pointed that out to me. There was a little nagging voice that said, don't miss the relational opportunities. Those are more important. So, the rest of the week, the game waited until Will went to bed. As a result, I had more play time with him and we did play - a lot. I am not sure that I would have paid as much attention to just playing if not for that Monday experience.
Tuesday, I was thankful for my husband. We had a little run in, nothing big, just small but slightly challening nonetheless. Again, I was thankful. I am thankful for a husband that shares his feelings with me, even when I don't want to hear them. I was thankful that he went and played disc golf with some buddies. I was thankful that he has an outlet.
Wednesday was play day. Actually, first it was grocery shopping and then playing. Will and I went grocery shopping which is always a fun experience. Everything is a learning opportunity for that little guy and for me. I love looking for ways to teach him. He is like a little sponge and he loves to learn from me. I embraced that opportunity. After shopping we went to the farmer's market in Downs. We bought some potatoes and I let him carry the bag. He was so proud of himself. It was so cute! I also realized it was time to teach him about being respectful to adults. One way to do that is to acknowledge them when they speak to him. Sometimes he will bashfully shy away. I decided that action could do more harm than good so no more excuses. When someone greets Will he greets them back. I feel like that was a little nudge from God for me to impress upon Will. Respect is one of those attributes Dave and I feel very strongly about imparting to our kids. Twenty-two months is not too early to begin the lessons. And, he was receptive. After the market we played outside for over an hour. I was pulling weeds and he was exploring. Every once in awhile I would look over at him and he would be playing in some water or exploring a patch of rocks. I found him in the wood chips pile at one point. I thought about the fact that maybe some of the things he was doing might be dangerous but I assessed the risk. I did not feel anything was too much of a risk so I let him explore. He was one filthy boy when we went inside but we both felt a sense of accomplishment. Again, thank you.
Thursday was a busy afternoon. I had to take Maddy and Tucker to the vet and then it was Bunco night. While I was at bunco a lady that typically is a little loud and I struck up a conversation. It was incredibly encouraging and just want I think both of us needed. I felt like I had been at Bunco for a very specific purpose and it wasn't to play bunco!
Today, is Friday. I am thankful for Fridays. It is almost like crossing the finishing line for the week. After finishing a race the reward is a nice, refreshing shower and a long nap. I am looking forward to both of those this weekend. Thank you, Lord, for Fridays.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Word of the Week - Worry
What an interesting little five letter word, worry. It is a little word that describes one of my most fallible areas. The more I learn about myself the more I learn that I have a little problem with this sin. That is what it is. I would love to call it something else but the truth is that is what it is.
This morning I found myself in an interesting place. I found myself worried about my husband. He did not sleep well last night, actually did not sleep at all. I was worred that his attitude would be very poor which would cause me grief. Instantly a wall went up. It was a wall of fear. The wall has a facade that is called worry. When I looked at the worry in my life this morning I saw it for what it really was.
The worry was selfish on my part. You see, when Dave is out of sync, he, like anyone truthfully, gets moody. I feel like I need to fix his moodiness. I tend to walk on egg shells until he is back to "normal." The problem is I don't know what normal is. There is no normal because we are always in a state of growing and changing. If we were always constant we would never grow.
So I started thinking about this a little deeper. I took a very specific event, one night of insomnia, and thought about what happens when I don't sleep. I am tired the next day but I still get through it. I function. I lay down and rest when I can. I seek Christ for my strength. This is what I do now but not what I have always done. In the past I worried, incredibly. I had this little demon on my shoulder that equated not sleeping with depression or anxiety. While depression and/or anxiety usually does follow from several nights of not sleeping well that is no longer my focus. My focus is what is God doing? You see it is in the valleys that I grow.
Thankfully we don't have to stay in the valley forever. In the book, Breaking Free, one of the characteristics of a rebellious child of God that I identified with tremendously was that sometimes I rely on oppression. As I look back at my life it was filled with oppression. I was never certain of what lay at the next corner. Would mom be drunk? Would she be alive? Would she be honest? Would I meet Dad's expectations? Now, I am married. I have moved away from my childhood family but those qualities still haunt me, only now through my husband and little boy. Thoughts such as will Dave be depressed, will he be detached, will he be angry lurk in my mind. That oppression of worry, of not knowing what is around the corner - that keeps me in bondage.
Wow. Another layer of the onion. Every time God reveals a piece of the onion I think that revelation is the most amazing revelation and how can the next be even better. The truth, the next is always life changing. You see, this is an area of my life that has to do with my personality. It has to do with the way I was raised. It is ingrained in me. For a long time that was acceptable. Through this book, through prayer and through reading the Bible I know bondage of any kind is unacceptable in God's eyes. No bondage is good bondage. Isaiah 61:1-4 says "he (Christ) has come to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and the garment of praise instead of dispair." But, it doesn't stop there, he goes on to say that, "he will restore the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated. He will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations." The first part is all about me. He will restore me. He will bind up my hurts from the past. He will comfort me. Not only will he but he does. He is so gentle and patient as he moves me through each day. He shows me new gifts and new ways to love him by loving others. He is turning my mourning into beauty and my tears into dancing. He is freeing me, one day at a time.
The second part is all about the restoring process. As we allow him to comfort us, free us, bind up our broken hearts and allow Him to bless us we change. We become more like him. He rebuilds us but the wall has to come down first. I can't be changed unless I am willing to do my fair share of the hard work.
Beth Moore also commented that, "we want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us." She goes on to say, "God desires to change us from the inside out - renewing our minds, starving our self destructive tendencies and teaching us to form new habits." This takes time. Lots and lots of time and an incredible amount of willingness. It is a very, very, very hard task to change because we want things now! Think about it, the best things in life take time. A cake, takes time to bake. Lasagna, takes time (and crockpot lasagna, my favorite takes a really long time!). Friendship bread takes several days to make but it is so good in the end. Things that are worth waiting for are always the sweetest blessings. Something good to remember.
So back to my worry statement that I started out with. I can beat myself up with the best of them for worrying but I think that defeats the lesson God is teaching me. Instead, I am going to surrender to him today by nailing my worries to the cross. When something pops into my head that would lead to worry it goes on the cross. We will see how it works! I have a feeling it will work well.
This morning I found myself in an interesting place. I found myself worried about my husband. He did not sleep well last night, actually did not sleep at all. I was worred that his attitude would be very poor which would cause me grief. Instantly a wall went up. It was a wall of fear. The wall has a facade that is called worry. When I looked at the worry in my life this morning I saw it for what it really was.
The worry was selfish on my part. You see, when Dave is out of sync, he, like anyone truthfully, gets moody. I feel like I need to fix his moodiness. I tend to walk on egg shells until he is back to "normal." The problem is I don't know what normal is. There is no normal because we are always in a state of growing and changing. If we were always constant we would never grow.
So I started thinking about this a little deeper. I took a very specific event, one night of insomnia, and thought about what happens when I don't sleep. I am tired the next day but I still get through it. I function. I lay down and rest when I can. I seek Christ for my strength. This is what I do now but not what I have always done. In the past I worried, incredibly. I had this little demon on my shoulder that equated not sleeping with depression or anxiety. While depression and/or anxiety usually does follow from several nights of not sleeping well that is no longer my focus. My focus is what is God doing? You see it is in the valleys that I grow.
Thankfully we don't have to stay in the valley forever. In the book, Breaking Free, one of the characteristics of a rebellious child of God that I identified with tremendously was that sometimes I rely on oppression. As I look back at my life it was filled with oppression. I was never certain of what lay at the next corner. Would mom be drunk? Would she be alive? Would she be honest? Would I meet Dad's expectations? Now, I am married. I have moved away from my childhood family but those qualities still haunt me, only now through my husband and little boy. Thoughts such as will Dave be depressed, will he be detached, will he be angry lurk in my mind. That oppression of worry, of not knowing what is around the corner - that keeps me in bondage.
Wow. Another layer of the onion. Every time God reveals a piece of the onion I think that revelation is the most amazing revelation and how can the next be even better. The truth, the next is always life changing. You see, this is an area of my life that has to do with my personality. It has to do with the way I was raised. It is ingrained in me. For a long time that was acceptable. Through this book, through prayer and through reading the Bible I know bondage of any kind is unacceptable in God's eyes. No bondage is good bondage. Isaiah 61:1-4 says "he (Christ) has come to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and the garment of praise instead of dispair." But, it doesn't stop there, he goes on to say that, "he will restore the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated. He will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations." The first part is all about me. He will restore me. He will bind up my hurts from the past. He will comfort me. Not only will he but he does. He is so gentle and patient as he moves me through each day. He shows me new gifts and new ways to love him by loving others. He is turning my mourning into beauty and my tears into dancing. He is freeing me, one day at a time.
The second part is all about the restoring process. As we allow him to comfort us, free us, bind up our broken hearts and allow Him to bless us we change. We become more like him. He rebuilds us but the wall has to come down first. I can't be changed unless I am willing to do my fair share of the hard work.
Beth Moore also commented that, "we want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us." She goes on to say, "God desires to change us from the inside out - renewing our minds, starving our self destructive tendencies and teaching us to form new habits." This takes time. Lots and lots of time and an incredible amount of willingness. It is a very, very, very hard task to change because we want things now! Think about it, the best things in life take time. A cake, takes time to bake. Lasagna, takes time (and crockpot lasagna, my favorite takes a really long time!). Friendship bread takes several days to make but it is so good in the end. Things that are worth waiting for are always the sweetest blessings. Something good to remember.
So back to my worry statement that I started out with. I can beat myself up with the best of them for worrying but I think that defeats the lesson God is teaching me. Instead, I am going to surrender to him today by nailing my worries to the cross. When something pops into my head that would lead to worry it goes on the cross. We will see how it works! I have a feeling it will work well.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Word of the Week - Respect
I have been pondering this word for awhile. Not sure why I have to think about it at 2:00 am but that was what was on my mind this morning.
I looked it up in the dictionary and to respect someone means "to hold in esteem or honor" or "to show regard or consideration for." As a noun it means "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability."
Dave told me the other day that he felt like deep inside, I did not respect him. I, of course, being the "perfect" little lady, was hurt that my husband felt this way. Instantly I wanted to throw into his face all the times and ways I have showed him respect. Thankfully, God stepped in an silenced my mouth. I said nothing.
The truth, as I looked deep inside my walled up self, I acknowledged that in some ways I do not respect him. As I prayed about this today, looking back, the way people gained respect was through their job. My dad taught me that. While I have always tried to detour from that idea, I think in the back of my mind it is there. Dave stays at home with Will and while that is an incredibly important job, society doesn't look at that very favorably.
God showed me an area of my life where I needed to ask forgiveness. I was judging my husband and setting expectations in my mind of who he needed to be for me. Pride was once again rearing its ugly head. Thankfully, God showed this to me very gently and affirmatively. He said, "my dear sweet little lady. You have been praying for wisdom, particularly in your marriage. Here is a little hint. Respect your husband for the man I have created him to be. Respect him for the challenges he is working through. Respect him because I respect him. I love that man so much. He is my son. Share in loving him with me."
You see, Dave is God's son before he is my husband. When we married he did not become my project. I was not his savior although I must admit, I think I married partly because I felt like he needed me. Again, pride rearing its ugly head in my life.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are revealing these little tidbits to me. Thank you for saving my marriage by showing me the lies I have believed for so long. My prayer is that my love for my husband will be authentic and sweet. I want to love Dave more now than I ever have before. I want to love him with Christ's love because Dave deserves that. Does he have his issues? Don't we all?
So, I step forward today.
I looked it up in the dictionary and to respect someone means "to hold in esteem or honor" or "to show regard or consideration for." As a noun it means "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability."
Dave told me the other day that he felt like deep inside, I did not respect him. I, of course, being the "perfect" little lady, was hurt that my husband felt this way. Instantly I wanted to throw into his face all the times and ways I have showed him respect. Thankfully, God stepped in an silenced my mouth. I said nothing.
The truth, as I looked deep inside my walled up self, I acknowledged that in some ways I do not respect him. As I prayed about this today, looking back, the way people gained respect was through their job. My dad taught me that. While I have always tried to detour from that idea, I think in the back of my mind it is there. Dave stays at home with Will and while that is an incredibly important job, society doesn't look at that very favorably.
God showed me an area of my life where I needed to ask forgiveness. I was judging my husband and setting expectations in my mind of who he needed to be for me. Pride was once again rearing its ugly head. Thankfully, God showed this to me very gently and affirmatively. He said, "my dear sweet little lady. You have been praying for wisdom, particularly in your marriage. Here is a little hint. Respect your husband for the man I have created him to be. Respect him for the challenges he is working through. Respect him because I respect him. I love that man so much. He is my son. Share in loving him with me."
You see, Dave is God's son before he is my husband. When we married he did not become my project. I was not his savior although I must admit, I think I married partly because I felt like he needed me. Again, pride rearing its ugly head in my life.
Thank you, Jesus, that you are revealing these little tidbits to me. Thank you for saving my marriage by showing me the lies I have believed for so long. My prayer is that my love for my husband will be authentic and sweet. I want to love Dave more now than I ever have before. I want to love him with Christ's love because Dave deserves that. Does he have his issues? Don't we all?
So, I step forward today.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Word of the Week - Insecurity
So, I am reading this book right now called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I feel like I get a counseling session every time I sit down to read it. This week we looked back at generational sin that is handed down from one generation to another. We had to do some work to identify some of those areas. I discovered several things.
First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.
Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.
So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.
So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.
So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.
First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.
Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.
So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.
So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.
So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Word of the Week - Clarity
Interesting how God works. For some time now I have been struggling. It has been a learning struggle. It has been a struggle where I have learned about dependence on God. It has been a time of growing a relationship. It has been a season of dying to myself and allowing my heart to be open to what God has to say. Very slowly and gently he has shown me areas of sin in my life. Very slowly and gently he has asked me to give up some of the old lies I held on to so tightly.
He has opened my eyes to perfection. The first step was acknowledging that sometimes I did not start things, often times I did not, because I could not do them exactly the way I wanted them done, what I deemed perfect. Through a book called "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman I learned perfection keeps us in a place of discouragement. We don't start things because we won't finish them the way we think we should. Instead, we need to strive for excellence. This is a place where we extend grace to ourself.
Enter a lesson about Grace. Grace is something I don't give myself very often. I hold myself to very high expectations. When I don't meet those expectations I feel like I have failed. There in lies the lie. When I don't reach the desirable end result that is okay. Wow. That does not mean I don't give it my best shot. It just means I give myself a little grace. I am not a perfect woman. In fact, I am a broken woman. I have lots of holes. I don't have it all together but I am learning.
Next lesson is about acceptance. Finally, I am accepting myself and my imperfections. I am starting to accept the fact that I have issues with my brain chemicals. I need meds to function fully. I can get by without them but I don't get to enjoy the gifts that God has given me as much because it takes so much energy to overcome the side effects of low seratonin levels. The good news. I can do it. Even better news, I can do it with meds. I have to smile as I say that because it sounds funny. It is funny. It is funny that I have been so obstinent not to take the meds that would help me. It hit me this morning what the problem was, pride.
Possibly the biggest area of growth in me has taken place as God has opened my eyes to the pride in my life. I had a lot. When you are trying to be perfect you are trying so that you can receive the glory for being a good person. You do things at work to receive praise. You do things at home to receive praise. You do things for God so you can get the glory. YIKES! I have heard the cliche for a long time that you should do all things to bring glory to God. however, when I stopped and really looked at my life I realized I was doing exactly the opposite. Everything I was doing was to bring glory to me. I was living off of the alcolades of others. As a result of being off my meds for almost 2 months I have a new dependence on God. It is a true dependence. I have cried more. I have prayed more. I have read more. I have longed to know the truth more and more. I have also learned to listen more. God has so much to say and it is so quietly. Never does he speak harshly to me. HE knows I need a gentle answer and so that is what he gives me. He encourages me whenever no one else is around. He shows me where to find answers to my tough questions. All that he asks is that I listen and follow through. That is easy when you have the Savior of the world as your best friend. Life is bearable. Shoot, sometimes it is every pretty.
So, the latest area in my life where God has revealed my prideful spirit is in the area of my meds and anxiety/depression. I was not taking meds because I wanted to overcome this problem. I was doing it at the expense of my family. God has given me the responsibility to be a wife and a mom. When you are ultra sensitive it is hard to be a wife. When you are weepy it is hard to be a mom. It is also hard to move on in life when you are so exhausted from fighting negative thoughts. For a very long time I have seen meds as a crutch. If my faith was greater I would not need meds. If I exercised more I would not need meds. If I ate better foods I would not need meds. While these things all help the truth is I do need meds. God has so much planned for my life. I don't need to be stuck when I know what will help. It is like withholding chemo from a patient with cancer waiting for God to heal them. Yes, it is very possibly that God would miraculously heal them but honestly, if the meds work it is a miracle too. We sometimes only think of God as a God that rescues us without any intervention. That would be a true miracle we might think. If that isn't putting God in a little box I am not sure what is! God is in control of ALL things. That means he is in charge of meds even coming on the market to bring relief to people. I truly believe God does not want us to suffer. However, because sin entered into the world there will be seasons of suffering. It is up to us what we do with that suffering. Do we continue to depend on Christ and his promise that he loves us and will walk with us through every endeavor or do we try and do it ourself? I have tried both. I really like walking with God.
So, today I feel like I am experiencing clarity. It is a freedom. It is hard to explain but the lie that I can't have a close relationship with God and feel good has been exposed. I can have both and it is only because God is showing me what freedom looks like. Pride. For me, that is where Satan attacks me most. I never would have known if God had not walked me through this season and if I hadn't taken the time for learning. That is not pride but truth.
He has opened my eyes to perfection. The first step was acknowledging that sometimes I did not start things, often times I did not, because I could not do them exactly the way I wanted them done, what I deemed perfect. Through a book called "The Birth Order Book" by Kevin Leman I learned perfection keeps us in a place of discouragement. We don't start things because we won't finish them the way we think we should. Instead, we need to strive for excellence. This is a place where we extend grace to ourself.
Enter a lesson about Grace. Grace is something I don't give myself very often. I hold myself to very high expectations. When I don't meet those expectations I feel like I have failed. There in lies the lie. When I don't reach the desirable end result that is okay. Wow. That does not mean I don't give it my best shot. It just means I give myself a little grace. I am not a perfect woman. In fact, I am a broken woman. I have lots of holes. I don't have it all together but I am learning.
Next lesson is about acceptance. Finally, I am accepting myself and my imperfections. I am starting to accept the fact that I have issues with my brain chemicals. I need meds to function fully. I can get by without them but I don't get to enjoy the gifts that God has given me as much because it takes so much energy to overcome the side effects of low seratonin levels. The good news. I can do it. Even better news, I can do it with meds. I have to smile as I say that because it sounds funny. It is funny. It is funny that I have been so obstinent not to take the meds that would help me. It hit me this morning what the problem was, pride.
Possibly the biggest area of growth in me has taken place as God has opened my eyes to the pride in my life. I had a lot. When you are trying to be perfect you are trying so that you can receive the glory for being a good person. You do things at work to receive praise. You do things at home to receive praise. You do things for God so you can get the glory. YIKES! I have heard the cliche for a long time that you should do all things to bring glory to God. however, when I stopped and really looked at my life I realized I was doing exactly the opposite. Everything I was doing was to bring glory to me. I was living off of the alcolades of others. As a result of being off my meds for almost 2 months I have a new dependence on God. It is a true dependence. I have cried more. I have prayed more. I have read more. I have longed to know the truth more and more. I have also learned to listen more. God has so much to say and it is so quietly. Never does he speak harshly to me. HE knows I need a gentle answer and so that is what he gives me. He encourages me whenever no one else is around. He shows me where to find answers to my tough questions. All that he asks is that I listen and follow through. That is easy when you have the Savior of the world as your best friend. Life is bearable. Shoot, sometimes it is every pretty.
So, the latest area in my life where God has revealed my prideful spirit is in the area of my meds and anxiety/depression. I was not taking meds because I wanted to overcome this problem. I was doing it at the expense of my family. God has given me the responsibility to be a wife and a mom. When you are ultra sensitive it is hard to be a wife. When you are weepy it is hard to be a mom. It is also hard to move on in life when you are so exhausted from fighting negative thoughts. For a very long time I have seen meds as a crutch. If my faith was greater I would not need meds. If I exercised more I would not need meds. If I ate better foods I would not need meds. While these things all help the truth is I do need meds. God has so much planned for my life. I don't need to be stuck when I know what will help. It is like withholding chemo from a patient with cancer waiting for God to heal them. Yes, it is very possibly that God would miraculously heal them but honestly, if the meds work it is a miracle too. We sometimes only think of God as a God that rescues us without any intervention. That would be a true miracle we might think. If that isn't putting God in a little box I am not sure what is! God is in control of ALL things. That means he is in charge of meds even coming on the market to bring relief to people. I truly believe God does not want us to suffer. However, because sin entered into the world there will be seasons of suffering. It is up to us what we do with that suffering. Do we continue to depend on Christ and his promise that he loves us and will walk with us through every endeavor or do we try and do it ourself? I have tried both. I really like walking with God.
So, today I feel like I am experiencing clarity. It is a freedom. It is hard to explain but the lie that I can't have a close relationship with God and feel good has been exposed. I can have both and it is only because God is showing me what freedom looks like. Pride. For me, that is where Satan attacks me most. I never would have known if God had not walked me through this season and if I hadn't taken the time for learning. That is not pride but truth.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Word of the Week - Humility
This week, the word that has been at the forefront of my mind has been humility. I am reading through a book called Breaking Free with two good friends. This book is all about looking at areas in your life that are in bondage. First of all, I must admit I did not realize I had so many areas of my life that were in bondage. The root of this bondage is tied up in pride. Let me explain.
There are some ideas I have had in life about myself that are now being challenged. I have always though I need to perform well so my self esteem would be increased. WRONG. There is only one reason to do anything and that is to do everything to bring glory to God. So what does that mean? when I think about how i want my house to look or think about how sad it is that I don't have a larger home where I can entertain that is pride. When I think about wanting to stay home and when I really examine why I want to stay home, there is some pride in that mix. I think I could do a better job of keeping up the home and organizing events. While some of that is true, that is not where God has called me for right now. My question needs to be more of how can I bring glory to God in my current situation instead of having a pity party. When my husband gets upset about something that I think is trivial, do I condemn him or listen? If I condemn, that is pride. That says you are silly for feeling the way you do and if you would just listen to me our problems would be solved. Enter false hoods.
You see, many areas of my life are coated with lies. Either these are lies that I have believed from childhood or lies that have recently crept into my life. The truth, the lies keep me in bondage. It is only by the Grace of God, literally, that I am even here. That is where my focus has to be. Otherwise I take undo liberties in promoting myself. Not cool.
There are also areas in my life that I am looking at for the first time. Areas that I dared not look at before because I did not want to look at the problem or the solution. Denial can be a good place to be sometimes. However, denial built on more denial leads to bondage and deception. Beth Moore says in her book that "the worst kind of captive: a prisoner unaware." That was me! Even now, as I look at events in my life I am pained. It is hard to look back and think about why you really love someone or where the lie began. Then, the next step is to do something with that lie. Once it is discovered it has to be dealt with. Otherwise, it festers and depression sinks in. For me, that means taking my concerns and worries to the cross, literally. In my mind I picture the cross and when a worry pops in that is out of my control I nail it to that cross. If the worry is about my husband, I nail it to the cross. If the worry is about relationships that are struggling I nail it to the cross. It might sound like I am not dealing with those issues and you would be right. I am letting God deal with those issues. I have tried to deal with them for a long time and I end up hidding the issues further and further within my heart. When I pass them along to God, they are no longer my issues. Sounds simple. It honestly gets easier. As I recognize that something is a worry I am able to pass it along to Christ a little faster. This keeps the garbage out and the truth in.
I read an intro to a funny book (don't remember the name right now) but it was by Marilyn Myberg. She said she thinks of the heart as a compartment with a zipper. On the left side of the zipper is the bad stuff in our lives (thoughts, words, addictions, ect). On the right side of the zipper is the fruits of the Holy Spirit and the attibutes of Christ. In the middle is Christ. As I get to know him more and trust him more the items on the left side move over to the right side. Interesting. Bringing this full circle, I can't trust God if I am hanging on to pride. Pride prevents that free flowing relationship because pride says I can do it myself. I am here to say I can't do it myself. I need Jesus to be as close as a call away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)