Well, sometimes life just sucks. I was a very early pregnant, probably about 5 weeks and when we went to do a sonogram there was nothing. That was so discouraging. That was on Wednesday. We did more blood work yesterday but my numbers that should have doubled only went up by 4 instead of 29. Now I am crampy and spotting. This truly is a bummer.
So, I have been using some of the tools I have learned in the past few months to cope with this loss. I have another blood test on Monday but as I bleed more the hope is fading. So, I am coming to terms with it. Yesterday as I was sitting in the doctor's office my blood pressure was way up, in fact, I have never had a reading that high before 124/80. Usually it is 110/70. The nurse said it was because I was nervous and I was. My heart was practically beating out of my chest! I had to wait for the nurse practioner to come in to chat with me and as I lay there, I was able to use some breathing techniques I had learned to calm down. When she got into the room I felt like I could have a conversation with her without crying or being completely irrational. I also did some visualization while taking some deep breaths. My mind was wondering for awhile but everywhere it went caused my anxiety and sadness to increase except one place. When I found myself in Jesus' arms I found peace. I pictured myself walking up to Jesus and asking if we could snuggle for awhile because I was scared. He pulled me up on his lap and just held me in his arms. That is where I found my peace.
As I type this I have tears rolling down my face. My heart is very sensitive and in the past I would have thought there was something wrong with that. Now I know tears are okay. Tears are healing. Tears are a sign of an emotion that is causing pain. I describe the pain I feel in my heart as a battle field. I use to think the battle field was in my mind and sometimes it still is but their is also a battle in my heart. My heart is where true change happens. Sometimes that is last resort for Satan to say, so what you ganna do? As soon as I choose Christ, my battle is over because it is turned over to Him.
The past few months, probably going on 7 or 8 now, have been a true time of growth for me in my relationship with Christ. I think it is because of this reason that I can get through the tough times with a little bit of clarity. One of the things I believe with my whole heart is that God is in control of ALL things. He is in control of my life. He is in control of Dave's life. He is in control of when we have additional children. He is in control of when Dave gets a new job. He is in control of all of that. Sometimes I push the issue. I want things to happen now. I am a planner and I like to see the plan. I am okay with whatever happens but I want to know the end result. But, if we always knew the end result what role would faith play in our lives? IF we knew what was always going to happen we would not have a need for faith. My security is often times in "the plan" but that is not where my security needs to be. It needs to be in Christ.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
It's Been Awhile...
I haven't posted anything new in awhile. Sometimes it is easier to post when life is tough. Why is that? Sometimes getting thoughts out on paper some how helps.
Life is so full of uncertainities. Sometimes I want to crawl into a ditch and just hide. Sometimes I get so angry and ask God, what is the deal. Regardless of what I do with my struggles I find myself in God's arms more often than not. Time and time again, when I take a few minutes to talk to God and tell him my thoughts and feelings all the sudden I feel so much better. I feel that peace that surpasses all understanding. I find myself still uncertain about the future but more confident that my small situation is part of the big picture.
Ironically, (naw, probably not ironically) I was reading a devotional this morning that said exactly what I was trying to say above. I love the Proverbs 31 devotionals because they are real. The authors don't sugar coat things. They say that life is tough, but, God is good. I read that verse yesterday in a doctor's office and did not realize it would follow me out the door. Thankfully, that idea has been on my heart and mind repeatedly throughout these past 24 hours.
I wish I could say that I love learning lessons but I would be lying. I love wisdom and I asked that God would give that to me but it is not an easy gift. It requires care and use. Even though I have wisdom, I still have free will. Sometimes those two characteristics battle it out in my heart. Sometimes I want to throw a fit and say, "but God, it's not fair!" And he replies, "life isn't fair but I am good and I am in control. Trust me."
That is good news.
Life is so full of uncertainities. Sometimes I want to crawl into a ditch and just hide. Sometimes I get so angry and ask God, what is the deal. Regardless of what I do with my struggles I find myself in God's arms more often than not. Time and time again, when I take a few minutes to talk to God and tell him my thoughts and feelings all the sudden I feel so much better. I feel that peace that surpasses all understanding. I find myself still uncertain about the future but more confident that my small situation is part of the big picture.
Ironically, (naw, probably not ironically) I was reading a devotional this morning that said exactly what I was trying to say above. I love the Proverbs 31 devotionals because they are real. The authors don't sugar coat things. They say that life is tough, but, God is good. I read that verse yesterday in a doctor's office and did not realize it would follow me out the door. Thankfully, that idea has been on my heart and mind repeatedly throughout these past 24 hours.
I wish I could say that I love learning lessons but I would be lying. I love wisdom and I asked that God would give that to me but it is not an easy gift. It requires care and use. Even though I have wisdom, I still have free will. Sometimes those two characteristics battle it out in my heart. Sometimes I want to throw a fit and say, "but God, it's not fair!" And he replies, "life isn't fair but I am good and I am in control. Trust me."
That is good news.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Where I am at....
I don't even know where to start. I am not sure what exactly is on my mind other than that it is almost 1am and I am I awake. Hate that. Almost three nights like this now. Grrrr..... But, that presents an opportunity for reflection and prayer.
Lately, work has been on my mind. It has been a struggle of the mind, quite honestly. I feel like people look at me differently there. I am not sure why. I didn't do anything that I know of. I know sometimes the gossip ring gets to flowing and people make things up. Why do they do that? Why do people have to be mean and hateful? Why do I even care? I go back to this feeling of heavy oppression at work. It is a feeling like what I felt in high school. It is this desire for people to like me. I want to be treated with respect. I feel like I go out of my way to treat others with respect. I don't talk about them behind their backs even though sometimes I want to be mean and hateful. When I feel like that I pray about it. I just don't get it.
So, I think about what thoughts fill my head. Thoughts about "I am not my brother's keeper" and "pray for those who persecute you." I feel a little like a major persecution is taking place. Again, I have to ask myself, why do I care? I care because I care about the truth coming out. I care about treating people fairly. I care about kindness and gentleness. I care about how others feel and I want them to care about how I feel. I feel like leader who has fallen from her position of leadership. I love leading but something happened.
All of this is very humbling and I kind of look at it for a minute and ask, what would Jesus do? He was perscuted more than any other. People could not handle the truth that he shared. Jesus pushed on. That is where I am struggling. I am having trouble pushing on. Sure, I am going to work and doing my job but I want more than that. I am a woman who loves relationships. The relationships at work are broken and that makes me sad.
I want to run away, honestly. I want to start fresh, start over. But, I know I can't do that. As I have prayed and asked God for wisdom the response is that He won't keep me there one day longer than he needs me there. He knows my heart. He knows I am hurting and at times, lonely at work. He also knows that it is through the tough times that we grow and change. We are refined. I feel like I am in the refining process and the fire is hot. So often I just want out of the fire. I want to be in the cool of stability. I want peace, internal peace. Even when chaos is flowing all around me I want the peace that surpasses all understanding. And the truth, that peace is available to me. I just have to accept it. It is a complete submission to Christ and his authority over my life. It is continuing to tell myself the truth. I am a good person with a good heart. I want to do what Christ has called me to do and right now, that is to work at COUNTRY. As I type that tears come to my eyes because that is not what I want. However, during this Easter season I am reminded that Christ did not want to die on the cross. He did not want to be separated from His Father yet that was what had to be done. He prayed and pleaded. In the end, he submitted.
Based on this, I have to give myself some grace. Once again, I see that Christ knows how I feel. He knows what it feels like to want something differently but to submit to his current situation. He knows which is why when I walk into work every morning he walks in with me. Honestly, when I walk into work I ask God to join me. I can't get through the day without him. I picture him holding my hand and saying, "let's do this together. You are not alone." And that is where there is peace.
A hymn just popped into my head that must be straight from God because I don't usually think in terms of hymns. The song is In the Garden. The refrain says, "He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known." My relationship with Christ is the most special relationship I have. He does walk with me and he does talk with me. He whispers sweet encouragement to me and he is never harsh. Sometimes I think what have I done that God would allow me in this position at work and in my life. The truth, I have trusted him. He is in the business of refining. If I wasn't going through a tough time I might miss the sound of His voice. With that being said, I am encouraged to know that I can hear his voice during times of prosperity too. But, I must be faithful. Job was faithful when he lost everything. He didn't do anything to deserve that yet he continued to be true to God. He must have struggled with his thoughts just like I do at times but the truth comes back to Him being in control. That is where I find my peace and my strength.
Lately, work has been on my mind. It has been a struggle of the mind, quite honestly. I feel like people look at me differently there. I am not sure why. I didn't do anything that I know of. I know sometimes the gossip ring gets to flowing and people make things up. Why do they do that? Why do people have to be mean and hateful? Why do I even care? I go back to this feeling of heavy oppression at work. It is a feeling like what I felt in high school. It is this desire for people to like me. I want to be treated with respect. I feel like I go out of my way to treat others with respect. I don't talk about them behind their backs even though sometimes I want to be mean and hateful. When I feel like that I pray about it. I just don't get it.
So, I think about what thoughts fill my head. Thoughts about "I am not my brother's keeper" and "pray for those who persecute you." I feel a little like a major persecution is taking place. Again, I have to ask myself, why do I care? I care because I care about the truth coming out. I care about treating people fairly. I care about kindness and gentleness. I care about how others feel and I want them to care about how I feel. I feel like leader who has fallen from her position of leadership. I love leading but something happened.
All of this is very humbling and I kind of look at it for a minute and ask, what would Jesus do? He was perscuted more than any other. People could not handle the truth that he shared. Jesus pushed on. That is where I am struggling. I am having trouble pushing on. Sure, I am going to work and doing my job but I want more than that. I am a woman who loves relationships. The relationships at work are broken and that makes me sad.
I want to run away, honestly. I want to start fresh, start over. But, I know I can't do that. As I have prayed and asked God for wisdom the response is that He won't keep me there one day longer than he needs me there. He knows my heart. He knows I am hurting and at times, lonely at work. He also knows that it is through the tough times that we grow and change. We are refined. I feel like I am in the refining process and the fire is hot. So often I just want out of the fire. I want to be in the cool of stability. I want peace, internal peace. Even when chaos is flowing all around me I want the peace that surpasses all understanding. And the truth, that peace is available to me. I just have to accept it. It is a complete submission to Christ and his authority over my life. It is continuing to tell myself the truth. I am a good person with a good heart. I want to do what Christ has called me to do and right now, that is to work at COUNTRY. As I type that tears come to my eyes because that is not what I want. However, during this Easter season I am reminded that Christ did not want to die on the cross. He did not want to be separated from His Father yet that was what had to be done. He prayed and pleaded. In the end, he submitted.
Based on this, I have to give myself some grace. Once again, I see that Christ knows how I feel. He knows what it feels like to want something differently but to submit to his current situation. He knows which is why when I walk into work every morning he walks in with me. Honestly, when I walk into work I ask God to join me. I can't get through the day without him. I picture him holding my hand and saying, "let's do this together. You are not alone." And that is where there is peace.
A hymn just popped into my head that must be straight from God because I don't usually think in terms of hymns. The song is In the Garden. The refrain says, "He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known." My relationship with Christ is the most special relationship I have. He does walk with me and he does talk with me. He whispers sweet encouragement to me and he is never harsh. Sometimes I think what have I done that God would allow me in this position at work and in my life. The truth, I have trusted him. He is in the business of refining. If I wasn't going through a tough time I might miss the sound of His voice. With that being said, I am encouraged to know that I can hear his voice during times of prosperity too. But, I must be faithful. Job was faithful when he lost everything. He didn't do anything to deserve that yet he continued to be true to God. He must have struggled with his thoughts just like I do at times but the truth comes back to Him being in control. That is where I find my peace and my strength.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Moving On
Ever have those weeks that are just tough? I mean really tough. Not just physically but emotionally. It is the kind of week that leaves you feeling tired.
I had that kind of a week this past week and it was very tough. There was a situation at work that ended up hurting me emotionally very deeply. I hurt at the core of who I am. That doesn't happen very often. In the past I would have chosen to deal with the situation by stuffing my feelings and just "moving on" but this time was different. This time I decided to allow my emotions to run. I cried - a lot. I was hurt. I felt betrayed and so angry. I wanted peace but it wasn't at work and at times it wasn't at home either. I found myself on my knees pouring out my heart to God and he met with me. I was sitting down with my Bible yesterday morning and I had read my passages for the day. I just prayed a very simple pray, "Sorry Lord but this is all I have for you today. I am broken." As clearly as I can hear the Lord in the small part of my heart I felt him say, "That is okay. I love you and together we will make it through today."
The stillness of God. The promises of God. The truth of God. The legacy of God. The love of the heavenly Father, my Heavenly Father. I felt all of that this week and so much more. I realized that my experience was something Christ could relate to all too well. After Jesus had been arrested Peter, a very special disciple whom Jesus loved very much and I believe the feeling was mutual, betrayed Jesus. He said he did not know Jesus. OUCH! Wait a minute. You guys were best friends and you just denied knowing him. And to top it all off, Jesus said you would do that. Wow. That is brutal. So, Jesus knows how I felt. There is relief in that.
I have also seen just how far I have come and I give the glory to God. He has walked me through so much this past year. I kind of feel like I am on the verge of being done with the latest set of trials because I get it. I get where I have to go when life is tough. I get where I have to go when life is good. I get it. Not only do I get it, I believe it.
That is the difference, I actually believe that God truly loves me. I believe he has my best interest in hand. As I was thinking about it a little bit this morning the thought came to mind that maybe I was hurt by this situation at work to prevent me from being hurt even more deeply later.
I have had to look at some very serious topics this past week. I have had to look at anger. I have stared it in the face and chosen to do the right thing. I have had to take a look at the verse that talks about loving your enemies. Ouch. That is really tough - especially when you thought your enemies were friends. I have found that the best way for me to combat the anger is to pray for them. It is a very, very simple prayer. Lord, bless them. That is all I can muster.
I have had to look at hurt. Physical pain is one thing but emotional pain - that hurts in a different way. That hurts at the core of who I am. I had to ask myself who I was and the answer, I am a woman who loves people. When I prayed about what needed to do through this process the answer, love them.
Love them. I don't want to even look at them or be in the same area as them! But, that is the answer. I have to love them. I have to pray for them. That is part of my healing process. Revenge is God's. It is my responsibility to do as he commands and asks of me.
I have had to look at the past and the present. God has gently pulled me along on an amazing journey. The journey is far from over and I am confident there will be more challenges, some that seem daunting but I also know that God is faithful. Just as He has gently pulled me through this experience he will do that with whatever comes my way - one step at a time.
So, today, I am taking a day to take care of myself and enjoy time at home. I took an extra long shower, pampered myself with lotions, spent extra time on my make-up and did something I love to do, prepared a dinner for a neighbor that just had a baby. I get to share the love of Christ with others and that is what this life is all about. It is about sharing God's love with others, even those that persecute us. God is love. Since we are made in his image that also makes us love. What an amazing journey.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Hurt and trying to move on
Ever had those times when someone does something to you and you try to move on but are having a rough time? I am having one of those times now at work with the people I work with. I have confronted to no avail. I was told I was paranoid. You see, someone said I said something about someone but no one has the guts to say what I said. The injustice is what is bothering me more than anything. It hurts in my chest. The more I try to let it go the more I hold on to it.
Why do I care what others think of me? Why is that so important? I guess more than anything I want to make things right. That is kind of hard to do when you don't know what you did. The hardest part of all of this, I have to work with these people on a daily basis. I can't just ignore them. Maybe I can a little bit but I can't all together.
A good friend told me yesterday there is a good chance I haven't done anything other than stand strong for what I believe. That can be intimidating. True, but the hurt is still there. What do I do with the hurt? How do I move on?
Enter, God. I can't do this alone. I have cried out to him so much over this situation. I have found myself literally on my knees begging for wisdom and guidence - some relief. Last night our study was on forgiving debts - all kinds of debts. That means forgiving people who don't know any better. That means putting the past behind and moving forward. That is so tough for me to do for some reason. Why?
Lord, help me today please. Send me some joy and open my eyes so that I don't miss it. Let that be my focus instead of pettiness and caddiness. Help me to be above that. Heal me please. Let me know the truth and may that set me free.
Why do I care what others think of me? Why is that so important? I guess more than anything I want to make things right. That is kind of hard to do when you don't know what you did. The hardest part of all of this, I have to work with these people on a daily basis. I can't just ignore them. Maybe I can a little bit but I can't all together.
A good friend told me yesterday there is a good chance I haven't done anything other than stand strong for what I believe. That can be intimidating. True, but the hurt is still there. What do I do with the hurt? How do I move on?
Enter, God. I can't do this alone. I have cried out to him so much over this situation. I have found myself literally on my knees begging for wisdom and guidence - some relief. Last night our study was on forgiving debts - all kinds of debts. That means forgiving people who don't know any better. That means putting the past behind and moving forward. That is so tough for me to do for some reason. Why?
Lord, help me today please. Send me some joy and open my eyes so that I don't miss it. Let that be my focus instead of pettiness and caddiness. Help me to be above that. Heal me please. Let me know the truth and may that set me free.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Kind of like posting
So, I decided I kind of like posting new blogs. Kind of fun. Kind of interesting. Kind of lets me get my thoughts out. I kind of like that!
So, this weekend was very nice. I love time at home with my boys. Dave has hit a turning point in his struggles with perfectionism and it has been an amazing transformation. There is freedom when we realize we need to persue excellence, not perfection. Thanks to The Birth Order book by Kevin Leman, both Dave and I are in persuit of excellence instead of perfection. Good thing too because we are definintely not perfect.
I was reminded of that this past weekend. We went to visit some friends and Will was all over the place during dinner. He had already eaten and decided that he wanted to bang on the tray instead of just sit there. Honestly, I don't blame him. He was kind of bored. So, I let him down. My hope was that he would just play by himself and for the most part he did. However, I had a hard time enjoying the conversation because I was not comfortable with our friends not being comfortable. I felt like they were looking down on us because Will is not a "perfect" child. Even as I write this I am convicted. I want Will to be perfect at times because I think it is a reflection of what Dave and I are doing with him. STOP!
Truth time. Dave and I are learning as we go but we are doing an okay job. We have a happy little guy that loves us dearly. He loves to explore and loves to test his boundaries. Our job is to make sure those boundaries are in place. We are working with him on training him up instead of waiting for him to need correction. For example, I worked with him a little bit on teaching him to come to me on the first call this weekend. He was on the floor playing and I would say, "Come to mama." When he would come I would praise him. The time that he didn't I went over, picked him up and then took him back to where he was originally sitting so we could try it again. It worked! Will is a pleaser kind of like me. He hates it when he disappoints us.
I kind of think about myself in this light. I too am a pleaser. I hate it when people are not happy with me and even more so when there is nothing I can do about it. As I have prayed about a situation at work this weekend the thought continually comes to mind, pray for your enemies. Pray for those poeple that hurt you. Part of me wants to treat them the same way they are treating me but that is not the right thing to do. So, time for some space. Time for a time out. Time for prayer. Prayer changes things ten fold. Prayer repairs relationships. Prayer restores time lost. Prayer restores my heart and keeps me focused on what is important. Prayer lifts my burdens and replaces them with joy. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you are faced with trials because the testing of your faith produces perserverance and that is what will carry me through.
Pure joy. It is not an emotion. It is a state of being. It is the result of choices we make. It is a free gift. It does not mean I will feel happy persay but rather that I know I am doing God's will and that makes all the difference.
So, this weekend was very nice. I love time at home with my boys. Dave has hit a turning point in his struggles with perfectionism and it has been an amazing transformation. There is freedom when we realize we need to persue excellence, not perfection. Thanks to The Birth Order book by Kevin Leman, both Dave and I are in persuit of excellence instead of perfection. Good thing too because we are definintely not perfect.
I was reminded of that this past weekend. We went to visit some friends and Will was all over the place during dinner. He had already eaten and decided that he wanted to bang on the tray instead of just sit there. Honestly, I don't blame him. He was kind of bored. So, I let him down. My hope was that he would just play by himself and for the most part he did. However, I had a hard time enjoying the conversation because I was not comfortable with our friends not being comfortable. I felt like they were looking down on us because Will is not a "perfect" child. Even as I write this I am convicted. I want Will to be perfect at times because I think it is a reflection of what Dave and I are doing with him. STOP!
Truth time. Dave and I are learning as we go but we are doing an okay job. We have a happy little guy that loves us dearly. He loves to explore and loves to test his boundaries. Our job is to make sure those boundaries are in place. We are working with him on training him up instead of waiting for him to need correction. For example, I worked with him a little bit on teaching him to come to me on the first call this weekend. He was on the floor playing and I would say, "Come to mama." When he would come I would praise him. The time that he didn't I went over, picked him up and then took him back to where he was originally sitting so we could try it again. It worked! Will is a pleaser kind of like me. He hates it when he disappoints us.
I kind of think about myself in this light. I too am a pleaser. I hate it when people are not happy with me and even more so when there is nothing I can do about it. As I have prayed about a situation at work this weekend the thought continually comes to mind, pray for your enemies. Pray for those poeple that hurt you. Part of me wants to treat them the same way they are treating me but that is not the right thing to do. So, time for some space. Time for a time out. Time for prayer. Prayer changes things ten fold. Prayer repairs relationships. Prayer restores time lost. Prayer restores my heart and keeps me focused on what is important. Prayer lifts my burdens and replaces them with joy. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you are faced with trials because the testing of your faith produces perserverance and that is what will carry me through.
Pure joy. It is not an emotion. It is a state of being. It is the result of choices we make. It is a free gift. It does not mean I will feel happy persay but rather that I know I am doing God's will and that makes all the difference.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Trials & Blessings
It is always amazing to me how life can be rolling along, things can be good and then, you can hite a huge pothole in the road. I have always thought about potholes as being a bad thing but today, I have a different perspective. I think it can be a major pothole that leaves me with a flat tire or it can be a reminder to slow down.
Today I had a choice to make. I had a pothole and I was sinking in it. I was being swallowed up by it kind of like sinking in quick sand. It was about a situation at work I have absolutely no control over. It does effect me but I think in it effecting me I am growing as a person.
I am a pleaser, definintely. I like to please poeple and like for people to be pleased with me. Both issues can be a problem but also good. There is a happy medium. Part of who God made me to be is a pleaser but more than a pleaser, an encourager. I love to encourage poeple. I love to be a part of their life in any way I can be. But, here is the issue. When I am trying to please people I am doing it on my own merit and I miss the blessings that God can provide. When I feel God's prompting to encourage people both me and the other person receive the blessing. So, the moral of this story, chat with God first, and please second.
I love how God kind of reminds us of a message. So, I went for a walk and just prayed about my situation at work. Do I confront this person or not? The answer was different than the one I received two weeks ago when I had to confront a different person (been a rough few weeks). The answer, just pray for her. "God, are you sure? I mean, you are teaching me how to confront and all. Maybe I should just ask her what her beef is with me." And the answer again was please don't question me. Just pray for her. She is hurting right now and searching for acceptance in the wrong places. Yes, you are receiving the brunt of the attack (a silent attack which in my opinion is the worse kind) but my grace and love for you are sufficient. Then I felt like I was suppose to go back and read my devotional again from Proverbs 31 ministries. It was all about having Faith. The verse was perfect, "Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth" (Col 3:2). Not on things or people. I have to retrain my mind to look up to God when the tire is hitting a pothole instead of trying to push the car through it. One option has grace, the other is very difficult and energy zapping.
Another blessing was a post I was reading from Gillian Peabody. Her son died last fall from a brain tumor and her posts over the past few months have been precious. They have been a true pouring out of her heart and what God is teaching her. She is so honest. Her post today was about being tired and she equated it to a spiritual drowsiness. She needed to engage but didn't have the strength. Instead, she trusted God and he engaged for her. It reminded me that the same God who is crazy about Gillian is crazy about me. He loves me so much. That is the truth. That is what is important.
Today I had a choice to make. I had a pothole and I was sinking in it. I was being swallowed up by it kind of like sinking in quick sand. It was about a situation at work I have absolutely no control over. It does effect me but I think in it effecting me I am growing as a person.
I am a pleaser, definintely. I like to please poeple and like for people to be pleased with me. Both issues can be a problem but also good. There is a happy medium. Part of who God made me to be is a pleaser but more than a pleaser, an encourager. I love to encourage poeple. I love to be a part of their life in any way I can be. But, here is the issue. When I am trying to please people I am doing it on my own merit and I miss the blessings that God can provide. When I feel God's prompting to encourage people both me and the other person receive the blessing. So, the moral of this story, chat with God first, and please second.
I love how God kind of reminds us of a message. So, I went for a walk and just prayed about my situation at work. Do I confront this person or not? The answer was different than the one I received two weeks ago when I had to confront a different person (been a rough few weeks). The answer, just pray for her. "God, are you sure? I mean, you are teaching me how to confront and all. Maybe I should just ask her what her beef is with me." And the answer again was please don't question me. Just pray for her. She is hurting right now and searching for acceptance in the wrong places. Yes, you are receiving the brunt of the attack (a silent attack which in my opinion is the worse kind) but my grace and love for you are sufficient. Then I felt like I was suppose to go back and read my devotional again from Proverbs 31 ministries. It was all about having Faith. The verse was perfect, "Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth" (Col 3:2). Not on things or people. I have to retrain my mind to look up to God when the tire is hitting a pothole instead of trying to push the car through it. One option has grace, the other is very difficult and energy zapping.
Another blessing was a post I was reading from Gillian Peabody. Her son died last fall from a brain tumor and her posts over the past few months have been precious. They have been a true pouring out of her heart and what God is teaching her. She is so honest. Her post today was about being tired and she equated it to a spiritual drowsiness. She needed to engage but didn't have the strength. Instead, she trusted God and he engaged for her. It reminded me that the same God who is crazy about Gillian is crazy about me. He loves me so much. That is the truth. That is what is important.
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