Moving On

Ever have those weeks that are just tough?  I mean really tough.  Not just physically but emotionally.  It is the kind of week that leaves you feeling tired.

I had that kind of a week this past week and it was very tough.  There was a situation at work that ended up hurting me emotionally very deeply.  I hurt at the core of who I am.  That doesn't happen very often.  In the past I would have chosen to deal with the situation by stuffing my feelings and just "moving on" but this time was different.  This time I decided to allow my emotions to run.  I cried - a lot.  I was hurt.  I felt betrayed and so angry.  I wanted peace but it wasn't at work and at times it wasn't at home either.  I found myself on my knees pouring out my heart to God and he met with me.  I was sitting down with my Bible yesterday morning and I had read my passages for the day.  I just prayed a very simple pray, "Sorry Lord but this is all I have for you today.  I am broken."  As clearly as I can hear the Lord in the small part of my heart I felt him say, "That is okay.  I love you and together we will make it through today." 

The stillness of God.  The promises of God.  The truth of God.  The legacy of God.  The love of the heavenly Father, my Heavenly Father.  I felt all of that this week and so much more.  I realized that my experience was something Christ could relate to all too well.  After Jesus had been arrested Peter, a very special disciple whom Jesus loved very much and I believe the feeling was mutual, betrayed Jesus.  He said he did not know Jesus.  OUCH!  Wait a minute.  You guys were best friends and you just denied knowing him.  And to top it all off, Jesus said you would do that.  Wow.  That is brutal.  So, Jesus knows how I felt.  There is relief in that.

I have also seen just how far I have come and I give the glory to God.  He has walked me through so much this past year.  I kind of feel like I am on the verge of being done with the latest set of trials because I get it.  I get where I have to go when life is tough.  I get where I have to go when life is good.  I get it.  Not only do I get it, I believe it.

That is the difference, I actually believe that God truly loves me.  I believe he has my best interest in hand.  As I was thinking about it a little bit this morning the thought came to mind that maybe I was hurt by this situation at work to prevent me from being hurt even more deeply later.  

I have had to look at some very serious topics this past week.  I have had to look at anger.  I have stared it in the face and chosen to do the right thing.  I have had to take a look at the verse that talks about loving your enemies.  Ouch.  That is really tough - especially when you thought your enemies were friends.  I have found that the best way for me to combat the anger is to pray for them.  It is a very, very simple prayer.  Lord, bless them.  That is all I can muster.

I have had to look at hurt.  Physical pain is one thing but emotional pain - that hurts in a different way.  That hurts at the core of who I am.  I had to ask myself who I was and the answer, I am a woman who loves people.  When I prayed about what needed to do through this process the answer, love them.  

Love them.  I don't want to even look at them or be in the same area as them!  But, that is the answer.  I have to love them.  I have to pray for them.  That is part of my healing process.  Revenge is God's.  It is my responsibility to do as he commands and asks of me.

I have had to look at the past and the present.  God has gently pulled me along on an amazing journey.  The journey is far from over and I am confident there will be more challenges, some that seem daunting but I also know that God is faithful.  Just as He has gently pulled me through this experience he will do that with whatever comes my way - one step at a time.

So, today, I am taking a day to take care of myself and enjoy time at home.  I took an extra long shower, pampered myself with lotions, spent extra time on my make-up and did something I love to do, prepared a dinner for a neighbor that just had a baby.  I get to share the love of Christ with others and that is what this life is all about.  It is about sharing God's love with others, even those that persecute us.  God is love.  Since we are made in his image that also makes us love.  What an amazing journey.

Hurt and trying to move on

Ever had those times when someone does something to you and you try to move on but are having a rough time? I am having one of those times now at work with the people I work with. I have confronted to no avail. I was told I was paranoid. You see, someone said I said something about someone but no one has the guts to say what I said. The injustice is what is bothering me more than anything. It hurts in my chest. The more I try to let it go the more I hold on to it.

Why do I care what others think of me? Why is that so important? I guess more than anything I want to make things right. That is kind of hard to do when you don't know what you did. The hardest part of all of this, I have to work with these people on a daily basis. I can't just ignore them. Maybe I can a little bit but I can't all together.

A good friend told me yesterday there is a good chance I haven't done anything other than stand strong for what I believe. That can be intimidating. True, but the hurt is still there. What do I do with the hurt? How do I move on?

Enter, God. I can't do this alone. I have cried out to him so much over this situation. I have found myself literally on my knees begging for wisdom and guidence - some relief. Last night our study was on forgiving debts - all kinds of debts. That means forgiving people who don't know any better. That means putting the past behind and moving forward. That is so tough for me to do for some reason. Why?

Lord, help me today please. Send me some joy and open my eyes so that I don't miss it. Let that be my focus instead of pettiness and caddiness. Help me to be above that. Heal me please. Let me know the truth and may that set me free.

Kind of like posting

So, I decided I kind of like posting new blogs. Kind of fun. Kind of interesting. Kind of lets me get my thoughts out. I kind of like that!

So, this weekend was very nice. I love time at home with my boys. Dave has hit a turning point in his struggles with perfectionism and it has been an amazing transformation. There is freedom when we realize we need to persue excellence, not perfection. Thanks to The Birth Order book by Kevin Leman, both Dave and I are in persuit of excellence instead of perfection. Good thing too because we are definintely not perfect.

I was reminded of that this past weekend. We went to visit some friends and Will was all over the place during dinner. He had already eaten and decided that he wanted to bang on the tray instead of just sit there. Honestly, I don't blame him. He was kind of bored. So, I let him down. My hope was that he would just play by himself and for the most part he did. However, I had a hard time enjoying the conversation because I was not comfortable with our friends not being comfortable. I felt like they were looking down on us because Will is not a "perfect" child. Even as I write this I am convicted. I want Will to be perfect at times because I think it is a reflection of what Dave and I are doing with him. STOP!

Truth time. Dave and I are learning as we go but we are doing an okay job. We have a happy little guy that loves us dearly. He loves to explore and loves to test his boundaries. Our job is to make sure those boundaries are in place. We are working with him on training him up instead of waiting for him to need correction. For example, I worked with him a little bit on teaching him to come to me on the first call this weekend. He was on the floor playing and I would say, "Come to mama." When he would come I would praise him. The time that he didn't I went over, picked him up and then took him back to where he was originally sitting so we could try it again. It worked! Will is a pleaser kind of like me. He hates it when he disappoints us.

I kind of think about myself in this light. I too am a pleaser. I hate it when people are not happy with me and even more so when there is nothing I can do about it. As I have prayed about a situation at work this weekend the thought continually comes to mind, pray for your enemies. Pray for those poeple that hurt you. Part of me wants to treat them the same way they are treating me but that is not the right thing to do. So, time for some space. Time for a time out. Time for prayer. Prayer changes things ten fold. Prayer repairs relationships. Prayer restores time lost. Prayer restores my heart and keeps me focused on what is important. Prayer lifts my burdens and replaces them with joy. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you are faced with trials because the testing of your faith produces perserverance and that is what will carry me through.

Pure joy. It is not an emotion. It is a state of being. It is the result of choices we make. It is a free gift. It does not mean I will feel happy persay but rather that I know I am doing God's will and that makes all the difference.

Trials & Blessings

It is always amazing to me how life can be rolling along, things can be good and then, you can hite a huge pothole in the road. I have always thought about potholes as being a bad thing but today, I have a different perspective. I think it can be a major pothole that leaves me with a flat tire or it can be a reminder to slow down.

Today I had a choice to make. I had a pothole and I was sinking in it. I was being swallowed up by it kind of like sinking in quick sand. It was about a situation at work I have absolutely no control over. It does effect me but I think in it effecting me I am growing as a person.

I am a pleaser, definintely. I like to please poeple and like for people to be pleased with me. Both issues can be a problem but also good. There is a happy medium. Part of who God made me to be is a pleaser but more than a pleaser, an encourager. I love to encourage poeple. I love to be a part of their life in any way I can be. But, here is the issue. When I am trying to please people I am doing it on my own merit and I miss the blessings that God can provide. When I feel God's prompting to encourage people both me and the other person receive the blessing. So, the moral of this story, chat with God first, and please second.

I love how God kind of reminds us of a message. So, I went for a walk and just prayed about my situation at work. Do I confront this person or not? The answer was different than the one I received two weeks ago when I had to confront a different person (been a rough few weeks). The answer, just pray for her. "God, are you sure? I mean, you are teaching me how to confront and all. Maybe I should just ask her what her beef is with me." And the answer again was please don't question me. Just pray for her. She is hurting right now and searching for acceptance in the wrong places. Yes, you are receiving the brunt of the attack (a silent attack which in my opinion is the worse kind) but my grace and love for you are sufficient. Then I felt like I was suppose to go back and read my devotional again from Proverbs 31 ministries. It was all about having Faith. The verse was perfect, "Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth" (Col 3:2). Not on things or people. I have to retrain my mind to look up to God when the tire is hitting a pothole instead of trying to push the car through it. One option has grace, the other is very difficult and energy zapping.

Another blessing was a post I was reading from Gillian Peabody. Her son died last fall from a brain tumor and her posts over the past few months have been precious. They have been a true pouring out of her heart and what God is teaching her. She is so honest. Her post today was about being tired and she equated it to a spiritual drowsiness. She needed to engage but didn't have the strength. Instead, she trusted God and he engaged for her. It reminded me that the same God who is crazy about Gillian is crazy about me. He loves me so much. That is the truth. That is what is important.

A Gentle Reminder

Do you ever wake up angry? I do. I did this morning. I was angry about my husband and the struggles he is going through. I wanted to do something but what? So, I got on my knees and poured out my heart to God asking him to make me clean on the inside. Throughout the morning God has dropped little hints in my lap of how much he loves me. I was looking for a verse to put on Will's album and came across this one, "He tends to his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11.

I think God wrote this verse just for me, just for today. I am part of his flock and I was struggling this morning. He holds me close to His heart. I am wrapped up in his arms. No matter how much I kick and scream Jesus is still holding me. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to share everything with him, my struggles and praises. He wants me to be honest. I was honest this morning. It felt a little ackward. Why should I be angry at the man I love so much? Dave is a gift that has been given to me. Yet, I saw him this morning as selfish and lazy. The struggle is that it might appear he is selfish and lazy on the outside but on the inside I know he is struggling with himself. He struggles with selfishness. He struggles with perfection that can be misconstrued at laziness. He listens to the lies and it keeps him sick.

Enter God. The God of the universe promises to carry me close to his heart but this verse is also true for Dave. God will hold him close, love on him and pull him from the pit of dispair. There is an awesome verse in the Book Breaking Free by Beth Moore that talks about why Christ came. It is in Isaiah. It says, "He has anointed me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of dispair and the garmet of praise in stead of mourning. " Isaiah 61:1-3.

Also, I heard on the radio a song this morning about how God puts people together. We are put together because we are a strong combo. Otherwise, we would not be together. Pride and resentment damage that relationship but God builds it back up. Thank you, Lord, for your mercy, grace and fingerprints on everyday. You are the ultimate encouragement.

Confrontation - Easier Over Time

So, I have an experience I wanted to share about. There was a lady at work I was having a conflict with but I wasn't sure what the conflict was over. I had im'ed her one day asking if we were okay and she said sure. I did not buy it but wanted to give it a little time (and honestly, did not want to confront the situation). I mulled over it all weekend and by today, I could not take it any longer. I had to find out what was going on. I even cried over it. So, I went for a short walk and prayed about it. As I listened quietly I knew what I had to do. I had to have a face to face confrontation.

Now, for people that know me they know I hate confrontation. I use to not do it. I would just stuff my feelings. I have begun to turn over a new leaf. I have to confront situations because they naw at me. It was to the point today that I did not even want to come to work. I cried over this for cryin' out loud. I was hurt because the cold shoulder was more than I could take and I did not know what I had done.

Turns out, the playful banter had caused some pain. We would joke with each other and sometimes it gets out of hand. It did. Thankfully, God, in his infinite wisdom gave me the courage to confront her and mend our relationship. We were friends. Thankfully, I think we are still friends. We have a better understanding of each other now. I have asked her to let me know when I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt her feelings and she is going to do the same with me. In some ways, we now have a deeper relationship. We have had a conflict and are rising above it. I feel like literally one thousand pounds has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Lord for the opportunity and the courage to confront the situation.

Another thing that has come out of this is that I am so thankful for the way my husband handles conflict, external anyway. He confronts the situation. I never have to wonder if I have said something that has hurt his feelings. He is quick to let me know. Sometimes this can be draining but I will take this any day over the cold shoulder. And I need to keep that in mind. I can be the giver of the cold shoulder at times. Man, that must make people feel really rotten. Yuck.

So, next time, and there will be a next time, hopefully I can confront the situation sooner instead of letting it last a week. The stress has been unbelievable this past week. Running from problems never solves anything. Confronting them solves everything.

Pressing on Towards the Goal

What is a goal? Do I have any goals? Yes, I do. As a matter of fact, I have several. Granted, some of them are long term and there is no way I can spead up the result but some are shorter term. Here are some of them (I am kind of into lists right now!)

Short term
I would like to have another baby
I would like to train for another marathon and qualify for the Boston Marathon
I would like to go hiking in the Grand Canyon
I would like to be a stay at home mom
I would like to finish the Birth Order book and Breaking Free (I have someone that is going to read Breaking Free with me - yea!)
I would like to make dinner for my hubby for tomorrow night when he gets home
I would like to get my laundry folded (been sitting in a pile for three days now - YIKES!)
I want to be able to encourage someone every day (already had the opportunity today!)
I want to lose another 20 pounds (16 down since Will)

Long Term Goals
I want to raise Will to be a God fearing young man who loves the Lord at a young age
I want to travel to Greece with my hubby
I want to get completely out of debt
I want to be comfortable in my own skin the majority of the time
I want to have a deeper love of Christ and trust Him all the time instead of just when it is convenient.
I want to write a devotional book and maybe do public speaking - more sharing my heart with others

What are your goals?