Lessons I am Learning

First of all, I give all the glory to God for the lessons I am learning. They are very hard lessons but they are valuable and life changing.

Last night, again, I did not sleep very well. My husband was so gentle and kind. He slept on the couch so I could have the opportunity to sleep well. When I got up and told him I had not slept very well and that I was frustrated he was very wise. He said, "Don't be frustrated because that is just another word for anxiety." I had never thought about that before but it makes sense. I am frustrated because of something I cannot change. When I get frustrated I get angry at myself instead of loving myself. There is a little voice that comments louder in louder in me, "Em'ly, just love yourself just the way you are. You are okay." What a blessing! I am okay. I might struggle with anxiety but it is not because of something I haven't done or have done. It is because life is tough and on this side of heaven, we will have struggles. Masking that or trying to push it aside as to act like it doesn't exist is a lie - a lie to myself and I can't love myself if I am lying to myself.

Lesson #2 - Sugar is not my friend. A few months ago I felt very passionately that I needed to give up refined sugars. As I prayed for God to heal me time and time again the answer was give up refined sugars. This means sugars in sweets, mostly. Well, I have had several opportunities to try this theory. When I eat sugary foods (mostly on the weekend) it is followed by a few nights of insomnia. So, this weekend, no sugars. Ironically, it hasn't been that hard to avoid them. it has been more of a thing of them being available so I eat them. It isn't like I am on a diet or anything but more an act of obedience. That is kind of a bummer because I really like sweets but in the end, I am learning a valuable lesson and possibly the root cause of my anxiety. I can give up sugars for that!

Lesson #3 - Feelings are okay to have. I grew up in a family where there were few feelings, at least that were encouraged. Success was key. Competition was key. If you wanted attention you had to fight for it. As a result, I stood back. I didn't need the attention, so I thought. I was wrong. I did need the attention. I needed to be a kid and I lost that opportunity. It wasn't necessarily me but rather the circumstances. I felt like I had to be happy most of the time or something was wrong. Turns out, we have many more emotions than just happiness, joy, and excitement. We have built in emotions that tell us when something is wrong. Anxiety is one of those emotions for me. For the longest time I thought it was a psychological problem. However, the more I learn about anxiety and the root cause of it, an imbalance in chemicals, I am more convinced sugars might play a roll in all of this. The anxiety could very well have been a symptom of an imbalance in my chemistry. Medicine is the easy solution and one that I will partake of for now but I am committed to resolving anxiety for the long term. Another reason why I think it is a chemical imbalance is because when I was pregnant I had very few problems with anxiety. It was like it did not exist. It was a blessing and gave me further ammunition to find the root of the problem.

So, what is next? No more sweets. Meds for now and faith that God is in control of this situation, 100%. He loves me and not only promises not to give me more than I can handle but promises to walk through this season with me. I cannot imagine not knowing God as my personal Savior.

Case of Insomnia

Ever have those nights where you just toss and turn. Everything in the world is fine but your mind just won't settle down. I hate those nights. Grrrr.... It is an internal battle. My body says rest but my mind says hey, did you think about this. Honestly, I think it is a spiritual attack. I hate to give Satan credit but I think that is what it boils down to.

I have to say, these bouts of insomnia are much less frequent than they use to be which is amazing and a testimony to God of his healing power. And,when I suffer with a night of it it gives me time to reflect a little bit.

I struggle with my schedule. I like to knwow hat I am doing on a daily basis. I like order. Right now at work, there is none of that. Every day is a day where I am looking for something to do. So, I am filling my time with some home stuff but what about when that is finished. Then what? And the cycle continues. The struggle with contentness. Why do we have such a hard time just being content where we are at? As a friend shared with me yesterday, this side of heaven, we are going to struggle. It is the nature of the fall of man. Does that mean I don't get to be happy? Does that mean I give up the hope of contentness?

And then, enter Christ. I find myself clinging to Him during these times of discontentment. I find myself wrestling with Him and asking why? Why do I struggle to be content? Sometimes it isn;t a struggle at all and other times it is huge! And the worse part, I look at my life and really have nothing to be all that concerned about. Sure, I would rather be home than at work but I see God working through me at work. Sure, I would rather my husband not have struggles with motivation and depression but the reality is, he does. What do I do with that?

Well, once again, I find myself at the cross. I find myself on my knees asking for strength to make it through another day. I ask for my eyes to be open to the blessings in my life and that I will embrace those blessings. I have a sweet family that loves to encourage. I love to encourage others. It is part of who I am. I was made to love people. I am a little girl loved by the most Heavenly Father. He has choosen me as His own and he is proud of me. He loves my determination to overcome anxiety. He loves my heart. He created it. He loves that I crawl up in His lap and rest in his arms until I have the strength to continue on. He loves that I all out to Him, "Lord, help me. Give me direction. Fill my heart with joy."

As I learn more about God I find myself at a cross roads. Do I walk the walk with Him or do I do it on my own. Honestly, that is a struggle. On the outside my initial response is of course, I want to walk the walk with Him. The honest answer is that it is hard road. It is hard to do the right thing sometimes. But, it is always the right thing to do.

Honesty. As I grow in my relationship with God and as a person I have discovered something very important about myself. I really try to hide my emotions. I really try to search for everything to always be okay. But, the truth is I have emotions. I have the good with the bad. It is when I grow. I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have in a long time but they are tears that say, "hey, something isn't quite right, and that is okay." I have cried over my husband and his struggles. I have cried over the fact that my little boy is growing up. I have cried over spilt maccronni (honesty, I did). What I have found out is that those tears are refreshing. They let out a little piece of me that has been stuffed for so long. It is okay to feel emotions - all of them. As I continue to tell myself my old way of thinking that only good emotions were acceptable falls by the wayside. I have compassion for people like I never had before. I find myself interested in what is going on in the life of people more now than before. I find I do pray for people when I say I will because I know what it is like to struggle. And, I find that I like myself because of that. As God whispered in my ear the other day, "Em'ly, you are okay."

So, time to start the day. Time to read my Bible and cling to the words in it. Time to pray for my friends and praise God for them. Time to love on my family. Time to be the me God created me to be, emotions and all...

Thoughts

This time of the year can be an amazing time of the year. Just yesterday I was thinking about the season and about why we celebrate it. It is not for presents or time with family. We are celebrating the birth of Jesus, our Savior. He came as a small little man in very meek surroundings. He was provided for though. He had a roof over his head, a place to lay his head, and a mom and dad who were, I am sure, incredibly proud. When he arrived he did what babies do. He ate from his mother, loved to be held and loved. He was a baby.

I think about Mary. She was a mom who probably felt many of the feelings I feel about my little guy. He brought her incredible joy. She did not know what was ahead but she knew she loved the little man with a mother's love. That love is hard to explain but it is very special. It is an unconditional love that welcomes a child back. It is a love that never stops loving. It is a love that is proud and excited.

That brings me to thinking abuot the love Christ has for me. He loves unconditionally. He loves with open arms. He loves with joy and laughter. He loves with a smile on his face. I would be crushed if ever Will stopped accepting my love and I assume God feels he same way. When I reject him I am sure it makes him sad, as it would me. But, when I come back to him with open arms and a very apologetic heart, he welcomes me back as if I had never left. He has a smile on his face and hugs me with his open arms. HE is a personal God and yet, he is God of the universe. A God that put the sun into place and created an environment just perfect for human life also has the time and wants a relationship with me. When I think about that I fall more in love with God.

For some, it can also be a very painful time of the year. This year some friends will be without their little boy for their first Christmas. Two families we love dearly will enjoy potentially the last Christmas all together. Amidst the joy there is sorrow. And yet, the same personal God who loves me unconditionally loves these people and will hold them tightly this season. My prayer for them is that God would be real in their lives this Christmas. He would love them with a special love only a Father who has lost a child knows. He will love them with a peace that only comes from God. He will love them through the prayers of others. Sorrow is an emotion that is slightly uncomfortable yet it is an emotional of healing.

God is Good

Need I say more?

Seriously, as I had breakfast with some ladies this morning I reminded of how good life is and how good God is. I was also reminded of what a gift it is to be called a child of God.

A dear friend was describing some of the struggles her extended family is having with her brother-in-law. The missing factor, Jesus. Instead, there is a mix of addictions and misery. It is so sad. As I sat there and listened I thought about what makes me different from that family. I mean, I have a mom who has an addiction to the point that we cannot spend time with her at this time. The difference is we made the choice to have a time of separation. This particular family has not made that decission yet and it is not the right decission for every family. It was we had to do and it has been the best for everyone involved.

Another difference I noticed is that we have a relationship with Christ. Why are people so quick to discount God? I think part of it is because we live in a very "quick fix" society. I am guilty of wanting quick fixes. However, God is not a God of quick fixes. He is methodical and percise with his healing. Can he heal instantly? Of course he can but he sometimes takes his time. Each experience is a stepping stone to our life. Instead of looking at trials as something bad, maybe they can be something to rejoice in. Paul says we are suppose to rejoice during our times of difficulty because the testing of our faith produces perserverance. That is the stepping stone. We are in the process of becoming all that Christ created us to be, but it is a process.

Another difference I noticed is that there is so much worry and stress in life and personally, I am becoming very aware of that. God tells us in his word over and over not to worry about anything but rather to pray about everything. I was thinking about that this morning in my quiet time. Literally, if I am praying about everything how would I get anything done. Yet if I am always praying than I am not doing anything but praying. So, taking it out of the literal context a little bit, what if I invite Jesus to be part of my daily life so that he is always walking beside me and influencing my decissions. It is kind of like an open ended prayer that never ends. Kind of intersting to think about and mind boggling at the same time.

And finally, a key word has popped into my head as of late. The word is WAIT. This is different than having patience. This is waiting in the context of God and His direction. God never does things fast. If he always did he would be like us in our society and I honestly don't think that is what he desires. Instead, I think he loves it when we spend time with him. He loves it when we cling to his Word. He loves it when we cry out to him whether we are happy or sad. He loves it when we admit our faults and failures and desire to turn from sin. He loves it when we admit we cannot do life without him.

That is where I have found myself recently. It is almost surreal but I have found myself receiving many blessings for things I had very little, if any control over. My eyes have been on the bigger picture. There was a sun rise this morning and the leaves are beautiful. I got to talk with my brother today and the conversation was incredibly encouraging. I got to serve my family by picking up our house a little bit and I will get to serve them again this afternoon and evening. I love my family and when I have a servant's heart instead of a human heart, I am a different person. I care differently. It becomes about other people, not me. I have to take care of myself but there is so much joy in serving, when I serve with the right motives.

God is good.

Misc Thoughts

Last night as I was journaling it hit me in a different way. It was an an oh my moment. The definition of mom was redefined for me. When Will was born I became his mom but last night I experienced what it truly means to be a mom. I experienced letting go of that little guy a little bit more. Every day is an exercise in letting go a little more but last night was a defined stopping point of an activity I have been doing with him since he was born. I weaned him completely. And a part of my heart is sad.

I am a little sad because this activity was something only I could do with Will. It was something very special between me and him. It connected us in a way that I had never been connected to someone before. I provided nurishment to him. Granted, there were sacrifices. But they were well worth it. The sacrifices were nothing compared to the joy it gave me and the satisfaction of taking care of my little guy. And he let me.

So, I was thinking about how this correlates to Christ. God is in the process of refining us. That means going through some tough times. That means He choose to give his Son up for my salvation - eternal salvation with Him. That is such a gift and so satisfying. But, there is a cost for this freedom. The cost, God had to let his only son die. Oh my goodness. His death was something his Father did. This is where I know God is so much bigger than anything I can imagine. I cannot imagine watching my son die for the sins of many people who don't or won't acknowsledge him. I would be so angry and disheartened. But, there is joy in this journey. God saw the sins of all of his children and wanted to save all of them but could only do that through the sacrifice of his Son. He let go. In fact, he separated himself completely from his Son for three whole days. Life without God for three days - the thought is so saddening.

And to think I am one of God's children. He loves me so much that he sent his only Son to die for a sinner like me. He holds me in his arms and walks with me through all my trials. He gives me compassion and a gentle spirit. He teaches me but not without some struggles. The verse that comes to mind is the one about perserverance so that we can encourage others when they could through similar struggles. There will be struggles but how we deal with them, whether we turn to God or turn to other things, that is what will change us and make us more into the children God desires us to be. Becoming more like Christ is a day by day process. Eventually, I will wake up and have an aw-ha moment and the love of Christ will overflow in my life. The difference between that now and then, I will be changed because I will better comprehend his love for me.

My walk through motherhood is teaching me more about God's love for me. When I look into Will's eyes and he laughs it makes me laugh. When he is crying I want to provide whatever he needs. God is the same. He wants to provide and change lives. The process takes time - a life time.

Anger & Pride - A Bad Combo

God has been so good to me lately. He is taking me on a journey that leads straight to his leadings and promptings. Without him, I am very lost and for awhile I have been without him.

I believed a lie that I think many people believe. It is a lie that engages pride. It is a lie that says, "I can do it on my own and I don't need any help." It is a little lie that is like a weed. It begins with confidence, which in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, when the weed is not torn out it begins to take over the garden of the heart and the home of the Holy Spirit. When that happens, Christ gets lost in the shuffle.

Don't get me wrong. He is always there but my focus is not. My focus is on the pride. My focus is on what I don't have instead of what God has blessed me with. My focus is on the past instead of "forgetting the past and straining towards what is ahead." While the past is the building blocks that make us who we are the past is gone. It cannot change the future. We can learn from the past but we can't have the past back to make things better.

Instead, we can look at the future as a clean slate. We can look at the present as a clean slate and enjoy every moment of it. I am reading a book right now by Charles Swindoll called Laugh Again. It is about finding joy in potentially joyless situations. It is about looking for the truth in every situation and standing firm on the grounds that God is in control. While that is a cliche that many people toss around I have been challenged to take that thought out for a test drive. Join me on this journey.

If God is in control, then he has a reason for me to still be working at COUNTRY Financial. If God is in control, he is working on Dave to mold him and make him into the man He needs for his kingdom. If God is in control God will put the people in my life and in Dave's life to help us on the adventure. If God is in control, Will will grow up knowing that God loves him and so do his mommy and daddy. If God is in control he is in charge of when additional Owens children come along. If God is in control He will use my past to further His kingdom. If God is in control, I have nothing to worry about because all that happens is for His kingdom.

There is a great deal of freedom when I realize that God is in Control. It frees me up to be able to enjoy life instead of second guessing it. It allows me to enjoy the day the Lord has made instead of fretting over it. It allows me to smile at the days ahead because God knows what is going to happen and has it under control. It allows me to hand over a part of me that I have I have held on to very tightly, the pride.

No longer is it about me. It is about God working through me. When I can give God the glory I feel real joy. When I am in a situation and I see God working, I see real joy and experience excitement.

Now for anger. Have you ever been so angry at someone that you did not even realize you were? You loved this person so much but you were angry at them. You were hurt by choices they had made and you felt somewhat responsible for those choices. You found yourself manipulating various situations so that this person who you loved would be happy.

I recently discovered I was very angry at someone I loved very much. I was angry at my husband. I wanted to badly to fix him and I did not even realize I was trying. I wanted to make life nice for him so that he would not have to worry his head about anything. I wanted to be responsible for him and took great responsibility of his feelings. However, that is not true love. That created incredible anger and resentment in my heart. I was about to explode with anger but instead of exploding I stuffed it a little deeper and a little deeper until I did not even realize I was angry. When anxiety would surface I would look at it and ignore it. I might spend a little time with God here or there but I could handle it on my own (pride). Finally, I broke down. I sobbed my eyes out. I was so angry. I was so resentful and I did not want to be. I was so sorry for feeling the way I did but I did feel that way. It was time to own up to what I was feeling.

I am learning that feelings are okay. That sounds silly but the only feelings I want to feel are good ones. Who doesn't. But, that is not life. God did not create only a few feelings for us to feel. Shoot, he felt incredible feelings as he died on the cross for my sins. It would have been bad enough if it was only for my sins but he died for every one's sins. The heaviness of that decision is more than I can comprehend and never want to comprehend. I about had a nervous breakdown by carrying only one persons burdens. It is only God who can carry all of our burdens. What a freedom to know he is in control.

So, where does that leave me? I have a new appreciation for the God of the universe. As I closed my eyes and was praying this morning I was overcome with a sense of awe I have never felt. I felt incredibly privileged to be in His presence. I think of what an honor it would be to meet with President Bush and God is so much greater than that. I experienced an incredible sense of awe and amazement that was super special. And at the same time, this same God lives in me and is so personal. He comes to my rescue at a moments notice. When I call he always answers. I never have to go to voicemail. He is transforming the way I think and allowing me the opportunity to have more of a personal relationship with Him. He is my strength. Satan might try to bombard me and he has but God stands firm. He is my rock. He is my stronghold. He is my King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He is my Protector. He is also my best friend. What an amazing God we serve.

Excitement and Hope

Today was an interesting day. I called about a counseling appointment with one lady who happens to not be with this group any more but was put in touch with a different lady who I think is going to be perfect for me. I called today and actually had my first appointment today. As I sat and talked and told her what my goals were she was understanding and encouraging. She even gave me homework! I am kind of excited to work on it because even though I know it is sometimes tough to look back and reflect on the past there is something back there I need to deal with so I can move on and be the woman God created me to be. I am that woman now but I feel like there is so much more He can do through me if I can allow him.

Tonight Dave is out of town on a disc golf trip, the last overnighter of the year (I think) so it is just Will, me and the dogs. I decided to do a spur of the moment dinner invite. I had some friends over that live a short distance from us. Will and I walked over to invite them and they accepted. I made some chicken dish and rice and a salad. It was fun to put it together. The house was not a mess so I did not have lots of cleaning up to do. The only problem, I could hardly keep my eyes open. My body is tired. Hopefully good sleep will be the result tonight.