Allowing Others to Serve

There are points in my life where God stops me and shows me some amazing things. I will be honest, I rarely like the stopping points. Remember, I am a routine person and breaking out of my routine causes me to stop or at least slow down.

So this morning I was reading a devotional about Job. He was a good man. He had many good things and they had been given to him. In one fellow swoop all was taken away from him. Instead of critizing God and asking why he plunged forward. He allowed God the time to heal him. It didn't happen all at once. It happened over a season of time but at the end of that season life was better than it had been before.

I wonder if Job ever thought back about life before? I wonder if he ever dwelt on what was? Did he suffer from PTSD and if not, why not? He had EVERYTHING taken from him. His family. His job. Everything but his life. In the midst of that he said I am still going to praise God. I am still going to believe he is the true God.

I think about that in my life right now. In no way am I like Job except I am slightly inconvenienced. My family is laughing in the other room. My husband is doing dishes for me and bring me laundry that he has moved from the washer to the dryer. Life is so good and yet I find tears in my eyes because I am not content. I hate that. What is wrong with me? Seriously. I have more in a short 33 years of life than most people have in a life time. I have a husband that loves me and serves me. I have two boys who light up my life. They are such joy. I have two dogs that love me and most importantly I have a relationship with God. I know I am going to heaven when I die and I know his work here on earth with me is just beginning. That is exciting.

I have this feeling that this piece of my puzzle is something we (God and I) have to work through before he can show us the next stage or step of life. Maybe that looks like contentment regardless of what comes our way. Trusting Jesus even through the trials. There is something beautiful about that and freeing. That doesn't mean there won't be tears. That doesn't mean there won't be times of questioning but that does mean there is peace in the midst of the storm. It does mean there is guidance even when there are struggles. That does mean there are open arms when all other doors are closed. His name is Jesus and he loves me more than anything. Everything else pales in comparison to how much he loves me.

Journal Entry

This week has been tough on me (and yes, it is only Monday). I am a routine driven person to a fault. When my routine is thrown out of kilter I don't hardly know what to do with myself! As I have been pondering this and praying about it today a small piece of revelation came to mind (I love it when God does that to/for me). I have a really hard time when people tell me I can't do something. It makes me want to do it that much more. For instance, right now, I am not suppose to walk much so what do I do, fight it. Why do I have so much time enjoying a change of pace? Why I am I so routine driven? These are questions I really struggle with.

And to top it all off, I left my Bible at work. I could really use that right now! Instead, I have daily devotionals from Eastview. Todays was what was life like before Christ. I am very pleased to report that the memories of what I was like before I truly accepted Christ in my life are faint. I love that! I love that I have a personal relationship with a God who has washed me whiter than snow and loves me for who I am. He loves me when I struggle. He loves me when I excel. He loves me when I am depressed or when I am anxious. He loves me all the time and he loves it when I come to him with my thoughts. It is like sitting down to have a conversation with my favorite person. Here is how it goes:

Setting: An open porch overlooking a garden with spring flowers always in bloom, rocking chairs and ice cold lemonade. The steps are on the side. As soon as I walk up God stands up opens his arms, plants a huge smile on his face and welcomes me onto the porch. He is thrilled to see me and so thankful that I stopped by for this unexpected visit.

God: Em'ly. So good to see how. Please join me. Can I get you some lemonade?

Em'ly: Thank you. I would love some. How are you Lord?

God: I am better now that you are here. I have been sitting all day admiring the beauty of this yard and no one to share it with. It isn't that uncommon. I made the humans and they are always BUSY. How I wish they would slow down and have a drink with me.

Em'ly: I have missed you. Coming to visit with you is like coming to visit with an old friend only better. You love me just as I am and to be honest, I am a broken person. I struggle. I need your advise.

God: Shoot. What is going through your beautiful mind?

Em'ly: I am struggling right now with routine vs. change. I want to be a person that accepts change and adapts accordingly. How do I do that?

God: What are you so afraid of? Are you in a constant state of fear or just periodically? Tell me a little bit more.

Em'ly: When my routine is changed I experience this problem. For instance, right now I am tied up with a bum foot and really not suppose to use it much. I am on the couch most of the time. Ironically, if I was going to work like normal and came home I might end up on the couch for a good chunk of time but because I am forced to I struggle with it. I fear I won't have anything to do? And then reality kicks in and I say, Seriously? Nothing to do? How about organizing pictures and scrapbooking or reading a book or doing a puzzle. Don't waste your time off worrying about what you might not do because then you won't have any time left!

God: Hum.... I see. Let me ask you a question. Who is in charge of all things?

Em'ly: You

God: It is very, very possible that I have a specific plan and reason for your situation. I might be teaching you something very valuable. Look for that lesson and when you get nervous, just pray. I am only a step away and my door is always open to you.

Em'ly: Why is it so easy when you say it and it makes so much sense but in my feeble mind I struggle? Your word trumps all. THANK GOODNESS!

And we could go on and on. This is what my relationship with Christ is like. It is personal and real. It is gentle. He doesn't put me down or ask me why I think I certain way. He listens and inserts his wisdom. Ironically, I don't find myself questioning it once I have clarity. We move forward together.

Now why don't I do this with everything that comes across my lap!

Feeling Good Yesterday - Day #2, Not so Much!

Surgery Day turned out to be very good. We arrived at the center on time, my nurse did an excellent job of getting an IV into my arm the ankle block worked like a charm and I was completely numb, until about 4am this morning. All in all, surgery day was okay.

Funny story about being "out." The anastegiologist was funny which really helped calm my nerves. He asked me how awake I wanted to be and I said I needed to be mostly out (see previous post) and he complied. I started waking up once the procedure was over and I remember at one point trying to get up from the table. I remember hearing people talking and laughing at their stories. It was fun to listen to. I even chimed in once or twice - not sure I made much sense. It was funny because at the time I remember exactly what was said but now, I can't tell you a thing. So interesting how that works.

I finally woke up in recovery and true to form, the itching began. Something about the anastesia causes me to itch big time! They gave me benedryl and some nausea meds because I started feeling a little qweezy. I was somewhat out again. Benedryl makes me very sleepy! Dave was able to come into the recovery room with me which was really nice. I like being with him. And then we came home. The whole process only took about 3 hours. On the way home we got Starbucks (how can my hubby say no to me at this point) and then picked up the boys. Again, I was still in a daze. Will was excited to see me but could tell something was a little different. At home I promptly went to bed and slept off more of the meds. Finally woke up after the boys had naps and then fell asleep again. I was just tired! The evening hours were better with me being awake but it was hard not being able to get up and do things.

This morning I woke up around 4am and realized today was going to be a little more challenging pain wise. Ouch! I can't put any weight on my left foot today! More numbing agent please!!! The meds aren't even taking away the pain. Not good. I feel sorry for kids that break bones. Poor things! hopefully each day will get better. Today is another resting day.

Pray for my hubby...

Foot Surgery - ugh...

So, Tomorrow is a special day for me. I get to have surgery. Now, with c-sections there was some excitement because at the end I got to hold a precious new baby (boy in my case). This time around I am struggling with seeing the beauty of this procedures.

What are they going to do you ask? Well, first, they cut open my foot. Then they use some kind of saw like instrument to remove a portion of the bone in the metatarsal connected to my big toe. Then they screw the bone back together. And finally, they take some kind of sanding tool and grind down the bone spur.

I think in terms of carpentery tools, probably because my hubby is skilled in building beautiful things (IE Pergola, beds, a garage, ect). When I think of a saw I think of a tool with sharp spikes on the end or a chain saw. Both of which have a loud buzzing noise. When I think of screws I think of metal pieces that require a philips screw driver or an electric drill. Now, do they use the 8 hp or the 14hp? How dense is this bone? Seriously, at 10:15 the night before foot surgery this is where my mind goes.

And then for the sanding. Is it like an electric sander where they just run over the bone until it is down to the desired hight? Is there dust or do they use a dust machine that connects to the "sander? Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, and how long with this surgery take? At what point will I be out and how "out" will I be because I really think all the way is best for me. If I even see a saw or a screw or an electric sander in the operating room I think I will throw up! What happened to me? Am I the daughter of a doctor and the sister of two doctors, niece of one doctor and they took all medical tolerance? When did I become such a dork about medical procedures? Good grief!

I will have lots of answers for you tomorrow! Oh, and while I am at home for the next two weeks, three days of which I am confined to my bed, I plan to think about how to lose some weight. How to enjoy lots of reruns of MASH. How to enjoy time with my boys. How to keep my hubby from going completely crazy and maybe even how to keep myself from going nuts. Any suggestions? I don't want the usual suggestions like read a book or scrapbook. I need something creative and fun that can be done from the pleasure of my own bed. Anyone???

What My Relationship with Christ Looks Like

Today in my quiet time/prayer time I realized my relationship with Christ is changing - drastically. Let me take you on a journey through my heart. This is highly personal but helps me come full circle in my relationship with Christ.

God meets me every morning. Actually, I meet him. He never pressures me into visiting with him but the more I meet with him and get to know him the more I want to meet with him. The more I want to be in prayer for long periods of time. The more I want to enjoy his company. It kind of goes like this. My meeting place is kind of like a stage. I enter but the stage is just me and God and there aren't any people in the audience. It is dark and the room is only lit by a fire in the fireplace. There are two over sized leather chairs that are just comfortable, not over stuffed but perfect for sitting in and talking. There is a small table in between the two chairs and either coffee, tea or something of that nature sitting on the table for me to drink. Never does God drink. He just looks at me and listens.

You might be thinking, what does God look like to me? He looks like an older man - a very fatherly figure. He greets me with a hug and a smile every time. He always says, "thanks for coming and I am so glad to see you." He really enjoys my company. Then we talk. Actually, typically I do a lot of the talking. He listens with a very peaceful look on his face. Sometimes his face shows sadness but usually it is just a gentle face, confident that he is in control and so glad I am seeking him. He is very personal to me. After joining him in this room I always feel peace. He lays out my plan for the day and tells me my purpose which is always the same. He tells me I am to be a wife and mama today. I need to treat my co-workers with respect and tackle challenges head on. When problems arise deal with them. Sweeping them under the rug is not dealing with them. They will resurface.

Because of this encounter my relationship with God is totally changing. Prayer is not just a bunch of words that I hope to express correctly. There is feeling behind the words. It is about a relationship and that is a two way street. I have access directly to God. I don't think I have understood that in this light before. I know Satan is alive and well but I know I can go to this place of prayer at any time. Never is God too busy for me. In fact, it is as if he is always waiting for me. And when I leave he leaves with me - guiding my every step and protecting me against so many things I never even know about. With this in mind, I am never alone. His presence is alive and living in me.

Step by step, I am growing.

Hum.... A blah day....

I hate blah days. Makes me ask the question, "what is wrong with me!" I have such a good life. I have a husband who loves me dearly and two boys who I would not trade for anything. I have two dogs that are such good sports. They don't get nearly enough attention but they still love me. I have a decent job that allows my husband to stay home with our boys. I have extended family that loves me. I am very loved. But yet, some days none of that completely matters. Some days I feel like I am just existing. Today is kind of one of those days.

I am going through the motions and getting things done. It is not like a full blown depression but more like a hint of what depression is like. It is a reminder of where I do not want to be. And yet, as I was thinking about this this past weekend (kind of been in a funk all weekend) I had several thoughts run through my head.

1. I am thankful for my seasons of depression. Don't get me wrong, I would not mind if I never had another episode but having been on this journey, I know how others feel. This journey has made me a stronger person. When depression rears its ugly head I know life goes on and depression does not last forever. I know tools to use to move past this and I am thankful for that. One of those tools is medicine. Another is exercise but probably the most beneficial tool I have is prayer. It is when I am quiet and still that God can speak to me. He whispers about his love for me, his daughter. He reminds me of the good gifts I have and is in the process of teaching me how to enjoy those gifts.

2. Accepting good gifts. I have a bit of a problem accepting the good gifts God has given to me. Why is that? I don't feel worthy but to be honest, I am not worthy. I am a sinner in need of grace. What a better example of grace then receiving good gifts in the midst of my sinful nature. Sometimes I find myself fearful that I won't enjoy the gifts and as a result, I don't enjoy them to the fullest. My prayer is that I will enjoy the gifts I have been given and not question them - just accept them. There is so much doom in gloom in this world. It is easier to see that than it is to see the blessings. As my eyes are more opened to the blessings I want to grab ahold of them and LIVE.

3. Serving in church. Yesterday morning I woke up concerned about how much I was serving in church. God answered my prayer question in the service yesterday. Mike, our pastor, reminded us that we can only do a few things really well. Those are the areas we are to be serving. For me, that means I get to serve my family, serve through my work and then serve at church. If it seems a little out of wack I don't think it really is. God has given me a family to take care of. He has also given me a job. As much as I don't like my job some days it is where I get to share the love of Christ through my actions. God has me here for a reason for a season. I might not get to see the fruits of labor but he is working. My hope is that I get to see some of the poeple I work with in heaven one day. God is using me here, I just don't always know how or understand why.

Bottom line. I am loved. That much I do know. One day I will love myself in all kinds of weather. I am a special case and that makes me smile.

Today when I got up, the thought ran through my head that has run through my head often. Good morning Lord. and Satan, watch out. No tellin' what God is going to do with me today to further his kingdom!

Random Thoughts

I had a thoughtful morning this morning. One of those days where my emotions and thoughts were all over the place. If people could really see what goes on in this head of mine they would think I was a freak of nature! But I digress.

Started out feeling pretty good this morning. I had been feeling a little depressed the last week or so due to lack of sleep. Then I remembered while my dad was here visiting two weeks ago I forgot to take my meds for depression/anxiety. When I did a little research on what happens when that happens it was fairly clear what was going on. DON'T STOP COLD TURKEY and for me, best if I don't stop at all.

I will be honest, I still struggle with the depression meds and this morning I asked myself why. What is the honest reason I don't want to take meds? I mean, if I had cancer medicine would be considered a God send but with depression meds they are still seen as a crutch. Why? Not sure. But, this much I know, they are an enormous help to me and while I can do life without them, it is not in my best interest or the best interest of my family.

But, this morning I contemplated this reoccurring idea again. This is going to sound sick but it is the competitive string in me I suppose. There is a part of me that likes the fight to feel better. When I am depressed and coming out of it I do things differently:

- I give myself more grace to let things be
- I tend to look for the good in life and look for the blessings
- I can become very focused because whatever is bothering me tends to consume my thoughts
- My dependence on Christ increases

So, as I further evaluate there is no reason why I can't do the above things when I am not depressed/anxious (and for all intended purposes this is more of an anxiety issue than a depression issue). In fact, I can do so much more. Some things that come to mind:

- SLEEP - when anxiety hits I can't sleep and I become very emotional
- Enjoy my family more - I can control my thoughts - things don't bother me so much
- I can be more flexible - a change of plans doesn't cause me to do back flips
- I worry so much less - especially of what others think of me
- Ridiculous thoughts don't consume me - ex: what if one of my kids gets cancer (you get the picture. My poor children are already in the hospital and the doctor is telling Dave and nothing can be done).

Bottom line, life is better when I can think more clearly. So my next question this morning was why I would even consider not taking my meds. Is it rebellion? Is it only the issue I described above? Or something or someone else.

And then my brain jumped to some really sordid thoughts. Sexual abuse seems to plague the news. I thought, what if one of my boys was sexually abused and what if I caused it? Seriously? Why would my mind even go there? That was when I decided Satan was really invading my car this morning.

Right then and there I started praying. It always amazes me how passionate I can get when I tell Satan to take a hike. And then I asked God to send his army of angels to protect me because I was under serious attack this morning.

And then, I was peaceful again, remarkably quickly. And some beautiful thoughts came to my head. First one, my actions always need to be those things that build others up. I should never do ANYTHING that would purposely destroy some one's life. Yes, God can make beauty come out of horrible situations but I would not be able to live with myself if I did something purposely that I knew would have devastating effects on someone else.

I thought about my boys and the challenge I have been given to be their mama. I know that parenthood is a daily process of letting go but to be honest, I find myself wanting to hold them closer and closer all the time. I know I can't slow down time but some days I just want it to stop. I don't want this season of our life to change and yet I know it has to. I know that having children means allowing them to grow up and how important that process is. So after a few tears, I am giving into the fact that I can't stop time and they are going to grow up - they need to. Dave and I are raising the next generation of young men and trying to stop time is teaching them unrealistic expectations. Besides, it would stifle them and ultimately that would make their life harder in the long run.

The process of letting go - sounds like the name of a book on parenthood...