Feeling Good Yesterday - Day #2, Not so Much!

Surgery Day turned out to be very good. We arrived at the center on time, my nurse did an excellent job of getting an IV into my arm the ankle block worked like a charm and I was completely numb, until about 4am this morning. All in all, surgery day was okay.

Funny story about being "out." The anastegiologist was funny which really helped calm my nerves. He asked me how awake I wanted to be and I said I needed to be mostly out (see previous post) and he complied. I started waking up once the procedure was over and I remember at one point trying to get up from the table. I remember hearing people talking and laughing at their stories. It was fun to listen to. I even chimed in once or twice - not sure I made much sense. It was funny because at the time I remember exactly what was said but now, I can't tell you a thing. So interesting how that works.

I finally woke up in recovery and true to form, the itching began. Something about the anastesia causes me to itch big time! They gave me benedryl and some nausea meds because I started feeling a little qweezy. I was somewhat out again. Benedryl makes me very sleepy! Dave was able to come into the recovery room with me which was really nice. I like being with him. And then we came home. The whole process only took about 3 hours. On the way home we got Starbucks (how can my hubby say no to me at this point) and then picked up the boys. Again, I was still in a daze. Will was excited to see me but could tell something was a little different. At home I promptly went to bed and slept off more of the meds. Finally woke up after the boys had naps and then fell asleep again. I was just tired! The evening hours were better with me being awake but it was hard not being able to get up and do things.

This morning I woke up around 4am and realized today was going to be a little more challenging pain wise. Ouch! I can't put any weight on my left foot today! More numbing agent please!!! The meds aren't even taking away the pain. Not good. I feel sorry for kids that break bones. Poor things! hopefully each day will get better. Today is another resting day.

Pray for my hubby...

Foot Surgery - ugh...

So, Tomorrow is a special day for me. I get to have surgery. Now, with c-sections there was some excitement because at the end I got to hold a precious new baby (boy in my case). This time around I am struggling with seeing the beauty of this procedures.

What are they going to do you ask? Well, first, they cut open my foot. Then they use some kind of saw like instrument to remove a portion of the bone in the metatarsal connected to my big toe. Then they screw the bone back together. And finally, they take some kind of sanding tool and grind down the bone spur.

I think in terms of carpentery tools, probably because my hubby is skilled in building beautiful things (IE Pergola, beds, a garage, ect). When I think of a saw I think of a tool with sharp spikes on the end or a chain saw. Both of which have a loud buzzing noise. When I think of screws I think of metal pieces that require a philips screw driver or an electric drill. Now, do they use the 8 hp or the 14hp? How dense is this bone? Seriously, at 10:15 the night before foot surgery this is where my mind goes.

And then for the sanding. Is it like an electric sander where they just run over the bone until it is down to the desired hight? Is there dust or do they use a dust machine that connects to the "sander? Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, and how long with this surgery take? At what point will I be out and how "out" will I be because I really think all the way is best for me. If I even see a saw or a screw or an electric sander in the operating room I think I will throw up! What happened to me? Am I the daughter of a doctor and the sister of two doctors, niece of one doctor and they took all medical tolerance? When did I become such a dork about medical procedures? Good grief!

I will have lots of answers for you tomorrow! Oh, and while I am at home for the next two weeks, three days of which I am confined to my bed, I plan to think about how to lose some weight. How to enjoy lots of reruns of MASH. How to enjoy time with my boys. How to keep my hubby from going completely crazy and maybe even how to keep myself from going nuts. Any suggestions? I don't want the usual suggestions like read a book or scrapbook. I need something creative and fun that can be done from the pleasure of my own bed. Anyone???

What My Relationship with Christ Looks Like

Today in my quiet time/prayer time I realized my relationship with Christ is changing - drastically. Let me take you on a journey through my heart. This is highly personal but helps me come full circle in my relationship with Christ.

God meets me every morning. Actually, I meet him. He never pressures me into visiting with him but the more I meet with him and get to know him the more I want to meet with him. The more I want to be in prayer for long periods of time. The more I want to enjoy his company. It kind of goes like this. My meeting place is kind of like a stage. I enter but the stage is just me and God and there aren't any people in the audience. It is dark and the room is only lit by a fire in the fireplace. There are two over sized leather chairs that are just comfortable, not over stuffed but perfect for sitting in and talking. There is a small table in between the two chairs and either coffee, tea or something of that nature sitting on the table for me to drink. Never does God drink. He just looks at me and listens.

You might be thinking, what does God look like to me? He looks like an older man - a very fatherly figure. He greets me with a hug and a smile every time. He always says, "thanks for coming and I am so glad to see you." He really enjoys my company. Then we talk. Actually, typically I do a lot of the talking. He listens with a very peaceful look on his face. Sometimes his face shows sadness but usually it is just a gentle face, confident that he is in control and so glad I am seeking him. He is very personal to me. After joining him in this room I always feel peace. He lays out my plan for the day and tells me my purpose which is always the same. He tells me I am to be a wife and mama today. I need to treat my co-workers with respect and tackle challenges head on. When problems arise deal with them. Sweeping them under the rug is not dealing with them. They will resurface.

Because of this encounter my relationship with God is totally changing. Prayer is not just a bunch of words that I hope to express correctly. There is feeling behind the words. It is about a relationship and that is a two way street. I have access directly to God. I don't think I have understood that in this light before. I know Satan is alive and well but I know I can go to this place of prayer at any time. Never is God too busy for me. In fact, it is as if he is always waiting for me. And when I leave he leaves with me - guiding my every step and protecting me against so many things I never even know about. With this in mind, I am never alone. His presence is alive and living in me.

Step by step, I am growing.

Hum.... A blah day....

I hate blah days. Makes me ask the question, "what is wrong with me!" I have such a good life. I have a husband who loves me dearly and two boys who I would not trade for anything. I have two dogs that are such good sports. They don't get nearly enough attention but they still love me. I have a decent job that allows my husband to stay home with our boys. I have extended family that loves me. I am very loved. But yet, some days none of that completely matters. Some days I feel like I am just existing. Today is kind of one of those days.

I am going through the motions and getting things done. It is not like a full blown depression but more like a hint of what depression is like. It is a reminder of where I do not want to be. And yet, as I was thinking about this this past weekend (kind of been in a funk all weekend) I had several thoughts run through my head.

1. I am thankful for my seasons of depression. Don't get me wrong, I would not mind if I never had another episode but having been on this journey, I know how others feel. This journey has made me a stronger person. When depression rears its ugly head I know life goes on and depression does not last forever. I know tools to use to move past this and I am thankful for that. One of those tools is medicine. Another is exercise but probably the most beneficial tool I have is prayer. It is when I am quiet and still that God can speak to me. He whispers about his love for me, his daughter. He reminds me of the good gifts I have and is in the process of teaching me how to enjoy those gifts.

2. Accepting good gifts. I have a bit of a problem accepting the good gifts God has given to me. Why is that? I don't feel worthy but to be honest, I am not worthy. I am a sinner in need of grace. What a better example of grace then receiving good gifts in the midst of my sinful nature. Sometimes I find myself fearful that I won't enjoy the gifts and as a result, I don't enjoy them to the fullest. My prayer is that I will enjoy the gifts I have been given and not question them - just accept them. There is so much doom in gloom in this world. It is easier to see that than it is to see the blessings. As my eyes are more opened to the blessings I want to grab ahold of them and LIVE.

3. Serving in church. Yesterday morning I woke up concerned about how much I was serving in church. God answered my prayer question in the service yesterday. Mike, our pastor, reminded us that we can only do a few things really well. Those are the areas we are to be serving. For me, that means I get to serve my family, serve through my work and then serve at church. If it seems a little out of wack I don't think it really is. God has given me a family to take care of. He has also given me a job. As much as I don't like my job some days it is where I get to share the love of Christ through my actions. God has me here for a reason for a season. I might not get to see the fruits of labor but he is working. My hope is that I get to see some of the poeple I work with in heaven one day. God is using me here, I just don't always know how or understand why.

Bottom line. I am loved. That much I do know. One day I will love myself in all kinds of weather. I am a special case and that makes me smile.

Today when I got up, the thought ran through my head that has run through my head often. Good morning Lord. and Satan, watch out. No tellin' what God is going to do with me today to further his kingdom!

Random Thoughts

I had a thoughtful morning this morning. One of those days where my emotions and thoughts were all over the place. If people could really see what goes on in this head of mine they would think I was a freak of nature! But I digress.

Started out feeling pretty good this morning. I had been feeling a little depressed the last week or so due to lack of sleep. Then I remembered while my dad was here visiting two weeks ago I forgot to take my meds for depression/anxiety. When I did a little research on what happens when that happens it was fairly clear what was going on. DON'T STOP COLD TURKEY and for me, best if I don't stop at all.

I will be honest, I still struggle with the depression meds and this morning I asked myself why. What is the honest reason I don't want to take meds? I mean, if I had cancer medicine would be considered a God send but with depression meds they are still seen as a crutch. Why? Not sure. But, this much I know, they are an enormous help to me and while I can do life without them, it is not in my best interest or the best interest of my family.

But, this morning I contemplated this reoccurring idea again. This is going to sound sick but it is the competitive string in me I suppose. There is a part of me that likes the fight to feel better. When I am depressed and coming out of it I do things differently:

- I give myself more grace to let things be
- I tend to look for the good in life and look for the blessings
- I can become very focused because whatever is bothering me tends to consume my thoughts
- My dependence on Christ increases

So, as I further evaluate there is no reason why I can't do the above things when I am not depressed/anxious (and for all intended purposes this is more of an anxiety issue than a depression issue). In fact, I can do so much more. Some things that come to mind:

- SLEEP - when anxiety hits I can't sleep and I become very emotional
- Enjoy my family more - I can control my thoughts - things don't bother me so much
- I can be more flexible - a change of plans doesn't cause me to do back flips
- I worry so much less - especially of what others think of me
- Ridiculous thoughts don't consume me - ex: what if one of my kids gets cancer (you get the picture. My poor children are already in the hospital and the doctor is telling Dave and nothing can be done).

Bottom line, life is better when I can think more clearly. So my next question this morning was why I would even consider not taking my meds. Is it rebellion? Is it only the issue I described above? Or something or someone else.

And then my brain jumped to some really sordid thoughts. Sexual abuse seems to plague the news. I thought, what if one of my boys was sexually abused and what if I caused it? Seriously? Why would my mind even go there? That was when I decided Satan was really invading my car this morning.

Right then and there I started praying. It always amazes me how passionate I can get when I tell Satan to take a hike. And then I asked God to send his army of angels to protect me because I was under serious attack this morning.

And then, I was peaceful again, remarkably quickly. And some beautiful thoughts came to my head. First one, my actions always need to be those things that build others up. I should never do ANYTHING that would purposely destroy some one's life. Yes, God can make beauty come out of horrible situations but I would not be able to live with myself if I did something purposely that I knew would have devastating effects on someone else.

I thought about my boys and the challenge I have been given to be their mama. I know that parenthood is a daily process of letting go but to be honest, I find myself wanting to hold them closer and closer all the time. I know I can't slow down time but some days I just want it to stop. I don't want this season of our life to change and yet I know it has to. I know that having children means allowing them to grow up and how important that process is. So after a few tears, I am giving into the fact that I can't stop time and they are going to grow up - they need to. Dave and I are raising the next generation of young men and trying to stop time is teaching them unrealistic expectations. Besides, it would stifle them and ultimately that would make their life harder in the long run.

The process of letting go - sounds like the name of a book on parenthood...

Almost 32 weeks - Seriously...

It has been a long time since I have posted but so much has gone on. Every time I think about posting something creeps in the way and I find myself sidetracked to whatever seems more important at the time. So what have the last 28 weeks looked like since I found out I was pregnant?

Roller coaster although more recently not as much. At first I found my emotions all over the place. Grumpy was the word of the month and kudos to Dave for putting up with me and not kicking me out! Nothing in particular would set me off - it was more of everything. I never got really vocal about my grumpiness but rather just felt grumpy (I can be really good at hiding my emotions - maybe a benefit in this situation).

The summer months for some reason were really difficult. It was hot and I was running after a 2 year old so maybe that had something to do with it (that is what my doctor said anyway). Regardless, as soon as the cooler weather hit my attitude changed and so did my energy level. Granted, I was in my third trimester but I swear I have more energy now that I have throughout the previous months of pregnancy. That is a big THANK GOODNESS!

It was at week 28 that things started changing and I began to learn things about myself. My diabetes test came back 3 points higher than the doctor's office would like so they suggested I do a 2000 cal diet for a week and then do a three hour blood test (grrrr....). I did not abide by the 2000 cal diet because basically I thought things were goofy. I thought I would pass if my initial blood sugar count was only three points higher than what it needed to be. I was wrong!

As it turns out, blood sugar and insulin resistance tend to play a huge role in the later stages of pregnancy. The longer I am pregnant the more my body has a harder time breaking down the sugars. So after the three (which was really four hour) blood test the lab lost one vial of blood and one of the vials came back stating that I was 5 points over where the doctor's office wanted me to be. With that in mind, I was labeled as having a tendency towards gestational diabetes. The plan of action, draw your blood four times a day, record your numbers and change your eating habits.

I got to meet with a dietitian and bless her heart, she had a tough patient on her hands. I listened but I kind of went into this thinking I know about how to eat and what I need to eat. But, I kindly listened anyway... The more she talked the more I just wanted to leave! I was still very much in denial but I decided I would give this a shot. After all, I had to report to my doctor now!

So where am I at almost a week into this process, more accepting and turning a corner. I see how carbohydrates really do effect my sugar levels and I am very encouraged to lose weight. Ironically the diet I am on really is full of food! At lunch time I often find myself very full. Eating healthier actually fills you up differently. Duh... but sometimes you have to try things before you really get it. At least, that is the story of my life.

So, today at 32 weeks, I still have only told Dave and 1 other lady about this condition. Quite honestly, while I am no longer ashamed of it I really want to keep it quiet. I hate the "attention" diagnosis bring. Just treat me like a normal person please! So far my blood sugars have been in the 90's and 80's for the most part which is well below the place where my doctor wants them to be so, if I had heeded his advise and eaten correctly before the 3 hour glucose test I might not have to test my blood every day four times a day but then again, maybe I would not have learned what I have learned. Why do I have to be so stubborn!

In two weeks we will be in Florida and I am so looking forward to it. The drive, well, that could be interesting but breaking it up into two days will help. As I have prayed through the competition issue I often feel around my family God has softened my heart. He showed me that the jealousy I felt towards my sister-in-laws was just that because they get to have a relationship with their moms that is very, very special. I long for that and sometimes I cry. But, I am so thankful God revealed that to me. I needed that to move on.

Next posting - who knows. Maybe it will be soon and maybe later. Right now in other news I am making a quilt for Will - my first really big one. It is looking so good and the sense of accomplishment I feel is really special. I haven't done a big project like this in a long time and I have a wonderful friend who is helping me achieve the end result. Thank goodness for friends! Christmas shopping is well under way and should be complete by Thanksgiving (hopefully) so we can have a relaxing Christmas season - well, we have lots of preparation to do for Baby #2 too! Will still needs to move into his new room but that will happen and he will be okay. Ideally we would have done this several months ago but alias, it did not happen and we will still be okay. He is ready. We just need to get his room ready. It is always something...

12 Weeks - and counting...

Wow. I can't believe we are already at 12 weeks! The last 8 weeks have flown by which tells me the next eight will probably do the same. And I am so excited. In these next twelve weeks I should be able to start to feel the baby move. I think I am looking forward to that more than anything. To feel a baby inside moving around is amazing. I look forward to when Dave can feel the baby and when Will can. Every step makes it more real.

Yesterday I got to see the little monkey moving around in there. It was so fun. I saw him or her arching their back and kicking their little legs. Then, it was very quiet for some time as it nuzzled closer to me inside a little pocket. There is plenty of room in there right now but it wanted to snuggle. Will use to do the same thing. I don't mind. My babies can snuggle with me as long as they want and whenever they want (even before I get to snuggle with them). The heartbeat is starting to slow down. It was down to 153 yesterday down from the highest of 183 and more recently, 173. I remember, Will's did the same thing. Once it got in the 140's it stayed there which is probably a good thing since they don't like it to go much lower than that.

When asked about how I was feeling yesterday the answer was just tired. I feel more tired now that I did earlier on even though I know I was very, very tired then too. Our schedule is a little too full at the moment with the normal day to day activities. I use the weekend to catch up on sleep and house hold chores. That poor laundry, it just doesn't get done unless it is the weekend. Thankfully, we have enough clothes to get us through so not a huge deal - just something to do.

Last week I moved into my maternity clothes. I could still wear my pants but the shirts were just not long enough. So, maternity clothes it is. They are too big at the moment but more comfortable than stressing about my fly being open because I have elastic holding my button together. Besides, I can wear the clothes with pride. Am I showing? Yes. Am I showing to people who don't know I am pregnant? Not yet. That is okay. Keeping them guessing is kind of fun!

When I think about how we have been blessed, I have a new perspective on being a mom. It is an honor, not a chore. It is a priviledge, not a burden. To feel the love of a child is something I cannot articulate. It is similar to the love I have for my husband but entirely different. I think it is more the like the love God has for us, his children. You can't describe it but you know it is there and it is amazing. Thank you Lord for the gift of children.