And the Truth will Set you Free

So, remember my little situation from yesterday? Well, I decided to continue the confrontation streak. I decided to confront my co-workers to verify they were still okay with me working my hours since that was one of the gripes. They were. In fact, they were really surprised that was an issue. I did not want this to be a gossip session so I tried to steer the conversation in other directions but the feedback I received was helpful - stand up for yourself or she will walk all over you.

Honestly, my heart is all over the place on this one. On one side I feel great animosity towards her. I feel betrayed and stepped on. On the other side I feel like I just need to pray for her. She needs Jesus something terrible. She is hard as a rock but I know there is beauty inside, but no one is allowed to see it, most of all, not her. It will take Jesus to help her deal with those deeply buried issues. So, I pray. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." The praying part is getting easier but the love your enemies part, that is tough. Ironically, the last message I heard at church was about perfect love driving out fear. And fear is what I often feel around this lady. A great sense of insecurity. Yuck! But I know God is working on me with that as well. I don't have to be a door mat to anyone, most of all a lady at work.

One lady at work, and I wish she hadn't said it in the group, said she aspired to be more like me. She did not expound but honestly, while I was flattered, I don't want to be on a pedestal because inevitably, I will fall off. It was flattering but something did not seem right about it. If she really knew what all went through my mind she might not want to be anything like me! Hopefully it is the god given gifts she is striving for. Maybe God is using me as a light in a very dark place. Maybe...

Devious - Never been called that before!

So this morning I was praying and thinking about my next steps with this lady at work. This lady, I felt, had it out for me in a big way. She was very rude, manipulative and very much about the praise of her bosses. Turns out, she sees me as the same way. Interesting.

Devious - a word that means "not straight forward; shifty or crooked." Interesting. I get the not straight forward part. Sometimes when I have someone to confront I will beat around the bush but crooked or shifty, I don't see that.

I honestly think I am more hurt and confused than anything. And it didn't stop there. Supposedly I go to Kim and Carl all the time (my bosses), I lie and I am basically not a very nice or good person. That is hard to swallow. The worst part, that identity has been spread around so very few people in my team of five will even speak to me. Kind of makes it hard to get things accomplished.

And I was accused of pushing things off on my co-workers. I am not available after hours. Truth be known, I usually am enjoying time with my family and I don't intend to stop that short of my boss telling me I have to.

I am angry, hurt and I just want to run away. I so badly want to give me two day notice tomorrow but, that probably would not work out so well either.

Where is God in all of this? He was there this morning when I was praying and felt very strongly it was time to confront her. He was there during the meeting (although, not so sure joy showed up - didn't feel much of that this afternoon. As I was walking and crying this afternoon I felt like he was right beside me, holding my hand and letting me cry. He knows what it feels like to be betrayed. He was betrayed and in an earthly sense, nothing good came of the betrayal. He gave me salvation through that betrayal but he knows what it feels like. He knows what it is like to not be able to defend yourself. He knows what it is like to be at a loss for words. He knows. So if he knows why it hurts so much why do we have to go through that? To be more like him?

What are my next steps? Where do I go from here? Not sure. Tonight, I go to bed. I don't even have the energy to do dishes or anything. I just need rest. And tomorrow, who knows. Maybe I just let it all go. Maybe I find a new job. Maybe Christ comes back. Who knows. All I know is that I can't worry about tomorrow for today has enough of its own worries. Much easier said than done.

Silly People...

This weekend was interesting. It was a weekend with the family - Grandma Balch (formally Neff) to be exact. She is a very interesting lady - one you take with a grain of sand because so many of the things she says are simply - offending if taken personally. For example, she said my son was unfriendly just because he would not go to her from the get go. Well, my motherly instinct came up but then the Holy Spirit kicked in and reminded me, this is the way she is. This the way I made her and right or wrong, she is who she is. Besides that, she is very old, 84.5 years old to be precise.

Her husband should be a saint, I have decided. He puts up with more than any man should but again, I think he has learned the value of taking her with a grain of sand. He doesn't take anything too seriously. And he loves her, very much. A screen door fell on my grandma this weekend and I felt more sorry for him then for her. He was so sad. He was speechless which, if you know Budd (that is her husband's name), you know that doesn't happen often. He is one of these guys that can find a topic to discuss from any conversation. Very rarely does the conversation end. He loves to talk and share his tales of the past. I enjoyed listening and tried to polietly excuse myself when I had heard enough. To be honest with you, I had trouble keeping up sometimes!

I have a soft spot in my heart for older men. Not sure what it is but nothing brings me to tears faster than seeing an older man cry - maybe because he has lost something dear to him. I want to "fix it" more than any other time whatever "it" is.

I have that same feeling with my husband. I want to "fix" whatever is wrong so badly but, t he reality, I have absolutely no power to "fix it" other than prayer. Maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for older men because I think of God as an older man in the golden years of his life. I think of a protector that holds me in his arms and comforts me. I think of the wisdom that comes from God. He always tells me the right thing to do - when I listen or ask. Otherwise, he is perfectly content to stand back and watch me. Sometimes I falter and sometimes I use the gifts that he has given me to fly. I think he rarely wants to stand back and watch. I think most of the time he wants to be along for the ride. Daily God becomes more personal to me - more of a best friend, more of a Father and more of a Savior to me. When I am in his presence I feel that peace that only he can bring. It makes me want to serve him more. It makes me want to be in his presence more - to snuggle up on the couch with him and listen to His wisdom...

Random Thoughts

Good Morning, World.

I find myself in a perplexed state. Depression is setting in which is problem number one but I know the causes which I suppose is a step in the right direction. The problems are separate but very intertwined.

Mom issue - I am a child of an alcoholic. My mom is a closet alcoholic and when I have asked her about her disease she becomes very defensive. There is no talking about it. I asked her just the other day how she was doing. I suppose I was confronting but I was trying to take the next step in having a relationship. I can't have a relationship with her if she can't be honest with me - at least no deeper than it currently is. She is still a sick woman and I can't allow her to disrupt my life the way it does.

Work issue - I have been humbled at work. I was at the top of my team and feeling very respected. Now, not so much. I find myself questioning my abilities. I am afraid people are talking about me behind my back when they honestly have nothing to say. I am afraid of the back stabbing and lying. I am having a very hard time dealing with all of that and I just want to run away.

I find the two issues very related. The root problem is honesty. Please, just tell the truth. Be kind to others and respectful of others.

And yet, some things are going well. My marriage is solid. THANK YOU, JESUS! I have a husband who loves me and cares about me more than words can say. He lets me work through my issues and while I know he wants to fix them he knows he can't. He loves me in spite of the trials. He is the one source I can trust that is super close to me. I have some friends too who love me and care about me more than words can say. They can give me a hug and make the issues go away for a time. Kind of like Christ. He makes the issues go away. As I have prayed the last few days the phrase that continues to come to mind is "I love you". Jesus loves me and this fire I am going through, it makes me stronger. The one thing I know for sure is that Jesus is walking me through the flames. He is holding my hand and step by step we move forward. My prayer recently is that God would heal my cracks with his love. Let's face it, we all have broken hearts. The only one who can heal those hurts is Jesus. He can give me the tools but ultimately, he heals.

Grrr......

The battle between the good and bad is occuring. I know what I need to do but everything in me wants to fume. I work with this lady who is hardly a lady. Everything in her from what I can tell is nit-picky, knieving, back stabbing and manipulative. While I attempt to not take things personally I find myself taking them very personally and it makes me very upset. I fume....

So, as I have thought about this I have thought about how I need to react as opposed to how I do react. In theory, I should be able to work with this lady. I should be able to ask questions when they come up and trust that she will give me the respect that is due. However, past experiences have dictated that is not the case. She belittles me and truthfully, I don't want to play the game. I think she probably gets a rise out of watching me struggle.

Enter in Christ. What would he do in this situation? I have really thought about that this week. What would he do? He would love her. How do I love her I ask? The answer, I put aside my anger and frustration. I put aside this ill will I feel towards her. THAT IS SO HARD TO DO!!! It is a struggle. I feel like I am at one of those points in my life that is a cross roads. How I handle this situation will effect the rest of my life. If I truly forgive her even though she does not recognize that she has done anything wrong I am experiencing the forgiveness Christ extends to us. If I hold on to the bitterness I really am not any better than she is.

I will be honest. I am not at the forgive and forget stage yet. Her stings hurt. She knows exactly which buttons to push. I must push past that. It is kind of like when you are trudging through mud. At first, each step is heavy and hard to push through but as you continue to wade through the steps get easier. You figure out the best way to walk through the muck. This is kind of like that situation. As I learn more about forgiveness and grace, it is easier to let go. It is easier to forgive. It is easier to extend grace. Grace, I think that is probably the key.

This lady does not know Jesus. She does not know what it means to be loved. She has fought all her life for what she wants. She doesn't know what it means to be on the receiving end of love. She did not experience it from her parents. She is a fighter and she never puts down that facade. She doesn't let people into her world. We probably do have something in common. Neither of us trusts others very well. While some people easily trust others there are those of us who have been hurt. Every time I am hurt by someone it is harder and harder to trust them. That trust takes longer and longer to rebuild.

I must turn to God. He is the only one I can truly trust. He is the only one that completely understands. He understands my emotions and loves me through them. He is complete love and he will give me what I need to persevere through this muck. And, I will grow. I will take the correct road at the cross roads and it will make all the difference.

Day 2 - Well, Could have been Better

Well, last night we went to a New year's Eve Party and had fondue. I tried to mainly stick to the veggies and fruits but I did have a few onion rings and meatballs and ham bits. Thankfully I only really liked the marana sauce so that helped me with the higher fat dips. I did have two cups of coffee with creamer and sweet n' low. Over all, not too bad.

Today started out great. I had an omelette with egg substitute and veggies. I had one slice of toast and water. For a snack I had an orange. But, I also had some m'n'm s that were laying around. Stupid m'n'm's. I am so ready to be rid of them! I also had a cookie and DAve brought me home a frappaccino, light. For dinner and lunch I had the same thing, turkey noodles and spinach with an orange. I like the spanich on things because it is good for me and it helps me eat a little less of the richer, higher caloric foods.

As for exercise, yesterday Maddy and I did a 4 mile run in 20 degree weather. It was a really good run but I was sore after it. Today I thought I would be sore but not too bad. I think I will try and run again tomorrow. I think I can run in more frigid temps than just 20 degrees as long as it is sunny out. IF it is cloudy it is too cold.

So I was thinking today about why I go back for a handful of m'n'm s periodically. Partly I did it because they are there but it is more of a self control situation. I will grab a handful without even thinking about it. Why is that? I do like the taste but I would rather save the calories. IT is almost like a defiance issue. I eat them because I am not suppose to. Hummmm.... And who says I am not suppose to? Me. I have it in my mind that I am not suppose to eat them because they are not healthy for me. While that is true, a few here and there can't hurt anything. It is not like I am eating an apple from the tree of good and evil. But, I have a hard time stepping away from the treats. I justify in my mind why it should be okay to have them. I really need to stop that.

Tomorrow's goal: No m' n'm s because I don't need them and a run.

Ready, Set, GO

Well, it is official. I need to get serious about losing some unwanted weight. To that end, I am going to journal my journey in hopes that it will help me stay on track! I am thinking of this as so much of a diet as much as a gift to myself to get healthier. Who knows, maybe that will help me get pregnant. An article I read recently said anyone with a BMI over 25 may have trouble getting pregnant. My BMI is currently at 28.2 something so shedding a few pounds is not a bad thing.

This blog is about honesty. I have a couple of faithful readers (you know who you are....) My goal is go get down to a healthy weight of 140. This will put my weight smack dab in the middle of a healthy weight for my height. That means I have LOTS of work to do!

Here are the stats as of yesterday (the first day of this journey)
Weight: 185
BMI: 28.2
Chest: 43"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 43"
Thigh: 24"

Every week I will post my results (every Wednesday). I am going to use the First Place tools to get this silly weight off. However, every day will be a day of success, even if I fail miserably in the food area because I am taking steps to be healthier. Failure tends to produce more failure in me (well, my mind anyway). With a new year, a new decade comes a new attempt at success.

Ready, set .....GO!

So, for today, I had a love Starbucks Eggnog Frappaccino (the last of the season) and so far a banana. I am a little tired and looking forward to some lunch! Left over chicken noodle soup (creamy and wonderful) over spanich salad. Then, dinner will be fruit and veggies at a New Year's Eve Party. I will post results of the evening tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!