Grrr......

The battle between the good and bad is occuring. I know what I need to do but everything in me wants to fume. I work with this lady who is hardly a lady. Everything in her from what I can tell is nit-picky, knieving, back stabbing and manipulative. While I attempt to not take things personally I find myself taking them very personally and it makes me very upset. I fume....

So, as I have thought about this I have thought about how I need to react as opposed to how I do react. In theory, I should be able to work with this lady. I should be able to ask questions when they come up and trust that she will give me the respect that is due. However, past experiences have dictated that is not the case. She belittles me and truthfully, I don't want to play the game. I think she probably gets a rise out of watching me struggle.

Enter in Christ. What would he do in this situation? I have really thought about that this week. What would he do? He would love her. How do I love her I ask? The answer, I put aside my anger and frustration. I put aside this ill will I feel towards her. THAT IS SO HARD TO DO!!! It is a struggle. I feel like I am at one of those points in my life that is a cross roads. How I handle this situation will effect the rest of my life. If I truly forgive her even though she does not recognize that she has done anything wrong I am experiencing the forgiveness Christ extends to us. If I hold on to the bitterness I really am not any better than she is.

I will be honest. I am not at the forgive and forget stage yet. Her stings hurt. She knows exactly which buttons to push. I must push past that. It is kind of like when you are trudging through mud. At first, each step is heavy and hard to push through but as you continue to wade through the steps get easier. You figure out the best way to walk through the muck. This is kind of like that situation. As I learn more about forgiveness and grace, it is easier to let go. It is easier to forgive. It is easier to extend grace. Grace, I think that is probably the key.

This lady does not know Jesus. She does not know what it means to be loved. She has fought all her life for what she wants. She doesn't know what it means to be on the receiving end of love. She did not experience it from her parents. She is a fighter and she never puts down that facade. She doesn't let people into her world. We probably do have something in common. Neither of us trusts others very well. While some people easily trust others there are those of us who have been hurt. Every time I am hurt by someone it is harder and harder to trust them. That trust takes longer and longer to rebuild.

I must turn to God. He is the only one I can truly trust. He is the only one that completely understands. He understands my emotions and loves me through them. He is complete love and he will give me what I need to persevere through this muck. And, I will grow. I will take the correct road at the cross roads and it will make all the difference.

Day 2 - Well, Could have been Better

Well, last night we went to a New year's Eve Party and had fondue. I tried to mainly stick to the veggies and fruits but I did have a few onion rings and meatballs and ham bits. Thankfully I only really liked the marana sauce so that helped me with the higher fat dips. I did have two cups of coffee with creamer and sweet n' low. Over all, not too bad.

Today started out great. I had an omelette with egg substitute and veggies. I had one slice of toast and water. For a snack I had an orange. But, I also had some m'n'm s that were laying around. Stupid m'n'm's. I am so ready to be rid of them! I also had a cookie and DAve brought me home a frappaccino, light. For dinner and lunch I had the same thing, turkey noodles and spinach with an orange. I like the spanich on things because it is good for me and it helps me eat a little less of the richer, higher caloric foods.

As for exercise, yesterday Maddy and I did a 4 mile run in 20 degree weather. It was a really good run but I was sore after it. Today I thought I would be sore but not too bad. I think I will try and run again tomorrow. I think I can run in more frigid temps than just 20 degrees as long as it is sunny out. IF it is cloudy it is too cold.

So I was thinking today about why I go back for a handful of m'n'm s periodically. Partly I did it because they are there but it is more of a self control situation. I will grab a handful without even thinking about it. Why is that? I do like the taste but I would rather save the calories. IT is almost like a defiance issue. I eat them because I am not suppose to. Hummmm.... And who says I am not suppose to? Me. I have it in my mind that I am not suppose to eat them because they are not healthy for me. While that is true, a few here and there can't hurt anything. It is not like I am eating an apple from the tree of good and evil. But, I have a hard time stepping away from the treats. I justify in my mind why it should be okay to have them. I really need to stop that.

Tomorrow's goal: No m' n'm s because I don't need them and a run.

Ready, Set, GO

Well, it is official. I need to get serious about losing some unwanted weight. To that end, I am going to journal my journey in hopes that it will help me stay on track! I am thinking of this as so much of a diet as much as a gift to myself to get healthier. Who knows, maybe that will help me get pregnant. An article I read recently said anyone with a BMI over 25 may have trouble getting pregnant. My BMI is currently at 28.2 something so shedding a few pounds is not a bad thing.

This blog is about honesty. I have a couple of faithful readers (you know who you are....) My goal is go get down to a healthy weight of 140. This will put my weight smack dab in the middle of a healthy weight for my height. That means I have LOTS of work to do!

Here are the stats as of yesterday (the first day of this journey)
Weight: 185
BMI: 28.2
Chest: 43"
Waist: 38"
Hips: 43"
Thigh: 24"

Every week I will post my results (every Wednesday). I am going to use the First Place tools to get this silly weight off. However, every day will be a day of success, even if I fail miserably in the food area because I am taking steps to be healthier. Failure tends to produce more failure in me (well, my mind anyway). With a new year, a new decade comes a new attempt at success.

Ready, set .....GO!

So, for today, I had a love Starbucks Eggnog Frappaccino (the last of the season) and so far a banana. I am a little tired and looking forward to some lunch! Left over chicken noodle soup (creamy and wonderful) over spanich salad. Then, dinner will be fruit and veggies at a New Year's Eve Party. I will post results of the evening tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Word of the Week - Thankful

This was an interesting week. Nothing in particular happened. It was just a good week. Thank you, Jesus!

In church last Sunday the message was about muscial worship. The speaker did a wonderful job of reminding us that when we come to church to worship it is about giving back to God. It is about praising him for who he is. It is about worshiping the King that is on the throne. It was very powerful to me and I left very thankful.

That idea has been running through my mind this past week. Each day has brought a little something to be thankful for. Monday, was an eye opener day. I have started playing this computer game with my husband called Farmtown. It is fun but my already tight schedule does not allow for useless leisure activities. However, I was drawn to the game. It is a game about completion. It is a game about growing crops and harvesting them. There are tasks that need to be accomplished which bring a reward, more coins so you can buy more things to create this farm. It is a nice, family game. No blood or guts (which I like) and it is something Dave and I can do together. The problem, I spent a little too much time on the game Monday. Yes, I went for my walk with Will and the dogs but as soon as I was back I sat down with my laptop and the planting, harvest, visiting, neigbors, ect, began. I was sitting outside while Will was playing and I justified it. He needs play time along, right? Well, then the neighbor kids came over. I was so into my game that I kind of missed out on talking with them. They are kids that are in my life for a reason. I missed out on the chance to build a relationship with them. So where does the thankful part come in? I am so thankful that God gently pointed that out to me. There was a little nagging voice that said, don't miss the relational opportunities. Those are more important. So, the rest of the week, the game waited until Will went to bed. As a result, I had more play time with him and we did play - a lot. I am not sure that I would have paid as much attention to just playing if not for that Monday experience.

Tuesday, I was thankful for my husband. We had a little run in, nothing big, just small but slightly challening nonetheless. Again, I was thankful. I am thankful for a husband that shares his feelings with me, even when I don't want to hear them. I was thankful that he went and played disc golf with some buddies. I was thankful that he has an outlet.

Wednesday was play day. Actually, first it was grocery shopping and then playing. Will and I went grocery shopping which is always a fun experience. Everything is a learning opportunity for that little guy and for me. I love looking for ways to teach him. He is like a little sponge and he loves to learn from me. I embraced that opportunity. After shopping we went to the farmer's market in Downs. We bought some potatoes and I let him carry the bag. He was so proud of himself. It was so cute! I also realized it was time to teach him about being respectful to adults. One way to do that is to acknowledge them when they speak to him. Sometimes he will bashfully shy away. I decided that action could do more harm than good so no more excuses. When someone greets Will he greets them back. I feel like that was a little nudge from God for me to impress upon Will. Respect is one of those attributes Dave and I feel very strongly about imparting to our kids. Twenty-two months is not too early to begin the lessons. And, he was receptive. After the market we played outside for over an hour. I was pulling weeds and he was exploring. Every once in awhile I would look over at him and he would be playing in some water or exploring a patch of rocks. I found him in the wood chips pile at one point. I thought about the fact that maybe some of the things he was doing might be dangerous but I assessed the risk. I did not feel anything was too much of a risk so I let him explore. He was one filthy boy when we went inside but we both felt a sense of accomplishment. Again, thank you.

Thursday was a busy afternoon. I had to take Maddy and Tucker to the vet and then it was Bunco night. While I was at bunco a lady that typically is a little loud and I struck up a conversation. It was incredibly encouraging and just want I think both of us needed. I felt like I had been at Bunco for a very specific purpose and it wasn't to play bunco!

Today, is Friday. I am thankful for Fridays. It is almost like crossing the finishing line for the week. After finishing a race the reward is a nice, refreshing shower and a long nap. I am looking forward to both of those this weekend. Thank you, Lord, for Fridays.

Word of the Week - Worry

What an interesting little five letter word, worry. It is a little word that describes one of my most fallible areas. The more I learn about myself the more I learn that I have a little problem with this sin. That is what it is. I would love to call it something else but the truth is that is what it is.

This morning I found myself in an interesting place. I found myself worried about my husband. He did not sleep well last night, actually did not sleep at all. I was worred that his attitude would be very poor which would cause me grief. Instantly a wall went up. It was a wall of fear. The wall has a facade that is called worry. When I looked at the worry in my life this morning I saw it for what it really was.

The worry was selfish on my part. You see, when Dave is out of sync, he, like anyone truthfully, gets moody. I feel like I need to fix his moodiness. I tend to walk on egg shells until he is back to "normal." The problem is I don't know what normal is. There is no normal because we are always in a state of growing and changing. If we were always constant we would never grow.

So I started thinking about this a little deeper. I took a very specific event, one night of insomnia, and thought about what happens when I don't sleep. I am tired the next day but I still get through it. I function. I lay down and rest when I can. I seek Christ for my strength. This is what I do now but not what I have always done. In the past I worried, incredibly. I had this little demon on my shoulder that equated not sleeping with depression or anxiety. While depression and/or anxiety usually does follow from several nights of not sleeping well that is no longer my focus. My focus is what is God doing? You see it is in the valleys that I grow.

Thankfully we don't have to stay in the valley forever. In the book, Breaking Free, one of the characteristics of a rebellious child of God that I identified with tremendously was that sometimes I rely on oppression. As I look back at my life it was filled with oppression. I was never certain of what lay at the next corner. Would mom be drunk? Would she be alive? Would she be honest? Would I meet Dad's expectations? Now, I am married. I have moved away from my childhood family but those qualities still haunt me, only now through my husband and little boy. Thoughts such as will Dave be depressed, will he be detached, will he be angry lurk in my mind. That oppression of worry, of not knowing what is around the corner - that keeps me in bondage.

Wow. Another layer of the onion. Every time God reveals a piece of the onion I think that revelation is the most amazing revelation and how can the next be even better. The truth, the next is always life changing. You see, this is an area of my life that has to do with my personality. It has to do with the way I was raised. It is ingrained in me. For a long time that was acceptable. Through this book, through prayer and through reading the Bible I know bondage of any kind is unacceptable in God's eyes. No bondage is good bondage. Isaiah 61:1-4 says "he (Christ) has come to bind up the broken hearted, proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners...to comfort those who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and the garment of praise instead of dispair." But, it doesn't stop there, he goes on to say that, "he will restore the ancient ruins and restore the places long devestated. He will renew the ruined cities that have been devestated for generations." The first part is all about me. He will restore me. He will bind up my hurts from the past. He will comfort me. Not only will he but he does. He is so gentle and patient as he moves me through each day. He shows me new gifts and new ways to love him by loving others. He is turning my mourning into beauty and my tears into dancing. He is freeing me, one day at a time.

The second part is all about the restoring process. As we allow him to comfort us, free us, bind up our broken hearts and allow Him to bless us we change. We become more like him. He rebuilds us but the wall has to come down first. I can't be changed unless I am willing to do my fair share of the hard work.

Beth Moore also commented that, "we want God to somehow wave a wand over us and magically remove every hindrance without requiring anything of us." She goes on to say, "God desires to change us from the inside out - renewing our minds, starving our self destructive tendencies and teaching us to form new habits." This takes time. Lots and lots of time and an incredible amount of willingness. It is a very, very, very hard task to change because we want things now! Think about it, the best things in life take time. A cake, takes time to bake. Lasagna, takes time (and crockpot lasagna, my favorite takes a really long time!). Friendship bread takes several days to make but it is so good in the end. Things that are worth waiting for are always the sweetest blessings. Something good to remember.

So back to my worry statement that I started out with. I can beat myself up with the best of them for worrying but I think that defeats the lesson God is teaching me. Instead, I am going to surrender to him today by nailing my worries to the cross. When something pops into my head that would lead to worry it goes on the cross. We will see how it works! I have a feeling it will work well.

Word of the Week - Respect

I have been pondering this word for awhile. Not sure why I have to think about it at 2:00 am but that was what was on my mind this morning.

I looked it up in the dictionary and to respect someone means "to hold in esteem or honor" or "to show regard or consideration for." As a noun it means "esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability."

Dave told me the other day that he felt like deep inside, I did not respect him. I, of course, being the "perfect" little lady, was hurt that my husband felt this way. Instantly I wanted to throw into his face all the times and ways I have showed him respect. Thankfully, God stepped in an silenced my mouth. I said nothing.

The truth, as I looked deep inside my walled up self, I acknowledged that in some ways I do not respect him. As I prayed about this today, looking back, the way people gained respect was through their job. My dad taught me that. While I have always tried to detour from that idea, I think in the back of my mind it is there. Dave stays at home with Will and while that is an incredibly important job, society doesn't look at that very favorably.

God showed me an area of my life where I needed to ask forgiveness. I was judging my husband and setting expectations in my mind of who he needed to be for me. Pride was once again rearing its ugly head. Thankfully, God showed this to me very gently and affirmatively. He said, "my dear sweet little lady. You have been praying for wisdom, particularly in your marriage. Here is a little hint. Respect your husband for the man I have created him to be. Respect him for the challenges he is working through. Respect him because I respect him. I love that man so much. He is my son. Share in loving him with me."

You see, Dave is God's son before he is my husband. When we married he did not become my project. I was not his savior although I must admit, I think I married partly because I felt like he needed me. Again, pride rearing its ugly head in my life.

Thank you, Jesus, that you are revealing these little tidbits to me. Thank you for saving my marriage by showing me the lies I have believed for so long. My prayer is that my love for my husband will be authentic and sweet. I want to love Dave more now than I ever have before. I want to love him with Christ's love because Dave deserves that. Does he have his issues? Don't we all?

So, I step forward today.

Word of the Week - Insecurity

So, I am reading this book right now called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I feel like I get a counseling session every time I sit down to read it. This week we looked back at generational sin that is handed down from one generation to another. We had to do some work to identify some of those areas. I discovered several things.

First, I think the bulk of my problems stems from insecurity. I struggle with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of not having a schedule. Fear of aspects of relationships. Fear of the unknown. This is all rooted in insecurity. Interestingly enough, my parents both struggled with this and had ever right to. My dad was a military kid. He was never in the same school for more than a year. My mom was loved by her parents but she grew up in a generation of conformity. Her mom, in particular, was always pushing her to do better. When she could not reach the expectations their relationship suffered. My grandmother was an incredible woman and gained wisdom as she matured but I don't think she and my mom had the best relationship growing up. I think there was insecurity on my mom's part as she tried to achieve the expectations of her parents.

Fast forward to me. I grew up fast. I was the Big Sister - always. I don't remember being a kid. I wish someone would have stopped me and said, stop being the big sister and just be a kid. But, no one did. I grew up pleasing people - big time. I was the model student. I was an athlete. I was a friend. But, I was incredible insecure. Granted, the piece of the pie that was missing for me was security at home. I did not have a mom that was often on time. She was a physician and with absolutely no disrespect, you can't be a mom and a full time doctor. She had to be though because she was also a single mom. It makes sense that she felt like a failure. While her practice was thrieving she was dying. She wasn't the mom she wanted to be.

So, when the pressure became too much, she turned to alcohol and my dad left. Both parents were out of the picture during pivitol years in my growing up (age 7-9). I was so lost. My grandparents stepped in to cover while my mom was in treatment for 9 months but they were not a replacement for mom. When she came home and returned to the work grind, she turned back to alcohol. That would be her crutch. I wish I could say that the story turns a page but so far, for the past 20+ years, she has struggled with this addiction.

So, it makes sense that I would feel insecure at times. I would question my relationship with Dave and whether it would weather the storms of life. So, time for some truth. Beth says it takes courage to tear down the ancient boundary stones. She says that first you have to identify them and then you can work with God to conquer them. So, that is where I am at.

So far, God and I have done lots of talking about this. I have told him I haven't a clue what to do about this and he says, no problem. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I tell him I hate being insecure and he says you are secure in me. Then, we walk and talk together. Honestly, it is my favorite relationship because the God that walks with me is gentle. He knows the status of my heart. He knows I am frail and delicate on the inside so he talks to me to that avail. It is a sweet relationship - something I look forward to seeing grow.