I don't even know where to start. I am not sure what exactly is on my mind other than that it is almost 1am and I am I awake. Hate that. Almost three nights like this now. Grrrr..... But, that presents an opportunity for reflection and prayer.
Lately, work has been on my mind. It has been a struggle of the mind, quite honestly. I feel like people look at me differently there. I am not sure why. I didn't do anything that I know of. I know sometimes the gossip ring gets to flowing and people make things up. Why do they do that? Why do people have to be mean and hateful? Why do I even care? I go back to this feeling of heavy oppression at work. It is a feeling like what I felt in high school. It is this desire for people to like me. I want to be treated with respect. I feel like I go out of my way to treat others with respect. I don't talk about them behind their backs even though sometimes I want to be mean and hateful. When I feel like that I pray about it. I just don't get it.
So, I think about what thoughts fill my head. Thoughts about "I am not my brother's keeper" and "pray for those who persecute you." I feel a little like a major persecution is taking place. Again, I have to ask myself, why do I care? I care because I care about the truth coming out. I care about treating people fairly. I care about kindness and gentleness. I care about how others feel and I want them to care about how I feel. I feel like leader who has fallen from her position of leadership. I love leading but something happened.
All of this is very humbling and I kind of look at it for a minute and ask, what would Jesus do? He was perscuted more than any other. People could not handle the truth that he shared. Jesus pushed on. That is where I am struggling. I am having trouble pushing on. Sure, I am going to work and doing my job but I want more than that. I am a woman who loves relationships. The relationships at work are broken and that makes me sad.
I want to run away, honestly. I want to start fresh, start over. But, I know I can't do that. As I have prayed and asked God for wisdom the response is that He won't keep me there one day longer than he needs me there. He knows my heart. He knows I am hurting and at times, lonely at work. He also knows that it is through the tough times that we grow and change. We are refined. I feel like I am in the refining process and the fire is hot. So often I just want out of the fire. I want to be in the cool of stability. I want peace, internal peace. Even when chaos is flowing all around me I want the peace that surpasses all understanding. And the truth, that peace is available to me. I just have to accept it. It is a complete submission to Christ and his authority over my life. It is continuing to tell myself the truth. I am a good person with a good heart. I want to do what Christ has called me to do and right now, that is to work at COUNTRY. As I type that tears come to my eyes because that is not what I want. However, during this Easter season I am reminded that Christ did not want to die on the cross. He did not want to be separated from His Father yet that was what had to be done. He prayed and pleaded. In the end, he submitted.
Based on this, I have to give myself some grace. Once again, I see that Christ knows how I feel. He knows what it feels like to want something differently but to submit to his current situation. He knows which is why when I walk into work every morning he walks in with me. Honestly, when I walk into work I ask God to join me. I can't get through the day without him. I picture him holding my hand and saying, "let's do this together. You are not alone." And that is where there is peace.
A hymn just popped into my head that must be straight from God because I don't usually think in terms of hymns. The song is In the Garden. The refrain says, "He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known." My relationship with Christ is the most special relationship I have. He does walk with me and he does talk with me. He whispers sweet encouragement to me and he is never harsh. Sometimes I think what have I done that God would allow me in this position at work and in my life. The truth, I have trusted him. He is in the business of refining. If I wasn't going through a tough time I might miss the sound of His voice. With that being said, I am encouraged to know that I can hear his voice during times of prosperity too. But, I must be faithful. Job was faithful when he lost everything. He didn't do anything to deserve that yet he continued to be true to God. He must have struggled with his thoughts just like I do at times but the truth comes back to Him being in control. That is where I find my peace and my strength.
1 comment:
I sometimes forget how similar we are, Em. What you've described is one of my biggest struggles and the one I pray about most often. Remembering that the only opinion that matters, the only one that means anything, is the opinion of our Father. I want you to know that you are loved. You have always been an encouragement to me, even when the things going on in your life have been so hard. That can only come as an outpouring of the love with which God has filled you. I have learned so much from you and am incredibly thankful for our friendship. God has used you in my life numerous times to show me himself and to change me to be more like Christ. Whatever is happening at work, know that God is quietly working in the situation. You know well that He does not have plans to harm you, but plans for a hope and a future. Keep fighting the good fight and know that on the other side of this trial is a deeper relationship with God and a greater understanding of his love, faithfulness, grace and mercy.
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