Just Love it when God does this!

So, I was having a little bit of a personal, private pity party about how many responsibilities I have and how I don't have enough time to get them done and still have a little bit of down time. Really was focused on blaming Dave for many of the problems because shoot, he is the other adult in the house and he could help out more, right? Most of the time I see him with an ipad in hand or at the computer. It aggravates me and that was the road I have been on the last few days.

I have been praying about it. God, give me a break through in better understanding where my husband is mentally and what I can do to help. I want to show him compassion and love him despite of what he does but my goodness, my desires sometimes become so strong and I just want to dig my heels in.

Enter God...

One of the beautiful things about my heavenly father is that he loves me unconditionally. He put Dave and I together with all of our issues and like a mother or father might say to a child, he lets us work through our issues. He knows the answers. He could fix it and sometimes does but usually he lets us walk through the situation because we gain wisdom along the way. It is kind of like video games where you get tins in order to have more life. You are not given all the tools right off the bat. You have to earn them. As you pass through levels that are challenging you gain more tools. Similarly to the human life, as I pass through a struggle I have the opportunity to pick up bits of wisdom and understanding along the path. I have the choice though, just like in a video game. I can pick up the pieces along the journey and have more "life" or I can ignore the pieces all together and have no life. That option stinks.

So, in my current "level" I have options. Discouragement and an attitude of entitlement which will lead to further discouragement or I can look at my life as an opportunity to serve my family and friends. One way leads to more life and includes God (he fuels this endeavor) and the other way leads to disappointment, anger and much less than the abundant life.

Today's devotional was about this very subject. Love it when God SPELLS it out for me! Thank you Lord. I love you.

Verse on my heart this morning

I will be very honest right now. I am tired. Not just physically tired but emotionally tired. The idea of doing one more thing is overwelming. The idea of doing what needs to be accomplished today is overwelming. I am just tired.

I could blame many things on my exhaustion. Maybe it is the change in the weather or the fact that I don't get enough sleep at night. Maybe it is that we just got back from a long weekend trip to Huntsville or maybe it is that my youngest child still wakes up once in the night crying. Or maybe it is a little bit of all of those combined to form my exhaustion.

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

Mercies in Disguise

This song has been running through my head all morning and I really like it. It is called "Blessings" by Laura Story. The chorus goes something like this:

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepness nights
Are what it takes to know you're near
What if the trials in this life are your mercies in disguise....

My life has been marked by a few significant events that have humbled me to the core and caused my relationship with Christ to soar. It is amazing how closely we hold on to God when life is tough. And how much we can grow when we allow ourselves to rely on Christ.

It is through the trials that I grow. When I have a season of depression or disappointment my emotional side cries out - God, why???? I hate this season. But, the reality, my spiritual side is rejoicing because my mind and body are turned to Christ. There is a refreshment that comes with submitting myself to Christ and saying, I am weak but you are strong. I am failing according to my standards but in you I am whole. That doesn't always make the pain go away or the depression lift but it does give me the strength to make it through yet another day. It gives me hope because all we have is today.

When my mind is on Christ I can face the day because I know in my heart I have my best friend beside me. He makes me laugh and he lets me cry. I never have to hide my tears when I am around Christ. He lets me be the me who I am at the core and he encourages that person. He encourages me to be the woman he has created and sometimes that means she cries. Sometimes that means she laughs but she always cares. She always loves. She knows where to turn when the blessings come through raindrops...

My Hubby

I have to tell you something. I have a best friend. It is a he and sometimes I forget that he is my best friend. Sometimes I don't treat him like my best friend - I treat him not so nice.

That is what happened yesterday. My nerves had been grated and I was fiesty but not in a good way. I was mean. that wasn't like me. What was going on? Why was I so PO'ed at the world and in particular, at my hubby?

I could list the outside factors that seemed very logical - dishes to do, laundry to fold, floors to mop, floors to vacuum, toys to pick up. Why was I doing all of this after working all day? So, I put on my most unattractive attitude - martidum - and quickly picked things up. The main focus on where to put said toys was a large trash can outside. I mean, if we didn't have all these toys then we (I) wouldn't have to pick them up! The fire in my thought process was being fanned and all the sudden there was a bonfire. Logs were being added. Things not usually ment for burning were being added (plastic cups, stuffed animals, legos, toy cars, tools sitting on my kitchen counter, games, papers, ect, ect...).

To calm my frustration I decided I needed a nice candle to burn, literally. I thought maybe the aroma would be therapy for my soul. Ironically, I couldn't find a lighter. So I had this amazing bonfire and nothing to light it with, literally.

What can be hotter than fire? What is sharper than a sword? My mouth. And the words I wish I could take back simply spilled out. Once they were out there I looked at my husband. He was hurt. Very, very hurt. He was already down I and came in for the final kick. It wasn't intential but it must have been on my mind because the words flowed out without any analysis on my part. I hate it when that happens!

He went off to sooth his aching soul and then he said something I will never forget. He said, "Sometimes I think you would be better off without me." Oh wow. I deserved it. Dave has never been one to keep things to himself.

As I drove off to a party, of all things, last night I had time to think and pray. I realized as I prayed that my husband is my best friend and yet I wasn't treating him as such. I was treating him more like a kid. He is a 41 year old man. He deserves a little more respect than that. He deserves to have a bad day, week, month every once in a while. And he deserves to have a wife that will let him figure things out without her ever so helpful "encouragement."

I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my Dave-O, Handsome Boy, Knight in Shinning Armor. All of his expectations and mine for that matter, might not be met yet but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I hope he can know that.

Another week as come and gone...

What a crazy week! Dave came up with this great plan to surprise my dad on his birthday by showing up in Nashville for a couple of days - unannounced. We told my brother and sister-in-law who live next door but other than that, my dad did not have a clue. We were going to show up at his house and stick both boys in a wrapped box and then have my dad open the box but we arrived right as he was scheduled to see a client. Instead we met him at his work as he was pulling in. He was definitely surprised! I loved his smile. Very genuine. We enjoyed nice conversation over dinner with my brother and his very sweet wife. I love her. She is such an excellent addition to our family. Then we all headed to bed. Poor Timothy didn't sleep well. I actually slept on the floor next to his little bed for a bit that night with my hand on his back. As soon as I moved he would wake up. Just needed his mama nearby I guess.

The next day we went and saw the trains at Cheekwood and lunch with Colin. Lunching with two children, even well behaved children, does not lend itself to much conversation. But, we enjoyed the meal anyway. We took two very tired children back to Dad's. Dad and I went out to grab a couple of items we needed for the all american dinner - hamburgers, baked beans, watermelon and corn on the cob. Yum.... The meal was finished off by dad's famous milk shakes. Never can get enough of those. Will LOVES my dad's milkshakes. He went up and asked specifically for one after dinner and again the next morning for breakfast. For dinner, yes but not for breakfast. Oh well. Can't blame the boy for trying! That afternoon (before dinner) dad decided he wanted to wash the car for us. When my dad washes a car he doesn't just run some soap and water over the exterior. He does it right. First he washes, uses some tar/bug remover, then dries so no water spots are left over and then waxes. He was doing this in 101 degree weather. He was SOAKED when he came inside and looked very tired. Michelle helped with the vacuuming and the next day Dad and I finished up with windows, final vacuuming, and more de-hairing. He had this really neat brush that took up dog hair better than anything I have ever used before. Very slick.

One of the things I truly appreciate about my dad is that he does things right. And he loves to do things for his children. I hope he is around for a long, long time - because I love him very much.

And then we had a flair up with my mom. I HATE divorce and alcoholism. If anyone ever tries to tell me addictions will not effect the family I would call them ignorant at best. The problem with divorce is that we have to split our time between parents. You would think after 20+ years I would be use to it but alias, I am not. I still wish my parents were married. But then there is this nasty addiction that has plagued our family. It is evil and vindictive. I am so thankful that God has healed so many of the wounds and anger I had towards my mom. Slowly I am beginning to trust her and open up to her and it feels so good. Grace is what I have learned and it has freed me up to have a relationship with her. Dave come to this addiction situation with a different viewpoint. He wants to protect his family. And protection from a person struggling with an addiction is tricky. I want to have a relationship with my mom but I don't want to allow the disease to ruin that. I have to remember to love my mom in spite of the addiction. She is a woman who happens to be my mom. I am not going to continue to fault her for struggling with an addiction. But everyone gets to that point at a different speed. Dave is not there yet so we had to bypass a visit with her this time. I really want her to be able to hold the boys and love on them. But, as I am learning, I have to trust God.

My mom was very disappointed and hurt when she found out we were in town. I purposely had not told her we would be in town in case we were not able to see her. She found out because of a facebook post. Thankfully something good was able to come out of all of this. My mom and I were able to reconcile quickly. In the past it has taken months sometimes for the hurt to subside but this time it only took a couple of days. She apologized for getting so upset and said she still doesn't understand but is going to be patient. I was able to confront her on something she had said the evening before and God gave me the grace to say it with love. Thank you LORD!!

Next week I go back to work and while I like routine I find myself somewhat sad. I love being a house wife. I love taking care of my family. I love taking care of the house. My new prayer is simple, show me how to trust you more and stop me when I forget.

So Holy Spirit Like...

Ever have those times when you would swear the pastor knew exactly what you were going through or reading at this exact moment? Doesn't happen to me very often but when it does I call it a Holy Spirit moment and I listen. The reason why, no one can plan that kind of thing. It is not a coincidence.

Todays message was on the Ethiopian Philip means on a road near the red sea. It is all about trusting God and responding to the Holy Spirit. Philip had no intention of taking this road. He was headed to a revival where everyone was being converted. It was a huge party! But, God had other plans. He knows that EVERYONE needs salvation and those that already have it, getting together to celebrate is important but having a new member join the Family is more important. Philip takes this road somewhat begrudgingly. He runs into this Ethiopian who is a eunuch. He is the treasure for Candace (the queen of Ethiopia) and also in charge of the Harem for the king. The king did want this person in this job to be destracted from their responsibilities so the eunuch was castrated. Here was a man who could not have children during a period of time where children were very important. He was black which means he stuck out like a sore thumb in Judea. Yet, he needed salvation.

Here comes Philip and he notices the Ethiopian on the side of the road reading the Bible and perplexed. Philip asks if he understands what he is reading and the reply is not at all. Philip then has the opportunity to explain the passage in Isaiah which happens to be a foreshadowing of Christ. At the end of the conversation the Ethiopian is baptized. The bottom line, he rejoices. His circumstance hasn't changed. He is still a eunuch but his life is changed because he now knows Christ. He knows his life is not his own. He knows someone loved him enough to die for him. He trusts and believes.

Mike challenged us. He stated your circumstances might not be the best and you might ask the who, what, why, how questions to God all the time to which he is quiet, but maybe that is not what this is all about. Maybe it isn't ours to ask God but rather to respond to the leading of the Holy Spirit. God is at work in our life. We just have to trust and believe.

I get it. I get it more today then I have in a long time. I feel like I am somewhat of a free woman right now. God is in control. The questions that all come to mind right now are silenced. I am enjoying the peace that comes from knowing that God is in control. It is not mine to question why but rather to follow where he leads. That is the heart of a changed life in Christ.

Type A Personality - a blessing and a curse

God is working on me and it is interesting to be a part of what he is doing.

You will have to forgive my over analytical mind. It works much faster than I can keep up with most of the time. I am working through in my mind how to do things for God's glory instead of mine. I have been programmed, okay we all have been, to do things to receive praise for them. In and of itself that isn't a bad thing except that the praise is pointless. You work hard, get praise and then have to work hard again to get praise to feel good about yourself. Eventually the praise, like recreational drugs I suppose (although thankfully I have never tried them), isn't enough. You can't work any harder to get the praise you need. And in the process, you get very, very tired and discouraged.

Enter God. The solution - duh.... If I am working for God and looking to him for praise that is praise that is eternal. Hear me out. I was created to bring praise and glory to God. That is my ultimate purpose. I achieve that through doing things for him, not for myself. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is in this world and at this moment, it is to take care of those things he has placed in my life - my husband, my boys, my friends. People. And taking care of people is an interesting thing. It can become a chore if I look at it from a human standpoint. I get wiped out. Interestingly enough, my mom and dad both on separate occasions have commented on how proud they are of me and Dave and the work we are doing. Do you know that it really did nothing for me? It was human praise which was nice and appreciated but it did not make me want to try harder. Very interesting to me. I think this is where God is changing me.

What brings a smile to my face is knowing that I am doing what God has called me to do. He has placed two beautiful boys in my life and a very loving husband. He has given me these blessings and only asks that I enjoy them. I need to respect them, love them and seek God for how to proceed in the relationships. Other than that, I am free to enjoy them. I am free to smile when I make baby food for Timothy. It isn't a chore, it is a privilege. I am free to smile when I tuck Will into bed at night and he wants to snuggle just a little bit longer. I am free to also spank his little bottom when he needs it - doesn't produce smiles but it is what I have to do sometimes. Anyway, freedom is a new feeling for me and something I am not overly comfortable with. However, I am very comfortable experiencing the joy and peace that comes from looking up to God instead of out to man for my contentment.

Something tough for this type A personality person to learn but by grace, I am getting it.