Mercies in Disguise

This song has been running through my head all morning and I really like it. It is called "Blessings" by Laura Story. The chorus goes something like this:

What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepness nights
Are what it takes to know you're near
What if the trials in this life are your mercies in disguise....

My life has been marked by a few significant events that have humbled me to the core and caused my relationship with Christ to soar. It is amazing how closely we hold on to God when life is tough. And how much we can grow when we allow ourselves to rely on Christ.

It is through the trials that I grow. When I have a season of depression or disappointment my emotional side cries out - God, why???? I hate this season. But, the reality, my spiritual side is rejoicing because my mind and body are turned to Christ. There is a refreshment that comes with submitting myself to Christ and saying, I am weak but you are strong. I am failing according to my standards but in you I am whole. That doesn't always make the pain go away or the depression lift but it does give me the strength to make it through yet another day. It gives me hope because all we have is today.

When my mind is on Christ I can face the day because I know in my heart I have my best friend beside me. He makes me laugh and he lets me cry. I never have to hide my tears when I am around Christ. He lets me be the me who I am at the core and he encourages that person. He encourages me to be the woman he has created and sometimes that means she cries. Sometimes that means she laughs but she always cares. She always loves. She knows where to turn when the blessings come through raindrops...

My Hubby

I have to tell you something. I have a best friend. It is a he and sometimes I forget that he is my best friend. Sometimes I don't treat him like my best friend - I treat him not so nice.

That is what happened yesterday. My nerves had been grated and I was fiesty but not in a good way. I was mean. that wasn't like me. What was going on? Why was I so PO'ed at the world and in particular, at my hubby?

I could list the outside factors that seemed very logical - dishes to do, laundry to fold, floors to mop, floors to vacuum, toys to pick up. Why was I doing all of this after working all day? So, I put on my most unattractive attitude - martidum - and quickly picked things up. The main focus on where to put said toys was a large trash can outside. I mean, if we didn't have all these toys then we (I) wouldn't have to pick them up! The fire in my thought process was being fanned and all the sudden there was a bonfire. Logs were being added. Things not usually ment for burning were being added (plastic cups, stuffed animals, legos, toy cars, tools sitting on my kitchen counter, games, papers, ect, ect...).

To calm my frustration I decided I needed a nice candle to burn, literally. I thought maybe the aroma would be therapy for my soul. Ironically, I couldn't find a lighter. So I had this amazing bonfire and nothing to light it with, literally.

What can be hotter than fire? What is sharper than a sword? My mouth. And the words I wish I could take back simply spilled out. Once they were out there I looked at my husband. He was hurt. Very, very hurt. He was already down I and came in for the final kick. It wasn't intential but it must have been on my mind because the words flowed out without any analysis on my part. I hate it when that happens!

He went off to sooth his aching soul and then he said something I will never forget. He said, "Sometimes I think you would be better off without me." Oh wow. I deserved it. Dave has never been one to keep things to himself.

As I drove off to a party, of all things, last night I had time to think and pray. I realized as I prayed that my husband is my best friend and yet I wasn't treating him as such. I was treating him more like a kid. He is a 41 year old man. He deserves a little more respect than that. He deserves to have a bad day, week, month every once in a while. And he deserves to have a wife that will let him figure things out without her ever so helpful "encouragement."

I love him and wouldn't trade him for the world. He is my Dave-O, Handsome Boy, Knight in Shinning Armor. All of his expectations and mine for that matter, might not be met yet but that doesn't change the fact that I love him. I hope he can know that.

Another week as come and gone...

What a crazy week! Dave came up with this great plan to surprise my dad on his birthday by showing up in Nashville for a couple of days - unannounced. We told my brother and sister-in-law who live next door but other than that, my dad did not have a clue. We were going to show up at his house and stick both boys in a wrapped box and then have my dad open the box but we arrived right as he was scheduled to see a client. Instead we met him at his work as he was pulling in. He was definitely surprised! I loved his smile. Very genuine. We enjoyed nice conversation over dinner with my brother and his very sweet wife. I love her. She is such an excellent addition to our family. Then we all headed to bed. Poor Timothy didn't sleep well. I actually slept on the floor next to his little bed for a bit that night with my hand on his back. As soon as I moved he would wake up. Just needed his mama nearby I guess.

The next day we went and saw the trains at Cheekwood and lunch with Colin. Lunching with two children, even well behaved children, does not lend itself to much conversation. But, we enjoyed the meal anyway. We took two very tired children back to Dad's. Dad and I went out to grab a couple of items we needed for the all american dinner - hamburgers, baked beans, watermelon and corn on the cob. Yum.... The meal was finished off by dad's famous milk shakes. Never can get enough of those. Will LOVES my dad's milkshakes. He went up and asked specifically for one after dinner and again the next morning for breakfast. For dinner, yes but not for breakfast. Oh well. Can't blame the boy for trying! That afternoon (before dinner) dad decided he wanted to wash the car for us. When my dad washes a car he doesn't just run some soap and water over the exterior. He does it right. First he washes, uses some tar/bug remover, then dries so no water spots are left over and then waxes. He was doing this in 101 degree weather. He was SOAKED when he came inside and looked very tired. Michelle helped with the vacuuming and the next day Dad and I finished up with windows, final vacuuming, and more de-hairing. He had this really neat brush that took up dog hair better than anything I have ever used before. Very slick.

One of the things I truly appreciate about my dad is that he does things right. And he loves to do things for his children. I hope he is around for a long, long time - because I love him very much.

And then we had a flair up with my mom. I HATE divorce and alcoholism. If anyone ever tries to tell me addictions will not effect the family I would call them ignorant at best. The problem with divorce is that we have to split our time between parents. You would think after 20+ years I would be use to it but alias, I am not. I still wish my parents were married. But then there is this nasty addiction that has plagued our family. It is evil and vindictive. I am so thankful that God has healed so many of the wounds and anger I had towards my mom. Slowly I am beginning to trust her and open up to her and it feels so good. Grace is what I have learned and it has freed me up to have a relationship with her. Dave come to this addiction situation with a different viewpoint. He wants to protect his family. And protection from a person struggling with an addiction is tricky. I want to have a relationship with my mom but I don't want to allow the disease to ruin that. I have to remember to love my mom in spite of the addiction. She is a woman who happens to be my mom. I am not going to continue to fault her for struggling with an addiction. But everyone gets to that point at a different speed. Dave is not there yet so we had to bypass a visit with her this time. I really want her to be able to hold the boys and love on them. But, as I am learning, I have to trust God.

My mom was very disappointed and hurt when she found out we were in town. I purposely had not told her we would be in town in case we were not able to see her. She found out because of a facebook post. Thankfully something good was able to come out of all of this. My mom and I were able to reconcile quickly. In the past it has taken months sometimes for the hurt to subside but this time it only took a couple of days. She apologized for getting so upset and said she still doesn't understand but is going to be patient. I was able to confront her on something she had said the evening before and God gave me the grace to say it with love. Thank you LORD!!

Next week I go back to work and while I like routine I find myself somewhat sad. I love being a house wife. I love taking care of my family. I love taking care of the house. My new prayer is simple, show me how to trust you more and stop me when I forget.

So Holy Spirit Like...

Ever have those times when you would swear the pastor knew exactly what you were going through or reading at this exact moment? Doesn't happen to me very often but when it does I call it a Holy Spirit moment and I listen. The reason why, no one can plan that kind of thing. It is not a coincidence.

Todays message was on the Ethiopian Philip means on a road near the red sea. It is all about trusting God and responding to the Holy Spirit. Philip had no intention of taking this road. He was headed to a revival where everyone was being converted. It was a huge party! But, God had other plans. He knows that EVERYONE needs salvation and those that already have it, getting together to celebrate is important but having a new member join the Family is more important. Philip takes this road somewhat begrudgingly. He runs into this Ethiopian who is a eunuch. He is the treasure for Candace (the queen of Ethiopia) and also in charge of the Harem for the king. The king did want this person in this job to be destracted from their responsibilities so the eunuch was castrated. Here was a man who could not have children during a period of time where children were very important. He was black which means he stuck out like a sore thumb in Judea. Yet, he needed salvation.

Here comes Philip and he notices the Ethiopian on the side of the road reading the Bible and perplexed. Philip asks if he understands what he is reading and the reply is not at all. Philip then has the opportunity to explain the passage in Isaiah which happens to be a foreshadowing of Christ. At the end of the conversation the Ethiopian is baptized. The bottom line, he rejoices. His circumstance hasn't changed. He is still a eunuch but his life is changed because he now knows Christ. He knows his life is not his own. He knows someone loved him enough to die for him. He trusts and believes.

Mike challenged us. He stated your circumstances might not be the best and you might ask the who, what, why, how questions to God all the time to which he is quiet, but maybe that is not what this is all about. Maybe it isn't ours to ask God but rather to respond to the leading of the Holy Spirit. God is at work in our life. We just have to trust and believe.

I get it. I get it more today then I have in a long time. I feel like I am somewhat of a free woman right now. God is in control. The questions that all come to mind right now are silenced. I am enjoying the peace that comes from knowing that God is in control. It is not mine to question why but rather to follow where he leads. That is the heart of a changed life in Christ.

Type A Personality - a blessing and a curse

God is working on me and it is interesting to be a part of what he is doing.

You will have to forgive my over analytical mind. It works much faster than I can keep up with most of the time. I am working through in my mind how to do things for God's glory instead of mine. I have been programmed, okay we all have been, to do things to receive praise for them. In and of itself that isn't a bad thing except that the praise is pointless. You work hard, get praise and then have to work hard again to get praise to feel good about yourself. Eventually the praise, like recreational drugs I suppose (although thankfully I have never tried them), isn't enough. You can't work any harder to get the praise you need. And in the process, you get very, very tired and discouraged.

Enter God. The solution - duh.... If I am working for God and looking to him for praise that is praise that is eternal. Hear me out. I was created to bring praise and glory to God. That is my ultimate purpose. I achieve that through doing things for him, not for myself. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is in this world and at this moment, it is to take care of those things he has placed in my life - my husband, my boys, my friends. People. And taking care of people is an interesting thing. It can become a chore if I look at it from a human standpoint. I get wiped out. Interestingly enough, my mom and dad both on separate occasions have commented on how proud they are of me and Dave and the work we are doing. Do you know that it really did nothing for me? It was human praise which was nice and appreciated but it did not make me want to try harder. Very interesting to me. I think this is where God is changing me.

What brings a smile to my face is knowing that I am doing what God has called me to do. He has placed two beautiful boys in my life and a very loving husband. He has given me these blessings and only asks that I enjoy them. I need to respect them, love them and seek God for how to proceed in the relationships. Other than that, I am free to enjoy them. I am free to smile when I make baby food for Timothy. It isn't a chore, it is a privilege. I am free to smile when I tuck Will into bed at night and he wants to snuggle just a little bit longer. I am free to also spank his little bottom when he needs it - doesn't produce smiles but it is what I have to do sometimes. Anyway, freedom is a new feeling for me and something I am not overly comfortable with. However, I am very comfortable experiencing the joy and peace that comes from looking up to God instead of out to man for my contentment.

Something tough for this type A personality person to learn but by grace, I am getting it.

A Humorous God

Ever have those days where you have to laugh because if you don't you will cry. I had one of those days today. It all started when I didn't sleep well - never good. I did manage to take a bath (because those are all I get to take at the moment) by myself and even had my hair dried before the house woke up. Then, snuggle time with everyone - I love that time. Can't get enough of that. And then, off to the doctor to check on the old foot which is healing very nicely - thank you very much.

So, sounds good so far. Except, I had this underlying low key depression feeling the better part of the day. I want to blame it on routine and that is part of it but if I am really honest with myself, I just hate worrying yet I can't always stop the worry once it starts. It is a very bad habit I have. And like I have said before, when these brief seasons erupt in my life God always shows me something brilliant. This is no different.

Enter, one of the books I read on a regular basis. This is actually my third reading of it and every time I read it I get something better out of it than the last time. It is called Laugh Again, Experience Outrageous Joy by Charles Swindoll. I love the topic of joy. I feel like joy was one of those things I missed out on as a child and I want to know more about it. I want to experience joy on the foggiest of days.

This book is all about joy but through the apostle Paul and his letter to Philippi. The man was in chains and had been for some time. He had no routine on a day to day basis but he still experienced joy - because he knew the bigger picture. I love this. He knew that what was happening to him for today was furthering God's kingdom. It was not about him and his circumstances. It was about the ultimate goal of why we are on this earth - to bring glory to God. It wasn't happiness but he could survive the daily grind of sitting in a dark jail cell with his mind and maybe a few cell mates because he took each opportunity to share about Christ not only with those around him but even those further away. His message is still around today and that is so inspiring.

Let's get one thing straight here, I don't want to be in chains or in challenging situations for the rest of my life but I do want to be part of God's team. I want to be able to say without any hesitation that I am sold out to Christ even when the going gets tough. And thankfully, I feel like I am near a place where I can. I love that. I love my personal relationship with my personal Heavenly Father. I love that he is with me every step of every day. I really never am alone. I wish others knew what that was like. I can't explain it very well with words because it is something you just begin to understand one day. It is one of the pleasures that comes out through the journey - the serious pot holes and the smooth road.

So, today got better the more I read about joy. The more I was challenged to remember that everything that happens is already known by God and could be used to further his kingdom. I had to discipline Will several times today - more than usual and I found it ironic. I got to use what I had learned and I will be honest, while discipline is not fun, it is necessary. I had several times where I could have caved into poor behavior and even justified it a little bit but I choose to use the opportunities to teach with grace and humility.

I am not a perfect mama and never will be. I will always be far from it but when I die I want my boys to know that they were loved and taught to respect others and love God with all their heart. My prayer is that I will continue to learn what these different attributes mean so I can show them not only in word but more importantly, in action.

There are so many amazing quotes in this book - even as I look back I am amazed at what I have learned again already (remember, third time is a charm!). But, this is what I am most impressed with this evening:

"If we hope to maintain our joy in the process (of overcoming a dilemma), we must (repeat must) allow the Lord to be our Guide, our Strength, our Wisdom - our all."

Allowing Others to Serve

There are points in my life where God stops me and shows me some amazing things. I will be honest, I rarely like the stopping points. Remember, I am a routine person and breaking out of my routine causes me to stop or at least slow down.

So this morning I was reading a devotional about Job. He was a good man. He had many good things and they had been given to him. In one fellow swoop all was taken away from him. Instead of critizing God and asking why he plunged forward. He allowed God the time to heal him. It didn't happen all at once. It happened over a season of time but at the end of that season life was better than it had been before.

I wonder if Job ever thought back about life before? I wonder if he ever dwelt on what was? Did he suffer from PTSD and if not, why not? He had EVERYTHING taken from him. His family. His job. Everything but his life. In the midst of that he said I am still going to praise God. I am still going to believe he is the true God.

I think about that in my life right now. In no way am I like Job except I am slightly inconvenienced. My family is laughing in the other room. My husband is doing dishes for me and bring me laundry that he has moved from the washer to the dryer. Life is so good and yet I find tears in my eyes because I am not content. I hate that. What is wrong with me? Seriously. I have more in a short 33 years of life than most people have in a life time. I have a husband that loves me and serves me. I have two boys who light up my life. They are such joy. I have two dogs that love me and most importantly I have a relationship with God. I know I am going to heaven when I die and I know his work here on earth with me is just beginning. That is exciting.

I have this feeling that this piece of my puzzle is something we (God and I) have to work through before he can show us the next stage or step of life. Maybe that looks like contentment regardless of what comes our way. Trusting Jesus even through the trials. There is something beautiful about that and freeing. That doesn't mean there won't be tears. That doesn't mean there won't be times of questioning but that does mean there is peace in the midst of the storm. It does mean there is guidance even when there are struggles. That does mean there are open arms when all other doors are closed. His name is Jesus and he loves me more than anything. Everything else pales in comparison to how much he loves me.