Type A Personality - a blessing and a curse

God is working on me and it is interesting to be a part of what he is doing.

You will have to forgive my over analytical mind. It works much faster than I can keep up with most of the time. I am working through in my mind how to do things for God's glory instead of mine. I have been programmed, okay we all have been, to do things to receive praise for them. In and of itself that isn't a bad thing except that the praise is pointless. You work hard, get praise and then have to work hard again to get praise to feel good about yourself. Eventually the praise, like recreational drugs I suppose (although thankfully I have never tried them), isn't enough. You can't work any harder to get the praise you need. And in the process, you get very, very tired and discouraged.

Enter God. The solution - duh.... If I am working for God and looking to him for praise that is praise that is eternal. Hear me out. I was created to bring praise and glory to God. That is my ultimate purpose. I achieve that through doing things for him, not for myself. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is in this world and at this moment, it is to take care of those things he has placed in my life - my husband, my boys, my friends. People. And taking care of people is an interesting thing. It can become a chore if I look at it from a human standpoint. I get wiped out. Interestingly enough, my mom and dad both on separate occasions have commented on how proud they are of me and Dave and the work we are doing. Do you know that it really did nothing for me? It was human praise which was nice and appreciated but it did not make me want to try harder. Very interesting to me. I think this is where God is changing me.

What brings a smile to my face is knowing that I am doing what God has called me to do. He has placed two beautiful boys in my life and a very loving husband. He has given me these blessings and only asks that I enjoy them. I need to respect them, love them and seek God for how to proceed in the relationships. Other than that, I am free to enjoy them. I am free to smile when I make baby food for Timothy. It isn't a chore, it is a privilege. I am free to smile when I tuck Will into bed at night and he wants to snuggle just a little bit longer. I am free to also spank his little bottom when he needs it - doesn't produce smiles but it is what I have to do sometimes. Anyway, freedom is a new feeling for me and something I am not overly comfortable with. However, I am very comfortable experiencing the joy and peace that comes from looking up to God instead of out to man for my contentment.

Something tough for this type A personality person to learn but by grace, I am getting it.

A Humorous God

Ever have those days where you have to laugh because if you don't you will cry. I had one of those days today. It all started when I didn't sleep well - never good. I did manage to take a bath (because those are all I get to take at the moment) by myself and even had my hair dried before the house woke up. Then, snuggle time with everyone - I love that time. Can't get enough of that. And then, off to the doctor to check on the old foot which is healing very nicely - thank you very much.

So, sounds good so far. Except, I had this underlying low key depression feeling the better part of the day. I want to blame it on routine and that is part of it but if I am really honest with myself, I just hate worrying yet I can't always stop the worry once it starts. It is a very bad habit I have. And like I have said before, when these brief seasons erupt in my life God always shows me something brilliant. This is no different.

Enter, one of the books I read on a regular basis. This is actually my third reading of it and every time I read it I get something better out of it than the last time. It is called Laugh Again, Experience Outrageous Joy by Charles Swindoll. I love the topic of joy. I feel like joy was one of those things I missed out on as a child and I want to know more about it. I want to experience joy on the foggiest of days.

This book is all about joy but through the apostle Paul and his letter to Philippi. The man was in chains and had been for some time. He had no routine on a day to day basis but he still experienced joy - because he knew the bigger picture. I love this. He knew that what was happening to him for today was furthering God's kingdom. It was not about him and his circumstances. It was about the ultimate goal of why we are on this earth - to bring glory to God. It wasn't happiness but he could survive the daily grind of sitting in a dark jail cell with his mind and maybe a few cell mates because he took each opportunity to share about Christ not only with those around him but even those further away. His message is still around today and that is so inspiring.

Let's get one thing straight here, I don't want to be in chains or in challenging situations for the rest of my life but I do want to be part of God's team. I want to be able to say without any hesitation that I am sold out to Christ even when the going gets tough. And thankfully, I feel like I am near a place where I can. I love that. I love my personal relationship with my personal Heavenly Father. I love that he is with me every step of every day. I really never am alone. I wish others knew what that was like. I can't explain it very well with words because it is something you just begin to understand one day. It is one of the pleasures that comes out through the journey - the serious pot holes and the smooth road.

So, today got better the more I read about joy. The more I was challenged to remember that everything that happens is already known by God and could be used to further his kingdom. I had to discipline Will several times today - more than usual and I found it ironic. I got to use what I had learned and I will be honest, while discipline is not fun, it is necessary. I had several times where I could have caved into poor behavior and even justified it a little bit but I choose to use the opportunities to teach with grace and humility.

I am not a perfect mama and never will be. I will always be far from it but when I die I want my boys to know that they were loved and taught to respect others and love God with all their heart. My prayer is that I will continue to learn what these different attributes mean so I can show them not only in word but more importantly, in action.

There are so many amazing quotes in this book - even as I look back I am amazed at what I have learned again already (remember, third time is a charm!). But, this is what I am most impressed with this evening:

"If we hope to maintain our joy in the process (of overcoming a dilemma), we must (repeat must) allow the Lord to be our Guide, our Strength, our Wisdom - our all."

Allowing Others to Serve

There are points in my life where God stops me and shows me some amazing things. I will be honest, I rarely like the stopping points. Remember, I am a routine person and breaking out of my routine causes me to stop or at least slow down.

So this morning I was reading a devotional about Job. He was a good man. He had many good things and they had been given to him. In one fellow swoop all was taken away from him. Instead of critizing God and asking why he plunged forward. He allowed God the time to heal him. It didn't happen all at once. It happened over a season of time but at the end of that season life was better than it had been before.

I wonder if Job ever thought back about life before? I wonder if he ever dwelt on what was? Did he suffer from PTSD and if not, why not? He had EVERYTHING taken from him. His family. His job. Everything but his life. In the midst of that he said I am still going to praise God. I am still going to believe he is the true God.

I think about that in my life right now. In no way am I like Job except I am slightly inconvenienced. My family is laughing in the other room. My husband is doing dishes for me and bring me laundry that he has moved from the washer to the dryer. Life is so good and yet I find tears in my eyes because I am not content. I hate that. What is wrong with me? Seriously. I have more in a short 33 years of life than most people have in a life time. I have a husband that loves me and serves me. I have two boys who light up my life. They are such joy. I have two dogs that love me and most importantly I have a relationship with God. I know I am going to heaven when I die and I know his work here on earth with me is just beginning. That is exciting.

I have this feeling that this piece of my puzzle is something we (God and I) have to work through before he can show us the next stage or step of life. Maybe that looks like contentment regardless of what comes our way. Trusting Jesus even through the trials. There is something beautiful about that and freeing. That doesn't mean there won't be tears. That doesn't mean there won't be times of questioning but that does mean there is peace in the midst of the storm. It does mean there is guidance even when there are struggles. That does mean there are open arms when all other doors are closed. His name is Jesus and he loves me more than anything. Everything else pales in comparison to how much he loves me.

Journal Entry

This week has been tough on me (and yes, it is only Monday). I am a routine driven person to a fault. When my routine is thrown out of kilter I don't hardly know what to do with myself! As I have been pondering this and praying about it today a small piece of revelation came to mind (I love it when God does that to/for me). I have a really hard time when people tell me I can't do something. It makes me want to do it that much more. For instance, right now, I am not suppose to walk much so what do I do, fight it. Why do I have so much time enjoying a change of pace? Why I am I so routine driven? These are questions I really struggle with.

And to top it all off, I left my Bible at work. I could really use that right now! Instead, I have daily devotionals from Eastview. Todays was what was life like before Christ. I am very pleased to report that the memories of what I was like before I truly accepted Christ in my life are faint. I love that! I love that I have a personal relationship with a God who has washed me whiter than snow and loves me for who I am. He loves me when I struggle. He loves me when I excel. He loves me when I am depressed or when I am anxious. He loves me all the time and he loves it when I come to him with my thoughts. It is like sitting down to have a conversation with my favorite person. Here is how it goes:

Setting: An open porch overlooking a garden with spring flowers always in bloom, rocking chairs and ice cold lemonade. The steps are on the side. As soon as I walk up God stands up opens his arms, plants a huge smile on his face and welcomes me onto the porch. He is thrilled to see me and so thankful that I stopped by for this unexpected visit.

God: Em'ly. So good to see how. Please join me. Can I get you some lemonade?

Em'ly: Thank you. I would love some. How are you Lord?

God: I am better now that you are here. I have been sitting all day admiring the beauty of this yard and no one to share it with. It isn't that uncommon. I made the humans and they are always BUSY. How I wish they would slow down and have a drink with me.

Em'ly: I have missed you. Coming to visit with you is like coming to visit with an old friend only better. You love me just as I am and to be honest, I am a broken person. I struggle. I need your advise.

God: Shoot. What is going through your beautiful mind?

Em'ly: I am struggling right now with routine vs. change. I want to be a person that accepts change and adapts accordingly. How do I do that?

God: What are you so afraid of? Are you in a constant state of fear or just periodically? Tell me a little bit more.

Em'ly: When my routine is changed I experience this problem. For instance, right now I am tied up with a bum foot and really not suppose to use it much. I am on the couch most of the time. Ironically, if I was going to work like normal and came home I might end up on the couch for a good chunk of time but because I am forced to I struggle with it. I fear I won't have anything to do? And then reality kicks in and I say, Seriously? Nothing to do? How about organizing pictures and scrapbooking or reading a book or doing a puzzle. Don't waste your time off worrying about what you might not do because then you won't have any time left!

God: Hum.... I see. Let me ask you a question. Who is in charge of all things?

Em'ly: You

God: It is very, very possible that I have a specific plan and reason for your situation. I might be teaching you something very valuable. Look for that lesson and when you get nervous, just pray. I am only a step away and my door is always open to you.

Em'ly: Why is it so easy when you say it and it makes so much sense but in my feeble mind I struggle? Your word trumps all. THANK GOODNESS!

And we could go on and on. This is what my relationship with Christ is like. It is personal and real. It is gentle. He doesn't put me down or ask me why I think I certain way. He listens and inserts his wisdom. Ironically, I don't find myself questioning it once I have clarity. We move forward together.

Now why don't I do this with everything that comes across my lap!

Feeling Good Yesterday - Day #2, Not so Much!

Surgery Day turned out to be very good. We arrived at the center on time, my nurse did an excellent job of getting an IV into my arm the ankle block worked like a charm and I was completely numb, until about 4am this morning. All in all, surgery day was okay.

Funny story about being "out." The anastegiologist was funny which really helped calm my nerves. He asked me how awake I wanted to be and I said I needed to be mostly out (see previous post) and he complied. I started waking up once the procedure was over and I remember at one point trying to get up from the table. I remember hearing people talking and laughing at their stories. It was fun to listen to. I even chimed in once or twice - not sure I made much sense. It was funny because at the time I remember exactly what was said but now, I can't tell you a thing. So interesting how that works.

I finally woke up in recovery and true to form, the itching began. Something about the anastesia causes me to itch big time! They gave me benedryl and some nausea meds because I started feeling a little qweezy. I was somewhat out again. Benedryl makes me very sleepy! Dave was able to come into the recovery room with me which was really nice. I like being with him. And then we came home. The whole process only took about 3 hours. On the way home we got Starbucks (how can my hubby say no to me at this point) and then picked up the boys. Again, I was still in a daze. Will was excited to see me but could tell something was a little different. At home I promptly went to bed and slept off more of the meds. Finally woke up after the boys had naps and then fell asleep again. I was just tired! The evening hours were better with me being awake but it was hard not being able to get up and do things.

This morning I woke up around 4am and realized today was going to be a little more challenging pain wise. Ouch! I can't put any weight on my left foot today! More numbing agent please!!! The meds aren't even taking away the pain. Not good. I feel sorry for kids that break bones. Poor things! hopefully each day will get better. Today is another resting day.

Pray for my hubby...

Foot Surgery - ugh...

So, Tomorrow is a special day for me. I get to have surgery. Now, with c-sections there was some excitement because at the end I got to hold a precious new baby (boy in my case). This time around I am struggling with seeing the beauty of this procedures.

What are they going to do you ask? Well, first, they cut open my foot. Then they use some kind of saw like instrument to remove a portion of the bone in the metatarsal connected to my big toe. Then they screw the bone back together. And finally, they take some kind of sanding tool and grind down the bone spur.

I think in terms of carpentery tools, probably because my hubby is skilled in building beautiful things (IE Pergola, beds, a garage, ect). When I think of a saw I think of a tool with sharp spikes on the end or a chain saw. Both of which have a loud buzzing noise. When I think of screws I think of metal pieces that require a philips screw driver or an electric drill. Now, do they use the 8 hp or the 14hp? How dense is this bone? Seriously, at 10:15 the night before foot surgery this is where my mind goes.

And then for the sanding. Is it like an electric sander where they just run over the bone until it is down to the desired hight? Is there dust or do they use a dust machine that connects to the "sander? Inquiring minds want to know!

Oh, and how long with this surgery take? At what point will I be out and how "out" will I be because I really think all the way is best for me. If I even see a saw or a screw or an electric sander in the operating room I think I will throw up! What happened to me? Am I the daughter of a doctor and the sister of two doctors, niece of one doctor and they took all medical tolerance? When did I become such a dork about medical procedures? Good grief!

I will have lots of answers for you tomorrow! Oh, and while I am at home for the next two weeks, three days of which I am confined to my bed, I plan to think about how to lose some weight. How to enjoy lots of reruns of MASH. How to enjoy time with my boys. How to keep my hubby from going completely crazy and maybe even how to keep myself from going nuts. Any suggestions? I don't want the usual suggestions like read a book or scrapbook. I need something creative and fun that can be done from the pleasure of my own bed. Anyone???

What My Relationship with Christ Looks Like

Today in my quiet time/prayer time I realized my relationship with Christ is changing - drastically. Let me take you on a journey through my heart. This is highly personal but helps me come full circle in my relationship with Christ.

God meets me every morning. Actually, I meet him. He never pressures me into visiting with him but the more I meet with him and get to know him the more I want to meet with him. The more I want to be in prayer for long periods of time. The more I want to enjoy his company. It kind of goes like this. My meeting place is kind of like a stage. I enter but the stage is just me and God and there aren't any people in the audience. It is dark and the room is only lit by a fire in the fireplace. There are two over sized leather chairs that are just comfortable, not over stuffed but perfect for sitting in and talking. There is a small table in between the two chairs and either coffee, tea or something of that nature sitting on the table for me to drink. Never does God drink. He just looks at me and listens.

You might be thinking, what does God look like to me? He looks like an older man - a very fatherly figure. He greets me with a hug and a smile every time. He always says, "thanks for coming and I am so glad to see you." He really enjoys my company. Then we talk. Actually, typically I do a lot of the talking. He listens with a very peaceful look on his face. Sometimes his face shows sadness but usually it is just a gentle face, confident that he is in control and so glad I am seeking him. He is very personal to me. After joining him in this room I always feel peace. He lays out my plan for the day and tells me my purpose which is always the same. He tells me I am to be a wife and mama today. I need to treat my co-workers with respect and tackle challenges head on. When problems arise deal with them. Sweeping them under the rug is not dealing with them. They will resurface.

Because of this encounter my relationship with God is totally changing. Prayer is not just a bunch of words that I hope to express correctly. There is feeling behind the words. It is about a relationship and that is a two way street. I have access directly to God. I don't think I have understood that in this light before. I know Satan is alive and well but I know I can go to this place of prayer at any time. Never is God too busy for me. In fact, it is as if he is always waiting for me. And when I leave he leaves with me - guiding my every step and protecting me against so many things I never even know about. With this in mind, I am never alone. His presence is alive and living in me.

Step by step, I am growing.